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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice

Thread replies: 19
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Hello /adv/

I have a gf of 5 years. We've had an open cellphone policy. We have access to each other's cell phone, all we have to do is ask.

As 2015 came to an end, she became increasingly more shady. New Years came and I snooped in her phone, I found a few guys hidden under girl's names.

We broke up and have been trying to work it out. So at the end of January, we had a period where we didn't speak for a week but we were together.

We met up and decided to work on it, I asked to proceed I wanted to go through her phone with her. She refused. I asked why, and she says she doesn't want to be in a toxic relationship.

She told me it's an issue of control.

She asked me as recently as a week and a half ago for my phone, and found nothing. She has asked me 3-5 times within the past year to see my phone. I have nothing to hide, so she found nothing.

She changed her stance and wants a trusting relationship.

Is she justified in this stance? I have never refused her to search my phone, not one single time.

This isn't a new relationship, its 5 years. We were engaged at one point.

Am I being a fucking fool?
My philosophy is that if there is nothing to hide, there should be no issues.

She sounds like a shady person. Especially putting guys in her phone under girls names.

Having said this: Are you the overly possessive and controlling type? If so, she is probably sick of it.
>going through someone's phone
>acting like a controlling parent to your significant other

nigger, wtf r u doin

Your girlfriend may or may not have something going on with another guy, it's tough to tell from what you've said. But regardless, she's not wrong in her arguments against the phone-snooping thing. You can't really police a relationship like that, and expect it to be good. Either you choose to be together, or you don't. But you're actively sabotaging it by constantly "checking up" to see if she's been lying to you. It just comes off insulting, and as you've discovered, it really doesn't even give you an answer to your question.

There will always be doubts, but you can't let them control you like this. If you're presented with EVIDENCE that she's cheating, then you leave. But if you're constantly searching for evidence even when nothing is wrong, you're ruining it. If you can't just set your doubts aside, take the leap of faith, and enjoy the moment, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.
In pretty much all of my relationships, when the girl gets touchy about their phone, they are pretty much guaranteed hiding something. Especially if they weren't touchy about it before, and then suddenly get shady about it.

If there is nothing to hide, why worry? I never stopped my girl from using my phone, no reason.
Well the problem to begin with was the open phone policy. It is one of those things to be honest with you, you can politically request of the other party, but never actually act on it.

Second of all, it is entirely likely that she has moved on and wants to explore new avenues, and she is only agreeing to the "trying to work it out" business because it is a 5 year relationship and she probably has done things that weigh on her conscience (perhaps she flirted with the guys on her contact list, or she felt that she "allowed" and was "receptive" to the flirting the guys , even if it is not necessarily cheating.

Whatever the case I think some introspection is on order as to why you have this open phone policy that you actually utilise, and why are you entering a relationship based on these policies, because ultimately it does nothing but poison and limit the relationship.
It's not using each other's phone that is the problem, it's the prying into and cornering someone with your accusations on what you believe the interaction was about.

Assuming nothing special had gone on with the guys on her phone contact list, his girlfriend already felt pressured into believing that OP would raise issues about the number of male contacts on her list, and raise issues with the content of the messages and other conversations that went between those male contacts that he would not have cared if it was female. That's more than a bit bad.
>open cellphone policy
Oh, gods, is this what it has come to?
We'll, do what you have to do, but if she wants access to your phone when she wants it, it should work the other way around, as well.
Fucking cell phones, man. I wonder how many millions of relationships they've ruined? One of mine, for sure.
maybe you should stop dating attention whores or it can be a sing that she is ready to monkey branch a new guy because she is bored with you.
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No, I encourage her to be her own person. I only snooped because there were SO many things out of place and I knew I wouldn't get a straight answer otherwise.

Im not that type. Please see above. That was the only time I did it in the past 1-2 years compared to her 5+. We agreed on an open cell phone policy.

I found evidence not of cheating, but of flirtation with guys that she hid. I would respect it if she just told me straight up, yeah I flirted babe but it doesn't mean shit.

Even after the fact I confronted her and told her verbally I know she has a name in her phone under a fake name, she looked me in my eye and lied about it.

Well the open phone policy was her idea, not mine. I am an open book, so I agreed.

Reasonable. She is a massage therapist and invited an ex boyfriends best friend to come get a massage. Flirtatious texts insued, and guess what, there were many deleted ones prior to that.
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I should clarify. That is an ex boyfriends best friend of over 5 to 6 years ago that she spoke of.
Your gf cheated or at least flirted with the idea of cheating on you, but now regrets it. She won't cop to it, but she doesn't want you to find out.

My inclination would be to dump her because in my experience cheating is a personality quirk, not a one off occurrence.
haven't you posted this before? About your gf being a massage therapist and having a guy under a girls name, that she flirted with claiming to not wanting to lose his business?

Because I'm pretty sure you got a 150+ post thread telling you to end it.
The fact that she keeps asking to check your phone over and over means she probably is doing something fishy herself. People tend to project their own failings onto others.
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I see. I become less hopeful each passing moment...

Yeah - this...

watching to see if OP addresses that question
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It's true. I did. And I am a fucking fool. I think I got all I needed. Sorry to bother you gentlemen.
you are being a fool. why do you have to show your phone if she won't show you hers? it literally makes no sense. she is shady and is trying to put you on the defensive to take the wandering eyes off of herself
Thread replies: 19
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