So I want your guys' advice.
> Brother committed suicide: 2/3/16
> brother and i fucked
>brother tried to rape me the last time
>I dont know how to process this
has any of you dealt with this? How would you grieve?
you male or female?
regardless the best you can do is deal with it on a personal level. your brother had his own demons to slay. maybe he did in the end. try to remember the positive times, or try not to remember him at all.
The full story would be:
>Brother and I are half blood brothers through our dad.
>Grew up in two seperate cities in Ohio.
>wern't around alot together through adolecents
>Brother is younger than I, but had "touched" me when we were kids. I rociprocated.
>I am a male.
> brother was closeted bi sexual
> I am gay, and open about it.
>brother randomly texts me last summer about wanting more in a sexual way
>I felt guilty, dirty, and bad about it.
> I let him into my apartment one time.
> we fuck
> next time I let him in at my new apartment while my room mate was at work, he wanted it and I couldn't do it anymore. I physically fought him off.
> we never spoke since 10 of 2015.
> I went off the deep end with moderate type 2 bi-polar and it caused me to go into behavioral health.
I feel so guilty about this.
My first thought was " thank god hes dead, now the secret can die with him".
My goal is to get back into community mental health, ( I as I have medicaid) and sign up for psycho-therapy.
I have so much baggage to process, and this just takes the cake.
then you might notice the parallels between you and your brother with Buffy And Faith.
both are essentially the same essence. in their case, you two came from your father, and were clearly intended to be gay. In their case, slayers.
both were given the same tools in life. you two, your families and even each other. in buffys case, they both had access to giles, her friends, etc.
yet when push came to shove and the big bad happened, you both reacted differently. something specific only to you gave you the ability to openly be gay and deal with that, face it head on, slay your demons if you will. you're the buffy. you did things you regret, but you moved on and implored your brother to as well.
but your brother, and faith, for whatever reason, could not handle their destinies, and when the big bad happened, they only got worse.
despite being almost the same person on some very basic level, at least in the beginning, you both came out entirely different. and one of you lived to tell the tale.
Let the secret die. Be sad he died. Be glad he's gone.
It's too soon to feel much of anything other than trauma from his death. Your are not supposed to feel anything other than what you're comfortable with.