Is there anyone here who have experience dealing with a girls past?
My girlfriend told me straight up early in the relationship that she was afraid that i was going to leave her on account of her having had sex with more people than me. (4 to be exact. I was a virgin.) I told her i did not care, which was the truth. I kinda expected this to happen (I was 21), and i was sort of glad she was being totally honest and that it wasn't worse.
A couple of months later this horrible feeling of jealousy and disgust seeps in, and it went so far as to wake me up in the middle of the night. (We were away from each other on vacation) Usually, i dont feel bad about it when i am with her.
I am thinking this probably is rooted in my own confidence, but i also realize that it probably is rational to have some of these feelings.
She is a wonderful girl, and trough the eight months we have been together she has not given me any reason to dislike or not trust her. The sex is great. I dont want to break up with her.
Still I cant shake that uncomfortable feeling.
Has anyone ever felt the same? I have read that this fades away some with time.
Yeah i created a new thread ( >>16663985 )
>Well the only thing you can do is learn you lesson. You can break up with her and only find someone with comparable partner count as you. Someone else who is either a virgin or made the same mistake as you. Or you can live with it. You wont be happy about it ever. She realized it because of course she wasnt a virgin and understood. You didnt really have a way of understanding. It really sucks I know.
Is this from personal experience?
I hate the feeling that i somehow HAVE to break up, because some petty feelings i have, however the natural they might be.
You thought it didnt matter because you didnt realize how important sex was at the time because you never had sex. After having sex you are now bitter and upset because you realize that this special moment between you two isnt so special for her as well.
This feeling isnt going to go away. You may not say anything but it will get to you and reflect in you actions and thoughts.
Might be best before it takes form of hostility. I suggest you stop having sex for now and reflect upon whether you can accept her past. She'll be hurt but she knew better than you did that this would be a problem.
Speaking from experience, there's nothing you can do bro. I've never been with a virgin cuz I was late to the party, I didn't get laid till I was 23. Totally my own fault, I didn't give a fuck about girls till that age. When I had my first girlfriend, I thought about that shit all the time. Same thing with the second girlfriend. I cheated on the 2nd a few times, broke up with her, then smashed a shit ton of girls. Like, so many that I've lost count. The thing is, you'll never get over this unless you want to. I still go out and slay, but none of it ever satisfies they way sex did with someone I cared about.
If I had to try and give you real advice, it would be this - realize that sex isn't intrisically special, it's the two people that are having it that make it special. It is what you make it. That being said, it's nearly impossible to appreciate that without having some meaningless sex under your belt as a point of comparison. I'd dump your current lady, or at least get her to throw a threesome your way, so you can know what another vagina is like. My 2c.
I feel like this is some weird advice.
I knew about she having had sex with people before, and it did not color mye view of her before we started dating. I am not particularly bitter that i am not her only one, she's never had it as good as she has with me and this is special.
Don't listen to this, OP.
If you project onto her your insecurities and start to believe the sex between you isn't special, then MAKE IT SPECIAL and stop being a pussy. 4 people is nothing. Be glad she had some experience before you.
>she's never had it as good as she has with me and this is special.
Did she tell you this...
And just because you knew about her past doesnt mean you understood the implication because you had yet to have sex. So theres no way you could no if it was going to interfere with you view on sex with her.
OP here, reading posts like these alleviates so much of my worries, and i sorta feel normal.
Maybe all i want to is feel normal, and most of these problems are based in my own insecurities. I have had problems in the past with wild insecurities on insignificant things.
I also realize that some of these feelings are perfectly normal, just not to the extent that i am feeling them periodically.
He's just bitter.
In real life people of both genders enjoy sex with each other. The reason why this is such an issue is what's the church has been doing for centuries. As long as you both agree to monogamy, your gf's past is just some story you don't need to think about. It has nothing to do with your relationship.
That depends on the question, mate.
What you should be seeking out are methods of letting go. YouTube might be a better solution for you. Type in 'letting go sedona', and invest an hour of your life on something that might help you deal with any issue you'll ever have.
Your girl is probably autistic or at least has some level of mental illness, if not trauma, dampening her confidence.
Other than that she's fine
There is nothing wrong with having sex when and with who you want, only other people make it that way. Sex really isnt a big deal at all, it doesnt change you as a person orherr body
Don't feel bad OP, atleast you weren't in the situation I was just in:
A girl fell in love with me recently. She fell for me at first sight...I'm talkin I walked in the room and she took one look at me and instantly she was in love with me. This girl would have satisfied ALL of my sexual desires---that's how in love with me she was.
But she was a fucking niggerlover!
I thought I'd won the lottery! A seemingly perfect girl falls in love with me and it turns out she was a worthless coalburner.
and I don't mean she dated a nig once I mean she gets pumped and dumped by them on the reg! Ewwwwwwwwww
Thank goodness i didn't kiss her
But as long as your gf's 4 partners were all white Protestant you're golden.
>Sex really isnt a big deal at all, it doesnt change you as a person orherr body
Its not a big deal when you have sex with multiple people. It is when its something you only give out to a special person.
I am also afraid that this will be a problem further down the road if i break up and move on.
There are many amazing girls in this world, and limiting myself to only virgins and people who have been in my situation (i suspect girls dont have this problem as bad as guys) seems like a shitty attitude to have.
I kinda want to just get over it.
No because Im in an environment where most people arent whores. but for those with your line of thinking yes, you are a whore.
there is no argument for the purpose of monogamy if you just see sex as something casual. Or at least sleeping around.
>I am thinking this probably is rooted in my own confidence
Pretty much this. You care way too much about what she thinks of you. You should trust yourself to be an amazing boyfriend and consider it her mistake if that's not enough for her. You can only offer what's good and decent. It's not your problem if her past prevents her from cherishing that. Focus on getting what you need out of this relationship. That, along with the trust you have in yourself, are really all that matter.
There are a lot of women like around here too. But choosing a girl based on some arbitrary number of partners seems so weird. Surely what must be worth keeping is great chemistry.
According to Homer Simpson, jealousy is about wanting others to not get what you have. Since she's an independent person who can make her own choices about the men she thinks about and pursues, what's there to be jealous about if you are good enough? What worry is left except being too concerned with the accuracy of her view of you?
I'm not calling you a liar. If you say that your confidence is fine then I'll take that as true. But help me to understand what explanation is left. For you to be jealous, it's either because you think you're not good enough or because she doesn't recognize your value. You just told me that the first option isn't true. So what's left except the second option, which is something I'm telling you not to care so much about?
The point of rationality is to
>shake that uncomfortable feeling
by finding the contradiction between impulse and a considerate perspective. It's not to turn anyone into a robot or claim that all feelings have a rational basis. The point is to find the feeling which genuinely doesn't make sense and recognize why so that it can be talked down.
its not an arbitrary number. If some women told you shes been married 87 times of course youd see something wrong with that.
1) marriage isnt as important to her as it is you
2) 87 is far too many
Some people want others who have never been married. Some dont mind 1. Maybe 2. Thats how I see sex. Its just not as important to you as it is to me if you sleep around. Because its something Ive chosen to make extremely special. Like giving a gift out but not getting anything in return. I dont want that. Nothing insecure about that either.
The fact that she has had others does not bother me in it self.
I feel bad about the fact that that the two last ones took place in the same city we live in now while she was studying as we do now. I asked her, and she told me that i knew none of them and that she has nothing to do with them now.
She has also told me that she don't regret it, but she stopped it because she did not want to be the person to sleep around.
Still i worry to death that people think badly of her (that she is loose or something petty like that..) and that i am being fooled into thinking she is a great person. I have no basis to thinking this other than the fact that i know that she have had some rather loose sex with some people. (Which feels perfectly OK, at least on the surface.)
She has told me that she values our relationship very highly, not as something baseless.
..and now i feel like i am a petty piece of shit, but these are some of my feelings. This makes me think that as i learn to trust her this might become easier.
>She has told me that she values our relationship very highly
You value it highly enough to give your virginity to her. for her to be the only one you have had sex with. What has she down to show the she values it as much as you do.
Yeah i feel you. But as always i find that real life falls somewhere in between.
She has explicitly said that she fancies me for the long run. And i know she values marriage if that helps you understand my predicament.
Really i just want to have this girl and get on with life in peace and quiet. Thing it seems like i have some mental stops prohibiting me from just letting this thing go.
Why should op stop having good sex? Just cuz you're not getting laid doesn't mean he shouldn't be either. Figuring out his shit and getting laid aren't mutually exclusive. Don't be an idiot.
Because he clearly hasnt thought it through all the way and needs to clear his mind and reflect upon what it is he wants.
Dont be stupid. Its like trying to learn how to ride a bike except instead of doing it somewhere safe you do it on a steep hill. Sure it can be done. But its a bad idea.
To be honest, you're lucky to find a girl that can count how many people she's been with on one hand. You're just upset over it because you were a virgin. Virgins, for whatever reason, tend to place more value on unimportant things like sexual experience. It's one thing to be repulsed by someone that's slept with 50+ people, because that shows that they're very much into casual sex. They treat it like a bucket of popcorn to be shared with friends. You're also going to feel jealous, and as if you're missing out. Later on, you may even try to leave her to experience others, only to find that she was the one that got away.
This is why people are terrified of dating virgins, and her being afraid was justified.