My wife has been less and less into sex. She has gone down on me 5 times in the last 6 months. This time period includes our honeymoon, and my birthday, veterans day (army vet) and Christmas.
She works full time so I understand sometimes but--recently she feels like she is doing enough to be like "we can have sex honey--can you finish in like 10 minutes? Its late and I need to sleep" Shit like this.
It takes away the enjoyment--I try to get her to enjoy it. But she doesn't like foreplay at all, she just wants me to stick it in and do my thing and be finished. Then she acts like she is a good wife by just laying there once or twice a week.
You should talk to her about it. Who knows what could be going on... a lot of women (myself included) don't really care for sex. It's a chore, and I put on an act all the time (I don't fake orgasms though so it's been like 6 months going and he's aware he hasn't made me cum.)
She might be cheating. Is she "staying late" at work a lot? Hiding her phone?
Maybe she's depressed (thiskillsthelibido.jpg)
really? girl with no sex drive here.
Seriously it's gotten to the point where I'd consider dating a girl if she's got no sex drive.... even though I don't think I'm bi... but most men just want sex. Sucks man
Talk to your wife.
Honestly she's probably not into it the sex and hasn't been but is instead putting on an act for you.
What you probably need is more communication about what she wants in the bedroom. She probably only keeps having sex with you because she wants to make you happy.
This. OP here. My wife has some issue with anxiety I think. She has finally agreed to get help, but I am full time grad student and she is working full time shit job. I am glad she has finally stepped up and said she will seek help. But she is very flakey and may just back out/complain about money.
She certainly isn't cheating on me. She is too clingy and has no friends hardly--that is improving though. She doesn't stay late.
We normally use a toy to get her off, because I aint super man and she won't let me do anything fun like oral or petting. But most of the time in the past two months she has just been like "eh don't worry about it just get off then get off."
But how do I go about asking her/telling her? I mean i have bought it up before and then she gets more depressed. I can't realistically expect someone to WANT to do something. But damn that is what I want. what do?
Hey Anon, I've been through similar periods with my wife.
Her being weak on your honeymoon is odd. But other than that it can be tough.
Question, did you guys used to bang like bunnies? I bet you did.
I realized that the reason my wife and I weren't having the sex like we used to was because I wasn't acting like I used to. When my wife and I were dating I was a WAY different guy. I tried much, much harder.
As time goes on you stop that. You stop trying to impress her, you stop flirting, you just... get into your routine.
And that's why the sex stops. You aren't in pursuit of it anymore. You want to have sex still, yeah, but think about it. If right now you wife was replaced with *insert your Instagram Model Crush Here* coming over for a night, how different would you act?
Women want to be pursued. And its tough, but you've most likely fallen into that rut. Try acting like its the first time you guys are hanging out again. Remember how hard you were trying to get laid? How high of a standard you were holding yourself to?
OP here: we had sex before we were married not our first go around. She was kinky then (not too crazy or anything) but would at least give head more regularly. She won't even do handjobs--even when Aunt flo comes to visit. We used to have a lot of sex but once we got married it has actually decreased.
Read this book
Also, it could be worse. I was in a relationship where she was like your wife towards the end, and that was the only time since the beginning that we had sex more than once per month.
In her defense she got sea sick--we went on a cruise it was terrible. But she didn't even think to "make up for it" not like I didn't spend an ass ton for it or anything....oh wait.
I have recently tried to do more chores around the house in order to "get some thanks" but that doesn't do anything. I always initiate in the day because she never wants to hardly late at night. But she rejects my attempts most of the time or says--we can tonight--then doesn't deliver. Or reverts to OP problem of "oh okay just be quick"
"Hey, I've noticed that you don't really seem interested in the sex. Is there something wrong? Is there something I can do to make the experience more pleasurable and exciting for you?" Women tend to dismiss our own concerns as unimportant so we may not bring it up ourselves.
Talk to her instead of just guessing what her motives are.
you must be boring her my man you probably don't change anything up and so it starts to feel like a chore after a while.
if you watch a funny TV show 1-3 times it's enjoyable, when you keep watching the same show over and over it gets boring and uninteresting, even if you once enjoyed it
Well I try initiating, she denies me. She never wants to try different positions--if she does she doesn't say anything. When I try to change positions she wants to not do that "that hurts my legs" "not tonight." I try to get with her after she showers to then go down on her--she "doesn't like that" I try to use my fingers on her (I am pretty good with them) "no I don't wanna do that."
What do? I am down to roleplay and fuck outside. We used to do anal and had anal beads. Now--nothing like that.
damn if you've tried to "spice it up" and she's still being stubborn I would argue you might want to slowly stop trying to have sex with her. don't make it super obvious but just stop asking and initiating and eventually she will get horny/ wonder why you aren't seeking sex anymore
when she brings it up, vent these frustrations and say it doesn't even feel like it's worth the effort/ you don't seem very attracted to me lately
communication is key
She did like being tied up, we did anal--had anal beads. Swallows (not really kinky but Have had one gf not do that much). She would actually suck my dick. Would finish me with her mouth. We fucked in public once (granted we were drunk). She was just not a plain jane vanilia girl not crazy sex kitten--but not totally lame.
Tell us about yourself first.
What do you think are the reasons for her not wanting to fuck with her loved one?
Also you should have asked her what she thought about blowjobs before marrying her, if her answer is something along the lines "i don't know/they are BORING" that's a HUGE redflag.
Now you must do two things, first talk to her and go get couple counseling.
Women are awfull beings, she is most likelly depressed because you can't turn her for reasons. (see: not man enough, not bread winner enough, not hot enough, not fun enough,etc.) and if it's one of those you should never feel ashamed and depressed because of it, they are evil monsters and i hope you get a smooth divorce. (ask a lawyer)
Fucking awfull beings women are jesus christ
Got divorced from my wife of 10 years not too long ago because of the same reason. Got to a point where it was just pathetic, like she lost all motivation for everything.
Living the single life and seeing a girl on the reg, sex has been great, and life is great.
Just saying OP. I tried the "communication" bullshit a lot of people say, most of the time just doesn't seem to "hit" home base.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
It's not specifically what you're doing in the bedroom. It sounds like it's more that she's bored in the general relationship, and so she doesn't feel attracted enough to you to enjoy any of the stuff you want to do in bed.
This is a very common problem in marriages and long relationships, and the solution is often pretty simple - you just have to take her out of the house, to new places, and have fun with her sometimes. More often than you have been lately. Do things spontaneously, surprise her with tickets to a concert for a band she likes, or a play, or whatever she's into. Go with her and act like you're enjoying it, try to have a good time. Take her somewhere fancy on special occasions, give her a chance to wear something nice. Stuff like that is important to women. A vacation would be great if you can afford it.
And yeah, all that shit costs money, but that's life man. She's been sticking with you, but you can't expect her to act like she's having the time of her life if things have gotten boring.
I'm in a similar situation. I don't really see the point on continuing the relationship. A sexless relationship is called a friendship. There's no point in beating up your ego every day over it. "Don't set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm" and all that.
I am a fun, nerdy, introverted, veteran (one tour in Iraq, served in the infantry). Love Guns, swing dancing, I am scorpio, like /tg/. Have friends who I hang with once a week for /tg/.
As far as bed goes--I cum a bit too fast. But I make up for it by having that recover time. Literally can go at it again after 5 minutes. Then last a lot longer. If a girl is on BC i can cum inside her, get hard again and wham bam thank you ma'am again. My libidio is way way higher--I get it.
We use a toy and I rarely finish before her now though. Because I am a gentleman. I can hold to fight it back now--but it has gotten harder with less frequent sex.
I think she is depressed because we have been strapped for money. We rent a house, and have bills to pay. My GI bill only covers so much, she works full time. I am getting my masters to get a Teaching degree (history).
Ger grandmother died 9 months ago-ish. That hit her hard. She worries pretty heavily about everything. She literally will have an issue about trying to decide where to eat--like almost a panic attack sometimes. She can't make up her mind about shit.
Been married almost 6 months--no kids thank god.
She has finally said she will see someone to talk to. So I am waiting to have a major dissucsion until I see what happens with that.
I have had a long term relationship, im the guy who you replied to.
And i have to agree with >>16675500
That's the problem, but let me explain something else, or give my opinion at least.
I think we have digged to the general insight of the problem, wich is that she is bored, depressed with life ( is this all that life has to offer?) and has/is having a rough time, well both of you.
Women seem to be different than us, i can picture you going to sleep with you giving your back to her wondering why she doesn't reply your love, and that you really care for her and that you really like her despise all the problems.
Saying this, you shouldn't feel bad, i don't think you should "force things" with the whole "try hard", marriage is made of two people, and while it's true you can't force someone else "to do it" they can't force you to stay with them. and you shouldn't feel bad because of it, because you want to be alone, it's not fair. It's not fair that you go to bed everyday thinking why she doesn't love you like you do.
this is also acceptable.
My final opinion and advice would be, talk to her and get help, even if it's from a cleric or something. keep the relationship while you are finishing your things, your major, try harder at work, placate the libido with more work if you can, learn a language, whatever makes your resume shinier.
Lets think cold here, when you are done with your things or you are set to finish them, and if nothing has change, DIVORCE.
She's most likely cheating on you. Not kidding either. A lot of people who have been together for a long time, and have kids together, end up cheating and either hiding it and or divorcing. Sorry buddy.
If you're a Scorpio what is her sign?
Scorpios are known to have a high sex drive, if you're with like a Libra or cancer you're kinda fucked.
Get yourself a Taurus or a sagitarius, they tend to be very into physical passion where other signs tend to be either very emotionally receptive or mentally receptive.
I'm a Libra and I could never be with a Scorpio, if my partner doesn't mentally stimulate me before sex I have no physical urge for sex.
I think they sad reality of your situation is you're mismatched. The sexiest thing in the world for her may be emotional sentiments which won't really work for you because you yearn for the physical touch.
The only way I think you can make this work is by both of you acknowledging what you want in a relationship and making a conscious decision to make an effort to stimulate each other equally.
Sounds like she her mind is permanently stuck worrying about the future or past, almost like shes never actually present. She is probably sitting there worrying or planning for something in the future or stuck in the past at almost all times. She doesn't enjoy sex because her mind is not in the present and she is turning herself off with every thought about how tired work makes her and next week this is happening and worrying about money because reasons, meanwhile you are this constant thing that always want to poke her even though she doesn't feel it's really worth it for you. No offence, ofc, curse of being male is the need to bone, always. I am also a horny man.
She really does need help with depression/anxiety (both are closely related), i see so many ppl who need help with it going untreated because they get stuck in this shitty system, depression steals 99% motivation, so how does someone who has it and working go about fixing it? If they stop working how to do afford to get the help they need? Fucking catch 22's in this damn world.
I feel for you man. I really do. I also feel for her, I had major depression and couldnt even work for 6 years before I even made the smallest effort to get help, and I was LUCKY to find a very good doctor who took me on 1 on 1 for FREE. If he hadn't done it pro bono, i would have been boucning around useless group therapies till i gave up and quit. It still took 2 years with proper meds before I could change my brain; change my thought patterns. I was ofc single at that time, I don't know how much easier or harder it would be to do that while in a relationship.
>being so closed minded you immediately dismiss methods of reading peoples personality through the study of astrology which has been used for thousands of years.
I hope your fedora's helping you get laid because you seem pretty hopeless there bud.
There really is no advice to give here, she's lost her sex drive, and you've not. It's fairly normal after marriage but the good news is, it doesn't have to affect your life. Just fuck friends, I do it all the time, it helps me meet my needs, and helps my wife fulfil hers.
>methods of reading peoples personality through the study of astrology
More like "methods of reading peoples personality through the random number that is their birthday". While I agree that the time of the year that a person is born in might affect their personality somehow (since the environment for their initial development is different), the notion that random patterns of stars visible in the sky (patterns visible only from our Solar system, since from, say, Alpha Centauri, the patterns would be completely different) on the day of your birth, with strict cutoff dates, affect your personality is just absurd. Say a person is born on the 20th of January. Would that person have a different personality if the pregnancy lasted one day longer, and instead of a Capricorn they were born Aquarius? Not to mention the fact, that since all celestial bodies are in motion, the actual dates during which the Sun moves between different signs have changed over the last two thousand years and are no longer the same as in the Classical Era.
She's not interested because you both are spending way too much time together.
That and she may be depressed.
I recommend you two see a counselor or you actually sit her down, stop being so cautious because youre afraid of hurting her feelings, and tell her youre not happy with the lack of sex. Have a solution ready too. Do you want her to let you give her oral? Do you want sex every other day?
If nothing changes or she refuses to get help, then itll be time for you to think about what you want to do with your marriage.
If you don't communicate with her, then don't expect things to change.
I went through a very similar situation but as the woman. As another anon said, she may have lost interest in having sex with you. She may not be sexually attracted to you due to a number of reasons. If you went through a rough patch before she could be dwelling on that, she may not feel like you're interesting enough to capture her attention (read: not being able to read her mind), she could be depressed and self concious making her feel unattractive.
Have either of you gained weight or drastically changed your appearance? Have you been slacking in the husband department (not doing cute things you used to, not doing things she's asked of you a million times, not giving the telationship the same effort you once did)? Has she always not had friends and been okay with that or has she actively withdrawn from friendships? The simplest answer would be to go to couples counseling but I'll be around for a while to answer your questions.
Consider yourself lucky. I've gotten oral sex from my wife once in the last two years. She claims that it hurts her jaw. Meanwhile, I go down on her every time we have sex (once every two weeks at the most).
I'm in the same boat, although we have two kids. She claims she's tired all the time and never in the mood. She changed her diet and started exercising claiming that it would increase her sex drive. I think it's actually gotten worse.
I don't even know what she wants anymore. I know she has a kinky side but she never wants to try anything new. About the only think I am sure of is that she wants to bring another women into the picture at some point. She's been telling me since college that she would be with another girl for me. When we've watched porn in the past, she'll always pick lesbian or FFM.
I kind of think she's bi/gay and too afraid to admit it to herself. Funny thing is, I wouldn't really care at this point. If that was what made her happy, I would be 100% supportive. I could at least get back on the market and find someone I am more sexually compatible with.
I'm in somewhat of a similar situation.
18 year old male, got my first girlfriend a couple months ago. For the first month things were fine, and she wanted to have sex a lot. I was a virgin before her, but she assured me that she didn't mind that I was inexperienced and that I would get better.
Recently, however, she discovered that I had gotten her pregnant, and she decided to get an abortion - the medical kind, not the surgical one. She switched to a new birth control method and she says it makes her sex drive low, and also she's depressed, so I think that probably has something to do with it too. But she promised that when I got back from vacation we would try to do it again.
So last night, she was trying to make me happy, but clearly she wasn't as interested. She started things by offering to let me shower with her, something she knows I like to do. So I did, and of course in kissing her and rubbing her wet body I got an erection. So we went to bed, and she started to move against my dick, so I started to thrust back. I sucked on her nipples for a while, and she started giving me a handjob. I don't know how to give head very well, but she told me what to do and she enjoyed that for a while, but here she started to get kinda rude, which was the first clue she wasn't feeling it. She snapped at me for using the word 'pussy', which she doesn't like I guess. Then she was kinda rude about me putting it in, she got irritated with me having to get up and get a condom. But I put it in her, and we were having sex for a while, and I was trying to do it how she wanted it, but it was uncomfortable for me and she complained something I was doing was wrong, but she couldn't describe it. Eventually she told me she just gave up, told me to throw the condom out and to go home. And she yelled at me for getting lubricant on her phone. It was like 4 in the morning. So naturally that felt kinda shitty.
I know it probably had little to do with my performance, because we've had sex plenty of times before and she enjoyed it. It seemed like she just didn't want to have sex, but she was making herself do it to make me happy. Still, it makes me feel insecure. If she viewed me as a real man would she have made me stop? If I knew how to do it the way she wanted, if I was as good at sex as other guys she had been with, would she have made me stop? It makes me feel really shitty about myself honestly. I feel pathetic that I was a virgin until now. It's not as if I can just have lots of sex. How am I ever going to get better at it if she never wants to do it now? Without her, I don't know how in the fuck I would ever have sex anyway. I'm just fucked.
I'm going to sound like a bitch but I was once your wife. I will tell you what he did.
He stopped initiating. Once I noticed my boyfriend wasn't initiating anymore I was all worried "why don't you want me anymore wahh" and then he told me that I was the problem. That I made him feel unwanted and that there was no point in trying.
This kinda snapped me out of it. In all honestly, I was being very selfish and only thinking about myself when it came to sex. I thought I was ok with just laying there.
To be completely honest, I still don't feel like it sometimes but I do it because I love being the one to satisfy him. Even when we can't have sex it just means my jaw's going to hurt for the next week.
She needs a reality check and honestly, if she doesn't love being the one that gets to have great sex with you, then she's not worth it.
>he fell for the marriage meme
she trapped you in marriage and she is protected by marriage rape laws. if you ever get frustrated and you try to force it she can have you arrested. your wife is not obligated to give you sex while you are obligated to provide for her.
this is bad advice she will know if you are cheating and she will divorce you for everything you got including alimony.
this person might be right because women feel like they are doing you a favor my giving you sex. she probably feels that you are not spending enough money on her for the sex she is giving you.
Yeah, here's the thing, so does mine. I don't mind doing it because I know she likes it and gets her off, but I'm down there for awhile sometimes.
I don't think people should be forced to do things, but god damn it would be a nice gesture every now and then. I work my ass off, help with the kids and around the house.
Not sure if anyone can speak to being with a woman who was bi or closet lesbian. Not sure if there are other things I should be looking for.
I was in a similar situation after I got married.
about 6 months in, she went an entire month without sex.
I brought it up and she ended up crying.
It turned out she was getting depressed about her job hunt, worried about the pressure, and was also just less energetic.
Of course, she's the breadwinner in your situation, so there's added pressure that she's probably not used to, being a provider.
So the problem is most likely energy related. She really IS tired, but she's probably also a bit clinically depressed. It's going to take you taking an active interest in doing non-sexual things, like going cycling, or walks in the park, and also probably taking over the cooking.
If you all eat a lot of fast food, cut that out.
If she has more energy, she'll feel more into it.
Also, you probably need to take charge more. It sounds like you mostly just wait until it's "sex time" and then go for her. Having a predictable routine makes it very easy for her to tell herself "I'll do it later"
Also, your inability to last probably translates into her being unsatisfied. If your technique is poor then she's not going to enjoy it much, and it really will seem like a chore.
Recovery time doesn't mean anything for a woman, because once you pull out, unless they're super horny, their libido drops like a rock. You have to keep the action up.
Your libido isn't high, that's another mistake you are making. You're having unsatisfying sex. There's a difference.
My biggest suggestion is to get a part time job, like 12 hours a week, to bring in extra cash. She'll be hugely relieved at the influx of cash, and then you can take her to a nice restaurant and maybe stay at a fancy hotel. Make her feel appreciated.
A professional is going to tell you it's mostly your fault, but that the biggest issue is you two don't communicate.
You can't let who's more to blame get at you though, you just gotta fix it.
you made several mistakes
The first was jumping into sex way, way too fast, especially in your first relationship. you haven't had time to really understand her as a person, of course you're going to have a hard time understanding her in the most intimate setting.
Next, abortions make women depressed. Miscarriages do too. Hell, childbirth does often enough. If she did something so drastic, she really REALLY needs to see a therapist.
Lastly, you certainly need to stop pitying yourself. She's probably always going to be scared of getting pregnant again, because she's not ready, and she's going to have these issues for a good while. You shouldn't stay with her just because you think she'll be the only person to have sex with you.
You're in a bad situation. Maybe it'll get better, but most of it is outside your control. Don't be afraid to take control and leave her if she won't take steps to solve her end.
if you bring another girl in, she's going to leave you that's all there is to it.
It's not about the sex.
If she really is too tired a lot of the time, get her to see a doctor, she could be low in certain vitamins.
Is she afraid of having another kid? That'll do it too.
Do you exercise with her? You should.
It's extremely unlikely that she is a closet homosexual. She probably just isn't mentally into it because of all the other factors.
She's seen a doctor and was given supplements to improve energy, etc. None of this has helped.
Can't have another kid, she's fixed. We don't exercise together, but both go to the gym several times a week.
I'm sort of half serious about the gay thing. I've just always found it strange that a threesome is the one thing she always seems to be into when I bring it up.
That usually indicates that she's feeling unsatisfied.
It could be sexual, or she could just be looking for a thrilling sexual satisfaction to distract her from what she's actually unsatisfied about.
In all likelihood, there is some issue she just isn't talking to you about, and while it would be enough to drive a person away in normal circumstances, she's not wanting to give up on your relationship.
but not wanting to give up, and being willing to confront you are two different things.
Does she have a job? are the kids in school?
She could just be feeling unfulfilled. Maybe she needs a job, or maybe the job she has is part of the problem.
Therapists will say the same thing, sex is virtually never the problem. It's the symptom of something completely unrelated to sex.
that just means shes not attracted to you. you should probably deal with it before she cheats on you. you need to start dating her again, if you know what i mean. its easy to just get stuck in the work dinner sleep routine
Honestly, thanks for this. I sort of posted without a lot of real expectation of getting this kind of feedback.
She has stayed home with the kids for a long time and is trying to start a new career. I know that it's stressful for her.
It's somewhat troubling that she is potentially feeling unsatisfied. I do worry that she's unhappy and really yearns for something more. It also doesn't help that I have some self esteem issues and she's probably an 8 and I am like a 5.
If she's going through a lot of stress, that's probably a huge part of it.
Another aspect could be that, as a mom, she doesn't really feel like she's the 8 you see her as. Making sure she feels beautiful is very important. Frequent hugs, kisses, pats, other signs of affection that don't lead to sex are important for that.
Talk with her about life goals. Do you all vacation every year? Are there places she's wanted to visit, but hasn't? Are there things she's wanted to do like skydiving?
A satisfied life will do wonders in the sack.
My wife had to work on-site for a client for 6 months, and it nearly ruined our sex life. When she went back to the office, it all got back on track. She's a creature of habit, routine, and control, so being under someone else's thumb all day left her not in the mood to give up control by having sex (cause you can't really control the other person during sex, without bondage)
You could also try cooking and taking more of the housework up. If she sees you actively doing things to lighten her stress, she'll feel affectionate.
OP is a retard if he doesn't realize the problem is that he is a full time grad student (aka deadbeat) and the wife works a full time shit job.
Man up, get a fucking job, and provide for your wife. She will instantly be more attracted to you and more enthusiastic about sex.
Jesus Christ, this isn't fucking rocket science.