I met someone and he became my best friend (im female, his male) we spent most our spare time together having so many interests in common. i had a boyfriend who was always working and when he was home just wanted to be on his computer (we're both gamers) we hadnt spent much time together as he only wanted to play single player games and was irritated pretty much every time i spoke to him. i seen problems in our relationship and spoke to him about them and he basically shrugged them off. Dont get me wrong, ive never loved someone so much, everyday he told me im beautiful and he loves me and he is the most nicest guy you'll ever meet and avoids conflict. his idea of spending 'quality time' together was me sitting next to him while he plays a game on one screen and the other had a movie on it and we dont talk, if i do he sighs pauses the movie and his game and says "what?". we used to spend a lot more time together but his job is stressful and he always wanted his down time, or hanging out with his friends (once a week max) He encouraged me spending time with my new friend as he didnt share those interests and was glad not to hear about them so much. it was near a year after our friendship that i realized this person liked me, he started flirting and stupidly i was just glad for the attention and i went with it. one night just before my boyfriend got home my friend kissed me, i was gobsmacked and just went silent and pretended it didnt happen, greeted my boyfriend like normal then left to drive my friend home as there was no public transport, when i dropped him off he wanted to talk about it, i started panicking and couldnt believe it happened and hated myself for letting it happen, i got very depressed very quickly and didnt feel safe driving myself home as i kept thinking about driving into a wall. i called me boyfriend and he refused to come get me and sent his sister in law instead, her and i dont really speak so it was just silence all the way home.
i stupidly stayed friends with this guy, pretended we never kissed but eventually he started making advances again ( i am very attracted to my friend, things with my boyfriend in bed died down a lot due to his work stresses, i kept making an effort to spice things up but it always went back to >i suck him >he fucks me >he cums >i touch myself while he is hugging me and he often just falls asleep) i let him make advances and eventually i started making advances back, he wanted me not only for my body but for my mind and both of those turned me on. many months later when at his house we ended up sleeping together and that went on for months, pretending nothing was happening. i became very good at just shutting myself off from the other while i was with one, like a completely different life. i often stayed nights at my friends and wouldn't come back till late the next day. i was meant to be home by midday one time i stayed over to drive my boyfriend and work friends to the bar and my boyfriend spam called me (by this point my friend confessed his feelings for me and was extremely emotional, similar to a pregnant woman... he would get upset when my boyfriend would call and eventually i stopped answering to the phone to him to get my friend to stop being sooky) i did end up answering the phone, my boyfriend yelled at me and told me i was meant to be home, i wasnt due home for a few hours yet. i went home and be blew up at me about how im disrespecting him and i need to figure out what im doing.
I get very emotional around my boyfriend (only person i get emotional about) i just kept crying and saying im sorry, he work friend arrived so he went to greet him, i sucked it up and played happy housewife, my boyfriend was a bit shocked by how quickly i calmed myself. i drove them to the bar, went to visit my friend, told him i liked him too, he got very jumpy and happy. I then went home, had a shower, ate dinner then took all the medication in the house, including a fair few sedatives all while being extremely calm, i called my friend and i dont remember what i spoke to him about because i soon passed out.
From what my boyfriend told me, he came home 5hrs after i overdosed checked on my and game me a bottle of water (i often get dehydrated and he said i looked a bit out of it, i have no memory of this) i apparently took the water and hugged it like a teddy. he went on his computer and came to bed 3hrs later and i was pale and cold, an ambulance was called and i woke up in icu, when my boyfriend arrived he was crying (ive never seen him even tear up) he wanted to know why and i told him while still heavily under the influence of sedation medication that i had feelings for my friend and still loved my boyfriend, he told me that i didnt need to kill myself and if i wanted to leave him for my friend thats okay, just dont hurt myself.
i told him i only want to be with him (my boyfriend) and be happy, he later requested that i never speak to my friend again which i agreed with. i was in hospital for a few weeks under observation, my boyfriend came to visit me for 20-30mins each day after work. during this time i had been speaking to my eldest sister and she was positive that my friend had been manipulating me and spoke to me about it when i was in hospital, she convinced me he had and when he found out i overdosed and contacted me i blew up at him, pointed out all the little things he was doing to make me feel bad for rejecting him, so i just went with it (i now know this is 50/50 and i accept my actions for what they where) i tried to stay away from my friend and ended up only having online contact with him, he kept going on about how he loves me and a bunch of other cliche things, he was over emotional and he became suicidal, i often called him ambulances when he let on or threatened that he would hurt himself. that i know of now he got blind drunk everyday and burned his arm with cigarettes. my boyfriend did not know of this contact. my friend and i had a common place we would go where my boyfriend knew we might run into each other, but he was okay with only that. while there he continued to emotionally blackmail me to continue talking to him and one night when i got so worried about his state i went over there,
he was blind drunk and just abused me for being able to do what i done, he was very bitter and said things just to hurt me, he ended up making advances and i just went with it. i felt so broken nothing much made me smile anymore. i continued to very occasionally see him, i always told my sister everything and she always warned me off him from the start, he told me ways to try and make myself happy with my boyfriend and how to work through things. when i got out of hospital my boyfriend treated me a bit like a sick kitten but slowly he ended up paying my less and less attention. one of his work friends moved in, he spent all his spare time with him, i was always tagging along to listening to conversations. i realized that he wasn't making any effort to be with me, or keep me. i told him i wanted more quality time with him away from the pc and he was always too busy or stressed from work. my friend kept pulling at me to leave him and eventually i told him i did just to shut him up, he was always crying and getting emotional about it. every time i was alone i cried, every time i drove my car i imagined driving into a retaining wall. i had redistricted access to medication which is the only reason i didnt do it again. i suggested to my boyfriend that i might move out to give us both some space to work on things, i thought it might let him miss me and he would ant to spend more time with me, i ended up seeing him every few days or more, i always had to drive to him, he never wanted to visit me, and our time together consisted of netflicks movie on his bed then he would try having sex with me then sleep.
i trying think his only missed me when he goes to bed because im not there to hug and in that point only he realizes im gone. i repeatedly tried breaking things off with my friend, he would leave public facebook messages using words that only he and i know the true meaning to basically saying he wants to kill himself without me. i would always check his facebook after i cut him off and i would always get back in contact with him because i felt bad. i put myself back in hospital to the mental health ward because i didnt want to hurt myself but in brief moments when i got too low i kept trying to, not even to kill myself anymore, just to cause myself pain. i hate myself, i hate what i have done, i cant comprehend why ive acted this was and continue to. while in hospital i had my friends sister contact me a abuse me for my actions and what ive done to her brother (ive never met or spoke to her before) she was trying to protect her brother from the horrible person i am. while in hospital my boyfriend said he would visit and over a week in he didnt,
i broke up with him via text when i just felt id had enough of being ignored, just just accepted it. i now live alone i keep sleeping with my friend, i tell him i love him when the truth is i only have any feelings for him when his standing in front of me. months after our break up, still sorting out belongings and i tell my ex boyfriend i want to get back with him. he tells me thats not what he wants right now, over a few conversations my understanding is that he still loves me as much as he did, he wants to try sleeping with other women (im his first gf and first sexual partner) when he told me this i got upset, i expressed how much i want to make things work and he said "this is the reason im not getting back with you right now" i was crying and kept trying to work out a way we could be together. he told me maybe some day in the future, but right now he just wants to look after himself. Everyday i have emotional panic attacks where i become terrified of him meeting someone and starting a life with them, i couldnt handle that and i would hurt myself. in saying this i would never tell him id hurt myself because of that, i wouldnt black mail him into being with me. ive tried staying in casual contact with him to keep a friendship, how will he decide if he never see's me to see if those feelings are still there for him? i keep trying to think of a 'plan' which i know is stupid, to get him to be with me. he is still always to busy with work and now his work friend (after work) to hang out. he tells me he wants to but ends up doing what ever his doing instead.
I keep having my friend over just to feel something and i feel extreme guilt afterwards.
and time ive reached out online i get a "he dodged a bullet type comments" and im hoping someone has something of worth to say to me that might help.
While i was in hospital the last time i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder (im still trying to understand it)
I cant handle him leaving me forever,
I cant handle living with myself because of what ive done
I hate myself and i dont see much point in living, i managed to get enough medication together to keep me asleep for a few days on and off and im keeping it for a time for when i do want to kill myself so badly that ill just sleep for a few days instead.
Weow is this twilight or something? Why are you so indecisive? This is what happens if you let woman have male friends :)
>While i was in hospital the last time i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder (im still trying to understand it)
While i was in hospital the last time i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder (im still trying to understand it)
OP I get that you need to vent, but telling us parts like you came home and had dinner, and drove home and did this and that really takes away from the point of your whole post.
To be honest all three of you need to stop and reevaluate a lot of things in your lives. Describing what you had with your boyfriend, you kind of have been struggling with accepting that you may be second in his life, and if that isn't what you wanted, then you would have to find a way to transition out of that situation.
Your friend is kind of toxic because their persistence and manipulative habits, and fully knowing that you were in a relationship and couldn't respect that boundary.
And lastly, you need to breathe and take this time to evaluate the fact that you have an opportunity to build yourself from something new and not tied to being second to another person's life, nor be a pawn for someone else's immature games. And if you know you've fucked up, it's now a matter of accepting that things have happened the way they have and focus on rehabilitating yourself properly. You really can't be in a relationship and be that dependent to provide for someone when you need to help yourself first.
The actions before i overdosed was state to explain how messed up my mind has been. Thank you for your comments, they have really helped. i think ill save it to my desktop and read it everyday.
Apologies for the long post and thank you for reading
Both the relations you are having with the ex and friend are toxic to your growth as an adult. Imo however what your doing with the friend is making it harder to move on. You don't like being alone but everytime your done being with him you feel guilty. That is because you know it's not what you want. Just a gap that has been created and being filled.
You say you share everything with you sister. That good. What advice does she give you. And do you have some other friend or family that you can also open up to. /adv/ is OK but there lacks that personal connection with a person.
Getting several trusted friends view on everything can bring a lot of what is the best way to move on to the table.
Well OP, I'm a nice guy so I'll try not to be an ass about this but.... Neither of these men were good for you, both were using you for either personal pleasure or just to not be alone, and I feel for you OP. I've been down a similar road, except I was the one cheated on but that's another story for a different time.
The gist of it is, it's time for you to do what's in YOUR best interests and to find a guy that deserves you. You were manipulated by your "friend", it unfortunately happens, especially to good people. Keep your head high, find something to fill the time and keep searching for mr.right
God helps those who help themselves first OP, good luck and God bless