Today I fucked things up for myself, for no apparent reason but my self destructive behaviour. I don't know what to do.
I woke up early to go to an appointment with a professor. But I got lost cleaning my mail inbox and it got too late and I just felt so shit that morning. So I wrote him an apology that there was some unforseen event. He asnwered in a kinda angry tone.
Later in the afternoon there was the class with that same prof, but I didn't go, I was angry at myself and at him (he actually is an asshole, others say it as well) and was pale as a corpse and felt shit. I missed class the 3rd time, so now I didn't pass. Unless I would have gone to the doctor for a sick note. But I didn't do that. Everything didn't matter to me anymore. But now I worry, because I will have to take another class next semester, everything will take longer. I could try to talk to him, but as I said, other profs would be friendly, but not him...
I often do things like this. What could I do in general and in this particular case to make it better? What could I tell the prof??
Well, damn, Anon, you really seem to be sabotaging your own career. You've lived your live on the rails - school, college, following expectations. But are you realizing this isn't the life for you? It sounds like you're hating it now, and it's getting worse.
This would be a good time to think about what you want from life, and how to attain that. You don't have to graduate college, get a 9-5 job, and stay in a field you hate marking time until retirement.
To pick an example out of a hat, would you be happier learning carpentry? Working with your hands is much more relaxing than being part of a corporate machine, and the pay and perks are great. It's also a field in which it's very easy to find a job these days, and the outlook is rosy. Laugh at computer science grads working minimum wage jobs, as you build a happy and lucrative career in woodwork.
What exactly did he write that made you think he wrote it in an angry tone? Was it something he ACTUALLY wrote which would suggest that, or was it all in your head?
When I sometimes read stuff during an intense moment, I always paint it in bias and imagine things. Then I re-read it later on a cool head and notice there isn't really as much emotion put in the writing as I'd originally thought.
I say this because professors have a lot of students and 1) it's unethical to be openly mad at a student (especially in recorded form) and 2) I doubt they give too much of a fuck about you to begin with.
Relax. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't bring it up and just don't fuck up again.
You're just being a dumbass.
You need to experience failure- it will motivate you to actually do these little things that make a big difference.
You're too complacent.
My advice is to learn from this experience. Next year as you're having to repeat the class, think about how much it sucks. Next time you "don't feel like" going to class or to a meeting or to the doctor, think "is it worth it? I'll have to do _____ if I skip. Is saving myself this little effort now worth that big effort later?"
Everyone learns this lesson sooner or later op. Most people have learned it in middle and highschool- now it's your tunr
Yeah dood. Welcome to the club. 19 year olds rarely get their shit straight from the first attempt. I've repeated some semesters twice just because I didn't give a fuck, but once I got the hang of it (the final 2 semesters), I didn't get anything short of B.
Tell him the truth.
Seriously. Prof's have been around long enough to know bs excuses and THAT is what pisses them off. Tell them the truth and that you know you fucked up, and even most the assholish ones will give you one break..
the thing is, I used to be a very good student in school, much too well behaved. It is only in uni that I started doing this. I am M 25 by the way. and I know how uni works. but I think I should have mentioned that I have some depression problems and am on medication (duloxetin) and in therapy. still, this happened. maybe weed this weekend was not a good idea
So work a job you know you're going to not have the energy for in 30 years? Then not being able to afford vacations or health insurance?
I would take the 9-5 with benefits in an air conditioned room. At least I could retire with health insurance then.
The advice you should be giving OP is not to worry, and that people retake classes all the time. It's part of being in college.
Yes- you're just becoming complacent as most college students do.
I'm a college student and I pulled the same kind of crap last semester.
Does depression make it harder? Yeah. Is it an excuse? Hell no.
When you use things like depression as an excuse when you fuck up, you're preventing yourself from internalizing the lesson and learning from your mistake.
I was at the top of my class in highschool and I got into the honors college of the top university I was aiming to get in to.
And I fucked up like you did.
It doesn't mean you're not smart- it just means that you're still getting the hang of being an adult. Sometimes you just have to suck it up when you don't feel like doing something. There's too much money and time at risk for us to just fuck around. Once you realize that because you've had to face some consequences, you'll be a lot more successful