Sometimes my girlfriend does things that genuinely upset me. But I never flat out tell her how I'm feeling if it conflicts with what she wants to do because I feel like I'm being controlling or demanding. For instance, she's been trying to quit smoking for the last few months and she's been doing really well, going weeks and weeks without having a cigarette but she'll often text me asking if it's okay for her to have a cigarette. I would say no, I mean, a relapse is a relapse. But I just bend over and say yes because I don't want it to seem like I'm putting her on a leash, but the issue is that I'm doing this at the cost of my own feelings. Of course I feel bad when my girlfriend relapses after not having a single cigarette for 3 weeks straight. It's a real bummer. I guess what I'm asking is, how can I tell my girlfriend how I'm feeling without making it seem like I'm being demanding or controlling, the few times I have spoken up that's exactly what she's said, pic related.
This is a surface problem here anon.
This is not a big deal in the relationship. Just tell her, first off, you love her if she quit's smoking or not, make it a low pressure thing, then ENFORCE the no smoking policy, tell her if she smokes you'll be disappointed in her, she shouldn't, etc
I suppose it's necessary to go a bit deeper. Since I started dating her (4-5 months) she's gone to a movie with her ex (And her mother) and she's gone to breakfast with another guy alone (She paid for herself) I admit that I'm extremely naive on the subject of relationships, this is my first relationship ever. But it's these kinds of things that really set me off. My girlfriend has an awful track record as well, she's cheated four different times. I'm constantly told how I'm different and special, and I trust her but I don't think anyone could blame me for being skeptical when she does this kind of stuff. I'm not going to accuse her of cheating. But it really hurts me. And I'm always the bad guy. Even if I'm trying to just say "It upset me that you went and had breakfast with that guy."
You might just have to accept her thinking your're a dick until she gets used to it.
Seems like she doesn't have a good understanding of the words "controlling" or "overbearing".
She just wants someone who doesn't give a shit at all and says yes to everything.
I think you should be stricter with her. Because scenario A:
>Anon, can I have just one smoke?
>No, you'll ruin your progress.
>God, you're so controlling. It's just one smoke.
and scenario B:
>Anon, can I have just one smoke?
>Okay fine, but just one.
>Ugh, I can't believe I did that. Now I have to start all over.
Either you say yes or no, she's still asking you which means she's seeking out some sort of justification for her actions through you. So no matter what you say, some blame will fall on you, especially for something like quitting smoking where it can stress you out when trying to curb the habit. It's kind of like playing the victim card when you confront her about it; she'll say she felt like you were forcing her to quit so she relapsed and started or that you weren't supportive enough.
Now this is all possible scenarios based on what you've described so far so hopefully it won't come to this. Also what you say in this post >>16658354 doesn't really help your girlfriend appear in a better light. Because personally I'm very chill and trusting when it comes to my SO hanging out with the opposite sex or whatever but you did mention her cheating history.
>>I don't think anyone could blame me for being skeptical when she does this kind of stuff
Normally, I'd say "don't worry too much, this is your first relationship, live and learn" but the cheating four times is pretty bad man.
Things like you feeling a bit iffy about her hanging around exes and guys too often and not being able to talk to her about it without you always being
>the bad guy
are signs that aren't really that great. You can't bring up issues about you being uncomfortable for her sake? So you just have to ride the relationship out where she gets to do whatever and you have to keep your mouth shut? That seems really unfair. And for anyone who's reading and I come across as a "fuck that bitch" kind of mentality, please know that's not my intention. (1/2)
But OP, relationships need communication. And your SO wants to do stuff without you being "controlling" or questioning her which is unfair given her past. Now that's not to say everyone doesn't make mistakes, but she has to realize that she needs to build trust with you. In a normal relationship, I'd say both parties have credited trust that can be broken when they decide to cheat. However in your situation, you have someone who has a repetitive history of cheating and making you feel guilty for addressing these issues. So I'd say sit down and talk about it.
Also you mentioned that it's your first relationship but I think you're doing a good job of listening to your gut and instincts. Does this mean your girlfriend is already cheating? Of course not, but if you're 4-5 months into this relationship, it's time to have some serious talks. And if that ruins the relationship, just by the mere chance of you guys trying to work things out, it's not meant to be. Because if you can't have a mature conversation about both your issues, you feeling uncomfortable and her actions/guilt-tripping, then what are y'all gonna do later down the road when things get more serious and you guys have bigger issues to tackle?
Just my two cents. Sorry for the essay and if you'd like to provide more examples and details, I'm here to listen and help as I much as I can.
You don't want girls like that.
My ex, cheated on all her old boyfriends, and she was open about that. But she always made me feel, like I was different, special (sound familiar?)
'How could I cheat when I have someone like you'
'You're the only one I could ever want!'
Sound familiar? It's all bullshit.
I took it hook line and sinker because of my ego and then I found out she was cheating on me.
Spare yourself op
Thanks Anon I really appreciate it. I should also mention that my girlfriend has been in alot of relationships. I don't know the exact number. But I can confidently say the majority went well with no cheating, it's probably a 4:7 or 4:8 ratio. I've been keeping these feelings to myself mostly because I want to show her I trust her, which I do, which isn't easy at all given her past. We were introduced to eachother by some mutual friends. And they both told me not to get my hopes up, I've made posts about her on other boards just as a passing mention and most people have repeated the same thing as >>16658422 and I'm fucking terrified that if I allow myself to get too emotionally involved with this girl. I may end up royally fucking myself in the long run when she goes off and does something. So I guess I'm asking whether I should have some level of emotional detachment in this relationship to spare my feelings in the event that she cheats on me, or if I should just go for broke?
Here's thing thing anon: you're attached to her. You love her, you want her to have nice things and be happy and have a nice life- and in your mind, part of that nice life, is you, of course.
So, when you guys break up, it's gonna hurt, and it's going to hurt BAD.
Breaking up with her now, will be a lot, lot, easier than in 3 years when you find out she's been cheating on you.
It's no problem anon. If I may ask, what age are you and your SO? Are you guys employed, in school, etc.? Just trying to get a better idea of your situation. Also if you don't want to read this whole essay, I've given each point a tl;dr.
And it's great that you say you trust her, but when you become overwhelmed with feelings of uneasiness due to her past and current actions, I would say that trust has a weak foundation. >tl;dr - I'm sorry if this sounds accusing or not something you may want to hear but it seems you're "trusting" her just for the sake of making her and yourself believe that you are.
>So I guess I'm asking whether I should have some level of emotional detachment in this relationship to spare my feelings in the event that she cheats on me,
You can do that if you want. As the other anons have expressed, it will hurt less if you do so. However this is your first relationship, and first ones always hurt no matter what because they're your first impression of what it feels like to be with someone, trust and maybe even love them, and then suddenly not have them in your life anymore. Also as a fair warning, I have done this and it is only a matter of time before your SO picks up on it.
>tl;dr - Being emotionally distant or detached can also contribute to breaking the relationship but it does not grantee you will not feel hurt afterwards.
>or if I should just go for broke?
If you want anon, you can end it now or soon. No matter what you do, you'll have regrets; "oh I should've just trusted her and see how it turned out" or "I can't believe she ended up cheating on me even though she promised it'd be different", etc.
And you know what, maybe there'll even be a chance it works out. Maybe you'll end up with another girl who never cheated in her life but ends up cheating on you. Sorry if this is just making you feel worse and panic more but my point is there are not guarantees in life and especially in relationships. (1/2)
>tl;dr - It's up to you to decide what chances are worth taking and always know that there are no guarantees.
Life is fucked in a way that you don't know what will happen and how it things will play out. Maybe it will for your favour and maybe not. In this situation, speaking statistically, cheaters are known to cheat again while loyal partners tend to remain that way. But there are people who can change or end up making mistakes like everyone else can.
>tl;dr - Personally, I'd recommend you talk it out with her and if you feel it would be best, to break things off.
I really wish your first relationship was a bit more gentle in terms of the situation at hand but it could've hurt even if you ended up with a perfect girl and things didn't end up working out anyways. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a downer and jumping from one negative scenario to another, but because this is your first relationship, I just want you to be mentally prepared for anything that can come your way.
I'll be lurking in case you have more you want to talk about.
Thanks Anon I really appreciate it, I'll be seeing her tomorrow, so I'll try talking to her about it and bringing up my grievances. I may do a follow up thread if this one dies by then. I really appreciate all the advice everyone, It helps a ton.
It's better to be honest about your feelings than to bottle them up and watch them explode.
You don't have to go into detail about anything, just keep repeating yourself.