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so this girl I made friends with a long time...
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so this girl I made friends with a long time ago during a trip just notified me that she was gonna be in town soon and wanted to hang. we never slept together or anything and as far as I know she still has a bf and it's just a friendly meet-up

problem is my gf is batshit jealous and will either flip her shit or get really quiet and passive-aggressive about it and she'll probably transfer her anxiety over it into some other avenue later on. She's done this with all my female friends, HER female friends, random acquaintances and strangers.

Frankly I don't even want to say anything back to this other girl and just ignore the whole thing, but that's rude isn't it? Should I come up with some excuse?
>>
Does she have male friends?
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>>16684470
yeah. What are you implying? Should I pretend to flip my shit like a hypocritical asshole (when truth is I'm not jealous & couldn't give less of a shit)?

nah. It wouldn't work anyways, you know how women are. She'd just turn it around and use it as a justification for the idea that I'm trying to scapegoat her because I'm "feeling guilty" for secretly cheating on her or some shit
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>>16684478
No, she just has trust issues / is really insecure. She might be cheating on you, and putting her anxiety on you to deal with the guilt.

Dunno how to deal with those kinds of people, go out with the girl, and find someone you can be relaxed with
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>>16684478
i am not >>16684470 but i wantet to ask the same thing. Usualy gfs who flip over you hanging out with other girls are the type that would end up with someone else if they had a propper chance
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>>16684478
She's the kind of immature girl, that you'd need to give your fb password to, let her look thru the phone and not accept passive sex offers.
After a while she'd proly accept it
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>>16684480
>>16684487
she's not cheating/looking for an out. She's goo-goo in love with me by all indications, I've thought about that but there's nothing to suggest she's anything but deeply, DEEPLY insecure.

>>16684489
>After a while she'd proly accept it

I wish. I'd say it's neverending, but on the other hand at this point I've got real bad anxiety about it and anticipate her having a bad reaction to everything (like with this current situation), even silly shit like random strangers coming up and asking for directions. My anticipation = act awkward = she picks up on it = she gets nervous like there's something actually going on

its super unhealthy tbqh. I dunno what to do about it.
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>>16684496
Trade passwords, don't delete history, give her the phone. And don't get female friends. It's tense, but you have to ease it slowly
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>>16684467
Never had sex, implying that you would / have with someone else. Your gf might be paranoid for a reason.
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>>16684496
So was mine gf, i had the best 2 years with her... but than her real self got to the surface, or she changed....

I'm not saying that she is cheating right now. Also, does she come from a house where love is scarse or where there are problems?
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>>16684507
Well, right - that's exactly how she justifies being jealous. I've slept with other women before, but I've never cheated on her (or any of my other girlfriends). I'm reasonably attractive so women are sometimes interested in me. This girl is a nice person but she's pretty meh so even if I was single I don't know that I'd be particularly interested. And there's no indication to me that she's contacting me for any other reason than she's in town and has never been here before.

since she can't actually tell who is interested in me (and who I find attractive) in her darker moments it seems like she assumes it's everyone/everyone. I guess I need to stop interactions with all women altogether.


>>16684518
yeah, she was abused as a child, although she claims that her jealousy is from being cheated on in a past relationship (immediately prior)

do you mean your gf was not jealous for two years and changed into someone jealous, or vice versa?
>>
Well you could do two things...
1 is asking your friend if the meetup could be a double date. If so, sit your gf down, don't be nervous, and tell her youd like her to join you guys. Tell her you'd like her to be relaxed and comfort whatever anxiety she has. If she gets angry, remain calm and comforting.

Or 2, you could avoid this friend and walk on eggshells with your gf for the rest of your relationship.

2 is definitely not healthy. The other anons talking about her having male friends, it's not about jealousy with you-it's about being fair. She obviously controls the relationship and she knows it. If she can talk/hang with guys then you should be doing the same with girls. If she gets mad then so be it. All youre doing is reenforcing bad, controlling, manipulative behaviour.
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>>16684539
i did not meant it like that. While she was displaying jelousy she was nice and caring about me. When she stopped being jelous, she got cold and this went on for a time period which ended up with her being an ex now.

I found out, after 4 such rships, that girls that were exposed do violence or just lack of love as a child are unlikely to be able to love and show empathy at the lvl of people who had a normal upbringign in a caring family.
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>>16684564
It's not about that, it's about her being insecure.
And you're doing shit to fuck it up. Is there really a reason to hang with other girls. You just completely ignored advice from like 2 /3 people before. You clearly want to bang other chicks.
go kill yourself
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>>16684549
regarding #1: I'm too nervous about it at this point because doing this has gone wrong too many times before. Even if it went totally fine, it sounds like a totally miserable, stressful time to me. But my gf's just as likely to concoct some story out of one little bit of the interaction during that "double date" which really means I was trying to sleep with the girl/whatever, and she has in the past hung on to an idea like that and it will fester and come out later on in an explosive fight... or two, or three, months down the line. We're still occasionally fighting about a (former) friend that I hooked up with a single time prior to ever meeting my gf and whom I had maintained a friendship with, where I attempted solution #1.

as for #2, I realize that it's unhealthy. We've talked about how it's unfair. She doesn't *intend* to be jealous and knows it's a problem, maybe she's good about it for awhile but it always comes out again. I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place here, I feel like. I can't ever prove that I'm trustworthy, and so I'm constantly doing the time for a crime I've never committed.

>>16684572
oh, I see what you mean. I think you're conflating "being interested" and "being jealous" though; obviously a jealous-type girl who isn't interested in you has nothing to be jealous over. You're reading too much into it.

>>16684572
speaking of reading too much into it, that wasn't even me (OP)
>>
oops, meant
>oh, I see what you mean. I think you're conflating "being interested" and "being jealous" though; obviously a jealous-type girl who isn't interested in you has nothing to be jealous over. You're reading too much into it.

for you:
>>16684564


still laughing at the rage frog guy though. let me guess, you're the jealous type too?
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>>16684572
oh poor troll.
She had and urge to bang her uni proffesor, but never did. However, she kept talking about it while i was with her, when we were watching series etc. I realised that our rship was going downhill and i wanted to talk to her about that, which she refused.
After her being cold for 2 months i just ended it.
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>>16684588
No, never was. I do not get teh point of jealousy. If you are being nice to her and have respect for her and for yourself, why should you be jealous

Also laughing at the rage frog.
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>>16684588
here is >>16684564 again....
She was more like evil jealous, to the point of almost hitting a girl just because she was looking at me
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>>16684572
>>16684597
>>16684589
>>16684588
>>16684584

I find it hilarious that people without jealousy issues want to have female friends and can't empathize with those that are insecure. Proly would have a backup and is on the lookout for interesting chicks.
While at the same time jealous types can't comprehend why they're too clingy and make the other person do exactly just that.
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>>16684615
Nor why either would take any steps to resolve the issue
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>>16684572
>Is there really a reason to hang with other girls.

for the record (this is OP again), we're not even talking about "hanging" with other girls. Yes, early on in the relationship I tried to maintain a platonic friendship with an ex... obviously a no-go, but I thought it was a reasonable fear so I ended the friendship.

But since then, she's gotten upset over the following:
>my female friends I've never slept with and have no interest in
>one of my best friends' wife
>her own friends, including an accusation that I was playing footsie with her bff right in front of her
>a female business client that called late with an emergency
>the owner of a dog that my dog likes to play with at the dog park
>a random girl in a swimsuit at the lake that I never interacted with
>a stranger that came to the apartment while I was away looking for the former resident

that's just off the top of my head. But no, yeah - CLEARLY I just want to bang all of these chicks.

>>16684615
I do understand her. I get what it's like to be insecure. I've been extraordinarily patient with her, this has been going on for two years now and I've tried to help her through her problems. You say I need to "take steps" to resolve it? Name the steps you think I should be taking then, because I've probably already tried them.
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>>16684637

How about >>16684489
>>16684504
>>16684549

You keep talking about girls you have no interest with. So that means you do have interest in some, otherwise you wouldn't mention it? Unless it's because you think she doesn't want you to hang out with those you're interested with, again, wrong conclusion on your part. She doesn't know who you're interested in nor what your tastes are like... That's what insecurity is about. You have to open up slowly, and start with really basic shit.
Also, you might have to show some interest in her again, it's proly why she's doing that, because you're passing your looks on other woman out there.
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>>16684665
Again, >>16684489
>>16684504
>>16684549

Which of these have you tried exactly? How long did you keep it up?
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>>16684637

Dude, just break up with this girl. Best option out of all of those available. You want a queen, not a ball and chain.
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>>16684678
It's the discrepancy between insecure and secure people. Neither will get each other i guess. In the same way i guess you consider it normal that you might have backups while being in a relationship. And why being interested in other people of opposite sex while in a relationship is "not morally wrong".
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>>16684665
Wtf is this BS advice?
I gave mine gf my fb password, she had accses to my phone when she wanted and i locked all od my F friends out.

Then she started being jealous over any female that liked anything on my fb, or any female that looked at me.

And for the sake of context, here is an example. Me and my gf were sitting in a cafe, in a corner. She was sitting close to me and i was clearly stating that we are in a rship (hands around her, ocasional kiss etc), then 2 girls sat down across the room.... my gfs words and actions as it follows
>why is she looking at you
who?
>that girl over there, she has been looking at you since she sat down
I dont know and i dont know her, ffs she looks like she is 12 (me and gf were 20 at the time)
>why is she doing it
I dont know, or care. I came her to enjoy time with you, so can we gat back to that
>This fixed the things for about 10 minutes
>She is still looking at you
Seriously? (i was not paying atention to that girl) Ok, then - i porceed to kiss my gf, this worked for 15 minutes
>I swear if she looks one more time i will kick her
I decide i do not want the things to escalate (gf tried allready this once, i had to grab her hand and to hug her so she would not go and punch the girl) so i said that we should go back to her place......
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>>16684669
all of them, and pretty consistently. She won't look at my FB or phone really AFAIK, but she's had access to it, my entire computer, etc, for an entire weekend alone, she knows my passwords (though she pretends to keep forgetting them). I no longer have female friends. I don't go to the dog park. I don't look at my phone or text anyone anymore.

>>16684665
>>16684687
Well, first, I don't really see where you're getting that I said I was interested in other people, since ctrl+F only shows basically "women interested in me" and "I'm not interested in this other girl", but let's talk about it.

It depends on what exactly you mean by interest. Do I want to go out and fuck anyone behind her back? Absolutely not. Am I "keeping backups"? Not at all. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but I'm attractive enough that I can go out and land a girl anytime I want. Heck, I asked my gf out at her work after interacting with her twice for like five minutes and she's intimidatingly gorgeous.

OTOH, am I attracted to attractive people still? Of course. My eyes didn't stop working when I started dating her. If you understood me to be implying that I was interested in other people from any of my posts, this is the maximum possible interpretation. Is that really a problem though? I'm not doing anything (and in fact feel like I am bending way over backwards, eliminating friendships, altering behavior, in order to cater to her insecurities)
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>>16684724
what'd you do about the relationship? My gf is never that direct or aggressive. I almost always hear about it days or weeks after the fact, not at the time.
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>>16684687

It's just better that way. And lol morals.

"Morality is subjective."
"All is fair in love and war."
"I'm just a man."
"YOLO"
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>>16684726

>OTOH, am I attracted to attractive people still? Of course. My eyes didn't stop working when I started dating her. If you understood me to be implying that I was interested in other people from any of my posts, this is the maximum possible interpretation. Is that really a problem though? I'm not doing anything (and in fact feel like I am bending way over backwards, eliminating friendships, altering behavior, in order to cater to her insecurities)

This, you didn't commit. Also you're not clear on the password / phone thing. Is it crystal clear that you have your password written out to her, and that she can look it up any time, or are you just unsure about it yourself.
Is it that hard not to put extra energy into your gf instead? She seems to put quite a heavy deal/weight ono the relationship thing, maybe that's the problem.
Yeah, i guess there's a limit tho, she should be ok with your best friends girls but okay..
Some people are just broke. My only advice is that you lose interest in other females, and only focus on male friends and her. You don't lose much imho, and slowly start opening her up with going on drinks (together) with a friend and her gf, while focusing on making your gf feel like she's the only one you care about..
Idk op, it looks like you're not fully commited, and some people are broken so idk, dump her?
>tfw can't really help
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>>16684733
I used to talk to her a lot about this problem, stating that i could not give a single fuck about other gals and that she was the only girl that had my interest, which was all true.
She acused be of being flrty while talking to any girly IRL even tho it would be a simple, 2 sentence small talk, so i dropped even that....
But it was all pointless as i had to break up with her after almost 2 years...

The only solution, if you desire to stay with that gf, is to help her feel more secure about herself, and i mean in a healthy way. Motivate her to pursue her interests, to socialize etc.
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>>16684724

That's just insufferable. I mean, I couldn't take that for more than 20 minutes.
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>>16684734
Better for you, you unemphatic cunt
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>>16684724
How bout you stop doing shit, and won't get shit upon. If you can't comprehend it then read >>16684615
Top kek
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>>16684749
>
The only solution, if you desire to stay with that gf, is to help her feel more secure about herself, and i mean in a healthy way. Motivate her to pursue her interests, to socialize etc.
This ^
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>>16684748
>>16684749
yeah, to be honest I'm really exhausted from the relationship. I probably sound like I'm not putting energy into the relationship, but I've put so so much into it over the past two years, and it's cost me a lot in other areas of my life

>password
I wrote it out awhile ago, I don't know where it is now but she's definitely had it. Is that another responsibility I need to take for her?

>>16684799
>>16684749
>The only solution, if you desire to stay with that gf, is to help her feel more secure about herself, and i mean in a healthy way. Motivate her to pursue her interests, to socialize etc.

I do. I have been. She's got plenty of interests and a social life and friends and etc and there's no real reason I can see that she should be so irrationally insecure. I mean, I don't want to say she's like this 100% constantly, but it has been a consistent problem.

Should I be okay with her being fine for a month and then an emotional wreck for a month? Is that just the price I have to pay to be in the relationship?

Is it going to be healthy for me to be paying that price the rest of my life?

....sigh
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>>16684793
Never had a back up, nor will have. Broke up with that girl 3 months ago and i am still single. Why is it not possible to look at females (from a male pov) as something else, and not just a V,
I am not going to explain myself to a person not cabable of finding a girlfriend....
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>>16684782

Haha okay. Let me know when you find the "one". Chances will be that I already banged her.
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>>16684814
Im >>16684749 and other posts before.
If a relationship gets to a point where it is a pain more then it is a pleasure, no matter what you do, and this period is longer than a couple of weeks, then it is not a functional relationship.

>Should I be okay with her being fine for a month and then an emotional wreck for a month? Is that just the price I have to pay to be in the relationship?

No it is not, it is the price of staying in THAT relationship.

>Is it going to be healthy for me to be paying that price the rest of my life?

No it will not, unless you desire to be broken down. I was a huge beta with my gf, but after seing the effects that her behaviou had on me, i broke up, even tho i loved her at that time.
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>>16684815
Was in a relationship for 3 years, be happy, stop being a miserable non commited fag

>>16684829
And me ;) That's why i hate sluts, hate you and all the normies. I'm just like you now and fuck any boobs i see jiggling

>>16684833
Life sucks, jealous people can't understand why normalfags won't tell them how they feel and stop looking arround. Normalfags won't get why they can't look around anymore, while not caring if their so does the same. The level of commitment here is a perfect 5/7
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>my gf
Who should be invited to come along if you're hanging out with a girl.
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>>16684871
>Was in a relationship for 3 years, be happy, stop being a miserable non commited fag

>>16684815 Here...
where did i say i was not commited?
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>>16684882
wat?
You should invite your girlfriend, do you have a reason to hang alone with some other female?
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>>16684886
This mindset is just BS, if you are a childhood friend you should just cut all contact? Because that other female is a human being and not just a thing with a va**na between her legs?
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>>16684895
Nice excuse to fall in love with someone else and fuck them
Gj faget
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>>16684886
>wat?
>You should invite your girlfriend
Which is what that post says. The wording just threw you off.

>>16684895
>va**na
Please don't feed this troll guys.
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>>16684724

from here >>16684884
Yeah, being available hurts.
Guess you'll never understand the phantom pain.
Some people are just more emotional. And it hurts to see you giving attention to someone else. But w/e continue to do shit, and then expect not to be shit upon.
>Inb4 cheating is a norm in the society
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>>16684901
You never had a nice relationship where you were satisfied with everything and did not need to look at females like "targets" ?

Never have i fallen in love with someone while allready in a relationship. If im in one, im going to work for it, and if i am not, well i can do what i want then
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>>16684913
I was, it was her who i didn't understand, nor do i understand you people here.
Don't get it why it's so hard to give up looking around and attracted to other girls. You're giving them a chance, and that's how cheating happens. Idk, i guess i'm just too retarded to think it's morally wrong that you shouldn't fall in love with somebody else while in a relationship.

>Never have i fallen in love with someone while allready in a relationship. If im in one, im going to work for it, and if i am not, well i can do what i want then

Yeah, but eventually you'd get tired and move on to a hotter one... gl gl
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>>16685097
>interacting in the slightest sense with other people = the path to cheating

by that logic, you're trying to have sex with me. Would you please stop hitting on me, you sex-crazed demon? Man, some people ARE sick. Fuck off.
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>>16685097
>>16684909
>>16684909
>Don't get it why it's so hard to give up looking around and attracted to other girls. You're giving them a chance, and that's how cheating happens.

How does it feel to know that the difference between someone looking around and cheating on you while in a relationship, and someone simply dumping you and THEN finding another girlfriend is literally nothing?

If you're a shitty partner, it doesn't really matter how they dump you, does it?

>being jealous = lowers your value, thus increasing the likelihood that you get rejected
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>>16684467
OP are you me? I'm in the EXACT same spot, same situation, same thoughts. Just a quick automatic glance at another girl, only to appreciate female beauty, with no motives other than that, is thought of as cheating (crying and tantrums even several months after the episode), cannot interact with any member of the opposite sex not belonging to my family no matter what, constant suspicion and paranoia etc.
Apparently there is a cheating continuum that goes from just looking at someone some extra seconds and full blown sex outside the relationship.

I feel your pain, OP, I really do. If you wanna discuss these matters further in private let me know.
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>>16685429
>discuss these matters in private

may as well be plotting to having cam sex with some internet chick in her mind, no thanks

update though; I told her about the existence of this girl (what am I going to do? hide it? that'll just make it worse later) and her interest in meeting up with me and she was fine with it, but no way in hell do I trust that

which really is the worst part; even if she's okay with it in this moment now, I assume there's going to be a problem down the line because there have been so many times before. And as soon as I let my defenses fall she flips her shit on me again. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it feels like there's no way out of this labyrinth.
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>>16685476
Why not go together..
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>>16685478
last time I tried that approach we had a big fight over what happened (which was basically that my female friend snubbed her, and that for XYZ imagined reason is secretly in love with me) and she brought it up again a month or two later in another big fight, and then again, and again, etc. I cut contact with my friend (can't prove she's not in love with me secretly!) but there have been sobbing, hysterical fights even so

so basically, seems like it's just as bad
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>>16685495
uh idk. Either break off, or make it work somehow, find someone who can accept that you might get into some girls panties someday
gl
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>>16685476
> may as well be plotting to having cam sex with some internet chick in her mind, no thanks

Right I should have thought of that :(

> update though; I told her about the existence of this girl (what am I going to do? hide it? that'll just make it worse later) and her interest in meeting up with me and she was fine with it, but no way in hell do I trust that

In my experience it's a classic "test" and more importantly a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. Your analysis is correct

She cannot realize that her behavior gives way to self-fulfilling prophecy situations and cannot empathize with your predicament

She thinks she wants to know everything you do and think but doesn't understand that some things are better left unknown

Hence, since you've already told her about your friend, I think the lesser evil is to make some excuse to your friend as to why you can't go see her and say to your gf that you've reconsidered and that you won't see your friend because you know that would make her uncomfortable.
Obviously this could backfire in many ways (for example your gf might think you don't trust yourself around that female friend, even if she is present and you have the best intentions)

Of course making this kind of compromises wears you out in the long run, as you grow ambivalent towards your gf, harboring more or less evident and/or conscious feelings of resentment and frustration for not being able to appease her regardless of your efforts

Maybe i'm projecting...

It's really a tough spot to be in, you have all my sympathy
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>>16685495
Bringing up shit months (even a year later) and hysterical fights...same here
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>>16685536
>Right I should have thought of that :(

you haven't delved into the mind of the paranoid jealous insecure. It's pretty frightening, honestly. It's amazing the contortions the human brain can devise to justify feeling something, even when reality doesn't match it at all.

Hell look at that angry frog guy in this thread, he was acting the same way.

> it's a classic "test"

I disagree. I think it's some sort of personality/bipolar mental condition. She's in a good place right now and she can process the emotional information correctly. Later on, when she's stressed or worried or >triggered, she'll flip her shit about it because she's careening down the wrong mental pathways.

>this could backfire

When you're going down the wrong mental pathway, everything can be twisted and contorted into whatever shape you want. I deleted this girl's number when I got my new phone, so she's not in my phone. But I'll bet you if for whatever reason my gf looks at our text history she's going to question whether or not I deleted shit from before. Fuck my life.

>resentment

it's real hard not to, yeah. Women from prior relationships have always complimented me on my emotional sense and placidity, so that's helped. But it's pretty brutal on me. Especially when she accuses me of not being patient. Like, the fuck I'm not??

How are you handling it though?
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>>16685568

> you haven't delved into the mind of the paranoid jealous insecure

Well, she would freak out if she knew I'm "talking to random people on the internet again" so I should have predicted that.

> I disagree. I think it's some sort of personality/bipolar mental condition.

When I said it's a "test" I didn't want to imply that it's done in a deliberate manner or with malice, but I think that many things are de facto tests even if they're not consciously conceived as such. I agree about the mood-dependent tantrum throwing and twisted thinking. When trust issues are that deep a trigger that any sane person would overlook turns into something bigger and bigger with a snowball effect. There is certainly some kind of psychological problem but I can't put a label on that yet. The similarities with my situation are quite striking tho,

If she's like my gf she's taking some things for granted from a moral standpoint and reasoning in absolute terms about your ethic code in relation to hers, which is to say that if she thinks she would behave in a specific way when put in your shoes then you are automatically bound to behave like that as well.

She wants to control you through guilt, hence the bringing up shit from the past so that she is always the victim and you always the uncaring asshole who neglects her and makes her feel like shit.

> How are you handling it though?

I wish I knew. My therapist said that with a person who wants so much undivided attention and caring the only way to act is to treat her like a child and be the adult in the relationship, with all that this role entails (which is to say that if you know some things are not morally wrong you are "authorized" to keep them from her). I haven't yet found a way to implement effectively that advice, because as you know even small lies can butterfly effect into a huge trust issues mess.

It's fucked up
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>>16685630
when I saw that you were in therapy I was going to ask if it was helping, but jesus - that's some fucking TERRIBLE advice.

If it's really an (emotionally) adult-child relationship then how can you really expect to have a future with this person? How can he make that diagnosis anyways?

....change therapists imo. Have you tried relationship therapy? Or *her* getting a therapist?
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>>16685647
I thought that too when I first heard it but I also reckoned it might be said in a provocatory manner.
The basic concept is that you should not abdicate to your frame (world view) in favor of hers and that if you are convinced something is not harmful of wrong you shouldn't feel compelled to justify or excuse yourself to her. An adult doesn't tell to a child every thing he does or ask for permission or advice.
I agree that this should not be the case in a mature and fulfilling relationship, but still I think some times you just have to be "the rock", appear confident and secure, make her buy into your frame and let her lean on you. It's the hardest path but the alternative is the slippery slope of becoming hostage of her paranoia and lack of self esteem and trust.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, it's just my interpretation of that controversial advice, which I'll explore further with my therapist, which I deem competent and has helped me a great deal with other issues in my life. So I might have misunderstood or lost something vital to change the status quo.

Some books have helped me and you might find them useful:
> Models by Mark Manson
> No more Mr. Nice Guy by R. Glover
> The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi
> The Truth by Neil Strauss

Also this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201205/high-conflict-people-drive-disputes-home-school-work
>>
>>16684467

Your situation sounds exactly like my last relationship OP.

My ex was the type of girl who would throw a crying fit because I glanced behind us in the line at the store and accidentally looked at another woman.

I'm sorry to say it, but you need to break up with her. This kind of profound paranoia doesn't ever go away, and nothing you can do will ever change it. All it will do is cause you stress and pain to the point where you will actually desire cheating on her, so you can at least live out all these sexual transgressions that she already acts like you're guilty of. It will ruin every aspect of the relationship, every moment will be tainted with the worry that at any given moment for any reason, everything could fall apart. It's not sustainable, OP.

Do it before you start taking her delusions to heart, before you start cutting off friends and hating yourself for aspects of your personality that are actually great. Sadly there is no antidote for some toxins.

I don't expect you to listen to me, but remember what I've said and take it as a life lesson when your relationship inevitably fails. You sound like a really good person, and I'm sure you'll one day find a girl who can see that.
>>
>>16685677
no, no - that makes much more sense. It's good advice, I've already come to that conclusion, but it's hard to implement in practice (mostly because it's emotionally taxing having to constantly battle over the nature of reality.

>>16685691
I hear you bro. I know it, too, but it's a sad thing to contemplate and she deserves the effort. I just don't know what my maximum effort is, if I've already peaked it, or if I can even get back to that normal place with her even if she fixes things.
>>
I'm >>16685677
>>16685691
This is basically what I'm afraid to be the truth, that it's only a matter of time before it all comes stumbling down.

Compromising too much on too many things and losing hobbies and friends fucks with who you are and you come to hate yourself for trading autenticity for security.
>>
>>16685704
> it's hard to implement in practice (mostly because it's emotionally taxing having to constantly battle over the nature of reality.

> it's a sad thing to contemplate and she deserves the effort. I just don't know what my maximum effort is, if I've already peaked it, or if I can even get back to that normal place with her even if she fixes things.

I feel you, based OP, i feel you...
>>
>>16685715
>security.

like I have any security? I don't trust her with anything anymore, I realized recently. She applies her irrational jealousy tactics to anything she gets defensive about, which is a lot more than just fear of cheating.

I don't share my feelings with her, I don't talk about interests with her or give opinions on anything. I don't trust where her reaction is going to go, I don't feel comfortable sharing with her. There's a giant wall up now, I used to drop it when she was in her good phases, but I just can't bring myself to let it down now. There's no security. There's no anything. It makes me feel like the bad guy, but I can't take getting sucker punched with some random blowup for the nth time.

sigh.
>>
>>16685704
>>16685715

I knew it was time when she started demanding that I stop talking to one of my best friends, a girl who is truly a sister to me. I had already cut off another female friend who I wasn't as close with, and it made me feel like shit. Cutting off the sister figure in my life would truly mean I had gone past the point of no return. And for what? For a girl who said she loved me, but saw only bad things in me?

You guys deserve better than this.

I know that the hardest thing is that all this paranoia and jealousy is because your girls were abused in the past. My ex's delusions and irrational fears came mostly from a previous boyfriend who beat her and cheated on her. And I wanted to save her so bad. To make her normal again, make her realize that good men like me exist. But I couldn't, and you can't either. The fact that she is still exhibiting these behaviors means that she hasn't yet fully come to terms with it, and that isn't something you will be able to bring about in her.

You're only one person, and you deserve someone who is in a place where they can return all the love you show them. Breaking up with her doesn't mean you don't love her, but it does mean you're ready to love yourself and accept the kind of love you truly deserve.

Best of luck to you.
>>
>>16685763
I meant security as status quo, since as bad and chaotic and dysfunctional as it might is it's still an ongoing relationship and it might go on indefinetly.

> She applies her irrational jealousy tactics to anything she gets defensive about, which is a lot more than just fear of cheating.

What do you mean?

> I don't share my feelings with her, I don't talk about interests with her or give opinions on anything. I don't trust where her reaction is going to go, I don't feel comfortable sharing with her. There's a giant wall up now, I used to drop it when she was in her good phases, but I just can't bring myself to let it down now. There's no security. There's no anything. It makes me feel like the bad guy, but I can't take getting sucker punched with some random blowup for the nth time.

I totally get this. I try to minimize the triggers myself avoiding certain words or topics if I know that she will associate that to some of my past "mistakes" and bring those up for the hundredth time, and I certainly don't feel spontaneous around her like I was in the first few months before and after getting together. It's like she has molded me into something I'm not supposed to be and I'm just pretending to be "better" than I am because I feel I owe her that. I've come to keep my feelings to myself too, and the whining. My opinions about hot topics like gender roles, dating and stuff like that are bound to cause a bad reaction, and eventually I pretend to agree with her just to make the fight stop, but i've come to believe that while this works in the short term it leads to coherence problems in the long term.
I don't think the "wall" is a bad thing per se, sometimes a man's feelings are just better kept to himself. It all started going down when I exposed my weaknesses and flaws and vices to her, thinking that she was different from the other girls and that she would have understood.

I know it's like being in quicksand, op. I feel all your feels :(
>>
>>16685763

I meant security as status quo, since as bad and chaotic and dysfunctional as it might is it's still an ongoing relationship and it might go on indefinetly.

> She applies her irrational jealousy tactics to anything she gets defensive about, which is a lot more than just fear of cheating.

What do you mean?

> I don't share my feelings with her, I don't talk about interests with her or give opinions on anything. I don't trust where her reaction is going to go, I don't feel comfortable sharing with her. There's a giant wall up now, I used to drop it when she was in her good phases, but I just can't bring myself to let it down now. There's no security. There's no anything. It makes me feel like the bad guy, but I can't take getting sucker punched with some random blowup for the nth time.

I totally get this. I try to minimize the triggers myself avoiding certain words or topics if I know that she will associate that to some of my past "mistakes" and bring those up for the hundredth time, and I certainly don't feel spontaneous around her like I was in the first few months before and after getting together. It's like she has molded me into something I'm not supposed to be and I'm just pretending to be "better" than I am because I feel I owe her that. I've come to keep my feelings to myself too, and the whining. My opinions about hot topics like gender roles, dating and stuff like that are bound to cause a bad reaction, and eventually I pretend to agree with her just to make the fight stop, but i've come to believe that while this works in the short term it leads to coherence problems in the long term.
I don't think the "wall" is a bad thing per se, sometimes a man's feelings are just better kept to himself. It all started going down when I exposed my weaknesses and flaws and vices to her, thinking that she was different from the other girls and that she would have understood.

I know it's like being in quicksand, op. I feel all your feels :(
>>
>>16685779
Not Op, I'm the other guy.

Cutting off and losing people is truly a sad thing to experience, especially if it's a sacrifice done for the benefit of another person. It shouldn't happen.

I want to thank you so much for this beautiful post, anon.

And I hope you find the love you deserve and all the luck you need.
>>
>>16685779
I agree with you. IMO, the only person who can help someone who's been through abuse is a therapist. They are trained to do this, they have enough emotional distance to see things clearly, and honestly therapy would do her a lot more good than a boyfriend that she may not be ready for.

OP and other guy, never sacrifice your wellbeing for someone. I did that with my ex, and it only made me resent him when I felt like he still didn't "appreciate" what I've done for him. And once I got into that mindset, the relationship kept spiraling down further.

If you truly love this girl, it's best to end it now, while you still feel some affection for her as a human being and haven't become bitter yet. End with a smile, not with tears.
>>
feh
>>
Bumpity bump
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