>considering breaking up with bf
>gonna be extremely hard choice
>been together 5 years
>passion is still kinda there
>but bf's attitude has been declining for like 2 years
>gotten to the point where he constantly puts me down if he's in a bad mood
>especially if I didn't cause it, just takes it out on me
>says rude things about my life, my possessions, the money I make
>we're youngish (mid 20s), I'm in college and work part time, not like I make good money
I've attempted talking about. I told him I feel pretty unappreciated by him because he seems so angry all the time. I asked me what I'm talking about because we go on dates. Yea, we go out once a week to dinner and do an activity. I don't ask he always wants to go. We kinda have fun and chat. But other than that, he's constantly in a bad mood from his job, and still taking it out on me. I feel like I've been riding this wave of negativity too long. I also feel so nervous about breaking it off. The bottom line is, I'm unhappy, and if my boyfriend's attitude doesn't change, I just can't be here.
More recently, he's been saying things that worry me. Like how he's in control, how he has me wrapped around his finger. How I should be serving him on hand and foot. He says it in such a half joking way that I can't even tell if he's serious anymore, but paired with the way he's been acting, I'm fairly sure he means it.
I want to talk to my friend about this, but I'm not sure if I should. This has been my first friend in a long time, but she's been friend with my boyfriend for about 15 years. And, she also thinks our relationship is perfect. When really, my bf rude to me in private and he's told me not to ever say anything to her. But I feel like she'd probably give me some advice and support I need. I just need some female support right now.
If I tell her, do you think she'd actually offer me some advice? Or would she just straight up tell my bf everything I said? I just really need to reach out to someone real.
Hey girl, that's not a pleasant situation you are in at all. Do you have somebody else you could talk to? Your mom? Even a therapist?!
Can you give some more examples of the things your bf did that didn't feel right?
I have my mom, but I'm just too guilt stricken to tell her all the things I've been through in this relationship. While most moms wouldn't judge, please believe me when I say my mom would. She's not a helpful support. I don't have a therapist and my best friend from high school and I have recently drifted because of our work and school hours.
My boyfriend has always been sarcastic and morbidly funny. But whenever he's in a bad mood, he's just slowly started making me the butt of every joke. He was once friends with my brother, but they are arguing now. My bro is also not in a good place (diagnosed with mental illness, drinking issues). So he'll complain about something, then compare it to my brother. He even said that his issues with my brother (that have nothing to do with me) makes him like me less. He said that about a year ago.
Other than that, he's generally emotionally unavailable. If I had a bad day and just need to vent, he's just started laughing at me and teasing me.
He said that my car is shit. I'm near graduating and I'm excited. He just gets angry when I start talking about it. He had to put school on hold to work, so it frustrates him. But he just takes it out on me instead of at least being happy for me?
On top of that, he wants me to be an emotional rock for him. Whenever he's in a bad mood I have to do everything for him, from making food to sex to folding his clothes. I used to do those things because I wanted to and to feel appreciated, but now that he makes me feel like I have to or he'll be mad at me, it's lost all of it's fun.
I also fear that if I don't tell at least one person the reason why i'm leaving, he'll make something up to save himself from shame.
We went on a break once because of something nasty he did to me about 4 years ago. He told all his friends an extremely vague story about how the reason we broke up was because of me.
Also, if I break up with him what do I even say. I want the reasons to be brought to his attention, but I feel like if I bring up issues, it will somehow lead to an argument that somehow makes me stay.
So if anyone has an idea of what I could do, that'd be great. I've considered breaking up through text just because I wouldn't physically be with him. But that feels like such a horrid way to end something that I've had with someone for so long.
I think you should tell him straight up that ur fed up with his shit. He's honestly being really unfair and you'd definitely be better off if he doesn't clean up his act. Asking the female friend for advice would also be a bad idea too imo. People are snakes and it's possible she thinks you guys are perfect is because she secretly wants what you have?
Oh wow. What you do is you get out of that asap. That's not a good relationship - at all!
And you don't worry about this
For a single second. It doesn't matter. If he wants to he can make up the most ridiculous stories. The people that matter will know the truth and the rest can go fuck themselfe.
Get your courage up and leave fucking NOW
Opening up to the mutual friend is a judgement call. Even odds that she comes down on one side or the other, it'd be better if she could remain objective about it, but a lot of people can't do that.
Outside of that snag, well, it seems like the biggest issue is your bf's job. It's obviously making him unhappy and clearly putting a damper on the relationship as a whole. Is it something he could change? Would finding a new job be entirely out of the question, even in the long run? If he's married to the job, then the question becomes can you really live like this. But that's on you. If you can't get your bf's job situation better, and he can't reel in his attitude on his own (both things you should discuss with him by the way), then it's time to have the conversation with yourself about what you need to do to be happy. And if the answer is leave him, so be it.
I honestly did a week ago. We got into an argument over it. I ended up apologizing. I just lost it when he was being emotionally unavailable again. I started bawling and said he's just not there for me.
He told me that "it's not part of my personality, and you're just trying to change who I am." Seems like such a shit way to deal with something. He wasn't always this way.
I know and I've told him this. I've helped him find opportunities to leave it, but he doesn't. He doesn't even need to work. His family is wealthy and gladly pays all his bills. He wanted money for on the side to pay for material items and for us to go out. But I don't know why he stays. He's saved up over 15k from this job, but wants to make more for some reason.
Even then, if we stayed together longer, and some other thing in his life was unsatisfactory, he'd still react this way. I really think he is just prone to take out anger on things closest to him.
You don't have the selfesteem for a proper breakup. You need to get out of this in a npnconfrontional and low key style or else you will cave in and stay. And then things will go south even faster.
You could write him a letter, pack yout things, go far away and cut every way of him reaching out to you. I know it's not the way to go about it, but it's seriously important you get out of that and not let yourself get talked over to stay again and again.
Fucking hell lady, I feel for you. Your boyfriend sounds like a royal fuckwad.
Firstly, Do you guys live together? If so, do you have anywhere you could go if you did break up with him? Do you know how he might react?
It might be an idea to test the water and make it a very possible reality that you will leave him. I was once like him because I was punishing my girlfriend for fucking up in our relationship. It took me years, a lot of patience, persistence and on occasion, the possibility of losing her for real. We're now engaged after 6 years. But that took a lot of pain and tears.
So that's a possibility.
Otherwise, I really don't think this could work without him having a sudden change of personality. Even then, he could regress back into this. I know it's painful to consider it, but you really need to distance yourself from him. This is an unhealthy relationship and I'm sure you know that. If there is anywhere you could stay that sets a clear and strong boundary between you two, I would suggest that. Pack your shit, talk to him about how you feel, tell him you need a LOT of time to think. If he even says one depreciative thing about you, just go.
We do not live together so that's a relief. I live with my dad, but I'm too afraid to tell my dad. He'll be super pissed and possibly escalate things. I did tell him that my bf and I are kinda at a crossroad, but didn't go into detail.
I know my boyfriend will just completely ignore me if I broke up with him. Which honestly doesn't sound half bad right now, but I can't help but feel like I'd still have a longing with him. And the worst part is, I know that he'd do that to manipulate me. There's no way that this will end gracefully. He likely won't go all psycho and obsessive on me. Just emotionally "punish" me as he did when we went on our break a few years ago. Then it desperately makes me want to fix things. And he knows that makes me stay "wanting" him.
Also, the fact that he is so hot and cold with me makes it really hard to leave. One day he's super affectionate and loving, the next he is making fun of me and hurting my feelings. I know some part of him loves me. But he's so just emotionally stupid and impulsive and apathetic. He never thinks about what he says, never thinks about how it may affect someone. And I'm tired of excusing my happiness to that.
It's like the whole relationship revolves around him.
It's not that his feelings come before mine if we were to break up, it's that I fear what kind of loneliness and manipulation he'd put me through if I leave.
I know that's the only thing stopping me is me. But it's not that I care about his feelings being hurt or unhurt, I just don't want to be manipulated and I don't want to be made fun of. Because even after we break up, I know our circle of mutual friends will take his side. No one will know the truth. And I personally don't know if I can emotionally handle that.
I can't get up and leave, I'm so tied to my work and my college. I don't want to lose that.
So it's emotional abuse. You just gotta drop him. Since you know how you might react, and the hold he has on you, it might be an idea to prepare in advance for you dumping him. My advice would be to maybe delve into a new hobby, take a trip away from your area or start learning something new. That way you can keep yourself occupied whenever you feel like going back.
And talk to someone. Talk to your dad. Yeah he may get super pissed, but he's there to support you. Just tell him you don't want him to do anything but listen.
OP, it sounds like you know the answer already.
He is slowly becoming more and more emotionally abusive to you. This will only worsen. With those types of guys, it's because they get too comfortable..and the more they get away with the further they start pushing it. He's already seen that he can come home and take a shit on you and you'll take it.
He's already seen that he can tell you not to tell others what he's doing to you and that you'll obey. He's right. He IS in control. Now either you take the control of your own fucking life back and you woman the fuck up and leave or you stay like a brainless mouse quivering by his side for the rest of your life. That's really all it is. Stay or go. Face years of negativity or cleanse your life and move on to a life with a lot less stress/egg-shell walking.
You're his girlfriend, not his mom or his therapist or his punching bag. If you stay, then it's your own fault. Also, don't talk to his friend. She'll probably snitch and he'll punch your face in. Talk to your own family members about it first and foremost.
So I just got hit with some bad news. Of course the worst timing ever.
It was a month of struggle for my dad and I. He's between paychecks and we're still catching up from christmas. We're slightly under for rent. We know no one in the area.
We're about to hit the eviction deadline and he begged me to ask my boyfriend for 80 dollars and I'd pay him back this weekend.
And I had to call my bf and ask him right now. I asked him and he said yes. But he was such an asshole about it. This never happens. The first time I ever asked him for money. And he said the worst things about me again. And I know he will bring this up when I break up with him.
I'll have to postpone the break up until after I pay him back.
Alright then. But this really has to be it. You can't find anymore excuses or reasons to stay. In your head, you should consider yourself single at this point. It's just a matter of letting him know when he's single too. Remember, this will only get worse no matter how good/angelic you are.
and no amount of money will ever be worth enduring emotional abuse as the scars tend to take very very long to heal the deeper they cut.
I know this threw me off and caught me between a rock and a hard place. I almost wanted to tell my dad that I was breaking up with him and couldn't ask him. But then we'd be fucked.
I'm still sticking to breaking up. No matter what. I know this will just be another thing used against me. I know my boyfriend will try use this to say that he's good to me and I'm just freaking out. But if someone helps you out financially, but still treats you like shit, they're still pretty shitty.
I only make like 700 per month and get paid bimonthly. A bunch of financial issues this month landed me in the negative and I asked my dad to let me pay rent on the 10th when I get paid.
My dad had just the right amount for rent and gets paid this weekend, but a bill hit his account today. My dad's not rich but makes enough to be middle class. But I don't know what he spent all his money on. Likely from christmas splurging
Yeah. A gf/bf/spouse lending you money shouldn't come with any kind of grudges. You love them afterall, right? It should be no big deal at all, anything for your little love bucket. but if they're acting like a fucking brat over 80 measly dollars than not only do they not love you that much but they're cheap as shit. They should understand the situation and that it's awkward for your father to even have to ask.
A normal loving SO wouldnt have copped an attitude like that.
So sell your stuff. This weekend I cleaned out all my books and took them to half price books, got $40 for them all. Clean your house. Find shit you don't use. Sell it somewhere.
Don't ask your shit boyfriend for money.
I know, but we're not talking about normal bf/gfs. We're talking about my shitty emotionally abusive boyfriend who uses these things to dangle my hardships in front of me.
I called to ask and he scoffed and said "So, you need my money... or you're homeless..." and acted like he was pondering. He's just turned into such a fucking asshat. Can't take anything seriously for one moment. I'm even further done than I was before.
I have nothing of value that will sell at 7pm on a thursday night. My dad has to go to his bank at work tomorrow, and needs it tonight.