>gf has some mental problems
>fear of abandonment
>some paranoia (she'll check the door 5 times to make sure it's locked, her phone 10 times to make sure the alarm is on, and once had a panic attack at her parent's house because she thought she heard noises in the dark)
>also self harm
>won't see a counselor under any circumstances
>recently she has been more and more afraid of me leaving her, and seeing things that aren't there
>a couple examples
>my friend and I have a tradition of making cynical jokes about love near valentine's day
>he's single and feels bad about it so I share one with him for old time's sake
>gf interprets this as me hating valentine's day, and therefore hating the concept of love, and therefore hating her
>at event with gf that little brother I haven't seen in a long time is also at
>talk to little bro a lot because we are very close
>I talk with him a lot and we share inside jokes
>she feels like I was intentionally excluding her and wanted to leave her because I talked to him more than I talked to her
>she knows that I feel terrible when she accuses me of things like these, only making her feel worse
>it's been getting worse and worse over the past several months
>I try my best to be as kind and understanding as I can, but nothing seems to work and it's really wearing on me emotionally
>I don't want to leave her, but it's been wearing me down so hard that I can't help but think of it
>I would shatter her world if I just up and left her, as she has no friends, a bad family situation, and hates herself no matter how many times I tell her she's a beautiful, wonderful person
>basically her life revolves around me/schoolwork
>woman's intuition; she is worried sick that I'm only with her because I feel like I have to be
>a couple nights ago I dreamt I kissed the qt Japanese foreign exchange student
>I don't want to lose feelings for my gf
I really need help Anons, I don't know what to do.
Is she taking any medications or in therapy? If she isn't, try to convince her that she should. She should be trying to improve her mental state but it sounds like it is deteriorating. Try to do your best to help her but if she doesn't improve you should probably move on.
I could only stomach reading half of this.. This woman is one huge red flag. She is never going to have anything in her life to keep her busy other than making sure you are obsessed with, and continue to rain down praise upon her, but it will never be enough. You are throwing your good intentions into a black hole. She will never absolve them, she is incapable of believing in your love because she doesn't love herself, and you can't make her, you can't help her. Save yourself about8 months of bullshit and dump her fast and hard and CUT ALL CONTACT.
She may threaten suicide, if you really think she will do it call her parents or the cops it's all just a ploy to get you to tell her what a great person she is. She is manipulative and she is not even smart enough to know it. She would be a shitty mother and an albatross of a wife. Run.
She sounds like your typical psycho. I say keep her on the side for fucking until you find some bitch who's stable. Also, try to fuck around with her paranoia by telling her you saw people stalking her house and how the rape statistics have gone through the roof. See if you can make her completely lose her mind, you know, for shits and giggles.
She can't into vulnerability. That's the crux of most if not all of her problems. It's not insurmountable by any means and in fact you could be a great help in getting (and later helping to keep) the ball rolling. There comes a point however --and it comes quickly-- where things are only going to improve if she's on board with wanting them to improve.
She would snap if she found out I told a bunch of strangers online about her problems, I'm basically the only person in the world that she trusts, and this is a large breach of that trust.
She's not on any medication and won't take any, I know her. The thing is, we've been dating for almost two years at this point. She only started to deteriorate this much after she went to college. She hadn't self harmed since she had known me, but started again in college. It's also important to note that this is long-distance. We started out living 7 hours apart, but now live about 2 hours apart. I drive to see her every weekend. We really had a great relationship, we're both virgins and have similar tastes, interests, and values. It just nosedived once she went away from home. She really got bad when her parents made her pack away all her stuff and then totally remodeled her room into an office, after she made them promise that they would keep it for her. I do love her, and I haven't mentioned how sweet and thoughtful she was most of the time. She wrote me hand-written letters and still does at times, as well as doing other sweet, thoughtful things.
>in therapy? If she isn't, try to convince her that she should.
She for sure could do with some professional therapy. It will be much more effective and the process of getting her there will go much smoother overall if she comes to the decision to go on her own.
>She should be trying to improve her mental state but it sounds like it is deteriorating.
She doesn't know how to. And I'd be willing to bet she's painfully aware of that.
>Print this thread, give it to her and tell her you don't want to leave her but she needs counseling. If she won't do it for you, then your relationship is doomed anyhow.
If the ultimate goal is to help her this is possibly the worst thing OP could do.
Tomorrow I am going to tell her that she needs to see someone, and to do it for me. I've tried this before and she has totally refused because she finds it impossible to open up to people. Again, I'm the only person (until I made this thread) that knows this stuff about her. I don't have high hopes but it's better than nothing.
Ok, man. So I've had more than enough people calling me insane for marrying a chick with BPD. In future, I'll show them a screenshot of this thread.
Seriously, I'm not one of those who tells everyone to run away from relationships with mentally ill people. But when those people don't even try to get better and don't even acknowledge there is a problem, then the only obvious answer to the problem is: get the fuck out of that. It will only drag you down and destroy you if you try to keep it alive at all costs.
Thanks, just talking about it does help me feel better a bit. I truly want to help her, but it's so hard. I know that if I left her now she would spiral downwards and probably never come back.
I forgot to mention, she did briefly realize that she was seeing things through a negative lens and automatically assuming the worst of eveyrthing. She apologized to me, and I felt like things were getting better, but she has reverted.
I would do that, but I can only see her on weekends, when all the facilities are closed. I suppose I might be able to do it at an institution outside of the school, but I don't know how we could keep that totally confidential as far as payment goes. (The school facilities are free to students)
She needs help bro.
You gotta get her to get help and if she doesn't I'd drop her because that's not a healthy relationship for you and you're enabling her to get worse by protecting her feelings. My ex was like your gf and she didn't get better till she got help. She improved a lot. Only reason we broke up was because I had to move to the u.s for my job.
Get her help.
That shows too. You sound like a good guy. Watch this when you've got a minute. It explains what's going on better than I ever could. https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o
When you ask her tomorrow, gentle reminders that everybody in the world has problems and things they struggle with, and that that's ok because nobody is expected to be perfect, ought to be helpful.
Have you ever asked her why when she's said that she finds it impossible to open up to people?
Thank you for being here for me, it means a lot even though I'll never meet you.
She has a hard time opening up to people because she was teased a lot by her family as a child, she has a lot of siblings and was the youngest. She has told me that whenever she opened up and seemed sad they would tease her for being weak so she closed herself up.
OP's very problem is that he's a good guy. I'd love to know where his hero complex comes from. You can't save some people from their own failures. And you shouldn't want to, either.
I just finished your video, thank you for that. I might share it with her later.
I've got to get to sleep, I have a class at 9:30 AM and it's currently 3:12 AM where I live.
This thread will probably be archived by the time I see it again, so I just want to say thank you to all you Anons, you've helped me feel better.
I hope you all have happy lives.
You're welcome, hun. This is a lot to be dealing with. A bit of support and understanding is in order for you too.
Ahh yeah, that would do it alright. Few things wound us more deeply than having our pain invalidated by those we trust. That being a constant and coming from every source from a young age and on through developmental years is a recipe for neurosis.
OP is seeking help because help is needed and he cares. You're shitting on him for that. You are doing exactly what causes so many people to need help in the first place.
Look, there are problems that you cannot solve even with the most superhuman amount of love and care. Trying to help that girl will only destroy OP along with her.
You will see, OP, you will see. In a few months time max, you'll be back asking for how to patch your life back together and get out of the crippling depression you brought upon yourself by trying to help someone who cannot be helped.
The only thing that can help her is therapy by someone who understands the problems she has, not some wannabe hero who wants to save the damsel in distress.
decent chance you don't have a good understanding of mental illness, in this case BPD
high chance of not having any knowledge of mental illnesses at all
So projection seems to be the new buzzword. k. I'm not projecting though, I'm simply astonished by how you people think you can just love all problems away.
What OP described is not BPD. Although with its similarities to related disorders and high rates of comorbidity, it's understandable enough why you might jump to that, especially if you're the guy from earlier who's married to it.
>fear of abandonment
>all her life revolves around him
well, that's pretty BPD
plus, what OP said about her later, like
>teased a lot by her family especially when she opened up
emotional repression is a key social factor to developing BPD
so I simply connected the dots... though it might be DPD as well, you're right, but that disorder not my field of expertise, so I didn't have it in mind.
I understand that everybody has problems but wtf do you mean that she won't do counseling under any circumstance? Looks like she wants to keep you as an emotional sponge. I never had a romantic relationship like that but I had 2 very close friends in the past who were exactly the same: everything is about them, complain about their problems and make it seem like they exhausted every possible solution so that they can keep complaining about how miserable their lives are. Lol I remember that when I tried talking to them about trying to find a solution, they tried to always blame me for not being there enough for them.
People like that think that the world revolves around them and that everybody needs to take care of their every need.
I was bullied in middle school and my brother used to beat me up. I had depression 3/4 of my time in HS and still have some self-esteem problems, but guess what? I go to a therapist, exercise, get good grades in school so that I can feel better about myself.
Tell her that she needs to get some kind of help, if she won't, then RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS! Good luck, OP.
If she refuses, tell her that improving always involves doing things outside of the comfort zone. She is not alone in this, every human being on this planet will, one way or another, face obstacles and changes that they are scared of confronting. Tell her that you love her but see her lack of effort to change for the better as a lack of care for the relationship. Ask her whether she cares more about her comfort or about the relationship.
as a fellow mentally ill femanon, you need to do what's right for you and leave her if you think it'll take the stress off your shoulders.
nobody should have to suffer in a relationship and it sounds to me like being in the relationship isn't helping her either, possibly only holding her back from moving on and getting better.
give her the ultimatum, either she goes to therapy and gets her problems under control or the relationship is over.
if you can't do that, or don't think it'll work, you need to do what you feel is right, even if that means hurting her. can you see yourself putting up with this the rest of your life? it's not worth the emotional abuse it sounds like you're going through, something she probably doesn't mean but is doing regardless.
she is not mentally ready for a relationship, it is only throwing a band aid over her problems because she's trying to use you to fix her/as a weight to ground her and that's obviously not working.