Basically I hate myself, and I'm tired of it.
Also not sure what to do about. It shows so obviously in my life through my terrible personality, being passive-aggressive, defensive, pretentious, never taking blame for my own mistakes, even slouching and hovering over my food, making myself smaller you know? Complete lack of confidence.
But then I don't really even know what confidence is supposed to mean, just basically "you think you're awesome" right? People say "fake it till you make it", how am I supposed to pretend to feel something I've never felt and don't really even know what it looks like? So frustrated.
Over the past 18 months I've lost 60 pounds, moved out, got a promotion at work, none of that's made a difference, I still hate myself and act like an asshole because of it.
>need to love yourself before anyone will love you
>how can I love myself if no one else does
I have no socializing. My entire life is just work, movies, internet.
I'm so tired of this. It's not like I'm crushed by depression and sobbing trying to kill myself, it's just that I'm aware of how terrible of a person I am and that that's why I'm alone. "Personality" is supposed to be the most important thing for making friends or meeting girls, and mine is awful. But then again, do people ever really change in the long run?
>how to be confident/stop hating myself
That's the thing, I have no idea.
Wife and kids maybe, but I'm too terrible for a girl to like me right now so that's just running in circles.
I tend to give up on things really easily, usually I get discouraged and think I'm not making fast enough progress. So as a result I have no real hobbies or activities or interests or anything, I can't even play video games because losing makes me upset. I'm not good at anything, so that's part of why I don't like myself.
I suppose you can't do anything about the work bit, but try making room for socialization. Cut back on movies, internet. Get off 4chan for a bit, it won't make you happy. Go to a park, a library, a market, someplace that gets you near people but won't get overwhelmed.
If you don't have a clue about what confidence is, look to what other people consider as confidence. Take note of who's considered confident and take note of those people's behaviors. Try to emulate these behaviors if you can.
As for self loathing, stop taking yourself so seriously. Try to let go of whatever it is that's screwing up.
You have all the tools and knowledge to fix yourself then. Personal growth and accomplishment is what will bring confidence & happiness. A good starting point is practicing the discipline you lack.
Progress is progress. Consistency is what sets people apart, and it's basically the best symbol of discipline.
Do you want to be confident as in "I know I cannot fail"?
Or do you want to have perseverance as in "I know I can fail, but I will do it anyway"?
Which one do you think is better? Which one is more realistic? Which one cannot be taken away from you?
Why are you being such a defeatist cunt?
I wrote "can" but you raise an interesting argument. Indeed, why would I do what I do if I knew I will fail?
Because it makes me feel alive. You haven't been ever really alive until you scream at the odds "fuck you! I will try anyway!". I can write many words about this, but you will not understand until you experience it for yourself.