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I have a really hard time making conversation with people.
Like they'll tell me they've been crocheting different types of nuts. Or they'll tell me they're thinking of becoming a graphics designer. Or something I have no knowledge of, no interest or experience in. All I can think of is being like, that's cool, or shallow questions. And the conversations quickly end.
I'm scared that people think I'm autistic (because a psychologist suggested it) or that they think I'm weird. I know it's probably true that people think that, and it discourages me even more from conversations and people. I hear how people talk about those kinds of people.
I am in a relationship and have met some people through that, but I'll end up saying something completely retarded or being awkward, and of course my partner isn't going to tell me how retarded I am. But I know it so I can't be around any of my partner's friends.
Ever since I was young I've felt a deep hatred for who I am and what I'm like. I don't know if that's because I'm autistic or whatever and my self-image is a result of being rejected by others due to my ineptitude. Or if my ineptitude is because of my self-hatred and disgust, paired with an ugly face.
I've been wanting to break out of this for 10 years with no luck.
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I think your self hatred is probably what causes you the most pain.
I also go through it.
I experienced some rare moments where I could see myself behaving in a way that I didn't like (awkward, shy, etc), but the judgement and self hatred weren't there. It was simply an observation.
That created a certain distance that let me enjoy myself despite behaving the same way around others.
It didn't last long though. I still go back to the self hatred problem, but atleast I found the cause.
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>>16788855
What I concluded is that acceptance and understanding are two important things when it comes to improving yourself.
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>>16788855
>>16788863
What kinds of things specifically do you hate about yourself?
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>>16788823
don't worry OP, no one outside of parents with autistic children, mommies who are friends of mommies with autistic chilren, a tight niche of psychiatrists and 4channers know what autism is
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>>16788888
Well I live in a super liberal area where autism awareness campaigns are everywhere, they're always doing pieces about it. At work today a coworker was talking about some person like "yeah they're sooo weird. yeah i think they're like autistic or whatever. so weird. they've never really had friends. definitely developmentally delayed."
It was just like...someone could've said that about me. It's really humiliating.
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