Hi, /adv/. Yesterday my girlfriend told me everything (I guess) from her past that she hid from me.
I wanna see what you think.
I'm 19 years old and she's 18. We are (were?) in a relationship for almost 9 months, but in a long distance relationship (it takes about 2 hours for us to meet). She's very cute, average beauty, and has a nice body, though nothing really special. My friends even seem to find her more attractive than I do.
I lost my virginity with her and she told me that she had lost her virginity with another guy, and also told me that she had sex with 4 guys in total (she was practically used as a object for sex), but only after the start of the relationship. On a side note, she lost her virginity at the age of 14.
I must tell that she's really open-minded when it comes to sex, what is really good; she's up to a lot of things. She also used to mutilate her arms and legs, but stopped when we meet, and tried to get rid of the scares when I told her to. Her school grades sucked, but she started to study a lot, for real, just to make me proud of her and have a better future with me; now she's finally doing well. She's always caring about me, gives me a lot of love, does what I want, etc.
Yesterday she left a message on Skype telling everything, saying that she had sex with another 4 guys (a total of 8, with whom she had sex mostly when she was 14- 15 years old), addressing that she regrets it, adressing that she loves me and don't want to lose me. But there is more to it, she had sex with the other guys even in public places and sent a lot of nudes of her to another guys online before we meet. So yeah, she's a slut.
The message also stated that she would disappear for 5 days so that I can think better about this.
Should I break up with her or ignore that she fooled me for almost 9 months and was a slut?
Another thing that strikes me is thinking that if this relationship works, I never will know what is like to be with other girls while she was a slut.
She doesn't deserve you, you sound like that type of guy that judges people because of their past. Or wants females that love going to church alot and save their v-cards for jerks like you. Good luck finding a "pure" woman in this day and age.
I cant stand people like you. It does't matter how many people she slept with in the past if she is riding yours right now and nobody else's.
Don't you mean the OP doesn't deserve her?
OP, it seems to me that you are a shallow judgmental person, since the only things you listed about her were her physical appearance, nothing much about her personality, then determining her "worth" to you entirely on that by saying she's "nothing really special."
The only person that would be gaining something good from this breakup is her, since she'd be getting away from a toxic loser that searches for random strangers' validations on a anonymous discussion board.
You think that's bad? I've known and been with various women that have over 400 partners, I myself am on a "don't ask don't tell" situation with my own past sexuality cause it has ruined potential relationships.
The problem here is your mindset.
The beauty and youth of a woman is like a trust fund that can only be spent (aging). The only real thing to do is trade that currency in for something of value from other people. Blaming a girl for doing this is blaming her for being smart.
Male value (women can earn this value too, mind you) comes from experience and hard work. You start out with nothing, and eventually if you're doing it right you have earned yourself a little currency to spend, and if you really ace it a bit later in life you'll be sitting on top of an empire.
You're upset mostly because her past proves that your value is much, much lower than hers, and in all likelihood will continue to be that way for a long while still. But, her attentions to you are like a gift; she's high value, and she's giving it to you. Don't look a gift (w)horse in the mouth, and don't hate the playa, hate the game. She's merely been maximizing the utility of her youth and beauty before it's run out, and smartly so. There's no sense in being insecure about it; it's a waste of your emotional health.
Yeah that's what I meant.
Her past is her past, and her business. She didn't have to consider your feelings or preferences for women that haven't done sexual things or very limited selection of sexual things. You weren't in the picture, what matters is the future and now. Past is already done, and she shouldn't be ashamed of it. If a person can't stand for their actions, that's way worse than fucking around. Don't fuck around it it's not a decision you can stand for.
Are you autistic? What was that even a reply to?
It seems to me as if you are no different from the guys who've used her repeatedly in the past. It looks as though you don't even like her that much. Just break up already. You are clearly not mature and responsible enough to love someone.
someone likes whores, someone does. Fuck off with your "high" moralities.
Also it's not all about the number, you can be a respectable female who had sex with 100 guys and enjoyed it all, or you can be a whore without any willpower that was degraded by just 1 guy.
4 or 8 is not that much of a difference btw.
If you can't respect her, don't be with her
If you don't know how to make it work then don't be with her, it's not very hard.
The only thing I can propose to you here is that you can get her to agree to threesomes or some shit. Or just plain freebies, if she doesn't respect herself that wouldn't be too hard, but it probably won't end up being very healthy
The real problem here is she doesn't accept who she is. Not saying that she should just keep whoring around, just admit to herself what she did and etc.
The fact she has fucked so many guys without shame tells you something about her ability to make decisions, and self worth.
I say you should dump her, this is really a black flag, and a bullet to be dodged. It's more than just sex. She lost all her human value
>comparing women to whore
>saying it's the norm.
>saying OP is thinking any different
Op sees a girl that has spent her value and has none, doesn't like that. Somehow he is wrong.
Prostituting yourself is not good, regardless of your gender.
>The real problem here is she doesn't accept who she is
And are you saying "who she is" right now is what she did years ago when she was a kid? She knows she had sex with other guys. She was probably afraid of admitting it to OP because he's already such a close minded fucktard and was afraid he'd leave her because of it.
>Also it's not all about the number, you can be a respectable female who had sex with 100 guys and enjoyed it all, or you can be a whore without any willpower that was degraded by just 1 guy.
what the fuck does this even mean
He's not asking for validation he's asking if you would break up with her if you where him. I wouldn't op seems like you have a girl who likes you alot. She tried to change for you and even told you her past. I'll be realistic your probably going to break up since you're 18. Never forget she is a slut and a self harmer tho so if you still want to be with her then go for it nigger
>was almost a true sex object,
Unless we're talking about childhood abuse, this is almost always a deflection of personal responsibility, usually out of a sense of shame or a belief that you'll judge her for being sexual (as many people will).
If it was actually abuse, then the number hardly counts, now does it?
>spent her value and has none,
You guys can tell yourself until you're blue in the face that a pretty young girl that has slept with other people retains no value, but it's obviously not true (unless you think these girls have a hard time finding relationships, kek), and it doesn't up your own value to deny it either, it just makes you an asshole.
Yes, but she has also spent her human integrity and self worth, don't forget those
Not that poster by the way. I don't care if a girl had sex in previous relationsships, but if she's a whore fucking random guys, in my eyes, they lose all their potential of being a good partner
She has sent nudes of herself to older guys when she was underaged. Hopefully those guys were smart enough to delete them.
And OP, you are clearly not ready for a relationship. You're a whiny insecure beta, which is probably why it's best that you break up and wait until you mature before trying another relationship.
It's up to you, dude.
Every guy has a number that is a deal breaker.
My gf had two guys before me. One long term boyfriend, and had sex with a guy but didn't end up dating him.
Two is a fine number for me, especially since I've been involved with more people than she has.
IMO three would be my max number at my age, I'm 22. My gf is 22, total number is three counting me. I've been with five girls.
I never said anything about reality,it's from my perspective
If you can be happy with a sexually loose girl then fine, not my problem
But I can't recommend it to any guy that wants to have a respectable women with self worth and integrity
If she felt like she had to lie to him or otherwise she wouldn't have get him, then she thought she didn't deserve him, ergo she thinks that real her, does not deserve a guy like op, but still wants him. So either
1) accept yourself for who you are and tell everything if she thinks that she and op are of the same value
2) lower her standarts and go for someone lower than OP
>what the fuck does this even mean
Exactly what I wrote. There are women who enjoy sex and there are whores. The number of sex partners doesn't have anything to do with it.
Because it's hard to let someone go you have feelings for, but it's the mature and responsible thing to do if she has shown terrible qualities like being slutty, self harming, etc.
I'd keep them as a friend maybe, but men tend to fall into the trap and begin relationships with girls like that
>You guys can tell yourself until you're blue in the face that a pretty young girl that has slept with other people retains no value
I wouldn't mind girl telling me that I have no value if I was a spineless bitch that got used and and had to "sell" my dignity, can hardly blame me for projecting the same standart on women
That's right, but I don't care about it in a physical way.
It does leave a mental signature on girls. It can reflect a lot about their self worth and integrity. Someone who fucks any random guy isn't someone I think is worth respecting.
I understand not all men are like this, but there's atleast a large part of them who feel this way too
Having fun with casual sex and standing for it doesn't reflect bad self worth and integrity. That's only the case if the woman is looking for affection in banging strangers, kinda retarded way of "save me" or lack of father figure, borderline bs. I never understood why low count of sexual partners mean they are better people. I would much rather date a confident strong woman in charge of her sexuality than a reserved scared immature insecure woman that doesn't dare to touch the dick in fear of being a slut.
There's nothing mature or responsible about leaving a girl just because she's "slutty" or "self harming." That's just running away from even more responsibilities.
A person wouldn't be deemed "mature" or wise if he determines a girls' self worth just because of her sexual history
OP I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. Out of the blue she dumps this on you and says she is disappearing for 5 days.
She has plans with another guy OP and threw this out knowing you will freak out but will miss her so much over the next 5 days you will forgive her. She created a "break" from you.
It's actually not about the count of partners, I don't care about that. Sex is normal in a relationship.
I do avoid people that casually fuck around though. That does say a lot about their values. I'm not traditional, but I consider that kind of behaviour very hedonistic, and a red flag indicator of possible self esteem/valitation issues.
So yeah, I would avoid dating that kind of girl at all costs
OP literally wants to leave this girl because of the things she did when she was 14 years old.
If she cheated on him, then your statement would have been valid, but its not right now. There is no indication that what she did in the past will reflect her actions in the future. Its shown in OP's original post that she probably loves OP more than OP even likes her.
Leaving a girl just because you weren't happy with the "slutty" things she did with other guys YEARS ago just shows how much of a flawed little person OP is. Leaving her because of that reason would only mean that he'd rather save himself from the shame from dating a "slut." It's not a responsible action at all.
come on anon. OP was blindsided with this. He accepted 4 now it's 8 she dumped on him and it very well could be 12. I think anyone would be shocked. The way she told him isn't helping either.
I think it's reasonable to dump a girl for that to be honest, if you're not confortable with that. It's just a personal view, a value you can have regarding intimacy and sex.
I think it's not responsible to start a relationship with a girl you are not comfortable with, I can understand OP
OP, you sound awful to me.
you not only describe your gf as "nothing special" based entirely on her looks, but you're judging her worth based on something as arbitrary and meaningless as sexual partners.
You're awful. You need to grow up. You sound like an insecure boy rather than a man.
When a girl has standards she is smart but when a guy has standards he's an awful human being. You people that shit on OP are fucking hypocrites.
I completely understand your position OP, we all have some dealbreakers, even if those are out of the control of the person. For example a lot of girls want tall dudes, a lot of men don't want girls with many past partners I would say that in a way this requirement is actually less shallow because it judges people based on their actions not how they were born. That being said, I would advise to OP hat he gives her a chance especially if she has really changed and is faithful, but you have to make it clear that she should not lie to you.
Some people actually fuck around because they want casual sex for fun. Not everyone that fucks around are ashamed of it, regret it or are looking for a strong father figure in the wrong place. It's actually possible to be promiscuous and be totally okay with that.
>but when a guy has standards...
Standards? He's just admitted to being with a girls who's "nothing special" in his opinion. What sort of standards are those?
How does having sex, rationally speaking, make you less of person?
Yes it is. I never said it's not. But that doesn't mean that other people are prohibited from judging you for it and must accept you regardless of what you do. You can love yourself if you are a filthy furry as well but that doesn't mean everybody has to be okay with that and like you for it, they are free to choose who they associate with as much as you are free to choose what to do with your life.
Sleeping around with random guys certainly makes you less of a person to guys who want a girl that is exclusive and respect herself and her boundaries.
But I guess that's subjective. There's plenty of thirsty guys who don't mind a used whoreish girl
It doesn't. How does being 5'3'' make you less of a person? How does being ugly make you less of a person? Yet you wouldn't fault someone for not wanting to date someone who is short and ugly.
B-but my womyn is sexually liberated, I don't care how many guys she fucked before me!
I like being nothing but a meat instrument in her eyes, and pretending intimacy with her is still special, despite that she has given it away to every guy who asked for it. H-haha!
Well I wouldn't say it makes you less of a person, but it certainly makes you a specific kind of person, and not everybody has to like that kind of person.
You fucking retard you didn't even understand what I was arguing for.
I don't care about a number actually. As long as it was in a relationship I guess it's fine.
I just don't want a mentally tainted girl that likes to expose her pussy to random men
>Sleeping around with random guys certainly makes you less of a person to guys who want a girl that is exclusive and respect herself and her boundaries.
How is sleeping with someone not "respecting yourself"? You're yet to explain that to me. You think the way you do because you've been indoctrinated into this view of sex by the people around you.
Youre using your body as a sexual object. Its the same as objectifying it in images. Some woman like to act like sluts but others think of a person as not something to mimic a walking onahole
Well, sex is something emotional and intimate I would like to share with a girl, if I can tell she is giving this away for free to random people then I can tell she doesn't value it the same way I do
I wouldn't say a specific number but a woman who keeps fucking mostly to a long term relationship and doesn't fuck around much outside of it would be a good bet, also no history of cheating. For example 5 partners are ok if they were all long term relationships but 5 partners that she just fucked around with is not ok.
A true nord doesn't deal with matters like this.
Ignore the Reddit white knights OP, it seems like a lot of bitter females who fear losing their value are here to defend this kind of behaviour.
How are you holding up? Have you thought about it yet? In the end it's your decision. But I say it's a red flag of things to come
That's not a very good explanation, kay lets tell a story.
I have a friend, she has PhD in something fancy, earns lots of money. Owns a fancy car and a huge house, bar in her living room. She even has one room to get fake sun, she bought a fucking tanning bed.
She is hot as fuck, hates commitment, hates children and hates relationships. She spends all her money on a personal trainer and a healthy diet, looks like a movie star or something. One of her hobbies is hanging around at sex clubs and have casual sex with strangers/clubbers. Almost every weekend she drags home a new hot young male to have sex with in her home.
She is special, beautiful and intelligent. Not a walking "onahole".
>tfw 21 year old inexperienced virgin girlfriend
>tfw sex will be special and intimate between us
She is so kind and modest, pure and unspoiled.
I wouldn't even care though if she had normal sex in relationships. But I was extremely glad to find out there are still self respecting females left in this world.
>Youre using your body as a sexual object.
Circular thinking. How is that bad?
>Well, sex is something emotional and intimate
No it isn't. Not always. The people having sex define its meaning, it's not inherently sacred. If both people having sex are having sex for the same ends, they respect each others needs and wants, therefore there has been no disrespect.
Hey dude, I would honestly consider it if she has really changed and been faithful to you. From what you said she seems like a really chill girl that made mistakes in the past. While I don't approve of that kind of behavior I also believe in people being able to change and second chances. You might want to try and give her a second chance.
>How is that bad?
Not circular. Its only bad if you think people have value and should be respected. Its kinda like a porn stars worth ends at her ability to be a sexual object. If you want your worth to be that of an onahole then so be it. I just disagree but I cant give you more value than you give yourself.
What a beautiful, hot, liberated women. She holds the universe in her womb. I wish I could be like her, archieving and overcoming all these intellectual challenges, and letting Tyrone use me as a sex doll.
She's a beautiful and profound women who fills the emptiness with Chad's beautiful seed
>step up to the plate and date a used up roastie/single mother
end yourself who the fuck do you think you are to define what masculinity is? OP is his own man he can do whatever the fuck he wants and he can define what masculinity is on his own accord.
Well, I still have no idea of what to when she comes back.
If I break up with her, she will harm herself again. And I doubt I will ever again find a girl that loves me so much as her, she's really willing to do everything for me.
On the other hand, I just can't truste her anymore. And I don't feel any more special than those random guys with whom she fucked, when it comes to sex.
ITT: Redditors that are okay with dating whores
Just don't come back crying when she cheated on you because you weren't giving her enough "emotional validation"
>Her school grades sucked, but she started to study a lot, for real, just to make me proud of her and have a better future with me; now she's finally doing well. She's always caring about me, gives me a lot of love, does what I want, etc.
> she started to study a lot
She has potential, the ability to change. Also she stopped cutting herself, more potential. People are flawed, I bet she only lied because she was worried that you would care about her past.
But you do, so probably just leave her alone. She deserves someone better anyways.
>if you think people have value and should be respected.
...by shaming and shunning consenting adults who are enjoying themselves and hurting nobody? interesting idea of "respect and value" you've got there.
>I don't feel any more special than those random guys with whom she fucked, when it comes to sex.
Then you don't understand that sex isn't inherently intimate. You can have sex with someone and it can mean nothing, and you can have sex with someone and it mean the world.
Just like how a relationship isn't inherently intimate, as you pointed out when you said, like a real class act, that's she's "nothing really special".
>The message also stated that she would disappear for 5 days
let me tell you something, people don't change that easily, my brother dated a girl who claimed to be an "ex slut" and proved this to him all the time, after 1 year(you're almost there) when the honeymoon fase was slowly fading away she started going back to what she used to be, you should keep an eye on her behavior, probably the same case.
You fucking idiot.
This girls has lots of red flags.
Slutting around without thinking about it
Sending nude pics
Fact is, she is trickle truthing you. She is checking how you respond now, to see if she can reveal the more shit she has done. Guaranteed she has done more.
Where is your manhood? You are now setteling for a used-up slut that fooled around with HIGHLY LIKELY more than 15 guys and now you get the sloppy seconds?
You can't unturn someone this fucked up, certainly not at only 18.
ive been in a similar boat with my first gf, and honestly man, it's nothing but your insecurities saying these things. the thing is it SHOULDN'T matter, but to you it does, right? my advice is break up, but not because she's a slut, but because I really don't see this working out into a healthy permanent relationship for you two. This may always gnaw at you, if this is your only relationship. It took me a few years and a few girlfriends to start to realize how little it matters what they've done before. Maybe you can get over it, but it doesn't really sound like you want to be with her for good anyway, just sounds like she's there, and you're content with her, so best for you both to move on and find someone else. I feel bad for her cause sounds like she may have been turning her life around because of you, but I don't see a happy relationship coming out of this.
obviously she's telling you more and more because she's becoming more trusting/comfortable with you and is now afraid of losing you. These sound like things that won't immediately impact your relationship unless YOU make it. Yeah it sucks not being told everything at the start but do you really think you would have continued dating or even contemplated asking her out if she told you all of this day 1?
>date a person for severeal years.
>that person lies about him/herself
>after years tells the truth
>you've just been dating a person that does not exist for several years.
Lying kills relationships.
Depending on how much she told him, op is now basically forced with a choice of whethere he wants to start a relationship with this new person.
I've been in a relationship with a person like that, she didn't whore around (actually maybe she did, but I doubt it, there is very little chance of that), but she did make up lies and omited some thruth to make herself look "better" more "wife material" in a traditional sense. Dated her for about a year or so, and that whole time I didn't feel connected to her at all. No real sharing, or anything. By the time she did open up, the relationship was so fucked up, that it was not going to work out.
Also the iron there was that since we didn't connect at all, she didn't understand me, and didn't realise that the stuff she was making up, was worse than the truth, in fact the truth didn't bother me at all and if she would've told me the truth from the beggining I would've liked her much more.
The weird thing is that discussions of "this girl's a whore!!" I only see them here on 4 chan. I never see people in real life even discussing people's pasts, every guy I've dated has literally never asked me how many people I've slept with because they didn't care. I don't really ask either because it just doesn't matter as long as they are loyal, unless they have an STD or some kind of super widespread reputation of being the town whore/manwhore. OP, I don't know but to me 8 guys by 18 doesn't strike me as crazy, but maybe that's because most of my friends were promiscuous back in high school days. But they are all now in happy long term relationships, so obviously a lot of people don't give a fuck about the past. My boyfriend didn't like my past, but he got over it because he really loved me (although hypocritical for him to get mad when his own number was very similar to mine). The only thing was that I didn't bullshit about my number, I was flat out honest about it.
The lying is the only issue I see here, but imo it's a lie that can be forgiven once. Consider that maybe she lied because she genuinely cared about you and what you think? Would she bother lying about this to someone she didn't give a shit about?
>because she genuinely cared about you and what you think?
Why do people think that's a good thing?
That's just being selfish
Can I tell a girl that I am rich or help kids in africa so she can start dating me, it's ok I really care about her.