Look like I'm stuck in work for another few hours without much to do.
So let's use the time to have a nice GoodGuyGreg's Advice Thread.
I'm a 24 year old regular guy from the Czech republic.
I've had the luck of having such life experience that taught me how to behave in many social situations.
I grew up in a hotel, which forced me to make new friends very quickly.
The high school I attended, with a 1:9: guys to girls ratio, taught me how to deal with girls.
The journalism course I attended in university taught me how to talk with anyone about pretty much anything.
I'm here to attempt to give socializing, dating, relationship, pick-up and nonverbal communication advice.
>Ask me anything
hey. I already asked about that but I kinda trust your opinion
if a guy wants to get drunk with me, does it mean he just wants to get into my pants? also is it even possible he's just being friendly??
The first rule of a healthy relationship is honesty. None of these are weaknesses, if you hid any of the stuff you described, you'd just be lying.
I really don't see inside peoples heads. But in my opinion, it usually means he'd like to get drunk with you.
Do you want to sleep with him?
Met a girl years ago in undergraduate. We're both in grad school in other states. Gotta say she's the only one I've really felt concern for and I really like her. Even though our lives seem to be diverging, I would jump at the first opportunity to be together, yet I don't think she feels the same (though we are pretty close).
Not really sure what kinda advice I'm after. But I feel no interest in anyone else. To the point where if things don't work out with her pursuit of another down the line doesn't even remotely interest me, it really does feel like just her.
I'm 25, so while I'm young, I balanced more out (experiences, hormonally); is this a signal that I've found the one (or best one under circumstances) or no?
Let's start with this
>I'm 25, so while I'm young, I balanced more out (experiences, hormonally);
No you are not. You might think you are, but you just aren't at your age. (and neither am I BTW)
>s this a signal that I've found the one (or best one under circumstances) or no?
There is no such thing as the one.
There are many and many more girls that you could be happy with.
Why specifically do you feel like you'd never find a girl for you if it didnt work out with this one.
>We're both in grad school in other states
In my opinion, LDRs are just glorified online friendships.
Humans need physical intimacy (don't confuse this with sex) to maintain a relationship.
>We're both in grad school in other states
In my personal opinion, long distance relationships are just glorified online friendships
>no, but I wouldn't mind if he made a move
Pick one. Seriously.
How do you look?
Well, I'm more balanced than I was a few years ago. So while I'm sure there's more to go; I'm better now than I was.
>There is no such thing as the one.
I agree, which is why I added the parenthetical comment
>Why this one?
We see eye to eye, want the same things out of life, I find her insanely attractive and just feel a warmth around her. Great sense of humor too.
You didn't answer the question I asked you, you answer the question you thought I was going to ask you.
So once again, this time in greentext for clarity:
>Why specifically do you feel like you'd never find a girl for you if it didnt work out with this one.
>Why specifically do you feel like you'd never find a girl
Oh, forgot this part:
Apathy is my worst vice, this one inspires me to care and be better. Things feel kinda hollow without her around. It truly feels like this:
>There are many and many more girls that you could be happy with.
Is not true.
There's one sticking point where we don't see eye to eye. She wants kids and I really don't. However, I can actually see having them with her, while I don't with anyone else. Granted that's because I haven't met them, but that's true of anyone who gets hitched that there could always be something better.
>There are many and many more girls that you could be happy with.
>Is not true.
Actually it is.
Just because this is the first girl that makes you feel this way, doesnt mean there won't be others.
All of this just shows how actually inexperienced you are, specially when it comes to dealing with yourself and not just the problems around you. (I guessing)
Seriously, you sound like a 16 year old that fell in love for the first time and think it's the "one love" forever.
First one that makes me feel this way =/= first I've had experience with, which is why the others that came before and after gave me this as a frame of reference.
>specially when it comes to dealing with yourself and not just the problems around you.
Is a wild assumption, also:
>Seriously, you sound like a 16 year old that fell in love for the first time and think it's the "one love" forever.
This is your confirmation bias, as I have mirrored and headed off your assumptions before you typed them had you paid closer attention to my words. Your advice is sound-byte and just comes from your own mind's echo-chamber.
Hey G, been wanting to ask you this for a while.
Have you ever encountered a highly motivated person, willing to do anything, that simply cannot do something, no matter how much he or she tries? In my case, write the damn resume+cover letter.
It's like I've got a hypnotic suggestion in my head. I spend half an hour researchign a job, open up word to write down what needs to be written, and... stop. Suddendly everythig is better, the thought of ramming toothpicks under my nails is more appealing than writing that stuff down. I've thrown up a few times. It's not nerves, I can recount everything about my life to anyone who asks, but just sending that resume in is proving... difficult.
You obviously don't want to listen to me and I can't really make you take my advice.
I have told you my opinions, it's up to you to make the decision.
>I've thrown up a few times. It's not nerves
I'd suggest you ask someone else to do it for you.
Care to show a picture? But usually, you just pick a single guy, ask if he'd like to go to your place and there you make a move.
It's not about age, it's about maturity and what you two want from a relationship.
In this particular situation it's something along the lines of:
I don't want to make a move myself, but if he makes the move, I'll go with it.
The reasoning behind it?
Can be many things, from what: >>15343850 said (I don't want to feel like a slut) to the basic fear of rejection.
There is a pretty big difference between being promiscuous (I have sex when I want to) to being a slut (I have sex when others want to)
I work at a high-end job, and am constantly worried about what my coworkers and boss think of me. It's making it hard to actually do my job. My boss has pointed out that I need to stop taking so much on, stop being so nervous all the time, and so on, but there doesn't seem to be a lot I can do about it as there's always a demand for tasks to get done correctly and on time.
Meanwhile, I'm living as more-or-less a shut-in who goes out for work and little else. I haven't had friends for years or know anyone in the region, (too shy to get out and meet anyone) don't really have any hobbies and have been largely wasting away in my apartment after work. Things weren't any different back home.
I need to get out of this. I've tried forcing myself cold-turkey to go to parties and wander around aimlessly, and this was a pretty miserable failure. I've tried spending money on expensive hobbies (e.g., flight lessons) and that only adds to the stress. I've tried seeking out therapy and that didn't really work either; the counselor didn't have anything useful to suggest and one of my managers sent a text of the form 'dude wtf where are you' while I was gone (despite sending out calendar notifications). I honestly have no idea how to proceed.
I think you are trying to do this with a bit too much of what I'd call "brute force"
You obviously need some interests and hobbies, but why start with the expensive ones?
Specially when those are usually pretty solitary and you obviously also need to find friends.
So, I'd first like to ask you a few questions okay?
What job do you do?
What skills do you have?
What stuff have you tried as hobbies and why did you didnt enjoy then (please list them all and specific reasons)?
What's the reason for your shyness?
Okay here it is
I took a class with this girl, we sometimes studied together and stuff. It was rare, and I could see she kind on liked me, I could see that she has a crush on me.
Anyways, semester passed. She saw me sat and came to me for a chat. She said that she tried texting me and that I should text her some time. She invited me to her place, we watched a movie and the time we spent was good. I text her thanking for watching my fav movie and stuff, I said that sometime we should go watch a movie, she likes the idea. Next day I text her and she ignores it. Try again next day and ask when is she free, and that i wanted to see her. She says that "she will see when she is free."
This girl had a major crush on me, the day of the movie was awesome, she came to me and hugged me and telling me to text her, but now she is playing the "hard to get" and I am not liking this. What should I do ?
>constantly worried about what my coworkers and boss think of me.
What are you worried what they will think?
Don't take on hobbies because they're expensive. Take them on because it makes you feel something.
For instance, Hiking and backpacking help me get away from Americanitis. There's nothing quite like sleeping under the stars and hearing the deafening silence with the occasional rustle of the wind.
It helps me get away, its a reprieve. It stems from a desire for the more simple.
In other words, I have a root cause to seek out this experience. Does flying give you a sense of contentment seeing the mountains from higher up than they themselves? Or was it because it cost a lot of money and its something to offhandedly mention during a business meeting. Catch my drift?
What stood out in the therapists session that made you feel "yea this is a waste of time"?
You don't necessarily have to not be a shut-in anymore. But exercise can help balance you hormonally to give you clearer vision to tackle these problems.
sounds like she wanted to hook up, you missed the slow pitch and she's uninterested. Now if you wanted to take it slow to develop a relationship you might as well tell her since your expectations don't seem to be matching up, otherwise you would have banged her and not been posting here.
I just got out of a really bad relationship that lasted for 5 years.
How do I go out there and meet new women again?
More importantly how do I trust these new women since the previous relationship ended with my gf cheating on me?
>how do I trust these new women
you just do.That's all you can do in fairness, and what is a relationship without benefit of the doubt and fairness?
Watch for warning signs and go with your gut. If you want someone of moral fiber, don't go to bars and places where self-indulgence festers, so take up religion.
as for where to meet them, online, or these places I mentioned. Its kinda just luck of the draw and keeping an open demeanor.
Hey Greg. How do I stop being a total autist with women?
Currently doing nofap, getting fit, looking into self improvement. I'm kind of insecure about my appearance. Some girls have thought I'm handsome, but I feel like I look ugly in most photos.
My main problem is that I'm too scared to talk to women. Help me out please?
>How do I go out there and meet new women again?
Sadly, there really isnt better advice then?
You just do.
If you could be more specific, then maybe I'd be able to point you in a more specific way.
>More importantly how do I trust these new women since the previous relationship ended with my gf cheating on me?
as does: >>15343976 say.
You jsut do, because judging people based on what a different person did? Well, that just silly.
Also, you should know that people in relationships just cheat very often. It's not something that should stop you from trusting people in general.
Maybe one day you will cheat (and please don't say "I'd never..."), it's not really something you usually plan, it's just something that happens.
Let's start here:
>Currently doing nofap
How will that help you? Seriously.
Sure why not.
>looking into self improvement
again, sure why not.
>Some girls have thought I'm handsome, but I feel like I look ugly in most photos
Show a picture, it's the only way you can know for sure.
>My main problem is that I'm too scared to talk to women.
Can you elaborate on this? Like describe exactly how you feel when you should talk to a girl and why exactly you feel that way?
I'm doing nofap because I'm addicted to porn. I know it sounds funny but it's true.
Whenever I want to talk to a girl I feel all nervous and tell myself I'm gonna do it in 30 min...and then I just keep procrastinating and never do it. I think its because I got rejected in a very humiliating way when I was 13.
One time I got drunk and got 3 girl's numbers in a single night. I worked up the nerve to call one of them but my nose started bleeding and I started choking on my words. I know about 5 girls that have had a crush on me, but I always made excuses in my head as to why I should'nt date any of those girls.
I might upload pics after taking a shower.
>I'm addicted to porn. I know it sounds funny but it's true.
It's not funny, it's a addiction like any other.
If you are addicted to porn, you should get rid of porn, not of masturbation.
Those two are very different things.
>Whenever I want to talk to a girl I feel all nervous and tell myself I'm gonna do it in 30 min...
>in 30 min
This is your issue. You need to stop saying I'll do it in 30 minutes, you need to stand-up and go do it.
> I got rejected in a very humiliating way when I was 13.
How old are you now?
So you are either 17 or 18 right now.
Well, honestly, you should have been able to deal with a rejection that happened 4 - 5 years ago dude.
If you are still hanging to it, maybe it's time to visit professional help.
Thanks for your response.
Software developer for Amazon in Seattle
Coding, technology, math, technical writing
Vidya: have been playing all sorts of games on and off since I was a kid. Used to do online multiplayer on occasion. Was a main tank for a guild in WoW seven or eight years back, but would never talk on Ventrilo or guild chat, and that caused problems. At one point I was running a Diablo II server for /v/. Eventually I lost time / interest. Now I mostly just watch others play and narrate game videos on YouTube. Lately I've been watching a lot of Animal Crossing LPs (essentially a game where the player runs errands for friendly neighbors, collects items and decorates their house).
Tabletop RPG: back when I was in college I tried going to a Pathfinder role-playing game once a week. The people there mostly tolerated me, but I could never really get into it. I'm not really that creative, and was worried whether I was annoying them or whatnot.
Cooking: if you're living in the rural Midwest, and you don't eat meat, you basically have to learn how to cook. It's a relaxing sort of hobby but I'm not very good at it, don't have anyone to eat with, and there's very little time after work so most ingredients I buy tend to spoil before I can use them.
Piano: parents bought me lessons when I was a kid. Never really had too much interest, and haven't been able to really
Aviation: it's something I've wanted to get into since I was a kid. Bought flight sim equipment and lessons, but the stress from my job has really cut into the amount of time I could devote to it. I've fallen way behind on ground-school stuff and have consistently failed to improve landings. Eventually my instructor handed me off to another teacher who I haven't contacted yet. Lost interest / time.
>Reason for shyness
I honestly don't know. Had serious problems as a kid talking to other kids and making friends. Was bullied a bit in middle/high school. Also closeted.
I dealt with that a long time ago, I just think it might be dwelling in my subconscious. I hadn't thought about that in a long time, and its actually a funny story i like to tell now
>What are you worried what they will think?
For one, they give annual feedback for performance reviews, which determines if I keep my job or not. But also they're working in the same room on the same projects and I don't want to make their job any harder than it is.
>Does flying give you a sense of contentment seeing the mountains from higher up than they themselves?
It's largely the sense of accomplishment, the technical aspects (so many things to keep track of) and the experience, and not so much something to talk about.
>What stood out in the therapists session that made you feel "yea this is a waste of time"?
I wasn't sure if it was a waste of time or not. The first session seems to be mostly an are-you-suicidal check and a lot of pandering, which made me wonder if the rest would be like that. It wasn't until I saw the text message from my manager while driving back that I realized that this wasn't going to work out.
So I'll start by saying that I'm assuming that closeted means sheltered here.
If I'm wrong, please correct me.
You should throw 4 out of your 5 hobbies out of the picture when it comes to making new friends.
Video games, piano and aviation are pretty much a solitary hobbis and even the social games will mostly only make you acquaintances unless you are willing to spend hours upon hours in the games and I don't recommend that for you.
Tabletop RPG's are on the decline as far as I know and even if you can find a group of people to play them with, it's not usually the type of people who will be able to help you get the type of experience you lack.
Cooking on the other hand is a great hobby. Have you considered on joining some cooking classes?
Not only you could meet some interesting people there, you could also expand on a actually very useful skill.
Otherwise, I'd actually suggest you join some sort of sports club, ideally for a team sport.
I know it sounds like a pretty big jump for you right now, but it will give you two things you sound like you desperately need.
1. Movement and thus exercise.
You really don't sound like a person who would spend at least a few hours weekly doing something for their physical health.
And being physically healthy is very important to be mentally healthy (this includes stress btw)
2. It will force you to be in a social environment and to interact with others.
Even your job doesnt really give you the type of a social enviroment you need. I'm gonna guess that most of the work you do is mostly solitary (again, if I'm wrong, please correct me) and you don't really have to compete or co-operate with that many people on a very personal level.
Dude, this exactly:
>I just think it might be dwelling in my subconscious.
means you havent deal with it.
I'm still gonna go with:
Maybe it's time for you to visit professional help.
I'm not sure if I understand the question.
But if it's literal:
Dude, theraphy is all about pandering.
You seem to have mistaken the therapist job.
He isnt there to give you advice. He is there to guide you through your thoughts until you figure out what you need for yourself.
Hey OP, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
I'm not afraid of socializing (though I might be quiet at first but I do take on the role of being extravert at times) yet speaking in public scares me shit less. Well at least the idea that I might fuck up and that I heavily focus on my flaws.
How do I git gud? And how can I do something that is actually effective in a relatively short amount of time?
I mean where would you go for more involved advice? Not that guy but in a similar situation. I've tried a therapist/counselor before and was disappointed in a similar way. I basically just want a second opinion on alot of thoughts and don't really have anyone that I trust.
Speaking of experience, I'm kind of wondering about the same thing. I've been sheltered all my life, and have issues with going out on my own. Took the plunge this afternoon and ended up at this cafe further away than any place I've ever been before, which freaked me the hell out but is a first step I suppose.
I know this isn't exactly a social issue, but do you think this is a step in the right direction? What places do you think are good to practice this at?
For me I initially had that kind of problem. I think it just takes some time and positive experiences to get used to it. I think the problem for alot of people is that they don't speak in public too often so they never really develop a resilience for it. Maybe try a job or a club that forces you to do it all the time to get used to it.
I personally use the first three dates to figure out what sort of a girl she is.
First to figure out her personality - this I do though talking with her.
Second to figure out how we click when doing something active - usually done though sports
Third to see how the chemistry works - something private where I can make a move.
The answer is still the same.
I personally prefer something where the two of use can talk.
My preferred first date is just a walk around town. If the weather doesnt allow that, I go for coffee to a quiet place.
No idea. I don't use Tinder or stuff like this.
Thanks for your advice.
You're right that some sort of sports club would be a big leap. I'm out of shape and am quite insecure about exposing weaknesses like that, especially in front of others. (This is probably also why I don't get out much - I can't hold a conversation.) I've been trying to exercise in the apartment gym but haven't been able to get a routine down, and working out in front of others is something I don't really feel comfortable doing.
Ideally I'd find some sort of way to meet these needs without attempting to force things to happen by chasing some sort of new hobby that (based on experience) I already know I won't stick with. There's definitely a need to escape comfort zones, but usually the cold-turkey attempt to just try and act like the person I'd prefer to become end up making me very miserable almost immediately, and I feel that's what joining some sort of racquetball club or cooking class would be.
('Closeted' meaning 'homo / dateless virgin'. Not sure if it's relevant. Work environment does require a fair bit of social interaction - I'm often answering / asking questions about our services, providing input on designs or implementation, training new guys and responding to business questions, in person and via email / text. It's very taxing but it's part of the job. The office is one medium-sized room overlooking a lake with about six or eight desks scattered around, so there's no cubicle to hide behind, and personal conversation does happen on occasion.)
>usually the cold-turkey attempt to just try and act like the person I'd prefer to become end up making me very miserable almost immediately, and I feel that's what joining some sort of racquetball club or cooking class would be.
And where did I suggest you just become a person you want to be on the spot?
Joining a club doesnt mean that you just have to be social on the spot. You don't have go there everytime. You can lean yourself into it at a pace you want to.
That's the best thing about low cost hobbies. You don't feel obligated to do them because you payed such a high sum for them, so when you don't want to, you just don't go.
But the bigger issue here is this:
>I already know I won't stick with
I can see you have a general problem with sticking with stuff, that you just escape to your comfort zone.
And honestly, I cannot help you with that.
That's something you internally have to decide you don't want to do anymore and just stop running away from your problems.
That's actually where the therapist is supposed to help you.
He won't give you advice, but he will guide you through a mental process that will hopefully make you realize what the issue is and why you need to stop running from it.
But since it won't be just someone else saying that (like me right now), but it will be yourself slowly understanding it, it will hopefully stick in you.
How do I approach someone or a stranger I'd like to be friends with? Or is that not how it works? I know being clingy is unattractive, because I've had someone try to latch onto me - not fun.
Basically, how do I make friends and keep a conversation going for more than 10 seconds?
Taking a train from Prague to Salzburg:
How hard is it to communicate (English) at the station?
How hard is it to bring luggage?
Are the overhead compartments comparable to international airlines'?
You can approach a stranger in a place that's meant for meeting strangers.
That usually means along the lines of a bar or party.
At other places, you just don't randomly talk to strangers.
At the station you should have no problems with the staff, it will be random with strangers.
The rest I don't know.
Conversely, bars and parties are generally places meant for meeting the sorts of people who frequent bars and parties. What's a person to do if they don't like to drink or socialize?
If people don't like to socialize, they don't want to meet people.
Because that's socializing.
People who don't enjoy drinking usually have their own hobbies that involve socializing in some way that is based around their hobby.
Also, you can go to bar or a party and not drink.
I do that for the last roughly 7 years.
You see, I'm an abstinent.
If you want to meet people who have books as a hobby, then don't go to a library, but to a book club, where you discuss books, not where you borrow them.