I know I'm going to get a lot of slack for this, but, I cheated on my guy, and I feel like shit.. He claims he still loves me, but I know I do not deserve it in the least bit.
It wasn't physical, but emotional, but what is what made things worse is that I lied to him about it. I lied to him saying that I wasn't cheating or didn't cheat and then one day I just felt so confident that I told him. After that, things have gone downhill for us both, mainly him.
How do I build said trust back?
Except for not continuing to violate his trust, the only thing for you to do is wait. Building trust is only something you can do for yourself.
More importantly though, why'd you cheat and why'd you go back to your bf instead? This may not be worth rescuing.
I have no idea how to do that, though. Apparently I'm a pathogenic liar and had no idea as no one.. really.. brought it to my attention. Which makes me question everything.
> why'd you cheat?
Because I'm a stupid fucking cunt.
I still haven't figured it out all the way except for that I was being pressured into doing it (come on he'll never know) and I didn't think to block this person when it could have been so easily done.
It was a 1 time thing. Quite honestly I was waiting for it to be over. I knew it was wrong and was too.. stupid to stop, block and leave. It was a cyber-thing. No camera, no voice, no pictures or phone calls.
My bf claims he still loves me, and that if it were anyone else it'd be over in a heartbeat, so that's why I feel so shitty. He'll say that he loves me, and then once we're off the phone I cry like a stupid, cheap whore.
maybe because you are one
even dogs are loyal
>I cheated on my guy
If your relationship was strong enough it wouldn't have happened. You did the right thing by being honest though. If you were a stupid, cheap whore you would have swallowed your guilt and moved on with your life and he would still think everything is fine.
This might be the end of your relationship though. I think you need to introspect for a bit to figure out how and why this happened so you can make the right decision going forward.
Thank you, this is true. Even if you say I am not, I still feel that way; it could be the guilt eating me alive though.. Who knows.
> this might be the end
I hope it's not.. But.. If it is/was - then .. well.. fuck me.
Lmao, funny that you mention it, because he did it to me too. But he didn't lie about it.
he had phone sex with a girl he met at an event, he told me about it where as it took me a while to tell him out of chickenshit fear and hope that it would go away. i did not cheat because he did it to me.. part of why i did it is still in the dark (see >>16721970)
but that does not justify what i had done by no means.
I don't think that'll fix anything, dear Anon. He's highly protective of me and vice versa. Though it doesn't make sense why we did what we did if we loved each other as much as we claim we do. Maybe we're both in denial.
People don't put themselves in a position to cheat unless there's something wrong with the relationship. I highly doubt these infidelities just happened. There must be some turmoil within your relationship.
Do you think counseling would help? Because I can only go by what he's told me.. That his phone sex was an addiction, and I have no idea if he's done it before with anyone else.
I don't want to put the blame on him though.
>Apparently I'm a pathogenic liar and had no idea as no one.. really.. brought it to my attention.
No, you're not. That's just a way for you to deflect your actions on to mental illness.
>I still haven't figured it out all the way except for that I was being pressured into doing it (come on he'll never know)
No one can pressure you into doing this. You liked the attention.
At least own up to your actions, instead of flip flopping.
>Though it doesn't make sense why we did what we did if we loved each other as much as we claim we do. Maybe we're both in denial.
Probably. I think you're both a little too immature for relationships, at this point in time. You both need to get your priorities in order.
Once trust is broken it's game over. The fact that you have cheated on him once means you will do it again. If you had respect for him you'd call it quits so that he can find someone that deserves to be with him. Also you need to sort yourself out if you constantly lie.
>That his phone sex was an addiction
That's a really cheap fucking excuse and way for him to easily place the blame on something out of his control.
>I don't want to put the blame on him though.
For what you did, you can't. But when it comes to him and his phone sex "addictions," you certainly should. If he's actually serious, he has no business being in a relationship until he gets himself some fucking help.
Thank you for being honest, Anon. I'm not going to flip the fuck out and call you names because you're telling the truth. I need to hear the truth, as much as it hurts.
How did you know I had a mental illness?
You don't. He is either a beta or a cuck, for his own sake break up with him and never get another bf.
You have essentially ruined another human's trust, he may not be able to trust girls every again and become a paranoid obsessed freak. gg, cheaters are scum.
>How did you know I had a mental illness?
I didn't say you were mentally ill, only that you're excusing a few shitty actions as mental illness. Unless you've been this way your entire life, over everything, you're just making excuses to comfort yourself. It's the same thing your boyfriend is doing when it claims that his cheating is sexual addiction. It's all bullshit.
Time. Time is what it takes. Most everything can be forgiven.
But I will say, it will not be the same. You will know what you did, and you will come to terms with it, but you will feel that your relationship is tarnished and it is your fault.
But humans are not monogamous creatures by nature. Marriage is a religious construct. It is up to you. Also, if you did it once, you will most likely desire to do it again. Whatever drove you to do it in the first place, if unresolved, will eat at you. It is a cycle.
It is up to you to stay. But do what is in your best interest, and ignore these people that automatically say you're an evil person for cheating. Disliking cheaters is a meme around here. The world isn't black and white. Stay true to yourself and try to find your little piece of happiness.
Yeah, it's probably best to seek some counseling. But unlike what people here are telling you, it's worth staying together because you're learning how to deal with issues in a relationship, which you really can only learn through experience. There's definitely a possibility you can both learn from this and move forward together.
I do, actually. We both have the same illness so it's a jolly good fuckin' time. Ty for your input, Anon.
This made me cry.. Not sure if it's a good or bad cry, but.. Thank you.
I don't want to leave him, and he doesn't want to leave me, he still tells me that he loves me even if we fight. I want the help, even if the counselor has to chew my ass out to make me understand.
>I do, actually.
Were you officially diagnosed or is this "I'm exhibiting symptoms, so I must have this!" kind of shit? You can't self-diagnose yourself. This, again, is just you and your boyfriend trying to deflect your issues on to something out of your control, so that you can stay blameless.
You talk to him.
Honestly, the "trust" as in "I will never suspect she's cheating on me," will NEVER really be there, but the forgiveness and love for you might. It depends on him.
The worst part of the cheating for a guy is the emasculation. It's a very old and primal instinct for men to respond that way to sexual competition, and your girlfriend "mating" with someone else is basically your biology saying that you've lost that competition and punishing you with intense anguish and feelings of impotence.
If you want to salvage that shit, you gotta make him feel really fucking manly.
No Sir/Ma'am. I'm far from trying to stay blame-less; if it comes off that way it is not my intention what so ever. I want to take the blame for this because this was a shit move on my part.
Went to a Therapist who, at the time (13-14), could not pinpoint what I had I was all over the place mentally. At 20 I was diagnosed Bipolar.. At 24 I was diagnosed Schizoaffective. I'm 31 now.
I think THIS anon hit the nail on the head..
> you liked the attention
actually anon, you already figured it out halfway at least.
>I still haven't figured it out all the way except for that I was being pressured into doing it (come on he'll never know) and I didn't think to block this person when it could have been so easily done.
cheating is rarely the outcome of a single moment's decision.
its the accumulation of several bad decisions resulting in a conclusion.
"this girl just through herself at me.... after we went to her hotel room.... after all her friends and our friend had broken off....after we started having drinks together.... without my girlfriend...after i turned my phone off because we got into a fight over something...
>He could be cheating too, what does he do with his time?
Ahh this one is a classic. Remember my ex tried to use this against me when she was the one slutting it up with 3 different guys at the same time.
He'll never forget you being a total slut and dirty worthless whore and will eventually at one point come back to it and pin you down on that one.
So you better break up and tell him that he deserves somebody that values him more and is not a total stupid cunt.
Just an hero OP.
But if it's an addiction, it is a moment's decision. Hence why we abruptly left what caused our temptation.. At least I hope he did. I'll be mighty pissed if I did and he didn't. But since I do not have the proof otherwise, I'll have to take his word.
I know he won't, but I was able to let go and forgive him for his fuckups; not saying that he should just because I did, because I know everyone handles things differently..
> an hero
What stops me? If I do not succeed I do not want to be locked up for months.. But he would be able to find someone else.