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Post No. 16757850
How do I go about making friends when I have a toxic personality?
No matter where I go or how often I use different usernames in games or forums, I get massive amounts of hate. It's not limited to the internet either, i've been barred from stores and restaurants, i've been kicked out of volunteer activities (most recent was helping clean a homeless shelter), and everyone that i've caught forcing themselves to spend time with me always look so defeated and worn out.
This problem has gotten to me so much that i've started wearing audio recorders on myself to try and figure what I did wrong when shit hits the fan, and even got regular meetings with psychiatrists to figure out whats happening, and when I bring in records of what happens to the psychiatrists office upon his request, he says he can't hear anything wrong.. It literally feels like someones been actively fucking me over my whole life.
I'm at a point where if some miracle doesn't happen soon I wont be able to live a normal life. I'm 26 years old, haven't had a friendship last longer than a few days, and even asking people what i've done wrong gets me nowhere because they just call me an awful person. I feel like im missing a vital part of my brain because neither I nor anyone else seems to be able to put the pieces together to figure out why i'm such a hate-able person.
No, i'm not going to kill myself, dying doesn't solve anything, it just makes the person unaware that things are happening, there is no relief, its not different than going to sleep and never waking up.
Pic kinda related, I feel like that old woman and that my phsychiatrist is the black guy.