Maybe some of you will be able to help me here. My gf and I moved in with my best friend last November so it hasn't been that long but we already have some issues and I am not quite sure how to approach this...
I wouldn't call myself a clean freak, but I do clean up after myself. I find that a well kept house gives me energy and good vibes yada yada.
Except, my room mate doesn't feel this way at all.
They cannot cook, cannot clean, cannot look after themselves. When I say "cannot" I don't mean they are disabled, just sheer laziness (sometimes they'll joke about not staying hydrated or that "dusting isn't a thing"). Of course I laugh it off and tell them they should get on that shit but how do I REALLY get it into their skull?
Also, directly asking doesn't even work because I've tried asking about cleaning their cats' litter for the past week aaaand it still hasn't been done even though they said they would do it each time I've asked. Sigh I could go on about all the small things that have been building up but mostly what's been building up is my "guilt" for feeling anger at this person.
We're all in our twenties and I shouldn't have to deal with this shit. Advice?
You can't force people to change. You have no leverage. This person does not care about cleanliness, they have no reason to live with you. Ultimately, if you can't live like this, you have to stop living with this person.
Who is on the lease agreement? I had a similar problem in a share house. Keep being on their case, i got to a point where i said "if i keep find people dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher i'm just going to put them in front of your door, it is no one else responsibility to cleanup after you". Surprise people clean up now. Provide some sort of fair punishment shaming in a way that isn't bullying and doesn't make your "friend" feel like he is being ganged up on and he will learn.
I guess I just expected some respect or at least the following reasoning "oh shit my two room mates are extra clean I should step it up a bit". I was naive.
Also yes this situation is temporary.
Yeah, that's what made me mad. We literally have a machine that does the dishes and 2-3 of the 6 tenants use to leave their shit in the sink/on the bench. Luckily I'm mate with the landlord and told me to just leave it outside their room. I did everyone the courtesy of letting them know i would before hand.
Shaming is good, chance are your room mate is just lazy/never used to clean after themselves.I used to be the same, you can learn.
say that you want to make a chore list or something. Take turns dividing up the duties, and set some time aside every week where you both just spend like 30 min cleaning together.
A lot of times people like this were not raised to clean up after themselves, and may not "know how" to do things like washing dishes or cleaning toilets.
By offering to clean alongside them so that they can ask you any questions, they're more likely to be considerate about the space in the future
You've never had to do it before because you've never lived with them before, but you have to play grownup. Yes, playing grownup sucks, but you literally just have to tell them that they have to clean their shit up, without making it sound like a joke.
You will have to hold their hand at first but this is the best way to resolve the situation. Doing passive aggressive things like leaving notes or humiliation will just make your roommate bitter and they'll find other passive aggressive ways to "get back at you".
It's always best to be upfront and to try to solve the problem clearly and patiently
As someone who used to be a cunt like this you don't realize until you move in with someone messier. I have since apologized numerous times to my old room mate and I promise I will never be this messy again. My room is my room, but I will never ever be that messy in the common areas.
My advice, don't clean anything and wait for them to realize.
His house his rules, you gotta big enough problem with it that your not going to be able to live there without complaining about it? Then move out.
He's letting you stay there, he doesn't have to, so you do it on his terms.
Living with other people requires you to clean up common areas and shared utensils/dishes/etc. That's how it works in any adult shared environment. If he can't do that he shouldn't have offered to house his friends. Regardless of whether he owns the place, or just rents it and is letting his friend live there, it's common courtesy to keep the place tidy. Plus doing dishes take absolutely no time, even if you do it by hand. How do you even justify this behaviour.
>all this bitching about cleanliness
As long as no one is eating food that is toxic and no one is tripping and falling then it's clean enough.
And he's not living with them, they're living with him.
He owns the place, whether he rents it to them or gives it to them for free he is the owner and master of the place and they will abide by his standards or fuck off.
If the situation bugs them that much then they can either clean it up themselves or leave.
Basically they aren't in a position to be demanding anything,
Don't force personal preferences on people. If you need someone to do something for you the reasoning should be solid for it to be justifiable. For example if they leave all their dishes in the sink, you're in the right to tell them to clean up because you can't clean you own if the sink is full.
Forcing people to do shit for stupid reasons makes you an asshole unless you own the place. And no, 'because it makes you uncomfortable' is not a good enough reason, if one at all.
In terms of this issue with the kitty litter; do you know anything about cat ownership? Does the shit have a strong smell or is a real biohazard to your health, where everyone will get sick from it soon if it isn't cleaned up? If so then you might have a real argument on your hands, and if you bring up these points your roommate might actually take your nagging seriously. You're dealing with an adult here. Even if your parents raised you on 'because I said so parenting', this doesn't give you the excuse to control people based on your personal whims.
>All this buttmad over basic cleanliness
Woo boy, I'm glad i don't live with you people. Guess the stuff you read about piss bottles and waffle stomping isn't as far from reality for some sad people.
Define basic cleanliness and why it is necessary to force it on other people please. IMO it is one thing to protect against disease and ensure basic presentability for guests and so on, it is another to make other peoples' lives misreble for the dumbest fucking shit for no reason at all. It is great that cleaning makes you feel good or whatever but if you want to get along well with other people you need to realize that people have freedom of choice and this should be respected unless they are doing real harm to you or your reputation.
I personally believe in keeping shared spaces clean and doing my part to keep a place presentable. However I've met a few people who have used cleanliness as an excuse to be abusive to others, and am just trying to make the distinction between asshole and responsible person.
You're obviously someone who copes a lot of criticism for being messy if you're doing this much mental gymnastic of something like being clean.
Basic cleanliness (imo) is cleaning up anything you use (and returning it to where it belongs) and keeping common areas clean. That's it. Most people I've met and lived with consider this basic cleanliness. Keeping a house clean takes a matter of minutes if you keep on top of it and is by no means is something that needs to be "miserable". The few people who can't manage this very simple task always have the biggest chips on their shoulder and carry on that they're being victimised "over nothing" when prompted to clean. However, they are the ones make mess that others have to fucking clean up after them because normal people don't like living in mess and stink.