So I have been dating his girl for about 2 months, and she seemed to really like me, and I have pretty heavy feels for her. The last couple of days she was acting weird, not replying to texts or opening my snapchats. I see her put one up on her story so I know she has her phone. The story she put up had a guy in it. Me being as cynicalways then as ever started to expect the worst, but capped it because she genuinely seemed to like me. Now, today she texts me that an old flame has moved back and she still likes me, a lot, as she says. But she also has feelings for him still and "doesn't know whats going to happen between them". What do I do? I feel very upset about this, and what I want to say is "spend some time with him, and let me know what you want after you do. Because it is either me or him. I won't compete for attraction." But I am afraid that she won't pick me. Better than picking me out of pity I suppose. I just can't help but blame myself. If I was not inadequate then she would not even be torn.
It sounds like you are going great to say the right thing. Let it be known that she can't just fuck with you and that you will put your foot down. Test if she likes you. If n she chose the other guy then young guys were probably not going to work out anyways.
No, I keep that shit pretty deep within myself.
>She says she is "confused"
That's code word for being attracted to multiple people at once. Or letting you down easy.
Either way, I wouldn't say this:
>spend some time with him, and let me know what you want after you do.
Because you're basically saying you're going to stick around and let her make the decision and then abide by it. You're giving her all the power.
IMO it's already game over. She's "confused." She's ignoring you. She's putting up Snaps of him. She's probably already fucked him to be honest man.
Could you "win" her back? Maybe, but not without a shit ton of toxic drama that you just don't need. I'm very sexually experienced and I think you should just move on honestly. Do it without seeming whiny either.
>Hm. Alright, well you should work on figuring it out.
Don't tell her what you're going to do. Don't tell her you'll be there for her. Fuck that. Tell her she should probably figure that out and then go be with other people. 9/10 she'll fuck with him for a few months and then you'll get the:
>I miss you
text at 2am lol. Then you have the power. And if she doesn't come back who gives a shit because you've been busy in those months ;)
I still like her enough though. I asked if they have done anything and she said no. She nasty always been honest wih me up my until now so I belive it, but I know I shouldnt. Apparently hey have history and the only reason they split is because he moved. But she says that she likes me and is asking for my patience. Part of me says fuck that, but annoyed part wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. I may be blinded by feelings though.
Man girls fucking suck OP. I've just come out of a similar situation to you.
Was seeing this girl for over a month. Head over heels for me, we did a lot together and met each other's friends/parents. But then all of a sudden, within a couple days she just started ignoring me, not answering snapchats or opening my messages. I knew something was up. And of course I was right.
It's all over now. Not sure how someone can just lead a person down an emotional roller coaster like that.
I agree, this is worse hand the time a grill cheated on me, at least hen I knew for sure what to do and did not undergo huge doubt. He thimg too is that I would have never expected it from her, she seemed so cool. Maybe that was all fake as well.
I am not great with women, between my job and school is was lucky and glad to have a seemingly real relationship. There were no red flags. I just should have stayed cynical and not given the benefit of the doubt.
Well anon if she really likes you then let her confusion and doubt lead to pain. She will regret it and feel terrible and that will be punishment. If she comes back, you can accept and hen you have all the power.
I'm getting major feels in this thread, I have been through the exact same thing. Fucking women...
>I feel very upset about this, and what I want to say is "spend some time with him, and let me know what you want after you do. Because it is either me or him. I won't compete for attraction."
Say this in the calmest, most measured way possible. Don't make it seem personal, just be clear that you aren't going to be part of some kind of competition.
Letting her spend some time with him is a good way of avoiding the instinct to be controlling or jealous, and is absolutely the correct play. If she's going to go back with him, she's a flake, fuck her. If she expects you to fight over her, she's a drama queen, fuck her. If she can spend a bit of time with him, not cheat, and picks you, it's meant to be.
"not cheat" is VERY IMPORTANT. If she cheats, she's not picking you, even if she says she is.
Perhaps it is best tof make her know that she likes you most. People have doubts all the time, just most of the time hey don't express them. Give this thing a little bit more time and then if things keep going south then at least you tried.
Thanks anon, I don't, want to seem controlling, but I also want her to know I am not going to compete. Because how I see it it really is her choice. Some choices are fucking shitty, but I can't force anything. I plan on being sure to not have a bitter tone. I am just hoping everything works out. A week ago she told me that it was scary actually liking someone again, and that she is afraid she might mess up and end up without me. I have no idea how to interpret this reasonably. My skeptical side thinks that might be a bullshit front, but from what I could tell she was in person a shy and kind of reserved person. So I may just be overreacting about this, but then again, I don't think I am.
Don't feel so bad, anon, that's a shitty, immature thing for her to do.
She led you on and is about to jump to another guy. That's not someone to feel bad over losing.
Don't be a dick, but tell her off. Be assertive. Tell her you think that's fucked up and leave it at that.
Seriously, it drives girls crazy when a guy stands up to them and then breaks contact because they're normally the ones who play that shit.
>like a real man
But you see anon, I feel like that is not the ideal situation. If this is just her being a little afraid of what the relationship has become then I don't want to throw the baby out withe the bathwater.
I disagree with you.
What she's already doing by playing this game sets up a very bad precedent. He has the right to be pissed, and she should know it.
If she wants to be with him, she shouldn't have done this.
Don't let the ball be in her court, OP. Then she wins either way.
His also makes sense. I want to be assertive that it was a shitty thing to do, but also give her one more chance. She has not fucked up before so I feel like one chance would not be too bad. I do definitely think it was a shitty thin g to do, but she could be a little unaware of that. She is near r9k levels of social skill at times.
It's definitely not good, but it's sort of an understandable mistake.
He should definitely put his foot down about this being a one time thing. If she does this again, it's over. It needs to be made clear that this is ad hoc, NOT setting precedent.
But it's early enough in the relationship that it's sort of understandable that it would happen. If they'd been going out for six months or more, I'd tell OP to cut her loose, but two months is short enough that ambivalence is understandable.
I'm not trying to sound too cynical, but doing it at all is a bad thing to do to another person. Women have a way of leveraging the "I didn't want to hurt you" card as a way of getting away with shitty stuff and still come out the victim when you get understandingly mad.
Speaking from personal experience, if a girl you're dating is acting shady and is hanging with another guy, its probably what you think it is. And the other thing is, she won't admit to cheating if she did.
I don't mean to be all doom and gloom here, but I've been in the same spot. I gave her a bunch of chances instead of following my gut and calling her on it. In retrospect, its one of my biggest regrets.
You can only look out for yourselves, anons. There's always other women out there. Never take shit you know you don't deserve.
If OP is to be trusted the girl and guy did not do anything, otherwise she wouldn't have said a word. She just told him she was having doubts. Happens all n the time in early relationships.
>"spend some time with him, and let me know what you want after you do. Because it is either me or him. I won't compete for attraction."
That's a good outlook to have. It may be hard, but you got to be real with yourself - if after 2 months of knowing you, she still needs to be convinced, then the relationship isn't going to go very far, one way or another.
OP here. I am hoping that her past with this guy makes it understandable. I don't think she was manipulating because we have been on about 10 dates and she had to drive 45 mins. To get to me. Plus she insisted on paying a couple of times. What was there to gain? Those dates aren't even counting the days when we just chill. It just doesn't add up.
> I am hoping that her past with this guy makes it understandable
Deluded. It's OK OP, I'm convinced that all men have to learn this lesson the hard way. When she crushes you, remember that you chose to let her do it.
But why all the time? She gained nothing so what is up? If she was trying to use me for money or anything else she would realize I was no good for that after the first few times. In any event, I am ready and expecting her to crush me, just hoping it does not happen. If that does happen I have lined up a potential rebound, so mat least my dick will be wet.
><But why all the time? She gained nothing so what is up?
I don't understand your confusion OP. She's been pretty clear with you that she's attracted to both of you. The issue here isn't that this is a scooby doo mystery that needs solving. There's no fucking mystery. She wants his dick. She think you're a good match.... if she decides she doesn't want his dick anymore.
You're choosing to sit around and wait for her to decide between dicks. You shouldn't be doing that. Where's the mystery?
She was attracted to you for looks and maybe personality and now she is weighing you against this guy. Best course of action is to let it resolve itself while asserting your standpoint. She obviously liked you at least a bit, so even if you don't get her you might have redeeming qualities that will help you get other women.