Just a forewarning that this post may be a bit long winded. If you don't want to read more than a couple sentences, then please move [If you choose to stay because you have nothing to do and choose to troll, that is on you] along otherwise here we go:
I'm a 21 year old, diagnosed with depression when I was 11, not sure I ever healed. Was in therapy/took meds for awhile but stop maybe two or three years ago and I'm not really sure why.
Anyways flash-forward to now I've "had" about 3 jobs now; All fast food/customer service jobs, which I left around the first month every time. I'm not really a people person. I wouldn't say I'm shy, just that dealing with people stresses/drains me. Now I found a job as a Night Clerk at a local grocer which suits me just fine. No customers, no rush.
Lately, the past few months to be more specific, I've been feeling really depressed for no reason. Not catatonic, but maybe half way there. I feel no joy about anything. I don't feel like doing anything. Usually I just stay in my room and play video games but I haven't even felt like doing that. I don't even feel like getting out of bed these days. I don't want to do anything.
I feel like I don't even want to go to my job which is finally something I can tolerate but I just feel so...dead...inside if you'll pardon the drama of that sentence. I feel as though it would be easier simply to just "die." I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
Can anyone relate to me? What can I do to get past this mental fog? What should I do in regards to my job and...well, my life? I don't have friends to talk to, no supportive people.
Help, if you can.
I am unable to form bonds with people. It never lasts. To be honest, I'm not even sure I have it in me to look for that "someone" anymore. I live with my father but he's doesn't understand what I'm going through. I've tried--many times--to talk to him but I may as well be talking to a wall in regards to depression.
It sounds to me like you need to start going to therapy again if you can. I have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety myself (thankfully both under control at the moment). When I went back to therapy after having stopped for about 5 years, I said to my new doc "I just don't know why I feel this way sometimes". He raised his eyebrows and said very matter of factly "it's because you have depression."
I'm sorry if this all sounds really obvious, but it was hard for me to see when I was in that state of mind. You're sick and you're currently not in treatment for your illness, thus your symptoms are creeping back. If you had a back problem and stopped taking your pain pills and going to physical therapy, your pain would come back. Same goes for many people with depression.
I'm a fresh 18 year old fag
Really socially awkward
Not sure if mild depression or something serious
I'm not interested in women at all
Not gay or anything
I'm studying for an electrical engineering course that I have no interest in anymore and planning to drop out but dunno how to break the news to the old folk
No one ever listens to me
I too rather to be talking to a wall about depression than explain to my family
All I have left on the outside is 1 close friend
We play vidya together and that seems to get me to forget about my shitty existence for quite sometime
I occupy myself with vidya for hours just to get away from my family.
>hope its not too lengthy
I'm trying to contact the office of my psychologist-- have been for the past 2 hours and no fucking answer. The office closes at 5pm and it's damn near 4. Honestly...I don't even know what the feel at this point. It's like this EVERYTIME. I can never get a hold of someone when I need it. Christ.
Towards the end of my 10 years of depression I began to actually fantasize about suicide. I used to daydream about shielding some kid who was about to get shot by a spree killer so I would finally get to die but not have to leave my daughter or parents with the pain and stigma of taking my own life. The antidepressants didn't help a bit and talking with a therapist was pretty much just throwing money away. Instead I pursued a hedonistic and ultimately unfulfilling life of drugs, sex, and the pursuit of money and power. I searched and searched and never had any purpose. I read books on being successful but never had the burning desire or even anything remotely resembling ambition. The more I lived, the more I felt dead. Then one day, I got on my knees and prayed, I asked God to forgive my sins, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and he took all of my pain. My drug addictions, alcoholism, crippling depression, self destructive ways, all of it. He literally spoke with me that day OP, I hope I see you on the other side brother.
Can you leave a message? If not, go in person tomorrow to set up an appointment. It's nothing personal my friend. I work in the healthcare industry and can tell you that behavioral health offices are swamped more than any other. But they will help you and get you in.
Yep, I can totally relate.
In your shoes, I'd consider resuming both medication and therapy.
Been battling severe depression for about 20 years now; there were times when I'd get weary of the meds and the side effects and quit them cold turkey, which resulted in me gradually descending into a state of overwhelming physical lethargy as well as emotional and mental paralysis, to the point where hospitalization was necessary.
From what you're describing, it seems that you're having an acute depressive episode and could do with some professional help.
Sure, resuming pharmacotherapy won't be a walk in the park, but meds can really do a lot to alleviate symptoms such as brain fog, lack of drive, numbness, etc.
I'd give it another shot if I were you.
Also, here are some online tools that can help you maintain basic self care & assess and monitor your health status:
Best of luck to you!
20 year old guy here, living a similar lifestyle and mindset as you, so I can somewhat relate. Not diagnosed with depression on paper because I never went to a shrink about it (it was almost a decade ago). I understand what you mean about the crippling deppression coming over you randomly, I can feel it too sometimes although mine usually lasts until a day or so. It feels like everyone and everything in the world is against me and my life is pretty much pointless, in a nutshell. All I can say is that things will get better, this probably feels somewhat meaningless to you in your condition, but nothing stays the same forever. I cannot say how long this crisis of yours is going to last but you musn't give up. The worst thing you can do is overthink this.
From your description I'd guess you're an introvert rather than an extrovert person. In that case you musn't set your expectations too high about social life, a solitary lifestyle probably feels more natural to you. Stay strong, focus on the work you're doing rather than the people around you if that's possible, go out with your friend more, and evertually you will find a goal in life to work towards to.
Well I need to get in contact with my therapist first then maybe talk with my father since he pays for the drugs. I just feel I'm a heap of flesh. Shit, no better than the walking dead.
Don't. Don't go back to the meds, anon. I'm 27 and I've battled depression ever since I was a young child. My mother had postpartum depression and I think that's where mine started. Most of my family members battled/battle some form of mental illness. I took meds for about 8 years of my life, and deciding to quit was a huge decision. My biggest motivation came from watching my relatives who had been taking meds for over 20 years of their lives. None of them were happy. I was so scared of becoming like them. I knew then I had to find some other way. I have been heavily scolded for it but I don't regret it one bit. It took me a while to adjust to the withdrawal but I finally feel like me. I still have ups and downs but self acceptance is slowly coming in. I know depression will always be with me, but slowly I am learning to cope and not let it become my enemy.
When it cripples in I know I need change. The kind of deep internal introspective change only you can give yourself. Meds are only for accute episodes, states of psychosis and the likes. All meds ever did for me was this: they stop the flow of feelings. They made me not care about not having feelings at all. They made me find docile numbness my only comfort. You think you don't feel a thing, OP? That's actually your strenght. You actually feel A LOT. And this crazy influx of feelings is making you a bit fucked in the head. That's normal. It isn't an easy thing to cope at all. You have to go the opposite way. You are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. You seem like a rather sweet guy and I belive in you. No amount of chemical modifications will change who I am, for I am not only body. Do you believe in that, OP? If so and you want to talk I can give you a throwaway skype. There is always another way.
I like your spirit, Anon. I really do. Reading all of that gave me a bit of hope. I still feel like shit, though. The way you described meds....I don't feel like doing anything. I feel "dead inside" and If I took meds I'd feel more or less the same. You have strength and I thought I did too. I'd go for months just going with it and "manning up" but in the end it all comes crashing down and I feel worse everytime. I don't even know If I care anymore. Why fight it?
I haven't been diagnosed with depression, partly because we didn't bother with me going to a Psychiatrist. Anyways, same boat; been working since I was 16 and pretty much same as you are, same routine, have to deal with bullshit customers. I don't hang out much with my co workers, but we do get along fine and sometimes go out, occasionally. I usually try to get in contact with my friends from school. They're pretty cool and don't think much about hanging out, but yes, some days do get harder, and harder. I just spend my days watching sitcoms and playing videos, but it's not enough.
I'm in a similar boat as you, OP. Deadend job, no friends, no realistic pursuits or passions. I've never had any sort of diagnosis or treatment for my conditions. I've been able to self-medicate with weed in recent years and just fight off the worst of it by myself before that, but the mental fog comes and goes in waves. Some days I feel like I'm going to conquer my life, finally, and other days I just want to disappear.
Even the worst conditions are made better with good company, and I think that's what you and I lack most crucially. It's been impossible to make friends since high school. I don't know why. I'm not nearly as close-minded as I used to be back then, and I'm far more desperate. Yet it seems like I'm always putting in all the effort towards new friendships, and it never pays off. Eventually the replies dry up. I think maybe other people have developed, dependable friendships that they take for granted, and assume the same of me. It's not true though, and I don't want to be a "pity friend" either.
tl;dr the secret to happiness is good friends, but I don't know how to make friends myself
How do you guys cope with daily boundaries such as hygiene?
I can't even keep myself cleaned, nor my room when I live alone.
I have no discipline at all, and that's one of my main problems.
If you have a smart phone then have a look at some of the habit-tracking apps that are available, that can be useful for persuading yourself to do things even when your motivation deserts you.
Also, mood tracking apps can be handy to keep tabs on yourself.
Look into it, try it, if they don't suit you then let them go.