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2016-02-10 01:43:52 Post No. 16788823
Post No. 16788823
I have a really hard time making conversation with people.
Like they'll tell me they've been crocheting different types of nuts. Or they'll tell me they're thinking of becoming a graphics designer. Or something I have no knowledge of, no interest or experience in. All I can think of is being like, that's cool, or shallow questions. And the conversations quickly end.
I'm scared that people think I'm autistic (because a psychologist suggested it) or that they think I'm weird. I know it's probably true that people think that, and it discourages me even more from conversations and people. I hear how people talk about those kinds of people.
I am in a relationship and have met some people through that, but I'll end up saying something completely retarded or being awkward, and of course my partner isn't going to tell me how retarded I am. But I know it so I can't be around any of my partner's friends.
Ever since I was young I've felt a deep hatred for who I am and what I'm like. I don't know if that's because I'm autistic or whatever and my self-image is a result of being rejected by others due to my ineptitude. Or if my ineptitude is because of my self-hatred and disgust, paired with an ugly face.
I've been wanting to break out of this for 10 years with no luck.