>Very basic TLDR: She says she's not ready for a relationship, but we're -basically- in a relationship and I feel like we don't spend nearly enough time together.
So, she's said pretty much from the beginning that she's not ready to commit to a relationship again. We've been getting to know one another for the past year and growing very close. We're exclusive with one another, we kiss, we call each other "babe", and there's some sexual contact (mutual masturbation, manual, blow jobs, etc.). We've already met each other's family and best friends, and we're starting to try and invite one another to important events.
The problem, though, is that, given the relationship we do have, I feel like we need to spend way more time together. Now, don't get me wrong, I've been very patient, understanding, and respectful of any and all of her boundaries. I never have and never will try to pressure or force her to do anything that she's not ready for or doesn't want to do.
The amount of time we spend together and the amount of effort she puts into what we have is pretty off-putting though. We see each other maybe once, SOMETIMES twice a week. She's also pretty difficult to get ahold of via text or phone calls. And I'll note that this isn't just a problem with me -- Her friends and family always complain that she's impossible to reach and that her time management is awful. Naturally, though, you can't expect a relationship to function properly if there isn't enough time for communication and bonding.
What should I do? We're VERY compatible, and I do like her very much, but I'm simply not willing to be put on the back burner or otherwise blown off by someone when I think that they should prioritize me more. How do I tell her that I can't go on like this unless she allows me to have more presence in her life without seeming like I'm giving her an ultimatum? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
>My advice is talk to her
You know, the funny thing is that we actually talk A LOT when we have time together. We've been extremely deliberate about taking things one step at a time, and being careful not to hurt each other. Not having enough time with each other has been something I've brought up in the past, but at the time, it wasn't like a deal breaking conversation. It was mostly just a "Hey, I want to spend more time with you" conversation. Now, the tone has to change to something more like "I can't keep doing this unless we can have more time together".
>it's not pressuring her to talk about what you expect in a relationship.
What do you mean by that exactly?
I don't think it's too relevant, but for what it's worth, I happen to be a traditional guy who wants to wait for marriage.
>inb4 every common response to this
To give advice bro. Honestly though if she says she's not ready for a relationship but then has a relationship with you its a cop out so she doesn't feel horrible when she's cheating on you.
Well, that's certainly unsettling to read. There's no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't do that, though.
Here's some more info: She doesn't work more than 45 hours a week, but she does always have the night shift (usually starting at 5:00pm or later). She's on a bit of a nocturnal schedule, so she'll sleep most of the day until pretty close to time to get ready for work, and then she'll be at work until at least 1:00am. Then she'll be up until it's time to sleep and start the cycle again. With the job I work (8 to 5, all week), I need to be asleep by 1am, so on days that we both work (pretty much every day unless she's lucky and gets weekends off), I'm basically only able to talk to her very briefly as soon as I wake up, very briefly as soon as she gets up to get ready for work, and during her breaks at work. We don't have much time to work with.
Another thing is that she's a bit antisocial, which is something I totally understand and relate to her with. People like us can be pretty selfish with our time. I still don't think it's an excuse for us to see each other so little though.
Oh, and I should mention that we'll spend the night together maybe 3 or 4 times a month. We do this when she has a weekday off, so I'll just go straight to her place after work since I can't be up super late. That's usually when we spend the most time together.
I can relate. I also work overnights and maintaining relationships becomes troublesome. What I would do is see her after work for breakfast see her off go to sleep wake up when she got back and spend time with her till I had to go to work. On my days off I would acclimate to her schedule. Honestly what are your ages. Cause the no sex until marriage seems like a horrible idea. Some people just aren't compatible that way
And she wants to wait for marriage? Because if not, she'll go out and get it elsewhere, if she's not already.
Also I wish people would stop using the word "traditional" like this. It has nothing to do with sex until marriage. I consider myself fairly traditional, as does my gf, and we don't see why we should not have sex.
If you really whole heartedly trust her get comfortable with the fact that do to work schedules your time together will be space. Rest assured bowing that time apart is actually good for some relationships as long as your time together is cherished. However, If she isnt trustworthy keep any eye out for indicators of cheating and harden up your heart. It hurts trusting the wrong people.
>What I would do is see her after work for breakfast see her off go to sleep wake up when she got back and spend time with her till I had to go to work.
That's actually not a bad idea. Sounds like you're speaking from experience -- Did you have much success doing this kind of stuff?
>Honestly what are your ages.
23 and 24. Plenty young enough for retarded, nocturnal schedules, but also plenty old enough to act like adults and take control of our schedules so we can see each other.
>the no sex until marriage seems like a horrible idea
Why is that? It's been pretty difficult to abstain when things get hot, but we do get each other off fairly regularly for how often we're together. More blow/hand/ass jobs would be preferred, but she does keep me reasonably satisfied in that department, and she hasn't had any complaints about how much/thoroughly I get her off.
>Some people just aren't compatible that way
Some people are, though. We both agree on not having sex, so it's not really an issue. Since I'm more willing to bend over backwards to get some time to see her, she can always call me over for a quick fix (I think I have the higher drive between us). How is this relevant to my problem though?
I just think sex is important in relationships personal opinion. But ya things were going well until she started feeling bored or uninterested in the relationship. She spent some time with her ex without letting me know and that was the end of that.
>And she wants to wait for marriage?
Yes. Sorry, I should've been a bit more specific. No sex until marriage was something that we mutually agreed upon, although I'm the one who brought it up first. When I brought it up, I did so because I was giving her a free pass to get out of our relationship with no hard feelings if she didn't agree on it.
>Also I wish people would stop using the word "traditional" like this. It has nothing to do with sex until marriage. I consider myself fairly traditional, as does my gf, and we don't see why we should not have sex.
"Traditional" might not refer specifically to abstinence, but MOST people would agree that abstinence falls under the "traditional" umbrella. To each his own, I guess. I just find the word easier than explaining all of the reasoning behind it.
> get comfortable with the fact that do to work schedules your time together will be SCARCE
We actually met as coworkers originally, so trust me when I say that we've already made peace with the free time hardship. Even with my limited time working the same job as her, I was able to always come through and see her when she had time, so that's why I don't feel like she could really use it as an end-all excuse.
> as long as your time together is cherished
Oh, it definitely is. Honestly, I think that the main reason I haven't made a big deal about this whole thing to her is that I can't stay mad/frustrated with her. We just have too much fun when we see each other. We're really compatible, and every moment I get with her is extremely refreshing, no matter how much or little time we have. What blows is that I go through these cycles of having doubt because I feel like we don't communicate enough, and then all of my worries are laid to rest for a while after seeing her because it always puts me in a great mood and fixes the problems. She's even commented herself that spending time with me has always fixed our issues.
>I just think sex is important in relationships
I beg to differ. I'd definitely love to bend her over and slam her until I had no strength left, but we've found plenty of ways to creatively toe the line and have more than enough fun, so feeling pent up isn't an issue that can't be fixed. I could go into the deeper reason why I'd prefer to wait until marriage, but realistically, I can see it this way: Rather than looking at it as a relationship that lacks sex, I look at it as having hand/blow/tit/ass/toy jobs that my life lacked before we found each other. We're both perfectly content with that.
>But ya things were going well until she started feeling bored or uninterested in the relationship. She spent some time with her ex without letting me know and that was the end of that.
That would be awful. I had that happen in a previous relationship, and I have absolutely no tolerance for suspicious behavior anymore. I hate to say it, but there definitely are some silver linings to the fact that she's a bit terrified of running into her ex.
It's not. Just that sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you both agree on the no sex thing, that's fine.
But are you sure she's not having second thoughts about it now? Since you are the one that brought it up.
>sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship
Why isn't sexual compatibility something that can be explored without actual intercourse, in your eyes? We both have a very good understanding of who likes what, and how much of it. We both know how much it takes to bring each other to orgasm, and when multiple orgasms are possible. We can edge each other for quite a while only going off of the body's responses. We're both very attracted to each other. Not to mention, our sexual preferences were acquired tastes -- Initially we both had problems getting each other off, but we now understand each other, and have a great deal of fun getting each other off. I'm pretty confident in saying that sexual compatibility is the least of our issues.
>But are you sure she's not having second thoughts about it now?
Yes, because it's something we've talked about quite a bit. There's very little drama between us, and as such, we tend to approach stuff like this in a very easy, straightforward way. I have no reason to think that she'd keep it from me if she had an issue with it.
>Since you are the one that brought it up.
Eh. SOMEONE has to bring it up. I'm not suddenly going to start feeling insecure about our sexual relationship just because I beat her to the punch.
It's not about keeping myself from being a sexual person, because I am very much so. It's about keeping something that I'll give only to my wife. Sex might not be a big to deal a lot of people, but ANYTHING can be a big deal if you assign some importance to it. For example, if you decided for some reason that you didn't want to kiss someone until you were in a relationship, don't you think that the anticipation and desire for it will be increased?
No, but anal IS something that we have (and still do) consider. When I say ass job, I'm talking about her grinding me to finish, usually really lubed up. Look up ass job and I'm sure you'll find it.
Whoops. Wrong trip codes. I am OP though. (At work, so I'm posting from my phone)
Also, while I appreciate the replies so far, I'd like to point out that my main question was about how I should approach her with all of this.
We -have- talked about this before, but I need a real change this time.