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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice

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Okay, I know I'm currently posting on a mongolian pubic hair weaving forum, but this place is my home so I though I could ask you for advice.

I don't enjoy communication at all.
I mean, I have 2-3 very good friends whom I speak to on an almost daily basis, but aside from them, people bore me. I'm socially autistic so I spent a lot of time reading social engineering stuff, and it's not a problem for me to befriend somebody.

>so what is the problem?
Well, because most of the time I feel fucking lonely. I crave social interaction, yet I don't enjoy it. I always feel like I'm not really talking to people as in having a communication between two human beings, but actually just being polite and entertaining them long enough until they like me.

I feel like I'm just controlling a puppet that is my body when I talk to people... Like:
>hey a stranger entered the gym dressing room, let's greet him
>smile and say "hey man sup?"
>he replies with "hey not much" and a slight smile
>okay I've let him know that I'm open to friendly communication, that's a good job
>standing in a trambus
>hey its the guy I worked with last summer
>okay now smile and greet him and ask him questions about himself
>"hey man, what'up? How you doing man? you still working on X?"
>he talks a bit about himself
>"yeah that sounds cool, its way better than the last place you were in..."
>he keeps talking
>"sounds fun. so what you planning to do after Y?"
>he keeps talking about his plans until he reaches his station
>he says goodbye and leaves
>nice work anon

I don't really feel that I'm talking to anyone. I'm simply entertaining them. I crave the real talk, you know, in which you just relax and talk for half an hour and you enjoy it... It's become a mental activity for me, it drains my energy.

I need to change this. I'm feeling too fucking lonely. Any tips?
You have to actually want to be interested in them. Make yourself care. When they feel you care, they'll reciprocate and you can move beyond small talk bullshit.

When you're with people, focus completely on them and make the conversation about them. Make note of everything about them. Their facial expression, their posture, the wrinkles that appear when they smile. When you're conversing, they and everything about them is the center of your universe now.

Most people make the mistake of waiting for a chance to talk about themselves or what they do. Take the backseat here and actually get interested in what they say. By letting them open up and engaging, they'll feel more comfortable and do the same.
You're having real talk, you're just terrified and trying to be in complete control of every aspect of the situation, and it's preventing you from feeling the connection that is developing.

Let it go and relax. Understand that you aren't in control. When we take it easy, don't struggle, and let go of control and micro-managing of every situation that happens to us, life is much easier, less wearisome, and far more enjoyable. Friendships won't feel like a chore, fear of uncontrollable situations like socializing will lessen, and you'll be able to handle shit that used to bring you to fucking tears.

unfortunately good things come with hard work. you dont quite realize this now becuase all your close friends are already in that 'close' bubble but there came a time where you had to make it work and weed through other people. it was a little easier when you were in a system like school that forced you to interact iwth large groups of people. you were able to single out someone you had a connection with.

a little harder now but not impossible. the best way to do it is to connect with people who have similar interests. this stops your hangouts from being awkward or generic. people who share my interests or are at least passionate about their own connect well with me.

i met a guy at a bar the other day and asked what he did for a living, you know the generic conversation shit. and he told me he does giant fucking lego statues for legoland. turns out he was REALLY into legos growing up, like autistically obsessed so much that it lead to a very big career for him.

personally i never liked legos, but i appreciate the level of obsession. i got into filmmaking at a young age and my entire life revolves around it now. so a lot of people simply cannot connect with me. they find my obsession autistic, even those who do indulge in filmmaking.

but this guy gets it and i get him, so we hit it off real easy. these are the kind of people that have the weird tattoos and like the odd niche stuff, stuff you might not have heard of but are of interest when you do because its pretty fucking neat.

that being said, you might not be really passionate about anything or odd enough for this sort of thing, so lets operate under the assumption that you need someone with similar interests?

>write down your interests, even if you consider them to be stupid indoor activities that people only do alone
>then google those with 'clubs' and 'groups' in your area. even nerds go down to comic and game shops once every week or two for tournaments and other such events.

if you cant find any on google (bullshit, but lets pretend) then go to meetup.com

its a great site with millions of users. i managed to help a guy from mother fuckin israel find local groups he could attend based on his interests. do the same. even if its a bit generic, just go. its not just for geeks either whatever your interest you WILL find people in your area who are the same way.

you can increase your chances by going to craigslist and clicking on 'discussion' and looking at all the local niches that people talk about there, often with invites to in person meetings.

when you meet these people just enjoy the activities with them ,weed out the normies, and then eventually you will become close.


make an effort to spend more time with them. host the weekly hang out at your place and then invite each one over seperately or together on different nights in the week. try and start a time consuming project of mutual interest with them so you have excuses to hang out even more regularly (love sci fi movies? write a scifi radioplay and do all the recording together!)

now that we got the friend stuff out of the way, no matter what you do you WILL have down time when you are alone. there are two ways for coping with this

>focus on creative projects that have an endgoal.

anything that finishes is fulfilling. projects tend to have a finish. so isntead of coming home and doodling, in which case you'll get bored, choose instead to make a limited run comic. doesnt matter if you suck at writing or drawing. make an alias, go to deviant art, and be autistic. who cares? just make a project for an idea you like, anything from painting your house to making a movie, and just do it. this fills up your time and keeps your brain working instead of just trying to force entertainment into it.

>savor the moment

learn to savor the little moments, and the little moments become fun. there is nothing wrong iwth being alone.

take out your phone and set a calendar alert for two times a day. when the alert goes of twice a day for the next week, you stop and think about something that is 'ncie' right now. is it a nice meal? a nice day? nice weather? nice show? comfy couch? stop, and verbally acknowledge how nice it is. you'd be surprised to find out how much actually purposely appreciating something makes you realize just how great it is.

the more you do this on purpose, the more it starts to happen on its own. it becomes second nature to simply enjoy life becuase of these little details you used to take for granted.
I know that. I've read How To Win Friends and Influence People.

It's just that it tires me out to hear about other people so much. It became a mechanical action.
Not OP. Pretty impressed with the quality of advice so far. Carry on.
What do you enjoy talking about then?
When you figure that out, find people who like that thing and talk with them about that thing.
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Fuck, I'm saving this for future reference. You got some serious insight into this stuff.
I don't enjoy talking about anything...

I used to love talking about music, philosophy, art, movies, conspiracy theories, religion, psychology - but I don't really care about talking now. Communication with people always falls in the same repetitive pattern, people don't really say anything new or interesting, we're all stuck in a circle of several different opinions on stuff and we try to convince the other person that we're right.

I haven't had a pleasurable conversation for ages now...

>saving for future reference

if ur interestedi n the savor the moment aspect please just do it now. open up your phone and just make two events a day at random times. i cant stress this enough. its better to do it now than later.

seriously has changed my entire life. i went from that guy who was up til 4 am on /b/ in feels threads whining about why everything sucks to that guy who walks home from work looking up at the clouds and thinking about how fucking happy i am.

its crazy how much psychology goes into making your life happy.
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This piece of crab shit doesn't even have a programmable calender...

really? thats a bummer. can it receive emails? if it can set up your email to get calendar notifications emailed to you (our gmail does) so that your phone buzzes each time it gets an email, including a clendar update.
Nah, doesn't have internet access at all.

I guess I could make an alarm every morning after I wake up (since it can have only one alarm set at the time). That should do it. What are the perfect times for that?
12:00 and 18:00? I'll try that.

there are no perfect times. thats the thing about it is you kinda want it to be as random as possible. if you wanna narrow it down by the hour try going on google and using random number generators and such.

the point is to find a random moment in time, almost unexpected where you stop and just enjoy whatever it is that is happening
>I mean, I have 2-3 very good friends whom I speak to on an almost daily basis
A) Which is it? 2 or 3 friends? You should really know this one
B) You're disqualified from feeling lonely, you have close friends that you talk to everyday, don't go around collecting fair-weather friends like this is facebook.
>You're disqualified from feeling lonely,

Bullshit. If OP feels lonely then for some reason he is lonely, friends or not. Denying your own feelings is bad, but denying feelings of other people is a whole new level of being an asshole.

OP, I can empathize with you. I feel lonely, but my emotions don't move me towards interacting with people, so almost every time I do it, it's forced and fake. I don't get the same pleasure from talking that other people seem to get. It's like starving, but not being hungry.
Excuse me, I didn't realize that loneliness was a fucking competitive sport.

I guess I'll just switch off my lonelyswitch since I'm disqualified.
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