>You adventurers thought you were strong enough, with all your fancy spells and weapons, but heres where your plans have failed. The only way to undo the curse that covers this land...IS TO DEFEAT ME IN A COOKING BATTLE
Fool! You lack skill nor taste to face the ultimate in culinary science! Alchemical Gastronomy!
>Hah! Perhaps you thought these knives were for show? I have prepared foods like you wouldn't believe - omelettes from the eggs of ancient wyrms which slumber atop mountains high, sashimi of krakens and leviathans that roam the depths of the oceans! I have prepared feasts fit for kings with the finest ingredients in the land, and yet also with the very scroungings off a forest floor. With my own two hands, I raised myself from starvation to cook and dine alongside the finest chefs in the realm! Do not belittle me with your petty mockery, sir - let our cuisines do the talking! If it is a cook-off you wish, then a cook-off you will receive!
You think your culinary skills can possibly compare to my confections!?
You feel you are able to compete against me and my army of Sweet Genius?
He really does remind me of a bond villain in Season 1
No, your damn alchemical food will not stand against true cooking! Now suffer against the techniques of a thousand schools of culinary art, passed down over generations, leading to me!
Eat and remember your place in the circle of life!
>players challenged by the wild Fae to a cook-off
>only the cook-off involves you hunting a beast with your bare hands
>no, you don't kill it and then prepare it
>you eat it alive then and there as it struggles to murder you
>whoever eats alive the nastiest son of a bitch beast wins
>other hunters count as fair game
Heh, so thats the route you're going to take.
I won't let you win, with this, IM GOING TO SHAKE EVERYTHING OFF!
Witness, in this pot, holds my dreams, my passion, my fierce, burning strength. Take this! MY ROARING SOUL GUMBO!
...holy fuck that looks so good right now. You have no idea how angry I am that nothing is open except a shitty convenience store.
Truly, the real Cuisine Souls starts here.
Now you see why my cuisine reins supreme! It teases at the stomach of those that view it, the smell of spices, sausage, chicken, vegetables all tantalizing the nose, causing hunger to roar out. This is the true power of cuisine, the power of hunger!
Yo I'm just a sidewatcher. We're the ones who really win, you know. Half the time we just set this shit up and egg you foodies and chefs on so we reap the whirlwind. Of pancakes. And pasta. And steaks.
I do make a decent bowl of carbonara, though. Still perfecting the recipe.
Real chefs don't use magically produced ingredients.
This guy knows whats what, keep your filthy magic away from my kitchen
>Pour a dressing over a dryad's body
>s l o w l y opening a plus-size bag of croutons while staring at her, unblinking
>You like this, don't you, you filthy little shrub...
>fucked up hardcore pornography for dryads is watching eat-healthy cooking shows that feature a ton of salads and vegetables
> tfw no one will ever eat your leafy greens
>Date a Dryad
>Shes a real nice gal, shy, quiet, likes to read, and gets really flustered when I do anything romantic in public
>However she has a really weird fetish
>She goes crazy whenever I do any cooking involving vegetables, or if I eat any, it's so weird. She zones out and stares, slack jawed, breathing heavily whenever I'm cutting tomatoes or celery. Her knees gave out last night when I was mincing onions. It gets really bad in public when she looks like shes about to leap across the table when I jab my fork into a pile of lettuce after drowning it in dressing
>She never explains why she acts like that, but I get sex, so I don't complain
>Though because of it I've been spending a lot of money on fresh produce lately.
>look at her as you hold a grocery bag
>pull this out and slam it on the counter
>tell her "Dinner is in 10 minutes."
>walk out of the room
>At the store
>One of the stock boys accidentally knocks over a shelf of dressing and vinaigrette and it all spills on her
>Have to rush her out to the car before she becomes the center of a very possible gangbang in the middle of the store
I cook with digital precision.
Fun fact: thanks to their extremely high Intelligence stat (and often enough, intelligence-enhancing implants), tech-priests are pretty much the best at all trade skills, including cooking.
>God dammit Jessica, we need to focus on gathering the 7 legendary ingredients to defeat the Pie Lich
>Do you GOTTA get Maple all worked up by chewing on broccoli all the time?
>DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T NOTICE HER SHIVERING AND DROOLING DAMN IT
>JESSICA YOU PUT THAT CARROT DOWN RIGHT NOW
>SHE'LL HEAR IT CLEAR ACROSS THE CAMP YO-
>oh hell I heard the gasp from here you sick bitch why did I ever agree to adventure with you
BEHOLD THE DARKNESS THAT WILL END YOU THE MOMENT YOU HEAR THE *POP* OF THE TAB BEING PEELED BACK
THERE IS NO FUTURE
>Doran, don't you FUCKING dare put lettuce on that bacon sandwich
>No you are NOT trying to eat healthier you stupid pig, I know exactly
>Doran don't you fucking do it
>You know how Maple acts when you mix meat and vegetables
>IT TOOK ME A WEEK TO GET ALL THE SYRUP OFF MY GEAR
THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE, GASTROMANCERS
THIS IS THE FATE YOU ALLOWED TO COME WITH YOUR SLOTH
NOW EAT OF THIS NIGHT GIVEN FORM, AND LET THE SWEET STING OF SALT INFEST YOUR BLOOD AND RUINOUS INTENSTINES
>In a world of fantasy, magic, and divine cuisine
>The canning corporation is the true evil
>Welcome to Culiquest
>Where a bunch of assholes bully and harass a tweaked-out dryad in their quest to defeat the Dark Masters of the Hellstove
>This is their storJESSICA STOP RUBBING PANCAKES ON MAPLE'S FACE I DON'T CARE HOW HONEY-LIKE HER TEARS ARE, FUCK
>guys I think we're in the Far Realm again
>*SHROINK* thank you adventure mens and not-mens, 4 save the orc camps frum mekdunnulds and fry liches
>is gud we not become pork dinnerz
>vegetable not-man keep is ask 'you make open-face sandwich wit me'
>she say bed am bread but not make sense
>Party goes to "British-expy land"
>Horrified at the food
>Adventurers, I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for me, my kingdom is saved thanks to you
>Could you do something about your..um...Dryad companion?
>She has broken into the larder and was discovered...um...laying with the meats
>>You adventurers thought you were strong enough, with all your fancy spells and weapons, but heres where your plans have failed. The only way to undo the curse that covers this land...IS TO DEFEAT ME IN A COOKING BATTLE
>This is your fault, Jessica. You know what happens to people who class only in Butcher? ESPECIALLY dryads, notorious for being carnivores??
>No you stupid gravy-slut, the same thing that happens to EVERYONE who classes only in Butcher; they go beefserk! Their lust for flesh finds no end as they seek greater and greater haunches to flay and grill!
>You cram that pickle back where it belongs and go encourage her to start cross-classing in Smokehouse Lord right the fuck now before we all wake up being force-fed finger sandwiches.
you people and your boaring ass food. whats the point of cooking if you trap yourself into dead ends like "perfection" or "only the finest ingredients,"
Todays delicacies where last weeks trash.
Dryads are fucking weird, man.
Nah man, if shes a cute, sheltered Dryad, it would take a long time till she becomes accustomed to the stimulus, at which point, they just progress farther, until they turn her into a vegie-slut. Duh
Stargazy pie! I live where that comes from.
It's just a fish pie made with whole fish.
Only the tourists eat it.
Is it called Stargazy pie because the fish heads are staring into the stars, or because after eating it, you just stare off into the sky, contemplating what you just put into your body.
Welcome to /tg/, a breeding ground for fetishes
WELCOME YOU ADVENTURERS FROM FAR LAND, COME SIT SIT, EAT AND ENJOY!
>So you must face the trials of our people, that you may know the Suffering of Food in its most pure and ritual form.
>Open the jar.
To master food you must conquer it in all it's forms
Now go, find these jewels of foul, and gather them!
I posted a recipe for alcoholic mudder's milk a while back that some anon said he saved and would try
did anyone ever make that?
No I mean a dryad who comes from a durian tree
At least she isn't a lemon dryad
>Carolina Reaper dryad
>Shes a red-head spit fire who will leave your bed room a fucking mess and your bed destroyed after a single night
>You never know if it was worth it or not
>JESSICA THAT IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME WE DRINK 'FOREST JUICE' DO YOU HEAR ME
> "You've made a grave error, heretic whelp - you may have defeated Warp-tainted abhumans, xenos and primitives, but now you face the wrath of an Inquisitor of the Holy Ordos..."
> "And your broth is shit. Or piss. I honestly can't tell which."
>look a few posts up
>this one was already posted
Well I feel dumb.
Extremely situational, but still hilarious reaction images
>Honestly our quest to take down Baron McFry left me unable to enjoy the woods anymore after Maple giggled during tree pollen season and chirped out "TREE BUKKAKEEE!"
>I'm considering dropping Server for one of the alcohol classes but God save me it's ALL MADE FROM PLANTS...
Who thought this was a good idea when they made those sales papers?
They're a gold mine sure, but that extreme advertisement for groceries.
>Hey Doran, this drink is really good, what is it?
>Oh it's just juice, I had a recipe I wanted to try but never got the berries it requires
>Really? How did you get them then? We havn't been to a town that has any, and I don't know of any forest berries that taste like this
>Got em from Maple
MAPLE HAS GONE BEEFSERK
THERE IS NO HOPE
THE VEGAN VIZIER WILL FALL, BUT AT WHAT COST
>WE ARE NEVER GOING BACK TO THE FAR REALM FARMER'S MARKET, I DON'T *CARE* IF APPLE HIMMLERS ARE THAT CHEAP THEY WERE VERY MUCH A PROBLEM
This is why you don't drink the Forest Juice. Leave it at that.
>What sort of nightmare have we stepped into...
I submit to you, child of /ck/ and /tg/.... the snack monsters. Use in your next D&D session at your own risk
>maple baby it's ok we're gonna get through this it's ok to cry and puke i'm not gonna leave you here WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS HONEYPIE THEY'RE COUNTIN' ON US
I think they are advertising the nightmarish things that lurk within the culinary lands of the far realm
>WIZARD, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT MONSTROSITY!?
>MAPLE NOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T WALK INTO THE DEEP FRYER, IT WASN'T MADE FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOU!
>A Dryad who gets turned on by vegetables being cut, cooked and eaten, dressing and oil poured on vegetables or her, and all sorts of other similar related things
>Now also shes' culinary suicidal
Theres a fetish
And this is why you don't shop, cook, or do any-fucking-thing culinary in the Far Realm.
For with strange aeons, even death may fry.
It started as cooking. It ended with horror, gastrosexual psychosis, new fetishes, an angry group of troubled women roaming the fantasy hellscape to fight its dark food forces, and myriad ideas for culinary classes.
And they haven't even met their BBEG yet.
The snakes look good, actually.
To make this more /tg/, does anyone have, say, any recipes for grilling, baking, frying, stewing, etc. mythological creatures?
>inb4 that picture of "unicorn meat"
I mean there have to be people out there who have compiled recipes using ingredients not actually found IRL. For instance, Grox Burgers if you go the 40k route.
I'm talking Chimera Stew, Drake Steak, Basilisk Brisk, Fried Aboleth Sticks.
Things like that.
Wasting. Especially if it's well-crafted food.
>Take minotaur steaks, rub down with a mixture of spices of your choice, then smoke for several hours, wood chips from a World Tree are ideal for making the most exquisite of smoky taste
We already saw. It's making food into an empty, caloric, cheap spectacle. Fast food. Junk food. Canned sandwiches. Vending machines. Soulless takeout. Corporate meals. Giant bland genetically-overenhanced garbage. Sugars and salts, sugars and salts.
Junk food liches! Deep fried skeletons! Orcs being slaughtered by insane elves for their monstrously successful fast food chains! Wordlwide obesity and the death of the palette from sugarburn! Candymancers! Hellgrills! Rare species slaughtered wholesale for cheap get-thin-quick diets! Diet fads! Alchemical scams! Magic-made mass food! The murder of old culinary masters and the burning of cookbooks!
All the pleasure and hard work of food both simple and grand... gone.
It's real, and hilarious. Would make for an adorable minor 'villain' turned ally. I want Murder Momma.
I wouldn't call deep frying evil, it's more like...necromancy. It's a form of culinary art that has been given a bad image due to it's close relationship with the fouler elements of cooking.
There's likely a massive industry for specialized Rogues who do such. Snag the recs, get paid, duck out for a fine night on the town at the local $1,000-a-plate-100-years-Elvish-master place so you can woo that wicked dryad chica who serves there.
BUT THE FLIRTING STOPS QUICK WHEN MASTER MARJORAM AND THE SVELTE CINNATWINS KICK DOWN THE DOOR AND FIND YOU
god they smell like a warm cinnamon dream even when they're hosing you down with boiling coffee rays
Exactly so, it's something that has and can be corrupted into something terribly evil, which is what the hollow food industry has done, while true chefs carry the torch for pure frying.
>Take whole aboleth.
>Clean and scale the meat completely, being sure to remove all mucous.
>slice meat into 2x2x10 strips
>Extract the brain and mash it into paste.
>Mix brain paste with herbs and spices as desired, but most importantly, add a pint of Dwarven Lager and blend well. This should give it a much smoother consistency.
>Baste the strips of aboleth in this mixture and fry them in peanut oil for 4 minutes.
>Enjoy. The dark whisperings of evil should stop after one hour of consuming this delicacy. Be sure to consult your doctor before eating fried aboleth.
Obviously one of the highest crimes in the land
>you don't want the dragon for his hoard
>you want him for the eggs, and him too if he's old enough and has eaten enough previous chefs for that incredible unique flavor
>haven't LIVED unless you've had red dragon pepper steak
>Plus yeah it gives you fire immunity but that's just a sidegrade to the flavors and sense of peace from eating a superapex predator
I gladly eat the raw horseradish over choking down that shit. No amount of delicious cheap grape wine or burning bitter herbs can wash it down fast enough. My cousin LIKES the shit. I mock her for it every chance I get.
Dragons, like dryads, are fucking weird.
SHHHHHHH. Dragonveal has been banned in like 800 kingdoms. Just... keep it on the downlow, ok? I know this one place. Gonna run you a golden fucking ticket to get in, though.
If you do not go all the way with your cooking, then do not cook at all! True chefs will scour the land, battling monsters and natural obstacles that many adventurers DREAD to meet, on an everyday basis! You should not hold a skillet with such half hearted determination!
I wonder. Even if not a culicampaign, if you kept rewarding the PCs with access to and a free lavish dinner at various super exclusive upscale restaurants, after like most major quests... I wonder if they'd roleplay and fight all the more seriously and viciously.
That's fine. I've got a hankerin' for some Steamed Beholder Eyestalks. Just cut them into little slices, bundle them up into, well, buns, and steam them using pure holy water for 15 minutes.
Be sure to get an actual Cleric of Pelor to bless the water. Clerics of Heironeous just... don't do it the same.
Dragons often can change into whatever the fuck they WANT. Just don't think about it too hard, or think about the fact that half the women in the party probably got knocked up after they slayed the red dragon that was bothering the silver dragon, and then the kegger, and WOW she cooked good, and... we'll blame too much beer on that sickness in the morning. Yeah.
Point is, the bitch made the best goddamn chili you will ever eat. Golds get all the press, but silvers know where to stick that spatula.
Oh, I'd include stat bonuses anyways, like 20% off your next stat-up, or a rank in cold resist since you had some ice salt from the Arctic Death Zone, or a slow form of regeneration from eating that amazing Solar Salad or what have you.
Your Lutefish is weak, Behold, the face of evil!
I'm imagining there is some pantheon of the most evil foods/ingredients in the world.
>the party has nothing BUT ladies though
>JESSICA SHUT YOUR BUTTER-LAPPING MOUTH I DON'T CARE IF DORAN IDENTIFIES AS A MALE, THERE I SAID IT, THE POINT IS WE'RE ALL FUCKING PREGNANT WITH DRAGON AND EATING FOR TWO NOW
So how about we talk some mechanics for the cooking game?
I was thinking of basing it on d20. since killing animals and adventuring for ingredients is a theme i was thinking of keeping the combat and classes as normal.
i just wanted to give players a number of extra skill points per level with the rule that they have to be used on cooking related skills.
knowledge nature can help you identify animals and plants that can be used for cooking.
knowledge geography can help you know where in the world you can find specific ingredients
profession chef lets you recall recipes
knife skills: lets you cut fast and precise. the faster and thinner you need to cut the higher the check
pots and pan skills: want to do the perfect flip when flipping pancakes? need to keep rotating the food in the wok to give it the perfect amount of heat without burning it? need to make sure nothing sticks on the pan? this is your skill.
add more skills based on general techniques as needed.
new use for CMB: want to do fancy tricks while cooking like those japanese chefs? use CMB for that. If you beat the enemy CMD they are sufficiently impressed and it will affect their cooking. without the new feat "improved showmanship" you take -4 on this roll. if you fail to beat their CMD by more than 5 you mess up doing the trick and take -2 on the check related to what you are doing. if you fail by 10 or more you mess up so badly that you must do that step in the cooking process from scratch.
Still too vanilla for my tastes.
The guild of raising Adventurer bastard spawn receives a new shipment of half-dragons, putting their tally above bard spawn for the month. This wins the newest recruit and the cleaning staff the betting pool.
>that Princess she captured...
>well she used to be Chef Lord Ariharlan, king of the flayblade and fish-fry supreme
>look the point is the fae are sticking their dicks into the wrong crockpot, again, and we gotta put the kibosh on it
>No he actually wants to stay a Princess, we're just gonna seal away the recipe
>NO WE'RE NOT GONNA MONETIZE IT THAT BREAKS THE CULINARY CODE AND BAM, YOUR GARDEN NUN WILL FALL LIKE A BAG OF FAST FOOD THROW-OUTS
>GOD DAMN MY 'SERVER LYFE' CLASS POWER, THIS SHIT IS TOO MUCH
As for cooking itself i was thinking of making it step based like following a recipe.
The more steps the bigger the chance of fucking something up so steps are kinda like CR.
in the end you assign a value to the meal based on a combination of things:
each succesful step adds +1 to the value.
if you do something particularly fancy during that step your GM may increase the bonus to +2 or +3. maybe higher, that is up to him.
each failed step deducts 2 points from the value.
if your opponent has a specific criteria of success and you beat him in that area add 4 to the value of the meal.
in special cases (like the bakers dozen) you may not be able to beat him at all if you fail to beat his special criteria.
Opponents may choose to limit your dish to a certain number of steps. you can choose to ignore it, but it is dishonorable and not befitting of an adamantium chef
The five great forbidden recipes, sealed away so that their terrible power cannot be abused!
>Gender Flip au Gratin
>Death Whisper Flambe
>Soul Rot Risotto
>Garlic Roasted Chaos
>it's actually just Four Forbidden Recipes, and Gender Flip can take like 16 forms, but it was forbidden because everyone was getting fucking tired of the endless pranks and hassles getting in the way of cooking
>Seriously don't eat Fae food
>There's entire LIBRARIES of fairy tales warning about it for a reason
This is never given much attention, but how about other mythological creatures which are not dangerous and can be caught/hunted without significant danger?
Like Jackelopes. Grilled jackelope legs. Or Golden Salmon fillet.
>elemental plane of capsaicin
Y-you. You. YOU. DEATH TO THE EMPEROR. DEATH TO CHAOS, TOO. DEATH TO YOUR ENTIRE POISONED UNIVERSE. YOUR EVERY WORLD AND WARP WILL FEED THE MASSES, THOU SLAVE OF TASTELESS ENTROPY.
Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre, baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of a powerful dark chicken, beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman, with cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a three-headed fanged cow and layered with 666 separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood. It also has lettuce and Dijon mustard
Well jackalopes are statted in PF and as i recall they are statted as CR 1, so a family of 8 can still prove dangerous to low level players.
But what if they don't fight? if they run you either have to chase them or kill them with a ranged weapon before they get out of range (and in a forest or similar setting that may not be an option).
But even then they may just be extremely hard to find and require days of tracking (possibly through dangerous territory) and setting up elaborate traps. or they may be considered sacred and guarded by creatures like dryads or centaurs.
Just because they are harmless doesn't mean they'll be easy to obtain.
Oh yeah!? Well I don't bother with jars, or containers, MY kitchen contains multiple portable holes and gates into pocket dimensions that I have personally crafted, all to keep my ingredients in the ultimate state of freshness!
Nah. It's just dijon mustard.
All dijon mustard is that dark and dread, it turns out. Nobody knows why. Tastes good on a sandwich, though. Thankfully it's not immune to stomach enzymes.
But goddamn if you don't see it used in every bloody dark recipe and ritual this side of the line.
You fool! That will only tempt them down a truly dark path. You must give to the order of the tasteless, pure and noble monks who have forsaken their taste buds for the good of all.
WELL ALL MY KITCHEN UTENSILS, POTS AND PANS ARE FORGED FROM ADAMANTINE! THE METAL IS THE HIGHEST QUALITY IN HEAT TRANSFERING, CAUSING EVEN FRYING IN ALL MY DISHES! NOT TO MENTION I HAD ALL MY KNIVES ENCHANTED SO THAT EVERY TIME THEY CUT, THEY SLIDE SMOOTHLY THROUGH, FOOD NEVER STICKS TO THEM!!!
Are you insulting the will of the Kitchen Paladins Order, you foul tongued knave!? We of the Church of the Holy Kitchen are the most pure and resolute soldiers of the doctrine of clean cooking, no foul dish has ever touched a Paladin's lips!
I think it's like wearing skulls during a ritual, they think it does something, when it's just an...evil placebo.
Still, the mystery of dijon mustard confounds chefs for decades. It all looks and tastes normal at first, but as soon as everything is mixed together, it just becomes evil, and no matter how much a cleric purifies it, it just stays that way. It's one of the culinary words great mysteries, along with why people would put pineapple on pizza, and other such mysteries
Just thought of new things to do for culiomancers (also known as by uncultured swines who cares nothing for the finer points of language):
Scroll recipes: a new feat (prerequisite: CL 5, scribe scroll). A magic scroll that can magically create ingredients, side dishes or even full courses (the more complex the higher the spell level). Looked down upon as dishonorable, but certainly handy if you discover you are lacking a specific ingredient. Certain ingredients can by their inherent magical nature simply not be created, as determined by the GM.
Permanent summons (prerequisite CL 3) can be used to make creatures stay after you slaughter them so that you can have easy access to fresh meat. If you are a divine caster your deity may not be okay with this.
Summoned meat (prerequisite CL 5, permanent summons): instead of the animal you may summon the meat, already butchered and ready for use. If the meat needs special treatment, like being smoked or salted you may raise the spell level appropriately.
Summon natures ally works as summon create except with fruits, vegetables and herbs.
All of these are lesser than the Forgotten Recipe, a dish so vile and evil that its existience was forgotten by all as so it could never be remade after its destruction.
But in strange times, even the trashcan may be emptied and that which was never born may rise again to devour the souls of men....this is why we fight, to keep The Half-Cooked Meatbread forgotten!
Rednecks, poor people, lazy people, and stressed out families who want to at least appear as being competant and cohesive as a family unit but who just cannot get their shit together.
...god i miss/loathe christmas dinners
Sshhhh, just let it happen..
It'll be over soon
Behold the Onion Rings of Power, fellow batterwarlocks!
Doesn't this looks just so much more appetizing?
a legit martial arts legend bistro recipe ttrpg would be fascinating. Having to do a full set of ingredient and skill checks in order to summon a monster, and having the monster's stats and performance hinge on the degrees of success that go into your summoning/cooking check.
is that elsa from frozen eating a burger
why do i find this attractive
It was a half-assed, paint by numbers attempt at a pokemon/digimon clone that was like 5 years too late. I'm sorry anon but you have shit taste.
I know - it's just that I grew up on it, ya know? Nostalgia does weird things to ya. I'll never be able to detach the show's quality in my mind from the memories I made while it was on.
>mfw I once played a halfling cook
>mfw I put all my points into culinary skills
>mfw I cooked all the monsters the party killed into pies
>mfw I started franchises and became wealthiest person in the country
Chef characters are the best.
BEHOLD MY MIGHT AS A CULINARY POLYMORPH, BUT KNOW THIS TRICK IS MERELY THE BEGINNING
I WILL ADD ANY FLAVOR TO ANY FOOD YOU NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
CUCUMBER ICE CREAM IS ONLY THE BEGINNING! SOON YOU WILL HAVE BACON FLAVORED CARROTS, SODA FLAVOR WATER, STEAK FLAVOR TOFU!!
THE WORLD. WILL. *KNEEL*.
The evil board of directors are seated in a shadowy boardroom. You can only see their suit-clad torso's out of their chairs. Their heads are hidden in shadow.
Professor Clarc ANderson presents his latest evolution, a way to bring food easely and too the masses.
Now EVERYONE can have the taste explosion that would normally takes decades of training and ingredients gathering...
I beg of you... mead-flavored water for the kobold! He'd drink it for the taste if the alcohol weren't near-fatal to him! What sort of friend would I be if I did no seek a solution to his problem?
A'ight a'ight get your mitts off of me, swillslave.
...it's gonna cost you.
We're gonna deal in favors. I got a problem that needs taking care of, and I want my hands to stay clean.
There's one problem.
They're flaming hots. Napalm level.
Just take care of this for me and your little friend will get what he needs. Also, don't fuck with Junkfood Necros.
Look, I feel like I need to be forward with you. He placed an anti-chopsticks hex on the death zone. There may be no way to avoid Orange Hands.
But if you're up to it, I'll lend you a map of his lair. He's crossclassed pretty deep into Energy Drink Alchemy though, so while it's easy to catch him on the shitter, he moves fast and shakes harder than the tits on a dwarven cocktail mixer.
Maple the depraved dryad?
I seem to recall a story on new years eve/day, a couple of years ago...
Adventurere marcus was hit with a reincarnate spell, and turned into Maple the dryad...
Nah. I just randomly picked the name of the first leaf I saw looking out the window, while thinking of syrup.
Maybe Syrup would be a more culinary and depraved name.
>I won't spread your spices to the heartless sea.
>We are... Domino Dogs.
My character is a baker.
KNEEL BEFORE THE SPATULA KHAN!
Yes. Found it.
It's out of season, being not christmas at the moment.
But here's the story of Maple.
Dryadfag, if you're out there, I wanted the rest of the story so bad.
I'm torn between punching you in the jaw for high heresy against the food gods... And just taking you under my arm in pity.
The latter's won out. Come on, let's get you some decent fruit cobbler. Rainbow berry sound good to you? What am I saying, you wouldn't even know the taste! Come on, you need to see what you've been missing. By the time we're done, you won't even be able to LOOK at canned food again!
~When you're cookin' up some evil,
And you wanna have some fun,
Make sure to use the
Actual Evil Food does not Sing and Dance. Some assembly required
All I see is dinner. RAISE YOUR SPATULAS AND TRAYS, LET THE COOKING BEGIN
Get on my level
It's been a while since i read it, but as i recall the dude talking to him was being an edgy faggot an acting like he wasn't impressed and the barbecue was lame.
With the pies Thor was proving that this was the craziest barbeque ever.
Well, nobody said having a Butcher was a bad thing for battle and beefbrawls. Just until they go insane and lovingly strap you down to sample your flank to prove just how good of a steak they can make, with only the finest ingredients: You.
>Someone went out with Maple in the town tonight?
>Well, at least lunch will be good again tomorrow.
>Jessica I KNOW it's one of the Forbidden Acts to eat that. But after the Trek Burgers I don't think we'll ever be clean. Pass the wine and crackers.
This thread is great for all this cooking and food related discussion, except for the people try to make it fetishy as fuck.
Just can't control yourselves til the weekend, can you?
You mad cuz your cookin' doesn't bring the ladies round to your table, so all you can do is be a food critic. You're an NPC class for a reason.
There's no real ideas to be had. It's novel and fun to discuss if flavor, dull to mechanize and detail with rules. There's plenty of ideas how to reskin anything for a food-focused joke game with fry liches and spatula knights and legit ideas for extreme food as quests and rewards.
Hey, I'm in a screen cap!
Because that is your fetish...
>you have been bested in the gladiatorial arena, your heads hang low knowing an imperial seal was so close
>just one swing of the axe and it was over, your dreams of getting into that armory were gone
>out of the corner of your eye you spot another banner
>same imperail symbol same prize
> Its a cooking contest to be the next royal chef
> "anyone know how to cook?"
> "Anyone can cook, its EASY"
> "Yeah its just a lotta fanchy worsh and shpishes and shit *hic* "
> "Ok so were chefs now, think cooking"
> "Tatrak not so good at cook, many fires"
> "Look its FINE, cooking is EASY, just give the orc the cleaver, let Osaih handle the spices and ill blag the rest, lets find some chefs hats"
> "that'll fit a dwarf"
>*sigh* "MISTEM WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION EVERY TIME"
>and yet it's necessary for those time when they have to fight the gagantuan food horrors unleashed on the world
I'm not sure why you'd be offended. If you worked in the restaurant industry you'd know it's a horribly sordid place full of criminal people and gross misadventure, from chef to server to customer; all of an art and pitiful act of appearing refined or as is there's fucks to be given amongst an orgy of restrained gluttony and unabashed lust barely kept in check.
All food is lewd.
>We thought she would, like... just be a bigger Maple. She was, for the first extra 5 feet or so. Then it got weird. I mean the hundred branch arms, the roots with mouths, the butcher 'knives' formed out of leaves as big as a horse... and we just kept growing her, we had no other option. She just kept screaming something in that creepy bush language of hers and before you know it there's cake batter everywhere and out come the Insulin Shields.
>Betty Bakes was never seen again, and good riddance.