If you're dating a girl who has been cheated on, abused, made to feel worthless etc, how exactly do you convince her you're not like that?
Obviously opinions from women who have experienced this is more useful.
You can't. But actions speek louder than words. Just try to be the best bf you can. It won't help her to shower her with compliments. She won't believe you anyway. Instead of telling her she's beautiful. Make her feel how attractive you think she is. You know, random hugging/kissing/maybe even groping.
Instead of telling her how awesome she is, show her by being proud of her. Go that extra mile to make her feel valued and special. She will be floored. You know, that cheesy stuff: surprise her with roses. Drive 2 hours just to see her fo a few hours. When you wake up next to her, tell her you love the way she looks when she just woke up. Send her random "thinking of you" messages. Stuff like that.
try helping her for 4 years and find out she cheats on you at that point because "things were so hard" when she had to move a couple hours away... because a great person (me) couldn't help a shitty person heal, as they clearly weren't mature enough to not do it on their own. fuck op, i was in my teens. now i'm 24 and my life's shit because i tried to accomplish what you're trying to. even if she's not immature, she's clearly not ready for a relationship. you want to be the best person you can be here? tell her that and don't start a relationship until she's ready. due to the fact that she isn't now, jumping into one is just going to probably mix her up more like it did with my gf
Sorry anon, but why do you assume that op's gf isn't ready now? He only said that she had bad experiences in the past. Obviously, that's not always easy even when she's been working on it.
to be clear, i wasn't trying to come off as bitter or projecting. just wanted to give a personal perspective. not that you thought that, i just hate nonverbal communication and no one would explain themselves like i just did without being angry and shit but i was trying to say what can happen, not what will happen. but the fact is if you don't respect and love yourself, you can't and don't love and respect others (fully). if you don't have it in yourself to not feel worthless because of abuse or being cheated on, that's one thing. if you don't have it in yourself to trust another person who says you are worth something enough to get past what happened, then you aren't ready for a relationship. this is why i see it as a help yourself situation. its hard to think that things really pan out to being about self-love and respect at first, but these principles are ones i cannot refute. i definitely dont want him to just give up per-say, but until she takes that step, it's not fair for either to be in the relationship from my perspective
You are right. But what you said essentially encourages him to give up on her. Who does have a perfect selfesteem?
Maybe she needs somebody that cares about her to be able to get over that last mile.
I can only speak for myselfe, but in my case, my bf's a real hero. I know it's not easy for him and i try my best to work on myselfe. But those things need a lot of energy and time. And having somebody to stand by your side trough it all is an unimaginable huge gift. And sometimes a hug or a kiss can make all the difference in the world. I was essentially working on it all alone the past 10 years. I can't believe it myselfe how much progress i've already made thanks to him.
>Met a wonderful girl like this last year (distrustful of men, hurt in the past)
>Dating her now
>Together at my apartment for Christmas, she said "I'm so lucky I met you, why do I even deserve you"
>I'm cheating on her and have been for the past 6 months
I want to die.
i did the same for my gf, and she basically got to the hump with my help in those 4 years but never surpassed it. like i said but didn't stress enough, just because she isn't ready now due to not being able to love herself enough or respect him enough to trust him (the red flag i should have seen and waited to start my relationship with my ex after), it doesn't mean she's worth giving up on. it just means she isn't ready for a relationship, and he can help with that while waiting for her to be. it's not like she's a bad person here, it's just the fact if she doesn't respect him enough to trust that she's worth something, she's not ready to be with him. not ever, just yet
Ok. I have to admit that i'm not talking about a girl with "normal" problems like trust issues because she got cheated on. I talk about issues that have built up due to heavy physical and psychological abuse over years and since earliest childhood. If she got cheated on and now tells you she can't trust you because of the shit someboy else did, now that's something you shouldn't put up with. It's unfair, immature and egoistical to not trust somebody that never gave you a reason to be sceptical about their loyalty.
You can't, just love her and give her proof everyday. Build a relationship based on trust, she'll trust you over time. It's gonna be hard at the beginning but it's often like with people with trust issues. She'll trust u in a few months.
It's simple quit cheating.
Don't go over the top just keep doing what your doing don't ever tell her that's is your burden and price to pay.
Look lady the reason anyone will tell op to bail is
It's to much effort to fix a sinking ship
op is offering a life raft but this lady is suicidal. why help?
You say she needs a bit of love but what has she done to merit this love.
Op is dense and this is probably the only pussy he has a chance.
He doesn't realize that there are girls out there that are less jaded.
If she moves on op will help if not op must do the smart thing and not waste his time.
Wow, you are very negative anon.
Why should she be a sinking ship? Maybe she's more like a phoenix? Who said she's suicidal?
Why would she leaf him behind after he has loved her whilst she couldn't?
Maybe she has a lot to give. Maybe she's a wonderful girl trough it all?
I'm a dude but my gf was sexually and physically abused by her father throughout her childhood, and it left some pretty big scars in her life (both physical and psychological).
My advice to you, like another anon said: Actions speak louder than words.
Just be a steady, consistent rock, that tries to be understanding, and stable. Don't be a pushover, and don't force things. Just be there, always, to provide support and reassurance for her to lean on if she needs it, but also let her stand on her own when she needs to.
Treat her like the special person you think she is, but don't coddle and smother her like she's an invalid who can't fend for herself.
Ultimately, when people are damaged in that way, what they need to learn first is to trust and believe in their own judgments, long before they can learn to trust others. Your role is to facilitate that.
All of this only applies if SHE'S ready. If she's not, there's nothing you can do.
See all of this is because you were in this previous predicament and you feel like this is the same with op your relating to much to the situation.
I'm thinking with pragmatism
The fact is she's already a Debby downer. Thats a bad start.
Do you know that the bird your quoting is mythical.
Op look at this chick and be honest is she mythical?
The suicidal metaphor was there to insinuate that op is giving a had that she seems to reject.
Other less jaded girls out there why put all your eggs in this crappy basket when there better one s out there with less initial efforts.
Why would she leave him? Lol lady women leave men all the time for stupider things. If anything she's more likely to leave him. She's not all right in the head right now.
She isn't showing she's a wonderful girl we can't assume she is or isn't so we must play detective and she's not looking to hot.
Op if she's pretty and nice just realize that is cool to fuck a chick but it's not enough to date one.
Ask yourself this what does she offer aside from pussy and companionship?You will be amazed what some girls offer and how little others do.
A chick who's a sad sap
Or a happier chick.
The first one either rejects or clings cause of distress the second is ok and she's sees your offer and willingly accepts it without bs in her mind.