Should I give an ultimatum to my ex gf?
I know what you're all about to say, "it's over, move on, more fish in the sea, forget her" etc etc. Just hear me out okay.
Together for many years, she left me, it's been over 2 months now. We stopped speaking entirely a couple of weeks back. But she left it extremely open ended. She heavily implied that she still wanted to be with me, but had to sort herself out, she said she had to find herself. She also told me how she loves me, can't imagine her future without me, and that I'm her soul mate. She said she needs time to lose the anger that caused the break up. So in other words, she left me as if she's going to come back.
But this just leaves me feeling like I'm waiting and hanging on as much as i try not to, and as much as i try to move on, i feel like she could come back, or i feel like she's never coming back and im just a fool. But I just don't know at all.
So I'm wondering, should i send her a message, asking what the deal is, whether she wants to be with me or whether its over for good. And i want to say that if she says its over, that I'll never take her back even if she changes her mind. But i don't know if thats a good idea. It might pressure her and make her run, and it's also very important how i word it.
This is classic "I want to fuck some other guy, but stick around just in case that doesn't work out."
You're getting played and she's not going to help you solve the puzzle. She might well take you back but it's not like that's a good thing for you.
Yeah, thats what i feel like. That's why i want to give an ultimatum. She's either in or out. I'm at the point where although I'd be very disappointed and sad, I could walk away from this girl.
You don't really get to pose ultimatums to people when you're the puppet. You're not a position of power or authority here. The choice you have is whether to let yourself keep getting toyed with.
She's out. You are nothing but a safety net to her. You are a resource in her eyes, not a human being deserving of respect. You absolutely should walk away from this girl. It's pathetic.
If thats the case then surely getting a final answer can't hurt. I want to tell her that I'm not her safety net, she has to decide now or I'll walk forever.
Another thing is i know she stalks me online, daily. I have an IP tracker and she checks my online profiles every day despite the fact that i dont update much.
Getting a final answer doesn't let you learn how to trust your gut. It hurts your confidence. You should have enough trust in yourself to make decisions without needing a confession.
I'm going to go now. You should too.
How can i trust my gut when i get mixed signals. I'm not a mind reader. For all i know she could want to come back but not dare say it, i was pretty aggressive about the whole We're not speaking anymore thing.
She already had sex with different people. You are her safety net, her little honey-i'm-home kind of guy that pays the bills and eats her pussy while she is getting plowed by chad.
Just walk away. I know it feels like 2 years down the drain, so-what. Just go away before you get sucked in more and you end up marrying her.
I don't pay any bills and i haven't even spoken to her in weeks. She freaked out when i walked away before.
It's 7 years and an engagement down the drain. I'd rather not throw it away so easily. The break up was mostly my fault, i had personality issues, I'd be good for months, then an asshole for a while, repeat over and over. I've had therapy and really gone hard to sort myself out and think I am a lot better, It feels unfair that i don't get a second chance.
I won't come back. I want a final answer from her so that i can stop feeling like I'm unsure of the future. I'm pretty sure every couple that stay together have at least one major break up. This could be ours, if we get back together we'll be better for it, or we might not get back together. I don't know.
This guy gave you all the advice you are needing. You're just not listening. You're too caught up in emotions. Take a step back. Think with clarity.
The line she used is a classic "I want to browse/fuck other men. I want you as a safety net should I get nowhere." Either that, or she just doesn't have the balls to cut the thing off entirely. But I'm betting on the former.
Try and understand what that means here. We've all been were you are just now. You think that by forcing your hand and saying "I've had it. You're either with me or not" is some kind of power play. It's not. It's like the equivalent of your cat meowing you to get you to feed it. It's meant to symbolize authority, but in the end, she's the one in control here. You are waiting on her here, not the other way about. She knows if she clicked her fingers, you'd be back with her. Because she knows that, she has no respect for you and isn't interested. Even if you get her interested after this point by NOT showing interest, it will fade because she's only wanting the security net/attention boost of knowing you'll always be there. She's grown used to it.
The only thing you can do, is cut contact. If she rings/texts you in the future, ignore her/tell her not to contact you/fuck off. That is the only power you have for yourself.
You're not doing yourself any favours acting on your emotions here. It's a hard thing to realize. You're used to 2 years of your emotions ruling you with this person. It's time to get in control of your emotions. Do that and you'll look at this situation better.
You're not getting what I'm saying. First of all i have cut contact and haven't said a word to her in over 5 weeks. I don't want to be there at her beck and call, I am better than that and have more respect than that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum as a ploy to get her back. I want to give her to move my life forward. I'm pretty much fine with either answer she gives. I just need to know. But i will stress to her that if she says no, that I won't even get back with her if she changes her mind. If she says no, it's final. She needs to know that. I need the closure.
We ARE getting what you're saying. Because chances are a lot of people in this thread have experienced it. I'm one of them. I turned up at my exs house after a few years relationship, demanding this "closure" you speak of. I got the same shitty excuse you did about us not working out. Meanwhile, I found out from her friends she met some guy at a club. This "closure" you're asking for is not closure at all. It's a last ditch attempt to force your hand to get back with her. You are so caught up in her words and are trying to get around them, you are refusing to accept it's over.
You know she's not interested, but you're refusing to accept it. This is the issue here.
The thing is, you're saying you are not at her beck and call and you are better than that. But if you truly WERE done, you would not give a shit or "needing closure". Does it look like she's needing "closure?" No, she's done.
You can dress it up to us all you want in this thread. But it amounts to the same thing. You're either too clouded by emotions or are lying to yourself.
I don't want reasoning closure. I want closure that it is over because she left it so open. I do want to be with her, therefore I am waiting until i know it's truly over. Whether i passively or actively wait, I'm waiting until i know it's truly over. I don't know she's not interested, as i said, she keeps spying on me.
>I don't want reasoning closure. I want closure that it is over because she left it so open
This is YOUR delusion its open my friend. She DIDN'T leave it open. She left it pretty clear that she broke up with you and probably to pursue other guys. The only "OPEN" part she's left, is for you to be a safety net. Do you understand what a safety net is? It's if she has no one else to fall back to and gets too lonely, you'll be there for her. She INTENTIONALLY left it open in that context.
And here you are, the good little puppet, doting on every word she says. Stop hanging on every little word she says.
She broke up with you, and is trying to treat you like a safety net. Have some fucking self respect for yourself, and actually be insulted that she tried to do that to you, instead of being more concerned that there *may* be a possibility for you two to get back together because of the wordplay she used, which she intentionally done to keep you as a safety net. Self respect man, get some.
Yeah, I'm not hanging on. But that's why i need an answer. I can say I'm moving on, I'm not going back and all that shit, but I'd still not know, I'd still go forward thinking any day she might come back. So whats the point in not asking, it doesn't hurt to ask at all. At least once i know for a fact she isn't coming back I'll be able to move foward without constantly wondering and feeling like im waiting.
I am insulted and feel very used, abused and taken for granted. I feel angry and i want to call her out on it, tell her I'm not her safety net and she needs to either come back or fuck off. That's what i want. Come back, or fuck the fuck off. Because right now I'm in limbo. And I'll be in limbo until she finally tells me "It's not happening, ever"
I've already been rejected. Everything i did for the woman and she treated me like dirt, she was horribly abusive to me after the break up. At this point the relief from finally knowing will be good enough. I'll actually feel happy and be able to get on with my life. I mean I'll feel shit, sad, disappointed, but I'll be relieved and free. And if it makes her crap her pants, stop messing around and come back to me, then thats a nice bit of luck. I really don't expect that to happen though. She'll say she's done. I won't take "I don't know" for an answer.
This is a bad idea, she doesn't like you, if she did she would've made plans with you/tried to see you.
SHE. DOES. NOT. LIKE. YOU. WOMEN. DO. NOT. COMMUNICATE. IN. A. MANNER. TO. GIVE. YOU. CLOSURE. FORGET. IT. AND. MOVE. ON!
>Yeah, I'm not hanging on
>And I'll be in limbo until she finally tells me "It's not happening, ever"
By waiting for her to tell you yes/no, you're hanging on. I stick by what I said originally. You're too clouded by emotions to see this.
If you truly weren't hanging on, you would just let it go. It's been no contact. You would keep it that way. You would have no interest in talking to her, let alone getting with her. And if she contacted you, you would tell her not to contact you. That's what "not hanging on" is.
Look, I've been where you are now. It's a tough spot. Your emotions are high and in control of you. The best thing you can do for yourself is make the decision to move on for yourself. Not hang on waiting on a girl who is trying to use you for a safety net. If you're honest with yourself, you'll know I'm telling it true.
This sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me.
>Hurt me, mentally abused me, left me hanging while she went to do her thing knowing she's have some poor, beat-up husk of a man waiting for her.
Stop being that poor husk. You said it yourself - she intentionally hurt you to go about pursuing her own selfish endeavors. I've got an uncle like this. She kept him hanging until they were fourty. FUCKING FOURTY. She's now had to go through gastric bypass since she became a hedonistic bitch. He married her at 450+ with her stupid cat that was her only company left. Don't be my idiot of an uncle. Do not contact her. Do not act on feelings, they're just a good way to give her two pussies to play with. Find yourself a nice girl that knows how to entertain herself, because she's likely to be impressed with you.
And for God's sake, even if it takes physically groping them for a few months, find your balls.