My fiancée refuses to change her name.
We are, as of yet, actually breaking off the wedding because of this. I will not marry a woman who won't take my name. She says she needs to feel comfortable married for a while first and would consider changing it at a later date.
What do you think?
When did I say I threw a bitchfit?
I told her that I'm sorry, but I can't see myself marrying a woman who won't take my last name. Marriage is a leap of faith, and I know it can be scary, but it's beautiful and that's the way I see it.
No bitch fit.
I wouldn't either.
This is devastating me because I love this woman very much. But I can't see myself doing it, as I said here.
She said "I'm going to sleep. Let me know if you change your mind."
good move op, this is a pretty serious red flag desu. dont budge, cos if you do now she will walk all over you forever, but ofc if you didnt contest this in the first place she would have also. so you did the right thing, and if she isnt happy with it then she fuck off and you can get a good woman in
just hold out dude
Honestly, it sounds like neither of you is ready for this. On your side, this is frankly a ridiculous thing to break off a wedding about.
On her side, I've got no problem with women who are categorically opposed to changing their names. But GIVEN THAT she is not, she shouldn't be marrying someone that she isn't already comfortable changing her name for. That kind of comfort, IF it is to be a factor at all, needs to be established before you take the vows, not "a while" after.
So yeah. Call off the wedding. Not necessarily the whole relationship, but you both have some soul-searching to do.
You gotta have your priorities right.
If my fiance said she didnt want kids but shed think about it I wouldnt marry her. Dont go into a marriage hoping something is going to change if its a deal breaker.
She may have a very strong attachment to her name and family ties (I dunno, you'll know this more than Anons on 4chan will). Consider it if the positions were reversed; would you consider changing to her name? Would you flat out refuse, or would you be wary of that change, especially if you feel pride in your family/surname?
Maybe compromise? Hyphenate it, or both of you change your name to something different so it's neutral ground.
The world won't end if you don't have the same surname for the first while, but it won't end if you don't marry each other either.
Every couple is different. I didn't change my name right away, mostly because it's a giant pain in the ass to do so. My husband didn't care. I married HIM, not his name.
Some couples feel like having the same last name creates a sense of solidarity...others don't. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, though.
>totally refusing all compromise
>she's doing (presumably since you don't give any info on that) the same
Neither of you are ready for marriage, call it off and re-evaluate.
>I want to be the head of a family, a family which shares my name and for which I take care of.
While there is nothing inherently wrong with this mindset, are you the 'boss' in your relationship? If you expect her to be submissive to you because you're married or anything, you should let her know beforehand if she doesn't already.
tl;dr if you wanna be the boss, marry a girl that'll let you be the boss.
>Maybe compromise? Hyphenate it
Don't hyphenate. Never hyphenate. Paperwork becomes an utter nightmare. Change, or not, or do the both-people-change thing, but hyphenation is worst option. All of the drawbacks of all of the other options, with none of the advantages.
While I can see your point, only you can decide if your beliefs are worth alienating the person you apparently love or not. Hence why neither of you are ready for this, so call it off and decide what you want to do like grown-ups instead of bandying about words like "shameful".
Don't mind the folks shitting on you for your values, honestly don't marry this won't work out it sounds like a train wreck.
There are plenty of women willing to take your last name.
Just tell her straight up this is a deal breaker and you are no longer interested bam problem solved.
Shameful for you, maybe she thinks like that too. If you don't want her name, why should she take yours. Don't be a hypocrite. She shouldn't marry you, you doesn't exactly sound like a guy you want to be in a relationship with.
How is this in any way related to values? OP is just throwing a hissy fit. If something like this is making him rage, he would be angry about every little thing that ever happens. Hell, maybe that is the case and OP really is a mean person who will ragefit about anything. Pity the fool who will marry him. She will be miserable and abused.
Have a serious talk with her about why this is so important to you. However, her "needing to feel comfortable married first" is a HUGE red flag. You should already be completely comfortable with someone before you marry them, not after. That just ends in heartache and a messy divorce which will undoubtably happen.
Do you have more to lose than her in a divorce? Is she marrying you for the wrong reasons? Why doesn't she feel comfy with you now? These are all serious questions you both need to talk about. Entering into a marriage unsure of something so benign as a last name is terrifying. What about when kids come up? Or god forbid you have to move for a better job?
i would say that's some what reasonable. But if this is your only reason and you made it to the fiancee stage and assuming this isn't bait. You're actually mentally retarded. You're actually a chicken that ate a potato and then formed autism in your chicken head. you fucking nigger.
I never understood why, in this day and age, surnames are such a big deal. They're mostly meaningless and do nothing but differentiate us. I realize they used to carry great meaning, but now? No one really cares. But this is coming from a woman who doesn't care if she marries or not.
However, I get that this is important to you. You should outline all the reasons why it's important to you. Then, when you're in a calm and steady state, sit down with your girl and calmly discuss this. Don't get heated, don't get emotional, just tell her why you want her to take your last name, and tell her you're not willing to marry someone who's uncomfortable with it.
Until she's comfortable, I would hold off. But, I would also find out why she's uncomfortable about it and see if you can't do anything to help. Maybe she just doesn't want to go wait in line and fill out paperwork, who knows.
I wouldn't change or hyphenate my name but if you're so controlling to not let her make a decision on something that affects her life a lot more than it will affect York then you are in no way ready for marriage
And you weren't aware of this before you got engaged...?
If you're not trolling, personally, I wouldn't care. I changed my last name because there are some traditions I'd like to old onto; taking my husband's last name is one of them. Plus, my maiden name was terrible and I had no attachment to it.
If a woman wants to take her husband's last name, awesome. If she wants to keep her maiden name, that's cool too. I don't judge someone one way or the other. Taking someone's last name is a personal choice. However, it is definitely a HUGE pain in the ass to do so. Like it takes several months to completely take care of switching everything over.
The red flag here to me is that she says she wants to be "comfortable in the marriage" before she considers changing her name. To me that means she doesn't want to go through the hassle of changing her name in case she changes her mind after you guys get married... which to me just isn't an option, so her reason to me isn't a valid one. When you're married, you're married. That's it. You need to betray your spouse pretty terribly before even considering divorce, and it upsets me how lightly people take marriage now.
While her reason isn't a good one, you still sound like a child for refusing to marry someone because they won't take your last name. I don't understand how surname adoption is a "value."
Do you realize how fucking selfist is what you're saying?? If it's a leap of faith, why won't you take her last name?
In my country, women keep their last names, holy fuck.
Btw i'm not a grill
I didn't change my name and my husband is fine with it. I know the majority of women still change their names, but most of my friends either kept their names or have hyphenated ones if their names were both short.
That being said, her reasoning sounds hinky. She's gonna change it later? She has to see if the marriage is going to work out first before changing her name? Almost sounds like she has serious doubts about whether it's going to work. Accepting the cold facts of the divorce rate is just common sense, you wouldn't pretend that's not a thing - but you should still always go into the marriage with the attitude that it's going to work and that there's nothing the two of you can't overcome if you work at it. (It's still no guarantee you'll stay together, but it significantly ups your chances.)
In any case it doesn't sound like she has that kind of attitude, and I would call off the wedding on that basis. The name change...man I get that people still care about this, and I can see the convenience of it, but I guess I just can't relate to people making a big deal about it. Changing your name is a hassle, and if you have a name for yourself in any profession, it's a career setback if people can no longer search for you under the name they already know.
How about this: If you do still get married, mutually agree to change your last name to something different from either of your names, something meaningful to both of you. Then change your former last names to a second middle name, or drop either your former last name or your original middle name or whatever seems best.
But if you do go ahead with the wedding, you best get some serious pre-marriage counseling first - you should have gone there instead of to 4chan anyway, actually.
I think there is something sexy about a guy who would change is name to mine and like... Clean the house and take care of our kids while I bring home the dough. My girl friends say they could never be with a man like that because "it's not sexy" and I don't consider my self to be a feminazi so I should probably just move to Sweden where that scenario isn't obsurd
WTF, if she's getting married and still isnt comfortable then she shouldn't get married.
Seriously, its not the fact that she doesn't want to take the name it's cause she is showing massive amounts of hesitation.
I would agree, if he cant take on being the burden head then he cant complain.
>in my house both of my parents work and make about the same money.
Theres far more to supporting a family than work. Do your parents completely disregard gender roles. Because if so then it doesnt matter.
Yet generally in marriage make less.
You are too attached to your pathetic traditional way of thinking to adapt to the situation at hand. You deserve to be left behind by others because you are not a breadwinner or even an equal partner. You are entitled and weak.
Adaptation is the secret to maintaining relationships over long periods of time. You lack those skills, so people are naturally annoyed or disappointed. You also lacked the skills to deal with the situation swiftly and decisively for the benefit of the group ie yourself and your partner.
That can swing both ways, though.
Isn't she being stupid for deciding to keep her maiden name after marriage, and then (possibly) change it? If it's silly for one to care, it's silly for the other to care as well.
What I don't like is that she's playing that bluff game of saying something might happen later. So that she can't be accused of refusing to change her name because she hasn't refused, but she also hasn't agreed and so she safely holds her position by not firmly taking a position. She's basically baiting him into being the bad guy like a selfish brat.
I am kinda in the same train of thought, I have a very strong attachment to my name.
If it's strong enough an attachment that'd you consider the opinion of retards here then sort it.
I think it's super gross when women change their names but also that you'd be well within your rights to never marry her for that. If you want a subservient wife and she won't even take your damn name you're unlikely to ever be happy.
When the fuck did Tumblr invade /adv/?