Help me out with a REALLY tough situation, /adv/. I'm 31, and my wife is 30. We're both doctors, doing alright. We're not rich because we have lots of student debt, but we're managing. Our relationship is GREAT.
Here's the thing. In our 11 years together, we've almost never discussed children. In fact, it's only really come up fairly recently... it's obvious my wife's biological clock is ticking. She says she wants to have a kid. It's not the most important thing to her, but she'd be "heartbroken" if it doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, I'm just not father material. I'm brilliant, fit, charismatic, and make a fair amount of money, but I fucking HATE children. I never, ever want to care for a child. We're both overworked and focused on our careers. We're also both recovered drug addicts, so I doubt both of our ability to be decent parents (I quit hard drugs but am an active pothead and never intend to stop). We also both have long family histories of mental illnesses, and we've both had extremely fucked-up childhoods... I still have severe baggage about kids in general. We're also both on long-term antidepressants.
What do I do? Just go along with it and have a kid? Plant my foot down now? Be ambiguous about my decision? She says she'd consider leaving me if I don't agree to a kid. I personally would also strongly consider divorce if she insists. Unfortunately, I told my mother-in-law about this... she absolutely flipped out at me, screamed at me over the phone, told me that I should divorce my wife, and told me that I violated my marriage vows. Holy shit.
It's a big decision and not for everyone, but if everything is right with your wife and you, I'd consider it. Being a parent changes you, not for the good or bad, but your priorities change.
I don't understand your analogy. You're, perhaps temporarily, becoming someone's legal guardian instead of bringing an entirely new life you are solely responsible for into the world.
Yeah, everyone is like "Omg, everything is so much different when you're a parent!" The thing is, I can just as easily imagine hating my children and never spending any time with them. I'd then be a fifth wheel in my own home, slaving to make money for some shitheads I hate. I've seen it happen to some of my friends.
I don't have strong family ties. My sister is a bipolar piece of shit, and my extended family is full of alcoholics and addicts (yes, I recognize the irony).
The most important part of this is that, right now, I just don't fucking want it. At all. I don't know what would happen if I had a kid, but holy shit... I hate kids.
Honestly, I would LOVE to be a periodic mentor (but NOT foster parent) to a number of poor / inner-city kids. That's a real way to make a difference. I'm a tough motherfucker who's been through just about everything, and I'm great at counseling others. I think I can genuinely help the world that way. (Also, if I die childless, I will give 100% of my money to charity.)
Haha, EVERYONE says I shouldn't have told my in-laws. The idea that a parent would press their children to have kids is absolutely foreign to me... my parents don't give a shit and said they respect my decision to be childless.
It's so strange to me that someone would coerce me to have a kid I don't want. Hell, my mother-in-law was screaming that as a Jew (I converted when I married my wife) it wasn't optional -- it was mandatory -- due to some Torah rule to have offspring that I've never heard about. It seemed really, really weird.
Look, I feel you. I hate kids, I hate being around kids. I doubt that part will change when you become a parent. You might feel more empathy for YOUR child, but he will still be a annoying little brat. If your wife feels strongly about kids and notices that you don't care for your child as much as she does, it will bring you apart. Now instead of risking a breakup with your wife now, you risk an even worse breakup years later with a childs life on the line as well.
So you had to convert religions to marry her, and you're surprised that having kids is considered an obligation?
Strange that only one of those things came up before now. But you shouldn't expect understanding and acceptance from people telling you to convert.
Kids are one of those things that you don't want until you actually have them and then ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS RAISE KIDS
It's natural brain chemistry, we're all made to be parents. Men often have to wait until the kid is born to feel it, but it's transformative. My brother just had a kid and he went from douche-bro to 100% all about his daughter almost immediately. Sorta weird to watch, but it's real.
And if you had fucked up childhoods, you know you'd be interested in making sure your kids didn't have one like that.
don't be a scared shit, we need smart people to reproduce otherwise it'll be all these fat fuck idiot high school dropouts shitting out kids and ruining humanity's future
>Kids are one of those things that you don't want until you actually have them and then ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS RAISE KIDS
I hear that a lot, and that sentiment is making me seriously consider it. But I'm deeply concerned that I just won't give a fuck. From my position right now, I'd rather put a bullet in my brain than devote my life to raising a child I don't want.
>And if you had fucked up childhoods, you know you'd be interested in making sure your kids didn't have one like that.
I'm not interested in that. Maybe I have a bad attitude, but I feel like I have no interest in making sure my child doesn't have a bad upbringing. My own parents completely neglected and ignored me, and deep down I don't TOTALLY disagree with how they parented me. I sincerely believe that kids are best left to their own devices. I'm not going to be there to hang out with them, drive them to soccer practices, make them feel better when they get hurt, etc. The sooner they realize they're on their own in this world, the better. (This is my childhood baggage at work, by the way.)
best post I've read on /adv/ today.
> but I feel like I have no interest in making sure my child
you don't have a child yet, so you can't be 100% certain.
I think you've taken a look at this situation the wrong way. Don't look at it as whether or not you want to have a kid, focus on what you have now.
Do you want to keep your wife? If yes., have a kid, if no then the answer is to divorce her and not have a kid.
When it comes to marriage the woman usually has the last say, ESPECIALLY when it comes to children. Btw I am wondering why you even got married if you didn't intend to start a family.
I grew up hating the fuck out of kids. I hated kids all the way up until I had one. Even now, I stil hate kids. But I love my kid. I strive to help my kid not be like all those other asshole child demons in the world.
And she isn't. She's a very sweet, shy, clumsy little girl that isn't bossy and likes to help others. It's great. I think my hatred for most spoiled demon children helped me parent my child to be a good kid.
Also, I'm a recovered addict with the diagnosis of bipolar type 1 but I think the diagnosis was a crock of shit. I haven't had an episode in over 8 years. I am prone to depression and anxious, but if anything, these things honestly bring families together. Nothing is perfect. Raising a child in a perfect world only sets them up for failure.