Ill try to condense it so dont expect to have all the facts.
Im not a virgin but I plan to wait until marriage but really I feel that if I was with a girl I planned to marry one day Id have sex with her so I can see myself having 3-4 sexual partners at most in my life. So far Ive only had sex with 1 girl and we were planning on moving in together after we graduated college and thought about getting married when we had stable jobs. But she moved acrossed the country for grad school and the ldr didnt work out.
Not heres the thing, I was pretty devastated breaking things off with her and havent been back in the field for a long time, but Ive recently met a new girl who was able to pry through the barriers I put up to keep her out. In doing so I feel like Ive started to fall in love with her.
A few days ago we were together cuddling to netflix and she mentioned how nice this is and how she wanted it to last. Then she freaked out and told me about her heavy past because she knew about my view on sex.
Basically she was raped by a guy her first time. I dont know the details of how so dont ask. After that she said she slept with 7-8 guys her freshman year of college because at the time it helped with the pain. If I had to guess her sexual partners Id put it at around 11 or 12.
Now I really feel like people should stick to dating others with a comparable sexual history to them. My ex had slept with 1 guy before me and I was a little salty but she explained that she really loved him at the time and it felt right so I let it go. But this is different.
At the time I told her that I was okay with it to calm her down but Ive been thinking about it and Im not really. Its just too much. I kinda understand and want to be more forgiving of her past because Im sure being raped did traumatize her, but I really dont approve of that behavior and dont want to be with someone who does that.
I dont know what to do here.
Just remember that it won't define your relationship if you choose to have one. It really is up to you, but try to weigh in how much it means to you to get back on your feet with someone you've grown to care about.
If we were in a relationship without sex I probably would easily overlook it. But thats not the case her. If everything went well one day we would have sex and I know that if I see her the same way I see her now sex will be empty and meaningless and I dont want that.
>don't want to be with someone who does that
You used present tense. Does. I'm betting she'd use past tense, did.
I think you've already made up your mind. You know it's her history and you can't let that go, it's probably better to break it off now.
If she was willing to tell you her story, why not say all of this to her? She seems to understand where you are coming from so far, so talk to her directly and see if you can work it out together.
Because its a sensitive topic and I dont want to just spit out the first thing that comes to my mind. Im unsure of how I feel. You cant change the past. But Im not so heartless to ignore the pain of a rape victim.
Yeah I get thats how she feels, but thats generally how anyone who used to be a slut would feel. Just in this case she wasnt in a position to make the best decisions. She has slept with people after that year as well and has tried to sleep with me. She often says things like
>its just a body
which in retrospect probably stems from coping with being raped. Worst part is that she says she would probably still be a virgin if she wasnt raped.
I get that, but you are thinking about it now. What I mean is you shouldn't decide without telling her about it. If you are leaning towards dumping her at least have the conversation.
Your post here kind of makes it sound like you are more worried she'll think you are breaking up with her due to her rape rather than the number of dudes she fucked. Except from your story she fucked those guys to deal with the trauma, so you mind of will be breaking up with her over the rape.
If the main reason you'd stay is to spare her feelings or your own guilt, don't stay.
You have to make a decision yourself anon, but here's a tip.
You absolutely have to get over it if you want to continue this relationship, you have to tell yourself its not a big deal.
If you dont do this, it will slowly eat you up, and you will probably get some sort of reaction, if its rage, sadness, insecurity or whatever.
I had the same problem with my ex. she had been with like 10-12 guys, and i was a virgin.
I often thaught "am i the best she's been with, or maybe the worst?" "has she had any huuuge dicks?" (Im not big)
and that made me insecure, and i think its a part of why we broke up.
You have to be strong and put thoose taughts away.
No I put the comparison thoughts away with my ex. thats not what Im worried about. Im sure I suck at sex but that doesnt bother me because I want to suck at sex and get better at it with the person I love. Im not insecure about my size either. Its large enough to where bigger isnt always better.