Is there a way to fix my trust issues with men without therapy?
Most close male encounters, starting from my father, have left me feeling completely worthless and although I crave a male partner I feel like I can't keep opening up and getting hurt. Granted it's opened only twice on a major scale but it really fucked me up further. Because I'm so shy and reclusive, the guys I get involved with are usually the outgoing pushy type, i.e. don't care about other people's feelings much.
Is there a way to make it better? Just suck it up and fake it until I find someone who cares about me or should I just resort to professional help?
Professional help is a scam. If you don't want to be distrustful of men, find men you can trust and build connections with them. Join an activity like a book club or robotics club and get to know the guys there as people.
>find men you can trust
Yes but how? The reason why I got screwed over last time was because I thought it was just my paranoia talking and he's really a good guy when I had doubts. I feel like I can't trust my judgement.
You've got to roll with it, you've got to take your time.
Your choices I suppose are either just go about your life with your fingers crosses or go out and get an "Nice Guy" who are impeccably nice so long as you do all the work in setting up the relationship.
Joining an activity is a great idea.
Do you have a possibility to move somewhere else? Change your environment and get out more.
And stand up for yourself, you only think it's hard until you do.
Yeah I'm planning to move soon and start being more social. I also like traveling to train myself to be more social.
I guess I have to just put my foot down and get away as soon as I feel like it's not right. But the bigger problem is that I feel like I might never be enough for a man. I know it's not possible since people who are "uglier" than me inside and out have functional relationships. It's just that my terrible one with my father set me up to believe I don't deserve it.
after enough interaction, you learn to spot genuinely trustworthy vs just faking it to get at dat ass. trust me, im in the same boat as you except im a dude that doesnt trust women. my parents are awesome, but most of the grills ive been in relationships with have turned out to be pretty awful. im just saying fuck it for now and focusing on my work. many people say you dont find a decent partner until you stop looking anyway.
Don't think you're "broken" or whatever, a relationship between a daughter and her father is important. My sister certainly always craved it, she's now dating a bloke 10+ years older than her.
And so did my mother for that matter...so don't think you're weird or anything. Just take your time and get involved into some small time stuff, test the waters so to speak. You will get dicked about, I won't lie to you but at the end of the day that's life but you'll find the one someday.
You're right, experience is the key but I don't know how many more times I can go through this. It leaves me feeling absolutely depressed and hopeless.
I had given up before my previous relationship but then we met and it was the most loved and accepted I had ever felt, until it ended. I wonder if I could ever have a real relationships at this point. I might just expect to be abandoned again and drive a decent guy away.
I don't really think I have that kind of daddy issues but sometimes I do feel broken.
I won't pretend I know you, but sometimes, a man gets used. He takes a woman to bed, and when all is said and done, he holds her close all night. The next morning, they kiss goodbye.
She says she'll see him around. Then she acts like nothing happened.
The man becomes callused. He learns having his heart open only invites pain. He loses his warmth, becomes more cold.
The cycle drives itself; people turn to using others because they've been hurt by others who've felt that pain.
Don't become like us, but understand where we're coming from and avoid us entirely. There are still plenty of good people, but you *need* to let them in. Don't let them become like us.
Well then you're just suffering the same anxieties everyone, men and women, suffer with every relationship.
As I said, it will eventually work out for everyone if they keep trying. "You have to be in it, to win it" people where I grew up like to say.
It's one thing if a person I cold and has trouble opening up. Being purposefully dishonest and leading someone on is another. A lot of people just don't give a fuck.
Yeah I guess so. But I think I would benefit from talking to a professional too.
I'm not sure what a professional can tell you, go by all means! But honestly, there's nothing they can say that will mean no man will ever try to take advantage of you, it's just in some people's nature (again men and women are equally guilty) to take advantage of others.
I don't know what they can say but it can't hurt right? I mean I feel like I won't come out of this sane. The reason why it hurts me so much is because I have such low self-esteem when it comes to male judgement. Girls get left and cheated on every day and they are mostly fine after talking to someone who loves them and a tub of ice cream. I get borderline suicidal and that's not normal. There must be a way to help people build a healthy self-image.
There is, it's understanding that what makes you worth it, is yourself
Put it this way
If a bank robber robs a bank but in his haste he leaves some money behind. Should that money feel like their worth less? Should the money that was stolen feel like they deserved to be stolen? Of course not, the criminal was just desperate to grab what he could.
Users are much the same as a criminal, they're opportunists and have no consideration for anything but themselves.
So if you get used or get ignored, you just have to know it isn't a reflection on you. Nothing can prepare you for learning you've been used, or how to know when you've been used. Sadly that's something only one can truly learn through experience, too many times have people been told "they're no good for you!" and people ignore it when they really should have listened. So what ever happens, know you're no worse off than anyone else.
The thing is that I'm pretty confident in myself otherwise. I'm aware that I'm objectively attractive and a good person but somehow when it comes to the opposite sex, I feel like for some unexplained reason I can never be enough no matter what I do. Like something inside me is unattractive in the long run. Only experience can fix that but each bad experience leaves me feeling worse and like my fears have been confirmed. I don't even know if it makes sense.
No it makes perfect sense, you're just waiting for the good times. They're few and far between.....trust me.
Definitely go get professional help, but know you're not at fault in this.