Here's the skinny:
>Boyfriend calls me stupid every day.
>I do more stupid things because I work terribly under pressure; making him call me stupid even more.
>He asks me to do so much and I do so little. I feel so lazy and I definitely look like I am.
>Don't want to use my depression and other physical and mental illnesses as excuses, and only say so when I think it is so necessary.
>A few nights ago he snapped and says a few horrible things - will describe below.
>Don't know how to feel and what to do.
I can't get angry at what he had said; it's the truth - I can be so lazy, and no matter how much I improve myself or try, it never seems to be enough and I always do something wrong.
The night where he snapped, he thew my laptop on the tile floor after shutting it on my fingers and said I am incapable of anything, I have no ability for anything. He said I am so stupid and never do anything right, and in the spur-of-the-moment he told me he doesn't like me and told me to go back to my own country (Our living arrangements are complicated; we are both from different countries, etc.).
Of course he said more things than that, but I am so upset that he thinks so poorly of me. I love him so much and being depressed makes it hard for him. I always feel like I bother him. Whenever I try and talk to him about this, he simply says I think too much and carries on with his day.
At the end of the day, we both make each other more happy than sad, and we always say that we love each other (no lies). The problem is me, and I am just scared I will make him snap again and this time it won't just be what he did (listed above).
>You don't necessarily need to say leave him or not, just your opinions are okay.
>Do you think I create a toxic relationship?
You haven't done anything wrong. If someone you love is constantly calling you stupid and berating you, he's bad. You're fine.
You may love him, but he's hurting you. You really should break up and get out of there.
I really think it is because I make him feel so angry. I barely do anything (mainly because I am physically unable to; but I hate using it as an excuse). It makes him so upset because he feels like he is pulling all the weight, so I understand why he got angry. He deserved to get angry, I would be, too. Actually I wonder why he hasn't left me yet after so long.
Never have I ever been less interested in a book/book series, and I love books so much.
See my reply to >>16735920. I really think I make him so angry, and i do think he deserves to be.
Actually he helps me way more than hurting me. Since he does so much, he just feels like he is doing all the work while I don't do anything. I constantly disappoint him no matter how hard I try.
dont blame yourself that your BF is retarded. he cant help it: he is a moron.
throw his stupid ass out. you dont need his constant bitching he wants a maid he can fuck. next time he decides to do some thing like he usually does grab his dick and squeeze HARD then repeat after me:
>do you want this back? you have 2 choices you can leave by the door or the window the choice is yours...
my sister was damn near beaten to death by a dipshit like this. but she had to tell him to fuck off and thats what you need to do.
The reason why I posted here is because you all don't know me, nor would you know my partner. This means I can receive un-biased advice, and I think others post here because of the same reason.
It's mainly because he works so hard and I do so little in return, even if I try my hardest. I end up screwing him over. Also I live with him in his country, so leaving is so complicated. Especially since I have no family to return back to, unreasonably shy so I can't ask people to let me stay with them, and he is the only person that matters so much to me.
But I will definitely talk to him tonight after he gets back from work about him making me feel like I am worthless and incapable of achieving anything. Will update later.
>I barely do anything (mainly because I am physically unable to; but I hate using it as an excuse).
If he truly loved you, then he wouldn't use something like that as an excuse to get angry with you. That would be a reason to be nurturing and understanding.
You need to get out of this relationship.
A good, healthy relationship makes you feel safe even when you're at your lowest point. He's a terrible person if he loses his temper like this. He's the one making this relationship toxic so do not blame yourself or allow him to blame you.
I have depression, and I've experienced ex bfs like your guy. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks to love a guy you don't feel safe to be yourself around or scared how he'll react when you don't meet his expectations.
Get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
It sound like your "love" for him stems from a mixture of dependency (living conditions), shame (you perceive that you're such a drain on him) and a debt (your own words "It's mainly because he works so hard and I do so little in return").
He doesn't get angry at me because of it, but sometimes I feel like he would think I am exaggerating or something.
I feel safe around him 99% of the time. It is just that 1% when he snaps at me for doing something bad.
I think this is accurate, but it's more than that, too. Not just because of what I do to him, but of so much more. But that's corny and this is 4chan.
I won't get too detailed, nor will I share much, but basically:
Always have been physically small, frail and weak. I am always sick due to some sort of reason whether big or small. I had cancer as a young child and it still screws with me.
I have random days where my body hurts all over and I cannot move more than my fingers and head. There are also days where I am too weak to move properly or lift, carry, drag items, etc.
The good old, big and scary Black Dog and PTSD are the biggest attackers mentally.
I have poor memory in general, so sometimes I forget what he has asked me to do. It doesn't help that I can wake up one day and lose parts of my memory, whether it is for a few days, weeks, years or certain parts of my life, if what had happened was so bad I'd block it out in my sleep. Lucky it isn't often and has only happened twice since I have even known him.
>What he is asking from me:
It isn't much! It is why I get so upset I don't do it. He asks me to clean the house, his stuff, cook and run errands.
What happens is that I do one thing, but he isn't happy about the way I do it - or that I forgot to do the other thing. For example, I could have mailed the letters, but because I did that, I forgot to mop the floors or something.
That's what I mean by me feeling like I am lazy; I forget what he asks me to do or I am physically and/or mentally unable to do it on that day. He asks me to do something so simple and I don't do it, so he gets angry, which is reasonable.
I just covered the basics. Sorry if there is too much text.
you should date people who make you want to be a better person, people who push you to the top, not saying 100% of the time that you're worthless.
If people keep saying that shit, the bullied start to believe it at some point, i feel sad for you, OP.
My advice would be that you should break up with him and find someone really nice inside and not a piece of shit.
I told him that I am really starting to think that I am stupid. He said he will stop, alas he had forgotten and started calling me stupid again a couple of days later.
Sometimes it's obvious he says it as a joke, but still. Hurts, man.
that's what i said...
No get out and find someone who'll treat you right and be supportive and motivational.
I used to be like your bf, not as much, but sometimes tell mean things to my SO, now i have learned my lesson, i promised myself to not be mean and try to be more supportive (even if i was at the time, i shouldnt have said such mean things to her, even if it was not often)
You'll end up cheating on him if you continue that way, you'll want to find support elsewhere if you don't have the strenght to end up things with him...
Did she break up with you because she was hurting too much?
I want to talk to him more about it, and be more serious about it tonight. He isn't the kind of person that never learns from his mistakes.
she cheated on me because she was the type of girl that don't communicate and keep it all for herself, one day she decided to cheat because "fuck it" (she had an history of cheating, thought, but i don't blame her, she was raped in her youth so i guess she's a bit damaged and do not percieve things like i do)
i loved her very very much despite the facts that i sometimes told her means things, i was being too much controling, i guess she had enough.
It hurted me a lot, it took me at least one year to get over it, and i must admit that i still think about her time to time and i do miss her, we broke up the 11 november 2014, i'm single since.
Anyway, if he don't change, you have to left him, if communication didnt worked, you don't have any choice left than "teaching him a lesson" by leaving, but don't get to the point you'll cheat because you feel bad.
You have to be strong
She needed to communicate instead of jumping to the conclusion that you won't learn your lesson ~
I understand what you're trying to say. Thanks.
I don't understand, sorry~ Hugbox? T.T
Pretty aware already that I am the toxic one, so I keep trying hard to fix myself, but it's never working or good enough, even if I do and have improved so much.
>She needed to communicate instead of jumping to the conclusion that you won't learn your lesson
Yeah but as i said, it's a type of personality, she wasnt the type of girl that communicate very much, she have hard time to share her feelings and she was doing her best to not having an argument with me, she wanted peace and thought that i'll eventually understand that she was suffering.
But yeah, she shouldnt have cheated in the first place, that's a terrible things to do, she'd probably gave me an ultimatum and i'd have understood...
Anyway, best of luck for you, OP, your situation is not good and i feel for you.
As i said, either communicate with him a LOT, and if he doesnt change, leave him, it's better for the both of you
My ex boyfriend used to be similar in that he would always tell me that I was naïve, didn't understand, gullible, idiot, stupid, blah blah blah. The only difference is that I didn't blame myself and put up with his shit and I told him where to shove it and broke up with him. See, regardless of how useless you think you are, if he has that much of a problem with it he should just break up with you instead of berating you. Only a person with abusive tendencies does that shit to their SO.
I understand, I was like that so much and still find it hard to communicate, even though I have improved that. Maybe she will or already have improved that herself since you two have split.
I keep asking him why he hasn't left me, and he only ever responds with jokes (I would sometimes too lol).
I understand, thanks for your input. When he gets back tonight, I am going to talk to him about everything. He may take some time to improve (as do I), and I would need to remind him and stuff. But if he can work on it, and I can work harder for him, then everything should be fine. We just have to work together.
>Maybe she will or already have improved that herself since you two have split
Yeah no, i don't think so, after me she fucked ~15 guys, she got a bf, she cheated on him, and now she's with another one she find 15 days after she broke up with the previous one...
But i don't wish her a bad life, it's just sad that she can't understand she have a problem with being faithful, she never saw a psychologist after she was raped and she don't think she have a problem...
Anyway, she's not a part of my life anymore, so i don't care that much.
1% is enough. If he scares the shit out of you 1%of the time, it's too much. I know it sucks to hear this, but he doesn't love you. You should always feel safe around him, even when he's angry, not necessarily at you, but also that. When he's yelling or whatever, you should still feel safe knowing he won't hurt you.
That 1% worries me. I really think you need to leave. This is the kind of thing that snow balls. It starts like this and gets bigger. Leave before you become a statistic.
I think part of the reason he gets irritated with you, although not justifying how he treats you at all, is because you come off as this meek mouse who has no backbone and constantly thinks they're in the wrong. If you keep asking him why he hasn't left you he will not treasure you because he thinks you depend on him sooo much and that he is your lifeline, so he will act arrogant because of that.
I understand, thank you. I am definitely going to talk very seriously with him tonight, even though I am rarely a serious person.
Hm.. I don't really think I am clinging more to him. Actually I have been distancing myself away slowly. Mainly because I am trying to become more independent and show him I am not stupid and can do things on my own.
I haven't asked often, I think twice or thrice total in the last couple years since we have been together, and it has only been in the last month or so that I have asked him, but definitely have I thought it so often.
I'm cuter than a mouse. Maybe a deer lol. But yeah, I understand.
>Hm.. I don't really think I am clinging more to him. Actually I have been distancing myself away slowly. Mainly because I am trying to become more independent and show him I am not stupid and can do things on my own.
They will rationalize it a million ways and in the end, they'll still be sucking his abusive cock. Again, it's fucking hilarious.
>I'm in an abusive relationship
>what do I do
Fucking leave that asshole.
No wonder why he calls you stupid, you certainly are retarded.
Also cut contact afterwards. You sound idiotic enough to take him back.
How many women do you know who have been in abusive relationships? For me it's like 90% of them. They fucking seek it out and then they get stuck in it. A lot of times they're miserable and don't understand it rationally but for some reason they can't leave. Of course, most of them do eventually leave, but not until way after any sane person would. I mean look at OP. This guy is verbally tearing her down and making her feel like shit and actually physically harming her now and she's just now thinking about thinking about leaving him. It's pathetic and if this guy had simply "tried too hard" and called her beautiful and given her roses all the time instead, I guarantee you she would have dumped his ass. It's completely backwards.
I didn't exactly ask what I should do. I want to hear non-biased thoughts and opinions.
I'm definitely not the kind of person to take people back once I say goodbye, no matter how it seems here~
He smashed your fingers into your laptop and then smashed it on the floor. You don't talk to him about this, you get as far away as possible. Most murders of women in abusive relationships come when they try to leave or after. GTFO.
Because to most of us (men), that is just a show of affection of reaction. Because we believe it's what the SO wants. If it were up to most of us, we wouldn't give shit because it's a waste of resources. The thought is nice and all, but why the fuck do I need a snow globe?
Because very often there is no meaning behind it, its a facade.
OP You should probably get out of your "relationship" with this person, he is pretty toxic and will only cause you misery in the long run.
Just talked to him, he took me seriously. Mainly because I told him I won't give him another chance if he calls me stupid or does something else again.
I told him exactly how he makes me feel at times and that he needs to stop.
Thank you for all your opinions and advice. If I didn't post, I think I would just keep on giving him second chances and try to justify his behaviour. I'll work harder to be better as well.
All these posts saying you're fine and he's the problem may be a little too hug-boxy to be objective.
Little devils advocate. I am a boyfriend with a lazy girlfriend. I work a salaried job for livable salary and provide all amenities, luxuries, and necessities for our household.
So, I get home from 10 hour work day in a physically and mentally environment.
Asked girlfriend (unmotivated, pretty ditzy, can barely use a can opener, but otherwise caring and attactive) to do dishes, clean bathroom, pick up a little, do a load of wash. She says "okay, baby." Nice! I'm going to get home from a long day and be able to drink a beer and play vidya for a little bit.
8pm rolls around and I step inside the door. Everything is exactly how I left it, girlfriend sitting at her 1800$ Alienware desktop. Been there all day, didn't even bother to cook herself or me dinner.
I'm livid. Rant a little bit, break some things. Been like this for months now and I can't handle the stress of a home, pets, and her to maintain. Say some colorful and mean things.
Did that mean I didn't love her? No. Is she stupid? Absolutely. Is she unmotivated and pretty useless sometime? Yeah, she is.
That situation was 3 years ago. Been together for 6 years now, and I couldn't imagine life without her. Do I still get pissed at her? Absolutely. Does she do her chores? Not great, but I only appreciate the fact that she tries and I that's really all I ask for.
>tl;dr just fucking try to do something instead of moping around whining about what you physically or mentally can and can't do