Two months ago my girlfriend, who I lived together with for five years, moved out because, among other things, I failed to meet her standards and my depressive behavior cost her too much energy.
Anyhow, now we're living apart, but we're still together as a couple.
But now there's this problem: I feel like I'm lacking affection and I don't know how to deal with it. When we call or text each other, she almost exclusively tells me what I'm doing wrong or what her agenda looks like. In the two months we've been apart we saw each other every week, but only had sex once.
She barely kisses me anymore, dislikes it when I do, and barely hugs me.
I love her too much to never speak to her again, but at the same time it hurts to suddenly be brought back immensely in terms of human contact, and to not be allowed to seek any form of it elsewhere.
How do I deal with this?
Pic related, it's her.
She has hefty arms and massive hands.. I hope you never anger her because I would lay money on her win!
Seriously though... Find someone else. Just be nice and super social. It's as easy as that.
She looks tough but isn't, she has trouble opening jars.
Anyhow, the major problem is that I do not want to leave her, she was my sole reason for existing for so long, I have nothing on my own.
I really want to manage to need affection less. If she does not think I deserve it I'll accept that.
What was just hard was, for instance, my first girlfriend reconnected with me after being incommunicado for seven to eight years.
Meeting her again, she immediately gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Throughout my visit she'd randomly ruffle my hair or rub my arm and tell me how glad she is to see me again (her fiancee was there, it was friendly, not sexual).
That event shook me up a little, I'm not used to affection in that way, especially from people not my gf and it felt nice, I needed that.
But it's also wrong. Being her boyfriend I should not get any sort of affection from anyone else. So I need to know how to live without it.
Look.. Its not complicated..
You are suffering from sensory deprivation!
This is because your g/f is not tactile with you. In a few years time when your new girl treats you in the way you want, you will look back and wonder why the hell you put up with that shit for so long.
With that in mind, have a word with miss frosty and ask her when she will change. If you don't get a secure and believable answer that involves a time less than a week or two then tell her that you two are done.
Pro tip: you won't .. You will just get waffle.
It's this s way or years of depression.. Trust me.
Yeah, I should. Part of me feels it's disrespectful of me to ask her that, but at the same time, it's scary. I care about her a great deal, and she says she'd be devestated not to have me.
It's hard to decide when you should choose yourself over others.
>Anyhow, the major problem is that I do not want to leave he
No, the major problem is that SHE wants to leave YOU. She's distancing herself from you, first physically by moving out and now emotionally by no kissing.hugging/meaningful conversation. In fact, she may have already found someone else.
If you want to test this theory, stop communicating with her and see how hard she pursues you. I'm going to guess she won't.
>With that in mind, have a word with miss frosty and ask her when she will change.
She'll probably just ask when HE will change. He already admitted that has "depressive behavior" and that's a large part of them splitting. Miss Frosty is just protecting herself by leaving.
That's the weird thing. I neglected to text her for a couple of days and her response was to lay into me quite harshly about how I don't give a shit about her, never have and how I have to step up my game to stay with her.
She still wants me around.
Then ask her... "What x number of things do I need to do to make this relationship work?" BUT, at the same time if there is anything YOU don't like, tell her what they are.
This is how adults work things out... open and honest communication.
Good point, she was right to leave me.
I really do need to change. I need to let go of the need to please myself, grow up, focus on normality and functionality and then maybe I can be worth it to her to stay with me.
I don't know how to do that yet though, I'm still caught up in this childish notion that I should be happy one day, instead of refocusing my life on usefullness like an adult.
I've asked her, and a couple of things are clear:
I am to stop bothering her with my feelings, since it distresses her when I voice unhappiness or dissatisfaction
I am to become able to keep a house spotless, as she felt I didn't do enough.
I am to get my finances in order so that I'll never have difficulties anymore as she does not need that sort of stresa in her life.
As for things she does I don't like, that's tough as I'm not really justigied in criticising her until I can't be criticised myself. She is a near perfect person, and her demands are always reasonable. I am the one in the wrong.
>am to stop bothering her with my feelings, since it distresses her when I voice unhappiness or dissatisfaction
Sorry, but adults lean on each other when they are in a relationship. She sounds emotionally selfish.
>I am to become able to keep a house spotless, as she felt I didn't do enough.
Spotless? OCD much? Look... if you clean up your shit, she cleans up hers and you share other stuff that's how it should be. If she's a clean freak and you're not, it won't work.
>I am to get my finances in order so that I'll never have difficulties anymore as she does not need that sort of stresa in her life.
Who needs financial stress? Yeah, get your finances in order. It's a good thing whether or not you two stay together.
She's not selfish, but she does look out for herself.
My entire life I've been prone to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. For a long time that wasn't a problem as no one cared (though the cutting had to stop because my mother saw it as blackmail).
This didn't work in a relationship obviously. As my gf said, it's incredibly frustrating that she can't yell at me or call me names because I'll selfishly fly into a panic, maybe hurt myself, and make her feel bad as a result.
So I learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time. If I have trouble waking up because I'm certain the world would be better off if I died in bed, I just fake it, put up a smile and tell her I'm fine, as it's not okay for me to worry her.
She (rightly) sees my depression as my problem, not hers. And if we are to stay together, I'd better find a way to stop being depressed pronto.