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keeping secrets in a relationship
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice

Thread replies: 14
Thread images: 1
I'm in a really good relationship at the moment, my bf and I have been together for a year and we've been living together for quite some time, but I feel like he is still hiding quite a lot of things from both his past and present, and I feel like some of these might be a make or break factor in the relationship.

If I start questioning him about my feelings he'll just end up getting upset at me and call me out for not trusting him. I just don't know what to make of the situation and I wish he would just talk to me.

Can anyone offer some general advice about this? Besides telling me to stop being so insecure and nosy...
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What do you think he's hiding?
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>>16777739
What about his past could be a relationship dealbreaker?
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>>16777741
>>16777751
To be honest I'm not quite sure how over he is about his ex. Which really gets me down because I feel like she still has an effect on him even now.
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>>16777758
Well if you're unhappy in a relationship, the first thing to do is talk to your partner. If you think your partner will react negatively, then that's a sign that there's something seriously wrong with your relationship. If he's freaking out over a suspicion like this, rather than comforting you and reassuring you that there's nothing wrong, then chances are that your suspicions are well-founded. But you're not going to know for sure until you actually talk to him
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>>16777770
Thanks - I just don't know how to bring it up because I am terrible at talking about things like this.

But yeah you are right, there's no other way to sort this out other than just talking about it. I have tried to bring it up but he just ends being dismissive and doesn't want to talk about it...
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>>16777780
>I have tried to bring it up but he just ends being dismissive and doesn't want to talk about it...
That's definitely not a good sign. You're either right, or he's too immature to have a proper relationship

> I just don't know how to bring it up because I am terrible at talking about things like this.
You just tell him. Tell him you want to talk to him about something, and then just launch into it. No point in beating around the bush with something like this, you'd just be prolonging potential closure.
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>>16777788
Part of me is also terrified of ruining what we have right now though. I honestly tried to be as open as I can and it hurts that he probably doesn't want to do the same just because he might have reserved some feelings for this girl still.
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>>16777797
You're not happy now though, are you? At least not 100%. Would you rather know that he doesn't like, or love, you as much as you do him, or would you rather live in ignorance? Clearly it's the former, because you're asking how to find out, and you're not going to know unless you talk to him. I understand it's scary, but I bet you'd rather be with someone who you know loves you than be with someone who maybe loves you.
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Let it go. He is with you. And if your worried about his ex then that is your insecurity pushing to the top. Stop trying to get him to think about her.

do the fun things you both enjoy and be better to him then she was. if you really love him and want to build a life with him, let him discuss it when he wants to share. if you cannot handle this, then you should break it off. but it is because you and not him.
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>>16777816
I disagree. How many times have you heard "get with another girl/guy" as advice for getting over an ex? If OP is a rebound or he's pining over his ex when he's with her, that's not fair on her. No one deserves that kind of relationship when they're putting in 100%
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Relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100/100. You're supposed to be completely honest with your partner and vice versa. Talk with him about it and let him know you'll work with him.

t. someone who couldn't get over their ex for a long time and felt like shit for it while never telling their gf out of fear
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>>16777974
Thanks.
I'm just not sure if it's completely reasonable if I break things off with him just because I find it to be completely one-sided how I share all the things in my life, and even the painful and personal ones, yet he can't do the same...

I've tried countless of times and it always ends up futile
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>>16777989
Hey, you listen to me right now and right here and I want you to get this into your mind right now.

I was in your situation before, with a pathological liar (I didn't find out until over a year in about his web of lies).

IT IS ALWAYS REASONABLE TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A REASON. If you are not feeling secure, happy, or comfortable in the relationship, then goddamn girl you break up and you break up no matter how frivolous the reason.

I used to be really insecure and stayed with men who didn't make me happy/weren't completely open and honest because I was afraid I couldn't do better. Then I just started focusing more on improving myself and respecting/loving myself more and now I am comfortable with ending a relationship if it isn't going well.

You don't need a reason to break up. Sure, it makes it easier, but regardless it's going to be a bad time. Just say "I don't feel like you're being fully open with your communication, and relationships are built upon trust, honesty and respect."

If he tries to deflect the blame or goes on some aggressive tirade about how you're being ridiculous, that's MORE than enough for you to be able to justify it in your mind. But honestly, OP?? Sometimes you don't have a good reason. Sometimes you're just not feelin' it. And that's okay, they're your feelings and nobody else can force you to define them.

I know you love him a lot but if this relationship isn't going anywhere and you're giving way more than he's giving back, maybe you should take some time to reconsider. Good luck.
Thread replies: 14
Thread images: 1
Thread DB ID: 493982



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