So, I saw my boyfriend calling another girl cute with mild flirting. I'm having a hard time forgiving him, he says he's sorry but doesn't think it's wrong for him to "acknowledge a girl is attractive" while in a relationship and gave no indication that he wouldn't do it again. he's really great otherwise, but knowing he's saying who knows what to other girls is killing me and making it hard for me to open up to him like I did before. I don't know what to do /adv/
In actuallity your jealousy is making it harder for him to open up to you because you don't trust him to not persue girls he flirts with.
He doesn't have to be only attracted to you either as you will also grow and change as a person.
>II mean it was a pretty dick move to flirt but guys are going to think other females are attractive.
this doesn't mean he can't exhibit self control or decency
op ya gotta figure out how big of a deal it is to you. His apology sounds more like "I'm sorry you're upset" than "I'm sorry .I. did something to upset you", which means he isn't really sorry and probably won't change
talk to him again maybe, tell him it made you incredibly uncomfortable. If he chooses to deflect on it again ask yourself how much you want to be with someone who is going to constantly flirt in front of you, knowing it makes you uncomfortable
I'm not saying he can't think it, but to be so in my face about it with a girl he knew I felt intimidated by, then to not even tell me he wouldn't do it again.. idk. I feel pretty upset. he keeps saying stuff about how they're attractive but "you're the one I really like" just feels shitty and I don't even like him complimenting me anymore, cause obviously fuck knows how many girls he says it to. he basically said, "sorry I you saw that" and not sorry that he did it in the first place
finding someone attractive and flirting with them where your girlfriend can see then insisting it's fine is a bit different, isn't it?
Op, please leave him. I get its hard to just dump off someone like that but I personally don't have any tolerance for that. He can acknowledge when someone is good looking but even mild flirting isn't a good indicator he's not very loyal. Plus he should respect you don't like that at the very least. Being able to be open and trust is incredibly important in a relationship. I've had a relationship end with a very compatable person because of lack of trust. So my point is that the fact you can't trust him alone, and that he's pulling that shit, the relationship will deteriorate anyway. But I understand how relationships work and it's hard to dump someone off. How long have you been together? I would say wait, but if he does it again pack your bags. If he loved you he would respect you. Sometimes him being great can be a wolf in sheeps skin, so trust your judgement.
I would never date a woman that openly flirted with other men. Life is too short to waste on people that don't respect you. If you don't do the same kind of flirting, it sounds like you guys have completely different values. Just find someone you like more?
it's a pretty new thing, but I have BPD so trusting anyone is extremely difficult. it's my first relationship in two years. right when I was finally letting my "walls" down he pulls this. I've even explained to him why this stuff is particularly hurtful to someone with my condition and his stance on it didn't change
Then that there is a good indicator he has no respect let alone love. Love doesn't happen overnight but he should respect you and consider your feelings. I have a hard time trusting people as well, but don't distrust the people who honestly deserve it because you'll drive them away. I don't believe this person you're dating is very trustworthy. I'm not sure if you should wait to see if he pulls something like this again. He may try to hide it, and the truth also is this may just be how he is. I think that if he can't respect you then most likely he isn't good for you. I don't know your relationship though. Again, him being nice isn't always done out of good intentions. It would be shitty if you have a hard time trusting then someone does this, but there are a lot of bad people in the world. Try to judge and trust everyone neutrally until they prove you one way or another. So you can form healthy relationships but still be able to block out assholes.
you guys are probably right
I want to try talking with him one more time about it before breaking up, but not sure how to approach it. I think a lot of it is that he's only had one ex, and she apparently was fine with it and did the same. is it a good idea to basically say, "it's fine that your ex was okay with it, but I'm not and quite honestly most other girls would not be okay with it and I find it very hurtful and disrespectful"
Don't even bring up the ex imo. I see what you're getting at but it's blunting the message.
You should be straightforward.
"The things that you are doing are hurtful. I want to be in a relationship with you, but not if you're going to be disrespectful."
You mean why would he compliment other girls on their appearance? Because he can be nice to others and not intend to fuck them. The jealousy over him simply talking to a girl for 5 seconds is irrational and bordering on controlling psychopathic behavior.
She clearly said flirt. And if she's in a relationship with him, she can probably identify what flirting is for him.
You can compliment people without flirting. You can also admire people without disrespecting your partner
>controlling psychopathic behavior
That is the most over-emotional and illogical sentiment I've seen in this thread.
yeah, he was definitely flirting. if he just said something like "you look nice", that's one thing, but for him to "jokingly" call her cute, hot, and to flirt with her at all when he knew I would know and he also knew that she was someone I felt insecure about, since he would act with way with this particular girl before we got together as well.
I did talk to him though and didn't hold back. he seems to understand and said he researched a bit about BPD since we last discussed it and apparently "didn't realize how bad something like that could hurt me" and talked about how he figured it was normal because of his ex, and said he wouldn't do it again. I'll see if he means it. I'm really glad I openly talked to him about it though. thanks /adv/
Guys call girls cute, hot all the time.
You do sound controlling by getting butthurt over that. If hes touching her though thats a different story but without you saying how he was flirting this is what I have to go off of.
You may think youre going to be able to get him to change. But let me tell you how guys work..
Behind the scenes hes talking to his friends about how you are so upset. The same way you are talking to other people. And frankly any outside guy is just going to call you a bitch and tell him to move on.
This moment is going to change your relationship and youre going to break up because of it down the line. Learn to be more reasonable so that you relationships last longer. Id say you have some more time left though. He may say he understands but this is what any guy learns he has to say because he feels obligated to calm you down. Hes going to bottle up the ideas others are telling him and I wouldnt be surprised if he started doing it more behind you back because of how you are acting.
so you'd really be fine with your relatively new bf flirting with another girl when there's already a history there and it's right in front of your face? I have a hard time believing that
>Guys call girls cute, hot all the time.
That doesn't make it appropriate
If you're into that and your girl is into that, great, but if one party is not, the other party needs to make the decision to respect that or they need to evaluate whether or not they belong in a relationship
There is no handbook or rulebook that says "You need to be okay with your partner flirting with other people"
Different people have different boundaries and it is not "controlling" to ask your partner to respect such a mild boundary. OP isn't screaming and shouting and stomping her feet demanding that her boyfriend never speak to another girl again. THAT is demanding and controlling. She's respectfully voicing her concerns with behavior that makes her uncomfortable. That is entirely reasonable.
I know this will blow some peoples minds, but Uncomfortable with flirting =/= controlling ugly jealous rage.
This is not flirting. Its just her being manipulative and controlling. And its going to break up the situation.
Flirting is not okay. But when he tells his friends no one but her is going to consider this flirting. His friends are going to constantly call her a manipulative bitch and things like that and influence him to go behind her back because shes is frankly being unreasonable. they arent married so of course his friends are going to influence him more than her.
Its cute you think that lol. this has nothing to do with self control. I tell a girl that shes cute because girls have a shit ton of body image issues and its honestly annoying watching a cute girl complain about that stuff. Or if I find her cute its easier to admit it than try to hide it and spill spaghetti everywhere. Being honest is always the best path.
>If you're into that and your girl is into that, great, but if one party is not, the other party needs to make the decision to respect that or they need to evaluate whether or not they belong in a relationship
Such a child. Relationships are about compromises. Any unreasonable demands are done by controlling people.
>Uncomfortable with flirting =/= controlling ugly jealous rage.
Calling someone cute does not constitute flirting. You have to be incredibly controlling and manipulative to see it that way. Might as well say hes not allowed to speak to girls.
>Its cute you think that lol
It's cute that you think healthy realationships consider that okay
And you're making an awful lot of assumptions, considering you don't actually know the extent of the flirting or what exactly was said.
OP doesn't know what to do, that's why she's posting in /adv/. From what's she's posted already, she doesn't know what to do with this but she knows she's not comfortable with it. She's not bitching at him. She's not threatening him. She's not withholding anything from him. And if his friends actually pushed the idea that she was being manipulative over a singular incident like this (which is making her feel insecure), he's fucking weak and his friends are assholes.
I dont and said that I dont. But I cant take that into account. All I know is that he told a girl she was cute and from that alone shes unreasonable, his friends are telling him shes no good for him. And its likely to break up the relationship.
I cant make assumptions based on what she didnt say.
is he the type that would get pissy if you flirted with other guys?
eitherway hes constantly on the lookout for something better and only sees you as good enough for the time being
>She's not bitching at him
She clearly says
>I'm having a hard time forgiving him, he says he's sorry
Which implies they talked about it enough for him to realize shes mad about it. She clearly implies she wants him to change.
His apology validates what Im saying which is that he and probably everyone hes in touch with thinks shes a manipulative controlling reasonable person.
This one instance will just be 1 of many.
>Such a child. Relationships are about compromises. Any unreasonable demands are done by controlling people.
Nothing about this is unreasonable. You cannot literally compromise on everything. It's childish to think so. People are allowed to have boundaries.
>Calling someone cute does not constitute flirting. You have to be incredibly controlling and manipulative to see it that way.
I'm sure she's well aware how he flirts, since she said so, and he had to flirt with her to BE in a relationship with her.
>Might as well say hes not allowed to speak to girls.
You're being over dramatic and silly so it's really hard to take you seriously
>All I know is that he told a girl she was cute and from that alone shes unreasonable
from the OP
>calling a girl cute with mild flirting
That obviously points towards more than just calling her cute.
She very well stated
> he's sorry BUT doesn't think it's wrong for him to "acknowledge a girl is attractive" while in a relationship and gave no indication that he wouldn't do it again.
He's not sorry that he did something to hurt her, he's sorry that she's upset and they're having a disagreement. That's being insincere at best, manipulative at worst because he's expecting her to drop it without issue even though he wasn't originally going to stop making her uncomfortable
yes he is, when he thought a friend of ours was flirting with me he got extremely upset and clingy for a bit, he's even joked about his possessiveness before. I think that's one thing that got to me more, that he was being a bit hypocritical
Nowhere did OP say she was mad at him. It was enough to upset her and make her uncomfortable. Her tone from typing alone says that she's more flustered than furious. Also, since you're enjoying the use of that word, in what way is she manipulating him.
>What I do is fine regardless of how you feel about it because I'm right.
Thats exactly how he feels. No one is going to let someone control them unreasonably. You dont compromise on unreasonable demands.
>People are allowed to have boundaries
Yes, controlling manipulative people set boundaries that are unreasonable for their own benefit.
>I'm sure she's well aware how he flirts
It sounds far more likely from how shes been talking that she thinks calling someone cute immediately constitutes flirting regardless of the person.
>You're being over dramatic
Nothing dramatic about not making concessions to unreasonable demands.
>That obviously points towards more than just calling her cute.
No shes only said calling her cute. There is no indication that he did more. it just sounds like she felt him calling another girl cute was him flirting.
> I saw my boyfriend calling another girl cute with mild flirting.
That is straight from the OP. Again, she should be able to recognize how he flirts considering that he is her boyfriend.
>That's being insincere at best
Jesus these childish opinions.
Hes clearly stated he only feels bad about the fact that she feels bad. Which is by definition a sincere statement. Hes not lying about it.
Shes like a child screaming for cake. Yeah he hates so see her sad, but her demand is unreasonable and in no way his fault.
By saying you cant forgive someone implies you are angry.
>Thats exactly how he feels
Lol except he clearly had a change of heart just a couple of posts up. So even he is being less irrational about this than you are. Please continue to be contrarian for the sake of it though.
You don't sound too experienced in commuted relationships, in all honesty.
>By saying you cant forgive someone implies you are angry
>What are the numerous other negative emotions that could keep you for forgiving someone.
The thread takes 2 seconds to read.
Theres a difference between other people flirting with someone and that person flirting with others. No one wants to see someone flirting with their SO. And I highly doubt he was butthurt because another guy ONLY called her cute.
Theres nothing hypocritical about that.
Nothing more than calling a girl cute is implied here. Only that she perceived it as flirting and if you read the thread she implies that calling someone cute is flirting itself.
I'm like this, a flirty type. At least in my case, I mean no harm, and only do it for the satisfaction of having a girl dawdle about you. It doesn't mean he's gonna cheat, at least not if he loves you. He's gonna genuinely convince himself that "What? I'm just talking to her, am I not allowed to talk to girls?", but deep down he'll know and feel sorry about it. Let him know how you feel, tell him that you know that he thinks he's not doing anything wrong but deep down he does. Hopefully, he'll man up and address that he has a problem.
What was the context? Even when I flirted while in a relationship I'd consider calling another girl "cute" too far and a bit of a cheating douche's move. Judging by the situation you may have to throw out my previous advice and just dump him. Oh, and if he does cheat, do NOT forgive. Cheating isn't something a person can change, it's a personality (99% of the time; if he gets extremely emotional during the breakup and you can sense genuine greif in him, he may be the 1% that WILL change).
>I screamed at him until he understood
That is not how men work at all. Appeasing women regardless of how you feel is dating 101.
lol Im not about to waste my time on such nonsense.
Do.. Do you know how the word "and" is commonly used? Cause it doesn't sound like it
>And I highly doubt he was butthurt because another guy ONLY called her cute.
How the hell do you know that? You're just making shit up now.
Its highly unlikely that the exact same scenario came up in the same relationship like this.
Are you educated, because I dont think you are capable of logic. I wasnt really going to say my opinion of you but since we are liberally throwing it out theres no need not to.
"and" only implies he didnt say it in some monotone voice. Without her going into further detail about how she felt he was flirting and how shes caught up so much on him complimenting another girl I see no reason to assume more.
>"and" only implies he didnt say it in some monotone voice. Without her going into further detail about how she felt he was flirting and how shes caught up so much on him complimenting another girl I see no reason to assume more.
So you're saying your snap assumption must be the correct answer even though all but one or two people in this thread interpreted it the way most people would and how it was likely intended? You seem to be projecting or something
As an old fag, this is something you need to get the fuck over.
Men find other women physically attractive. period. It doesn't matter how satisfied he is in your relationship; women don't just suddenly turn into uglies just because you want to have a baby with him.
Second, all humans enjoy flirting. Look it up, science. It's a healthy human activity that brings feelings of self worth, happiness, satisfaction, and just overall goodness.
What's important here is if he is CHEATING. And if you think receiving positive attention that *DOES NOT LEAD* to infidelity is cheating... well you might need a primer on the difference between the two:
>Two co workers are attracted to each other. Both are in relationships.
>Two co workers acknowledge attraction for each other through mild flirting (NOT CHEATING)
>One co worker develops emotional feelings for the other co worker (CHEATING)
>The two co workers kiss each other (CHEATING)
>The two co workers tell each other their partners' intimate details that should stay in the bedroom/relationship and not be public (CHEATING)
>The two co workers call each other cutie and that's the farthest it goes (mild flirting) (NOT CHEATING)
If you spend your whole life being distrustful of a man because he acknowledges that another woman (or man for bis and gays) is attractive... you are going to spend your whole life being distrustful and the only person it's really going to hurt is you.
Do you trust the fucker or not? Because unless you've got evidence of dick in the vagina cheating, you constantly being suspicious of his is going to drive his dick right into that girl's vagina.
Im saying that she hasnt said more, so I will make the least amount of assumptions possible until given more information. You think its right to make assumptions which is a flawed way of thinking.