Hello, I'm a female and first time poster. I will first tell you about my situation and give up an email if you want to help more. I appreciate everything anyone can do for me.
Anyway, I have been in a relationship with this man for a year and a half now. We have been through hell and back, both at fault for a lot of problems that happened in the past and well, we live together now. We decided to do so because we were ready to move forward and be happy together. But I have been the worst kind of person since we moved in 5 months ago. I am abusive in many ways. In retrospect, I regret the things that I do and see the logical ways I could have prevented them, however, I lack that self awareness when I'm enraged. I know I have a choice to choose to be abusive or not and I simply seem to always to the former. I love my boyfriend but I have been overly jealous of his friends, manipulative, controlling and aggressive (I've hit him before). I want to change and gain control over myself, choose to not be abusive and to work on my own problems to better the relationship I have with him. I need to be told things that I don't want to hear. I need support and friendship and though I can't directly ask for that here, I can sure be open to anyone willing to help. Here's my email: email@example.com. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to help. I want to save my loved one from this abusive person that I have become.
You've conquered the first step, which is to recognize and admit that you have a problem! Bravo! Many people don't make it that far. If you can't seek counseling I would suggest you visit your local library and peruse the self-help section. There are many books about anger management and self control and abuse, etc, etc. Most books like this, I find, will have 2 or 3 good ideas, and the rest is fluff. So pick up 3 or 4 of them.
One of the biggest keys for me was realizing, in the middle of a tantrum, that I was being unreasonable, and then apologizing and if appropriate, offering a BJ. Most of the time I didn't have to give the BJ, because he'd be so emotionally disoriented at my change of tone, but it does soften the blow some. What you don't want to do, what many bitches do, is in the middle of a tantrum to realize they're wrong, and then double down and become even more irate. That's a bad time.
Being the abuser and knowing that I'm wrong is something I just admit to myself yesterday. Your advice on finding books about it all helps and I will do that. I can't afford counseling at the moment, but I will save up and find expert help once I obtain the money for regular sessions.
I would totally do that. I am unreasonable. I tend to bottle things up and explode on him (this is what happened yesterday) and to him it's random, but I'm so involved in my own head and I feel like I make myself sad. But then again, I only seem to see this in retrospect. I need to connect this logical thinking when I'm being my most illogical self. I need to stay grounded before anything happens.
If you really love him, then this will be easy.
Remember, he's a human. He have his necessities of social life and shit. You are a couple, of course, but he also need his private space. Don't be jealous of his friends. Instead, try to create your own group of friends, and let him live his life.
Also, would be a good idea to apologize for what you have done. You are his partner, not his owner.
It's all about learning more about yourself, recognizing the signs that you're getting angrier and angrier before you actually lose it.
The turning point in my relationship was when he laid out the mean things I'd called him, and then he asked me if he'd even even called me a bitch. Never, not once had he ever said anything so mean to me. I thought about all the things I'd said to him, and tried to remember anytime where he said anything like that to me, and there wasn't. It made me feel like shit, and like he deserved better.
Rather than give him up, I decided to become better. It took a lot of time, I had to learn to go from throwing expensive things at his head, to throwing cheap things at the wall, and then to throwing nothing at all. If he deserves better, then BECOME better.
Because it's her problem. Not his.
It's something he can help her with if he's willing. Your partner can't help you with things? Pretty sure that's the first person who should be willing.
That being said it was specific for her answer and why she hasn't asked.
Helping someone isn't always as simple as 'here do this', 'here this is what I did,.
He has helped me. I mean, I believe by giving my chances is helping me. He mainly tells me that I have problems with self confidence and loneliness. In reality, I don't have friends to vent to and my family is very distant. I'm alone in my own head, I circle problems in my own head and they burst out without warning when I become overwhelmed. A lot of things are happening right now, and a lot of my focus is trying to maintain this relationship.
It's true. He can only do so much when I'm the one messing things up. The most he can do is give me chances and to get himself to a comfortable level but that's all he can really do and that's for himself. I am in the wrong and I need to fix the pattern of this relationship
There are topics 4chan isn't great at helping with, and this is one of them. But there are a lot of hotlines (staffed by professionals and trained volunteers instead of strange internet people) and similar services which exist to give people advice about abuse. Turns out they don't just advise the victim: you might want to look into http://www.thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/. (if that organisation doesn't suit you, or you're not American, you'll be able to find others by googling appropriate terms)
I feel immediate regret and guilt for hurting him. Saying goodbye this morning never hurt more. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and he's only trying to protect himself from more pain. I don't know how to get away from this pain throughout the day.
But he never has. After 15 years he still never has, and now I'm fuly domesticated. I service him regularly, have learned the culinary arts, and buy him Vidya to play for hours on end.
The catch is that he deserves it.
I don't care if the majority seem to not be focused. I am taking everything into consideration. Everything is a reminder for me to be better, to know that there are serious consequences and to really hate the person that I become.
Exactly... My boyfriend deserves the best. We had our past problems. He wasn't always faithful or respectful but in the past 5 months he's made the effort to grow up and get a job, move in together and set himself straight for himself to be better for me. I have to change for myself and for the person who deserves it the most- for him.
you are already realising it "in the act". that is very good!
you have to start noticing it as soon as you can.
eventualy, you'll be able to detect it, before you even get angry, at that time your problem is fixed.
you could ask him to help you 'detect' it. that would be the best advice I can think of.
Yes, I can ask him for that. I don't want to ask if you think that's too much to ask of someone. Thank you for the encouragement. Detecting things before they escalate is what I need to do and then I can solve the underlying problems without needing to involve him.
Can you name all the times when you lose control so to speak?
Such as him doing something or hanging out with someone.
Also, is it everytime that you behave that way or is it inconsistent?
It's terribly inconsistent.
I've had an ongoing problem with friends. In reality, I know I'm his priority but there are times when he forgets about me and I take it extremely to heart. I recently hurt my back so I've been struggling to keep up and walk. Anyway, we went to a party with a group of friends. As we are leaving, he runs towards the car and catches up with his friends, leaving me behind. Then one of our friend's girlfriend (I barely met her) just asks "where's so-and-so"? Then he stops and turns around and jokingly says "oh, I forgot" and I'm struggling to keep up without the help and everything. That's a small thing, it happens, but because I pretended it didn't bother me, I let it bother me. That was just the day before yesterday
But then yesterday, it was still bothering me and a small series of inconsiderate things make me feel sad. That's what I mean, I try to get out of my head, but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in thinking that things are the same and that he's inconsiderate like he was before. I automatically victimize myself, making myself sad and unleash a random argument which just seems random and out of no where to him, but it's all I could think about throughout the day. I lack the control to stay out of my own head and then lack the control to not explode.
>It's something he can help her with if he's willing. Your partner can't help you with things? Pretty sure that's the first person who should be willing.
you want the VICTIM OF ABUSE to be responsible for their ABUSER?
what the fuck? no. I would suggest that OP in fact needs to leave the living arrangement and be on her own until she can sort her shit out.
are you the girl I just broke up with?
I don't get your (or her) mentality, maybe you can help me figure out why my life is so utterly destroyed right now. She was abusive too, although not physically, and although I love her dearly and it's breaking my fucking heart not being with her, I couldn't live with it. I was hurting myself out of frustration, thinking suicidal thoughts (not that I would ever, but when you're in a relationship like that...)
I figured out one thing she would do is when she was in her "tense" state of mind, every little action was understood in the "he loves me/he doesn't love me" context - and what's worse, there was nothing I could ever do or say that would convince her how I felt. I mean every little decision, every little tweak of the voice - she'd conclude that it meant I secretly didn't love her.
Nothing I could do during those times would convince her otherwise. She became physically deaf somehow, too. She would *literally* not hear the things I said, and when she was in that state it was impossible to do anything at all that didn't enrage her. She would hear "I love you" as "I don't love you" and then go ballistic asking why I didn't love her.
>No, honey - I said I *DO* love you.
>Why did you say you didn't love me? How could you hurt me like that?
>I didn't say that! I said I *DO* love you!
She was incapable of communicating, of understanding anything in anything but the most negative light. She'd bring these hurts up again randomly, start fights. It was like being sucker punched out of the blue, thinking everything was fine and suddenly in a violent fight. It was emotionally impossible to live through.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Can you help me understand her?
OP I'm in the same position as you, except my boyfriend is usually the one who messes up, but then I act the same way you do.
It's like I have a kind of list in my head (I call it Pandora's box) of things he says and does that hurt me/aren't okay. But I bottle it all up and dwell and make the issues so much bigger than they actually are (usually).
Until one day the box randomly explodes and it all comes out. Then we're fighting about a dozen issues that have happened over the course of anywhere from a few days to a few months, intead of working through an issue that has just arisen and could be easily discussed and put on the road to being fixed.
It's shit and I hate it because then I end up being the bad guy (and dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, self hate, worthlessness etc) when most of the time it's not even my fault; it's just the way that I react to it that makes it worse. This post >>16724444 I can really relate to, among most of your posts.
I wish I could offer some advice but because I'm kind of in the same boat, I really have no idea.
The best I can offer is to keep your communication with him open and 100% honest. I also think seeing a psychologist and doing CBT therapy could be really beneficial to you. I've been doing CBT for years and it really does help and make a difference.