Long story short, my (female) friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship and she doesn't realize it.
He's groomed her to be COMPLETELY co-dependent with him. She requires his validation for everything, and she didn't used to be like this. She's CONSTANTLY messaging him and cries for hours when he leaves after a break back to college. She skype calls with him frequently while were hanging out, and secludes herself before she does it- I'm fairly certain that's at his request.
In addition to this, he's an incredibly jealous, beat as fuck little man who feels threatened by literally every other male in the room.
I didn't know some of this until today, but apparently he's controlling her long-distance through texting etc. I was looking over her shoulder and read a text from him about how he wasn't "sure if he could forgive her" for coming over to my house after an event we both went to. I've known this girl for FOUR YEARS, way longer than he has. I read this text in the car on the way to my house, and sure enough, she sent herself packing because her mother supposedly wanted her back because she's been gone for so long, which is horseshit. She often cries while talking to him recently, and blames it on a cat allergy.
I feel like I'm losing my friend, and I don't know what to do. I want to kill this guy because he's a fucking awful person, but she's COMPLETELY codependent at this point, and his leash on her grows shorter every time she "messes up", which can be as simple as what happened today. What can I do?
Let your oneitis go, bro.
You can't make her do, or realize, anything. She has to reach this conclusion by herself.
Acting on this will only guarantee she cuts you out of her life now.
That's not what this is. I'm not into her, I actually have a gf. I'm just worried about her, and our friendship, because that 'all males are a threat' thing is making him tell her to spend less and less time with her friends.
The only reason I said that was to find out if you have romantic feelings toward this girl; assuming you would focus on that comment, and ignore my advice, which is that you can do nothing. Well, this is awkward...
Be there for her, when she is ready. You literally cannot do anything.
What did you think was going to happen?
Write her an email or a long message explaining how you feel.
Explain how long you have been friends and all the stuff you did together. This reminds her how important you are as a friend to her. It prepares her to deal with what you are about to say.
Tell her that you always felt she has value as a person and she has a lot to offer a romantic partner in her life. Then lead into how you feel she is losing herself. Tell her you have known her long enough to know when she is being real, and when she is happy. Tell her that you know she is not happy and hasn't been for a while. Tell her you know that she suspects this true as well.
Followup by reaffirming to her that you are going to be there for her as a friend if she wants you to be. Say that you are concerned for her happiness.
Do the two of you have a mutual female friend? Or, are you on good terms with one of her relatives, like a parent or sibling? Maybe she might be more likely to listen to them than accuse you of being jealous or whatever.
You know nothing about their relationship
If she's happy with him let her be happy. She's your friend, ask her how her relationship goes and go from there. Do you know how I hate it when friends manipulate their friends into believing stuff that isn't true and causes relationships to fall apart?
Also 4 years is nothing. Don't be a cunt.
>Do the two of you have a mutual female friend?
>You know nothing about their relationship
Yes I do. Even a blind person could see this happening.
>If she's happy with him let her be happy.
She's not happy. She cries ALL THE TIME while talking to him. She's breaking down because she needs him in order to exist. He said he loved her only four weeks in and calls her 4+ times a day (while trying to control where she can and can't go), he's definitely manipulating her.
Hell, she asked him if she was allowed to stay at my house, when I've known her for longer than he has.
>. Do you know how I hate it when friends manipulate their friends into believing stuff that isn't true and causes relationships to fall apart?
>4 years is nothing
4 years is quite a lot at this age, most people lose many/most of their friends when they go to college because of distance.
Then maybe all of you should arrange to meet her for a chat. Lay all the cards on the table, tell her how much you all love her and care about her, kind of like that hypothetical letter that other anon suggested you write. And then just try your best to show her what you see, and then see how she responds.
Don't pressure her into dumping him; no one likes being told what to do, and it'd make her stay with him just to spite you all. Just say that you're concerned, but that you will all still be there to support her no matter what she decides to do.
Then it'll be up to her. I don't promise she'll do what you'd like, OP, but at that point at least you all could say you tried and did the best you could as her friends.
How about you mind your own? Seriously. I understand you think you're looking out for your friend and don't want to lose her, but maybe this is genuinely what she wants. Maybe she wants to be controlled, and wants to focus all of her attention on him. There is literally nothing wrong with that. Stop trying to shit on her happiness.
>Maybe she wants to be emotionally abused
You guys are kidding me, right? That's manipulation, this shit happens to women all the time and the only time they actually enjoy it is one in a billion or in porn.
Regardless, if she's going to act like that then we aren't willing to be friends with her, but we all love her and have known her forever so we don't want that to happen.
>That's manipulation, this shit happens to women all the time and the only time they actually enjoy it is one in a billion or in porn.
BDSM in relationships is hardly unheard of. But there's a reason it involves aftercare among other things.
>no physical abuse, no actual evidence he's abusive other than being somewhat clingy
>she likes being with him so much she cries whenever he leaves
>he said he loved her pretty fast and nothing indicates otherwise
>girl likes him so much she'd rather talk to him on Skype rather than hang out with you guys if given the chance
>OP is "fairly certain" it's at his request, which means literally nothing
>OP is willing to try and break her up from a person that she likes so much she prefers nothing to spending time with him
Yeah, he sounds like a HORRIBLE person.
I think you're just jealous of someone stealing your friend and you're a cunt. I've lost friends because they got involved in relationships before. Doesn't mean they were in an abusive relationship, doesn't mean they were manipulated into doing something. I didn't go all obsessive about their partners and tried to break them up. Some of them are happily married and never really hung out with them again, others ended up breaking up and coming back as friends again.
People have the option to spend their lives how they feel like it, stop being a whiny cunt.
No, I see OP saying he believes he does that and I did say the most that can be said is he's at the very least a bit clingy.
All else is shit OP made up and only his side of the story.
Maybe she's equally or more clingy with her bf than she is with him and that's just the way their relationship goes. Maybe she enjoys feeling needed. There's a thousand things it could be other than manipulation.
OP and his group of friends just seem mad she prefers him over them.
I'm not fairly certain it was at his request, I KNOW it was at his request because directly beforehand I saw him saying how he wasn't sure if he could forgive her for going somewhere she didn't tell him.
I never understood how a woman can get groomed into a position of helplessness like this.
I've been with my woman for over 10 years and I cant even get her to give me an hj every once in a while. How that some men can have such controlling power of the emotions of a girl really makes me wonder what I did wrong
You need to stand up for yourself and make it clear that a relationship is a two way street. If my girl wouldn't be willing to do something for me that I like a lot (like a hj) then I'd have to seriously talk to her about our future, and I'd expect her to take her desires to me to be fulfilled as well.