>in concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at

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>>87177018
>cooler filled with melted butter

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>>87177067
What did he mean by this?

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>born in the theatre, grew up in the theatre, lived in the theatre and knew I would die in the theatre
>father was a ticket ripper, mother was a crab masseuse
>we lived with the rest of the theatre-born, in a huge building under the theatre. The building was shaped like a billiards board as seen from above, seven concentric circles dividing us between the theatre castes, with the lowest castes on the outside and the emperor of the theatre (Peace be upon him) in the center
>mother was born into class 5, the third lowest class of worker, which consisted of the seat warmers, the cage cleaners, the crab masseuse and the prostitutes for class 2. They were not often tipped and many times did their job for free
>father was class 3, a fairly respectable place among the theatre-folk, the outsiders were legally required to give a tip to any of these workers. Father had to work hard to get people to choose him as their ticket ripper, there were approximately 700 other ticket rippers at any given time on the floor

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>selected as designated cinema shooter for matinee
>only had three Mountain Dew™ Kickstarts™ and six Pillsbury™ Toaster Strudels™ for breakfast
>blood sugar too low to aim accurately
>only get 7 kills during first 15 ads and first three BLACKED™ previews
>only five are non-disabled cis white men
>robert politely asks me to take my gun and my other gun and to take my falcon and leave
>stacy throws $13 drink on me
>burst into treats and run out

i don't go there anymore...

>>87177185
>father fell in love with mother on his way to inform one of the watchmen of a man attempting to break the no singles policy by disguising a horse as his wife. My father had the eyes of a hawk, and would never let any outsider slip by without the proper paperwork
>my father brought the man and his horse into the Class 2 designated interracial breeding grounds, where the dark skinned guardsman fornicate with the pale women of class 5.
>with two very dark, very large men inside her, my father and my mother met eachother's eyes, and it was love at first sight
>my father scrounged his tip money for three years, eating nothing but floor popcorn illegally sold by the class 6's floor lickers and drinking the dirty crab water that he stole from the gigantic underground crab hatchery
>in three years time father bought her from vice admiral ja'queen of the IBG, the law states she must be transferred to a different job within the class, since she never learned to speak (it was unnecessary as a slave for life to the IBG) he chose for her, crab masseuse.
>since the moment I could stand I was trained in the ways of ticket ripping
>i've honed my skill and tore all of my tickets perfectly for the ticket ripping certification exam held on my 18th birthday

>>87177210

>first day on the floor
>the whole day I'm trying desperately to get an outsider to choose me as their ticket ripper, my station is clean and flawless, my uniform is unwrinkled and spotless, my demeanor professional but friendly
>in the last few minutes of work an outsider male comes up to me, shakily hands me a ticket, which I tear flawlessly and hand back to him with a beaming smile
>I hold out my hand waiting for my first bit of tip money i've earned myself
>the man hands me a dirty green penny with a bit of gum stuck on it
>"I d-don't believe in tipping, g-get a real job" he tells me with a face of fearful defiance
>internally i'm in a vortex of torment, thinking about my dead mother and crippled father I have to feed with this penny
>externally I say "enjoy your movie sir" with a smile that seemed almost genuine
>we lock eyes one last time as he exclaims "y-you too"

>>87177018
I fucking hate those watchtower cunts. My falcon almost got shot by one last month!

>>87177201
>and my other gun
damn it robert

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>Get sent to the popcorn mines for failing penis inspection
>theater thot's blocking the way back up to the kinoplex
How the fuck do I escape the popcorn mines /b/ros?

>>87177370
I've heard that there's a tunnel in the manlet pits.

Manlets can not go through it, that's why they guard it. You need to prove yourself their king.

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>go to the kinoplex
>get assigned as the designated shooter
>get drafted into the kinoguard for being a good designated shooter
>fast forward 3 months
>standing in the watchtower
>shine the searchlight on a manlet standing in the butter line

>>87177512
..go on..

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>tfw your falcon pecks some little kid in the eye and you get kicked out halfway through the kino

>>87177641
lol that happened to me once, except the designated shooter killed that kid not a minute later.

I heard he got an extra bucket of crab legs for that kill. Guy's a legend in the 'lex.

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>in line at concession stand
>they're charging $9.95 for napkins so I sneak my own in
>security makes me disrobe due to my privilege
>find napkins and escort me out of line
>get taken to the Regal Cinemas Hot Dog Gulag
>can't hear the movies over the cacophony of screaming meat

>>87177238
>>87177210
>>87177185
wow

>this thread
And some people DARE to say that /tv/ is bad. Fuck them all - this place is keeping 4chan alive.

>>87177185
>>87177210
>>87177238
did this really happen?

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>>87177185
>mother was a crab masseuse

I love these so much

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>watching my kino quietly
>my falcon's kinophone goes off
>designated shooter executes my falcon on site
>seized by the kino guard
>spend the next three years enslaved in the subterranean crab mines

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I like these threads, if only to know that I'm not alone

>father was a crab breeder (class 3)
>mother was a butter chemist (class 2)
>fell in love, had me
>mother was killed in the singles uprising of 2002
>he was slain trying to save her
>both bodies were thrown into a butter cauldron
>my papers were destroyed in the raging inferno
>couldn't prove I was born into upper classes
>sent to labor in the popcorn mines
>mfw

>>87177238
>which i tear flawlessly

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>designated shooter is late
>no one notices
>entire flick goes by without interruptions
Surreal experience.

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>swimming in the kinosphere gel suspension network during commercial break 5
>it's 8 minutes of autonomous exercise for those who don't want to watch ads so i do my best to appear active to the kinoguards
>find a nice hole to hide in so i don't have to tire myself too much
>turns out that hole was a vacuum tube straight to the manlet pits
>plop down right in the center of a manlet processing line
>there's manlets left and right being converted into biobatteries for the 4d projectors
>kill myself

I want a tv series made about /tv kinoplexverse

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>finish watching movie
>go back to the shoe rack
>everyone getting their shoes back on, but i can't find mine
>they all leave, no shoes left
>walk over to the lost and found but they just have anvils
>have to walk in my socks to my bike

>>87179981
back in my day we used to carve shoes out of anvils and we walked back to the housing complex

>>87180059
back in my day we skinned our own falcons for shoes.

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>go to kinoplex to catch the newest Nolan joint
>pay for a ticket and spin the wheel of kino
>lands on capeshit
>try to take extra long in the pre-show showers so I can sneak into Dunkino
>get caught in the halls by guards
>they perform an unauthorized penis inspection and I get my photo put up on the Wall of Singles

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>in line at concession stand
>taking forever as employees try to wrangle a kicking and screaming goat behind the counter
>finally cut its throat over a pentagram etched into the ground
>guttural howls and cries fill the air as they infuse the popcorn with the torment of a thousand squalid souls
>have to pay an extra four dollars for Baphomet Butter

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>cut open the cinema pissbag

You think that's bad OP, I was asked to be head of the conga line at my local Bollywood kinoplex after the lead guy went home sick. I was so nervous I almost slipped into the designated shitting aisle

>awful movie, start to regret purchasing the ticket
>take out my gun
>carefully plant it on the guy sitting next to me
>yell out "he's got a gun!"
>confusion and panic ensues
>wrestle the gun out of his pockets, "accidentally" fire off a shot into his abdomen, killing him
>police arrives, i explain the situation
>walk over to counter, demand refund based on what happened
>not only get a refund, but a year wroth of free movies for solving the situation
am i the only one?

>>87180419
you're lucky to get away with that, something similar happened at my kinoplex and they held the guy in CinéJail whilst they buttered the gun for fingerprints. Lucky for him he had his falconer's gloves on at the time so didn't leave any

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>customer steve approaches me
>hands me his backpack and I begin to fill it with milk
>he's staring at me awkwardly while I milk Bessy
>"E-every cow is named Bessy h-ha-h-ha" I laugh
>"The fuck you say?" Steve leaps the counter and pulls a gun to my head
>"Put the gun down" Bessy pleads
>She's 8 months pregnant and can't deal with the stress
>Her water breaks and Steve slips over, firing a shot into the ceiling
>The mice that are lining the roof begin to drip down the hole all around us
>Bessy is going into labour while the mice begin to knaw at Steves face
>I don't know what to do, this is literally my first day and I'm 90 years old
>"Wait here! I'll get help!" I tell her because I heard a lot of people say that in a lot of situations that were kind of like this one
>I leave her to die with the mice
>They begin to suckle at her teet, she is calm, she feeds the mice, they become her children, they form a giant mouse made of mice, a miceking, it delivers the baby
>Baby gets delivered to Aisle 4 in Theatre 11
>No refunds

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>mfw when I try to order crab legs but they're all out so I'm required by law to board a fishing boat for four months with other patrons to replenish the theatre's stock

>>87179981
that was your own fault for not buying an insurance for the shoes for only 49.99 + tax + tip + tip on tax

My falcon just won't behave when I take him to the kino. He keeps hissing and meowing and hiding under the seats. Any advice?

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>no one has posted this
https://soundcloud.com/lazerbird-98477393/afternoon-at-the-kinoplex

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>mfw volunteering in the popcorn mines for theater bonuses
Only 2 more weeks and I'll get my first coupon for 10 percent off my next small crab leg bucket

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>It's the Pelican show before the previews
>The smell of fish revulses me and attracts the pride of lions
>I begin to chew through my chair so I can burrow into the subterranian level bat caves and avoid getting slaughtered by Simba and his friendly pride
>Just as I fall into the cavenous hole beneath my chair Simba the cute lion bites the head off the man seated next to me, my oldest and dearest friend, who I'd known for 5 minutes
>I reach for a cigarettte
>It feels strange to my lips, like something I'd never felt before
>I can't see anything because there's a no light policy in the bat caves
>...but rules were meant to be broken
>Flip my lighter on to light my cigarette
>I just sucked off a battery

>>87179796
>kinoplexverse

Its young adult kinosaga

>>87180959
wau

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>leaving the theater after the Emoji Movie (tm)
>forget to return my theater shoes
>theater cop spots me
>get tazed
>sentenced to 6 months of foot cleaning service
It was an honest mistake but these fucking tightasses don't believe me. I hate having to worship all the teen girls feet every night, I can barely focus on the kino.

>>87180419
I usually tip the designated shooter to take someone out for me if they're being annoying, obviouslt that doesnt work if the annoying person ends up being the shooter though, at that point there's not much you can do. There's been a couple times a shooter has won me over with their marksmanship despite poor behaviour during a kino viewing

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>>87179981
How exactly does one lose one's anvil?

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>get some needle nose pliars
>break the chains on all the poop scissors in the cinema bathroom and steal them
>come back a couple hours later after the film
>see shit leaking into the hallway because the toilets can't handle people's monster turds

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>>87180606
>>They begin to suckle at her teet, she is calm, she feeds the mice, they become her children, they form a giant mouse made of mice, a miceking, it delivers the baby
This happened, right?

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>>87177018
https://soundcloud.com/lazerbird-98477393/afternoon-at-the-kinoplex

Remember when that asian bitch stole our stories for funnyordie or whatever it was

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>>87177185
Copypastakino

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>2002
>singles have taken control
>sneaking through the foyer with my gf
>if we get caught we will be sent to the ticket and subtitle scribe cavern for eternity
>crawl towards screen room
>concessions stand catches my eye. the communist free crab legs offer is in effect. unbelievable..
>move in to take advantage of something which is not my birthright
>a chaste single soldier turns my way and sees my gf and starts screaming

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>>87182533
kek

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>sitting in the KinoWorld
>5 hour pre-movie commercials are near the end
>it's time for my favorite part
>the speach of the KinoWorld President
>he talks a little about the movie we are about to see
>joks about the director of the movie
>talks about the seatbelts and how they're important to keep us safe in the 7D IMAX expirience
>ends his speach with inspiring mini-speach about the fallen heroes of the popcorn mines
>everyone was clapping
>he walks off the stage, while people are giving him large bouquets of flowers
>on the way to the exit he is handshaking with everyone, me included
>he even petted my falcon
that was a good day

>>87181808
got you famalam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXPcYiSnAVw

>>87182825
>an Asian without creativity who also plagiarizes

Imagine my shock

>>87182825
>grabs crab legs from boiling water with bare hands
>puts the painting on the wall hanger
>CGI smoke
hacks

>2-for-1 crab leg special going on
>dont eat crab, but there's a film ive been wanting to check out
>seat myself behind a middle-aged obese man eating crab legs loudly on the side-arm table
>grease running down his face, loudly cracking the legs
>everytime the name of the film is mentioned he loudly yells "Oh!" and laughs
>the name of the film is just the name of the protagonist so it's uttered quite often
>eventually get tired of him kicking the back of my seat and laughing
>turn and politely ask him to keep it down
>"Oh we got ourselves our first critic! Movie hasn't even finished and you're already talkin!"
>he throws a crab leg at me, ricocheting off my forehead and into some ladies soft drink a couple rows down
>she turns confusedly at him, he returns the look and points to me
>she looks at me
>"What the fuck is your problem man?"
>"what it wasn't me, i'm not even eating crab legs"
>he throws another crab leg at me
>"Oh! That any way to talk to a lady?"
>the crab legs were just freshly boiled, so my skin is hurting pretty badly
>fuck it, ill just leave
>I awkwardly shuffle my way out of the row as he throws more crab legs at me
>go home

the guy's a regular there, and now everyone calls me the 'crab kid' when i go

Jesus christ this thread is glorious i haven't laughed this hard in a while please for the love of god keep it going

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>>87177185
>>87177210
>>87177238
>this beautiful worldbuilding
>this beautiful character growth and background
>this beautiful execution
beautiful

>>87182825
TO THE POPCORN MINES WITH HER!

>>87177238
Please more ticket ripper-san, I want to hear more about your adventures.

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>>87177185
include me in the screencap for future proyections senpai.

>Guardians of the Galaxy 2
>walk into auditorium
>a sudden hush of silence in the air
>hear whispering
>"Mommy how come that ugly old man is by himself? Is he going to rape us?"
>find a seat in an empty corner
>movie starts
>Groot starts dancing
>nobody is laughing, which is really strange
>look around
>they're all staring at me
>movie pauses
>my phone starts ringing
>expect it to be mom since nobody else has my number
>it just says "Robert" what the fuck
>"Good evening, sir. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but it seems you are in the wrong room. Please exit the auditorium at once and make your way to the front lobby."
>pull ticket out of my pocket to double check the information because I'm pretty sure I'm in the correct room
>bullet streaks by, putting a hole through the ticket where it says the auditorium number
>"Like I said, it seems you are in the wrong room."
>someone throws a soda at me
>it lands on my lap, making it look like I peed myself
>"This loser peed himself!"
>Stacy #356 comes over and kicks me in the dick
>"Haha, I bet you enjoyed that, you pervert! Get lost!"
>run down the stairs
>trip and land in the manlet pit
>they start worshiping me for being 5'11"
>become king of the manlets
>they show me a secret passage
>a forgotten tunnel built by ancient miners
>walk, run, and crawl through the never-ending twisting path
>travelling for what seems like years
>take another step and slip
>the ground is completely smooth now
>sliding down for 15 minutes
>land in what seems to be an underground lake in a giant dome-shaped room
>this must be where the shower water is collected

This is it. There's no way out now. The water is filthy but still drinkable. And there's plenty of fruit so I won't starve. Maybe this is where I belong.

>>87183487
>seat myself behind a middle-aged obese man
>get tired of him kicking the back of my seat
I fucking hate when I have to sit next to the kinoplexes wormhole

>>87184545
He would get out of his seat and walk all the way around the row to get behind me just to kick it, I mean. He was a strange guy.

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>>87177185

>>87181275
>How exactly does one lose one's anvil?
The honey badgers, mate...

>be me
>be cis, white male
>order hot dog and a bottle of Evian™ for $19.99 + $5.99 tip (was feeling stingy today)
>movie begins
>take a bite of my hot dog
>turns out they put mustard on it
>start turning red and tearing up from the pain
>fumble to open my Evian™
>turns out the cashier didn't loosen it for me due to my stingy tip
>people notice me being hysterical and fumbling around with something in the dark
>they start getting excited and pointing to me, thinking I'm the designated shooter
>start full-on crying
>they think it's just part of the pre-shooting emotional display
>pass out from the pain
>finally they realize I need help
>they slap me around until I wake up, 2 hours later
>they ask me if I still need water
>I say yes, forgetting that the water had gotten warmer in the time that I was passed out
>at a higher temperature, its ion concentration is higher
>take a large gulp
>tongue nearly falls off from the pain

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>go to cinema
>theater has all new seat layout
>instead of armrests there is a cot on either side of each seat for people to lie down on and look up
>a second screen is up on the ceiling for them to watch the movie too
>I have to use one guy's mouth as a cupholder
>other guy keeps sucking on my fingers
I hate the cinema

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>>87177018
This is a really good thread

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>>87180959
amazing