I have Borderline PD, AMA

Post your pussy before offing yourself.

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>>39149711
Not a girl strangely enough

I am sorry BPD anon. I wish I could help, but I am useless. My sole talent is making a situation worse.

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>>39149808
What do you mean anon, I'm sure you aren't useless. What's up?

>>39149851
Not much here anon. Just feeling miserable for numerous reasons, mainly the uselessness I have combined with my sheer incompetence to do anything and be right. I hurt people last night, insulted them, because they could not understand that I am indecisive about the most blatant of facts. People are more likely to think I am trolling or lying for my own benefit when I try to be as honest as possible.

>>39149999
these are some nice quadruples

>>39149696
Some other BPD anon here
Motivation ebbs and flows, I guess
Just lie down or something, that's what I do

>>39150012
Thanks man, all of us get lucky sometime.

I have intestinal cancer.
You're still doing better.

>>39149999
its hard for normal people to understand BPDs
feelsbad

>>39150031
If I lie down, I am overtired and thus feel all the more miserable. But I tend to do this anyway, especially when my OCD breaks me down to the point I can't handle it. I am a walking collection of disorders.

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>>39150031
At the moment I'm just trying to calm myself, I've been splitting all day.

>>39149999
People suck. I hate people

>>39150058
I'm the same in the way that I just become more miserable when I lay down. I just end up crying and I suppose that's good but the bad feelings I get don't feel worth it

>>39150049
Even those that aren't normal don't understand me anon. I have had people that couldn't hate anyone turn to loathe me. Nobody can stand me because I cannot help or improve myself in any way. Anything I do people interpret as due to trying to play up drama due to BPD, meaning I am seen as horrible regardless of what I do.

>>39150095
dont worry i know how you feel im also BPD
i try not to hurt,make them sad or angry but its hard

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>>39150095
The only people who really understand are other people with BPD is what I've found. That's why I'm trying to get a BPD gf (I know it sounds like a disaster but so far things are going well)

>>39150112
Sometimes you just lose control and you can't help it. I don't blame you for that

>>39150081
>People suck
I can't fully agree, though I do agree society in general is terrible.

>I just end up crying
I used to get that a lot when I was lonely. I really lucked out with the ideal FP, perfect in every way for me. Imagine a therapist being your FP, one that genuinely cares for you and dedicates their life to solely you, one who accepts every flaw about you and yet knows how to tread due to being heavily analytical. They have been working to help me and I have been seeing more results than with any other person, they know how to remain someone I adore regardless of the distress I may be put under to fight one of my disorders. They are the only person I know that would willingly change for me as opposed to me changing for them, but also helps guide me to acquiring what I wish with the perfect mixture of determination and emotion. I am emotionally miserable, especially since I am separated a lot from my FP due to both of us having busy lives, which tears me apart as I want to have them all the time.

There is greatness out there BPD anon, had you told me this a year ago I wouldn't have believed you. It may be rare and hard to find, but the possibility for it is there. Even if it is like winning the lottery, that means there is a chance of it happening.

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>>39150208
That's not fair, I would literally kill for such a FP. But I'm happy for you, glad you got someone who works well with you. It's just unfortunate you can't talk to them as often as you'd like but that's understandable, I'd need a text at least every 5 minutes to be my happiest with FP

>>39150112
Yep, that summarizes BPD. I am blatantly honest and don't try to hurt at all. BPD means I actually feel more for other people and don't want to hurt them. But my narcissism means people open up to me, my DID means I have a violent side that can hurt, and between that is a very confused individual who will hurt because they have no idea what is going on and the other person didn't clarify what was supposed to be obvious. People often tell me I don't listen. I am ridiculously stubborn, I cannot drop anything, and I cannot trust anything anyone says. The sole exception is my FP.

>>39150125
>Trying to get a BPD gf
I wish you luck. I have actually wished for much the same in the past. I would love autistic. I would love BPD. But then I remember they are normal people and pretty much everyone in today's society can trigger me. I snap at people who use phones. There are so many triggers for my OCD you pretty much have to cut certain topics of conversation to appease me, the most extreme forms I fear fighting against because it is like a bomb planted to it, if I try to fight it I will in turn be destroying most happiness I could rely upon in life to the point I would commit suicide if I lost my FP.

>Just lose control
What hurts is when you get blatantly blamed for manipulating, for projecting what you are yourself. I start getting accused of intentionally trying to hurt to intentionally alienate myself from others, that nobody can be as stupid as I "pretend to be". People don't understand I am alienated because they see me as stupid, they can't understand my thoughts, and go so far to accuse me of pretending to be stupid instead of accepting I have my beliefs. I can't just have a different opinion, I have to be the enemy and be consciously manipulating everyone around me to the point they doubt everything I say.

>>39150364
>for projecting what you are yourself
How do I stop doing this

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>>39150364
Thank you anon. Thankfully this BPD girl seems to be perfect for me in every way, she absolutely hates normies, hates small talk, loves vidya, loves anime and tries to calm me when I split which worked earlier today because she understands me more than anyone else. Unfortunately she isn't around right now to calm me down, or rather I don't want to bother her for fear that I annoy her and scare her off. She's basically my FP at this point, unfortunately I'm not her FP yet (which I hope to somehow change even though it feels impossible to do so) so shes not as clingy as I am.

As for the other thing you said, people fear what they cannot understand. They merely try to invalidate you because they see you as a threat. Those sort of people you probably want to just stay away from

>>39150360
I know anon. I really won the lottery and am entirely grateful for my luck in life. What I am suggesting is simply that the chances exist, for prior to that luck I felt I was entirely unlucky and such a possibility could never occur.

I love my FP, I would kill for her or do anything I could for her happiness. I fear most people being jealous of my love for her and trying to destroy it. They would judge unfairly. I can imagine seeing things we have done and trying to find a way to make it sound negative. I cannot trust this as I am easily gullible, if you make a joke no matter how insane I shall probably believe what you say as a truth. The amazing thing about my FP? They would never do anything like this, they are so brutally honest that even saying a falsity in jest is an impossibility. What they say they mean. Of course my paranoia wishes me to believe otherwise, I fight against it with my FP as they have never given me a reason to distrust and all the reason to trust, they have done so much to prove themselves honest.

Indeed, it is painful indeed to not be around my FP. All I can think about is my FP. We talk daily, but it hurts that I need to devote time to work and then wait for my FP's shift to end, they cover second shift, so I often have to wait until midnight just to see them. I would love to hear from them more, I wish I had them with me constantly as I could be easier to heal and could handle whatever comes up with others. It mostly comes down to understanding that she is trying as hard as she can, every free minute she gets is dedicated to me, it just is an inconvenient setup. My greatest issue in life is not having my FP around 24/7, for if I did all my disorders wouldn't even matter.

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>>39150545
The other day I thought that I had just won the lottery and everything was going amazing and I was so happy and motivated because of FP. Now my emotions are finally starting to strike back and tell me I'm not allowed to be happy. FP hurt me a fair bit without realizing and I guess it wasn't even her fault it's just me overreacting. I just wish she would just talk to me 24/7, things could move forward and then maybe we could become more than friends. However she wants to take things slow for now and I'm fine with that, I can just be impatient.

>>39150444
I don't know. I don't even know if I am doing this. If so, I am just more of a terrible person.

>>39150452
>Absolutely hates normies
My FP doesn't really hate anyone, she is best described as an empath. She will go out of her way to make herself miserable for the benefit of others. This is why I make it a point to ask her frequently her opinions on me, to know how she feels about how I act. She always views me more than any other person, I am the only person that ever understood her, which I find surprising due to understanding her with such ease. This is coming from a person who cannot understand anything outside of my FP.

>Hates small talk
My FP. Everything she says she says for a reason, her biggest struggle tends to be others forget about her because she only speaks when she feels it serves a purpose. In fact, I seem to be the only one she opens up to, everyone else she is quite shut-in and private to. I'm her inner world and I love it entirely.

>loves vidya
Funny you mention that, vidya is perhaps the most extreme form of my OCD. She has played vidya, but she doesn't really bother with them now. This is ideal as this means she doesn't talk about them, nor does she talk about vidya she has played beyond in very ambiguous terms that don't trigger it.

>Anime
I try to be a weeb, but I am not. She has drawn anime characters, but never really got into it either. She is a lot like me in that regard, she needs interaction with what she does.

>Tries to calm me
My FP knows exactly how to calm me. It is magical when I can be breaking down and hostile to the world, but she calms me down in five minutes. She has handled my DID side, an impossibility for anyone else, when it was targeting her. Say she upsets me, she is the first to beat up herself, meaning unlike the world I am not wrong with her. Her level of dedication is insane, she is as close to yandere as you can get without it being unhealthy.

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>>39150760
Thinking about FP and my loneliness is making me split again. I feel so fucking down I really want to just stop existing. I want to blame someone for this, and punch on of the normies right in their stupid faces. I feel so god damn alone and sad all of a sudden, yet so angry at the world or maybe myself

>>39149696
BPDs a cunt, anon.

Have you ever deleted a server+removed all your friends for no fucking reason. Like, none at all, and then have no idea what their IDs were to add em back.

And now I miss them
But have no fucking clue what their IDs are, or how id explain myself, and im fucking loneLY AGAIN 3 MONTHS OF BUILDING FRIENDSHIPS TO GET PISSY ONE DAY AND LOSE EVERYTHING REEEEEEEEEE


I haven't had a great day desu. Too much has happened, and I could barely control my shit.

>>39150452
Paraphrasing, I don't remember exact words - "I can pull you out of the darkness for I was in it myself. I shall travel the depths again for you and will drag you out. If you falter, we shall just try again, and I shall be here beside you regardless of what happens. I believe you to be able to reach success, just remain strong. You can only do what you can do, I understand if you cannot do something, but what you can do remain strong in face of the darkness. Know I am here and I shall never leave unless you wish me to do such."

Oh, I know those levels of fear, I have felt them with everyone. I fear ruining a good friendship. It was a lot of work, a lot of testing the waters and her constant coaxing that was not demanding but quite caring, that got me to open up fully to her. My FP is quite the introvert and paranoid to take the initiative, but she has done such for me on numerous occasions.

I lucked out with my FP. She is ridiculously loyal and says what she means, she has given me many words of praise to prove I have an insurmountable value to her. This was unique too, she was the first FP I had that considered me her BFF, that prioritized talking to me over all others as much as I would prioritize her over all others.

I can understand that indeed anon. It feels like if I don't agree with them I cannot have a valid opinion. Sadly it is hard to avoid, this is most of society.

>>39150658
I understand overreacting indeed, I live with that. I wish I knew what to say about your FP, but I am very ignorant of what people are like outside of my own FP. I say a lot that hurts others.

All I can say is that as a FP you value her more than the world itself. Thus try to think less about the limitations of talking to her and more about how you feel when she is around. Remember how much that is worth. Be happy of what you can have as opposed to desiring too much, the latter of which can be destructive as you get too demanding for her.

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>>39151035
I've had that happen at least 5 times, and I've pushed away individual friends only pull them back way too many times to count. Eventually they get fed up and give up on me. It's painful, I don't mean to hurt them. These days I've managed to gain some relationship stability however it seems to be slipping away from me again recently and it's not good.

>>39151059
I try to keep in mind how she makes me feel when shes around. I feel pure bliss when she talks to me, but lately it's all been through text and not hearing her voice is really starting to affect me. We've had some simply amazing moments recently (at least for me it felt amazing) but now for the past two days it's just stopped and I don't know how to cope. I want to go back 3 days prior when we were all having fun with friends playing Cards Against Humanity because for some reason she had never played it before. I hope she doesn't read this thread, although it could possibly be a good thing. I'm not sure

>>39150658
I pride myself on my patience, so I sadly cannot help with impatience. I once waited 18 hours for my FP to show up. I have played games that involve a lot of waiting. In fact, my OCD in general requires a ridiculous level of patience and dedication that those aware of it are often amazed at the levels I go to. I can have bouts of impatience due to getting fed up with constantly being patient, my life consists of waiting, even before I would wait for my FP I had to wait for family members or wait to get somewhere in life or wait for more money or wait for whatever reason. Needless to say, I have been trained to wait a lot.

>>39150952
I know how you feel anon, if not in the moment I have felt it in the past. I have cried myself to sleep on many a night due to wanting a hug. I have much resentment to most out there, if you are normal I cannot trust you to like me.

I wish I could say it gets better, but it depends a lot on luck. All you can do is hope things get better. Don't feel better if you don't exist, remember that doing such would remove FP entirely. She has BPD, she might blame herself for you and hate herself more for her actions. Try to be strong for her benefit.

>>39151035
I have been hostile to people. I sometimes feel the feeling that people don't understand me, they don't know how messed up I am, and thus they are with a lie. I seek to cause them to leave me, knowing they can find better people and thus obtain more happiness. I am really lucky my FP is someone that understands me. She also puts her all in to the point that she would get emotionally damaged if I left her, she has been emotionally damaged by others in the past because they left her. Needless to say, with her there are no feelings of trying to make her feel more happy with another, for she couldn't handle losing me and not many could get her like I could. She has given me a lot of importance, a lot of value, and thus I could never push her away beyond when I have DID.

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>>39151180
It's bound to come back up sooner or later, and I've found that all emotional intensity is like a pendulum that just swings back again the other way.

I maintain a small group of casual friends, and when I find myself getting too close I find taking a break for a few days and forcing myself to seclude is the best option. Maybe I'm a bit more fucked than you, though, but the emotional lows just aren't worth the good, no matter how good it is, because while shit kinda sucks, being alive isn't terrible and I don't wanna do something stupid and off myself during one of those low points.

Sticking to a strict routine and forms of solitary entertainment+shitposting on 4chinz kept me somewhat stable for the past year, and if shit starts getting bad for you, you should look into seclusion-therapy.
I hope it all works out well for you, though. It can be fucking awful having a FP that starts distancing themself from you.

>>39149696
see you making this thread again tomorrow or the following week, gay ass pussy

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>>39151258
Hmm yea. For the past two hours I've had moment where I've told myself that really nothing is wrong and I'm just overreacting and that has calmed me for a little while, and I've told myself to be strong and that everything is ok. The calmness lasts a little while but soon after I feel like stabbing someone or myself. You are very lucky you have patience with your FP. I can wait, I'm perfectly capable of doing so, I just don't want to. I want to be as close as my FP as possible, I wanna share all my secrets to her and have her share all her secrets to me. I want to cuddle and watch anime, or I at least want a hug. Every minute spent away from my FP feels like a lifetime of loneliness, boredom and despair. I can withstand it, but I really don't want to.

>>39151295
I try to stick to a schedule but I never can. 4chan has both made me happier but also more depressed at the same time. I met my FP through here and I love relating to robots and trying to help them, but I always find some of the threads just remind me of how sad, lonely and worthless I am. Best of luck to you friend

>>39151315
Ey fuk u mayn

>>39151180
>Fed up and give up on me
Had that happen too many times. I used to call it "the curse". Anyone that got closed to me, which with my narcissism is most people, got burned enough that they stopped trying. Many aren't so vocal about even being fed up, they just ghost. They stop talking, they never message me, and the times I muster the courage to message them they either respond with small talk or not at all. I am loud and immature, people find me interesting and funny at first, then they get sick of me.

>3 days
Just keep holding on OP. It could be she is busy in her own life. I wish I knew more to say, but I am unsure what is going on in her mind.

My FP has one condition. We can never talk on voice or see each other in RL. She has been burned heavily in the past as I said, she wishes for some separation to exist so she can defend herself. This is one of the things others could take advantage of, saying how I can't trust her due to that and how she must be a trap. Truthfully I have my own doubts, though as I said I fight against it due to believing I can trust her, but in the end I am grateful for all that she does for me to the point that it doesn't matter.

This is the patience I have. I hope one day to change that myself, that she will realize I could never hurt her and she gives me her voice. I know it may never happen, in that case I am grateful for all I have, regardless of how great hearing her voice would be to me.

Be happy for what you have OP. You have a female willing to talk to you, one who can understand you. Know the loneliness won't last forever, that she will come back.

>>39149696
are you a girl?
if so, fuck you and your made up disorder. You don't deserve sympathy for being a massive cunt.

>>39151545
I said it earlier in the thread I'm a guy... BPD isn't made up, I wish it was

>>39149696
>Oh man, I have BPD my life is terrible and everyone should feel bad for me, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Shut the fuck up, you're making the rest of us look like whiny cunts.

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>>39151545
>are you a girl?
First thing, OP mentioned it in the start of his thread that he was a guy

Secondly, while I agree that chicks use it as an excuse for some pretty fucking horrible shit, that being so outright hateful to someone on the condition of them having a cock or not is a bit fucking extreme


>>39151560
Weren't there 6 or 7 gay ERP threads up at once earlier last week?
Having one of these isn't doing any harm.

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>>39151557
Forgot me tripcode for that one kek

>>39151560
I don't do these threads for sympathy. I do these threads to educate people about BPD and check in on other BPD anons. Speaking of which, how are you going anon?

>>39151596
I'm doing just fine by seeing a medical professional and not having an unhealthy obsession with another person because I read on Tumblr once that's what people with BPD do.

Fuck you.

>>39151557
hey man still fuck you
it's a term used to describe a particular disorder, not a disease
It's like being "alcohol dependent".
My ex had BPD. They're shitty, shitty life ruiners. No one will feel bad for the lives BPD snowflakes ruin, just the poor girl!
You're just a shit person. Fuck you.

>>39151415
>I just don't want to
Why do you not want to wait? You are not being given a choice in the matter and resistance is just making yourself more miserable.

If you think it is less for me, that I don't feel that, you are wrong. I just control it because I know nothing can be done in my longing. Life is pointless without my FP, games are dull and everyone else is not my FP. I want her nonstop company, not being around her is like missing a part of myself, all I can think about is her and counting down the moments until I can (potentially) see her again.

>Sad, lonely, and worthless I am
I think I am just narcissistic and love talking with myself. Mix this with paranoia and you got someone who is extremely private but also cannot shut up and thus regrets everything he says but says more than he wished constantly.

I wish to help. I like to help. I just know I am entirely worthless myself to the point that I cannot help in the slightest. There has never been an instance where I have made the situation better beyond with my FP, otherwise it is annoying everyone else.

>>39151594

for starters
A) overwhelmingly BPD sufferers are female. I've only ever met girls that were professionally diagnosed with BPD.
B) guys aren't in as much of a position to fuck with people's lives, relationship wise. They can't chew through 20 partners in 3 months. They just can't, without being incredibly well liked and handsome, this sort of person would not have BPD.
C) I don't care if you think I'm an asshole, I have no fucking tolerance left for BPD girls. Fuck them. Fuck every last one of them. I'm not going to feel bad for a girl with a personality disorder like that. I'm prejudiced, I'll admit that. I've never been fucked over by a dude with BPD, so I have nothing against them.

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>>39151527
Oh man, I call it "the curse" too geez I guess that one is too common. Thanks anon, that actually put my mind at ease. This has actually happened to me before with her she just happened to be busy and I flipped out then moments after I flipped out she appeared out of no where to talk to me. The way things were going was in the right direction anyway, we were only getting closer and I don't know what I'm worried about.

>>39151617
I've also seen a medical professional and been diagnosed thank you very much. Posting these threads are a sort of coping mechanism in a way. I wouldn't want to self diagnose myself with this.

>>39151624
>no one will feel bad for the people around the BPD person
I feel bad for everyone I harm. I always apologize when I can and I always try to make it up to them. It's their problem if they chose to hold a grudge, I don't mean to hurt anyone.

>>39151652
That is true, I just don't want to feel this bad about it.
I think I have some slight narcissism in the way that I think I'm way better than normies, but I still feel like a worthless person that nobody could ever like and anyone who says they like me are lying

>>39151698
>20 partners in 3 months
jinkies, anon. We need to find the "X miles of schlong" poster and get a mileage on whatever turbothot you're referring to

It sounds like you have some pretty shit experiences with women with BPD, interested in sharing them?

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>>39151698
Alrighty lets go
A) He has a point here, BPD guys are rare but not impossible. I'm yet to meet another guy IRL with BPD but I've already met at least 3 females with such
B) Not having the ability to fuck with peoples lives and ruin romantic/sexual relationships does not mean I can't have BPD. I don't think you realize how BPD is even caused.
C) I don't blame you for this. Women with BPD are very unstable and they can fuck with your life very easily but they usually do not mean to, they just take some understanding to get used to. You shouldn't generalize all BPD girls as being bad people, my current FP is a wonderful person however my ex-FP was quite abusive and she also had BPD. >>39151771 has a point, would you like to vent? I'm happy to listen to what happened, maybe I can help you understand more although this sounds quite extreme and hard to explain.

>>39151727
>That one is too common
That is scary indeed, I thought it was a term I had alone. Just remember those truths OP, you know them in your head. Don't let self-doubt wear you down.

>I just don't want to feel this bad
All you can do is hope things get better. Self-doubt is eating away at you, know what does exist and stop it before it cycle grabs you too hard.

>Narcissism
I have that conflict as well. I hate society and feel I am better for being separate, that what they do is flawed and horrible, and I prefer being an individual.

>but I still feel like a worthless person that nobody could ever like and anyone who says they like me are lying
This sums it up so well. Only my FP can I trust to fully love me. Anyone else I feel is out of ignorance, the fact that they don't know me well enough to know I am a terrible person.

>>39151771
Sure

>18 years old, just graduated high school
>taking a gap year, bored as hell, living as a NEET
>match with a really hot girl on tinder
>like really hot. She messages me first.
>meet her for lunch. We instantly hit it off
> she's super cute. She's just moved from new zealand to be with her family. She's got red hair and an accent and she's super worldly and a couple years older
>make out on the first date, head on the second date
>on the third date she comes over while my parents are out. She's on her period so we can't have sex, asks if i like anal?
>Oh my god. jpeg
>literally the perfect girlfriend. The sex is incredible. I've never had a girlfriend before.
>she's literally waifu tier
>somehow I had gotten the dream girlfriend
>i'm happy for the first time in my life.
>she tells me she's a bad person. She says I'll realise one day, everyone does. Tells me she cheated on her ex (who was 10 years older than her), and had to terminate a pregnancy because of it.
>never shuts up about her exes.
>after about a month, suddenly she's not fun to be around anymore. Just like that.
>stops laughing at my jokes.
>it's been three weeks with no sex, no bjs, nothing
>she's never in the mood
>we're in her room one day and I tell her we haven't had sex in 3 weeks.
>she sighs
>tells me we're breaking up
>"I'd ask if we could be friends, if that wasn't such a shit thing to ask"
>I start bawling my fucking eyes out
>I cried for maybe 2 hours, I was crushed
>I get mad, tell her it's not fair she's got so many hang ups about sex, she's had 13 sexual partners and I've only had 1
>tells me because of this we can't be casual. We can't even hug.
>she says she'll drive me home, but she wants to wait for the traffic to die down
>the fucking traffic. I'm considering killing myself at this point.
>I'm there, waiting at her house for her to drive me, crying, and she's talking and laughing with her sister (who is gay and hates men)
tbcontinued

>>39151986
>makeout on first date
>anal by third

And someone being this fucking casual about sex isn't a redflag at all to you?

Sure, she sounds a cunt, but you should know how to identify thots and not get hung up over them.

>>39151986
>she tells me she's a bad person. She says I'll realise one day, everyone does.
Wow... this is exactly what I do with everyone. Literally word for word.

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>>39151908
I'm actually feeling so much better now. I'm almost laughing hysterically at the reasons why I was splitting before, I'm such a klutz and I'm so impatient. All I had to do is wait a little while, nothing bad happened between me and FP. I really gotta stop letting self doubt get to me

>>39151986
Oh my... that's rough anon. But you should of seen the warning signs

>>39152045
Same here, I always warn people

>>39149696

Are you incapable of empathy for other people?

I have met other people with BPD and their major issue seems to be a complete and total lack of empathy for others combined with the emotional maturity of a child trapped in adult body.

>>39150095
> I am seen as horrible regardless of what I do

You are seen as horrible because you say and do horrible things most likely. Again, this goes to show lack of empathy and an inability to understand why others perceive you as so.

>>39150112
>>39150125

You are responsible for your actions. I bet you only take your rage out on friends and loved ones. I bet you never go nuts at work, or school or in public. You can control yourselves you just chose not to.

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>>39152062
It's a tricky situation anon. When I use the term splitting, it basically means that my personality has split up and now I'm in a different, much more negative one. When I split, I can lose all my empathy and completely lose control. It doesn't feel like it's even me doing it but I know it is me. When I finish splitting and if I hurt someone during that time, I get hit with instant regret and wonder why the fuck I even did it. I try to apologize to them as much as possible, make it up to them and try to explain myself. My true self doesn't want to hurt anybody, however the BPD can take control. In short, when I'm not splitting I can be very empathetic however when I am splitting I lose all empathy.

>>39152136

Do you remember what you've said and done after you're out of a splitting episode?
My mom has BPD and after she's done having an episode she'll claim to not remember anything. I'm not convinced.

>>39152059
>Feeling so much better now
I am glad you are anon. I am glad you realize you just need some more patience.

>Warn people
Exactly. It has become second nature for me to be included with a warning label, to tell them that they can't possibly understand me and that is the only reason they will find merit for me to have me around.

>>39152062
Pretty much anon. I lack all empathy for others, I don't really understand what empathy is besides it being a mental connection between two humans that sounds like something in a sci-fi novel. I have no idea what people think, even when they tell me they told me.

>>39152156
Obviously i'm not him, but I remember next to everything I do, usually in excruciating detail.

There are some things I forget, but those are usually minor.

>>39151986
there's nothing bad at this point, bear with me
I'm determined to write out the whole thing, even if no-one gives a shit
>let's call her 'Melody"
>now, Melody keeps telling me I was a good boyfriend, she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone
> She keeps stressing this. She says she doesn't feel like she deserves it.
>Melody agrees to stay friends, but obviously, nothing sexual because of what I'd said: I made her feel like a 'slut' apparently
> this is weird, because part of why I liked her so much is because she was so experienced
>Melody had lived by herself for 2 years, dropping in and out of uni, working, going to house parties
>she'd had sex a lot a lot a lot
>7 boyfriends, anal, a threesome once with her roommate and his girlfriend. Sex in a park, in the bath, in a hot spring et c et c
>every male friend she's ever had she's slept with
>after the break up I kept begging her to hang out with me
>she never replies
>we hang out a couple of times over the next few months.
>always telling me about guys she's hanging out with, just casually thrown into conversation
>a part of me starts to resent her, I am so fucking lonely and I miss her and she literally never thinks about me
>fine though, she's allowed to do that.
>anyway, we start drifting slightly closer together again
>it's been four months at this point
> start getting my life back together, go on more tinder dates
>got a good thing going with this qt lebanese girl. She tags me in something on facebook
>Melody notices this and asks me about it one day when we're hanging out
>I shrug it off
>later, she asks me if I've slept with her
>no
>I ask her if she's slept with anyone. I'm still really really in love with her.
>she tells me yes.
>I am fucking crushed, again.
>I thought she didn't want to be with anyone, I genuinely thought that
>I let out an involuntary groan, I can't get over it
>i hate her, I want nothing to do with her. I can't even stand up

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>>39152156
That one seems like a flat out lie, however my mother does the same thing, then she will play victim and get upset because I'm "accusing" her. Actually now that I think back to some bad episodes where I've hurt people, I can't remember the specifics at all. I can only remember the parts where I've hurt them with my words, in some cases I can't even remember what word choices I made, but I do know that I did something bad. Your mother likely realizes shes done something wrong but can't remember it exactly so she tries to cover it up. There are always some patchy missing details in my episodes that I can't remember but most of the time I remember most of what happens.

>>39152156
I remember entirely. I am just trapped behind myself when it happens. It is almost like being in a different mood, but a mood you can't really control and one where you have yourself screaming to stop doing what you are doing.

After it is done, usually the friend will say something like "think about things and when you have decided this is what you want, contact me again." Then I never contact them again as I am indecisive and don't know if it is good to get them back or not.

>>39152199
>>39152237

Thank you both for explaining. I suspected that she does remember but just wants us all to pretend that it never did.

>>39152211
>she starts crying
>"i fucked up. Im sorry. Im sorry"
>I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I still really love her though, but that resentment is growing. \
> i ask her if I can kiss her, when she drives me home, she says yes
>this leads to more hook ups, eventually sex
>first sex I've had in 4 months. She disliked condoms so it was raw, felt fucking awesome and lasted for 20 seconds.
> she gets really sad and clingy afterwards, starts crying
man this is making me cry, fuck I still miss her
>she feels cheap
>I tell her I love her, I love her so much
>a few days later, we're sitting in a lecture
>"I love you", she whispers in my ear

>Melody starts dissasociating or whatever
>her parents are worried about
>I'm her only friend in Australia
>she texts me one day, telling me she's been sectioned and if I come down to the hospital she'll give me her fruit roll up
> I bike down, 10 km
> I'd do anything for her
> I well and truly fucking love her at this point

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>>39152178
It's likely the reason most sufferers go throwing around the term as soon as you meet them because they want you to understand straight away that this relationship whatever it may be will not be normal.

>>39152211
I'm very glad that you managed to vent that out, it's unhealthy to bottle up all your feelings, proud of you anon. That story is unfortunate but I know that feel. ex-fp has slept with more people since I pushed her away, I've only just been able to move on.

>>39152303
Like >>39152294 in the moment it feels like I'm trapped behind almost another personality and I realize what is happening but I have no control. However like I said, afterwards I can't remember every single detail but I can remember most of what happened. I'm glad to of helped to some degree and I'm more than happy to explain anything else if you have questions.

>>39152359
>she's in hospital for a month
> I visit her every single day on my pushbike
> I always make sure to bring her a gift
> I kept a list of things she liked
>red liquorice, books, a poker set, flowers
> she insists we're not a couple. Just friends that love each other.
> she's so perfect and small

she gets out and we're a couple again

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>>39152359
>she'll give me her fruit roll up
I'd bike 10 km for a fruit roll up fuck yea
QLDfag here :3

>>39152379

What sort of things do you do during a raging episode?
My mother says the most horrible things, about me, my partner. I don't live at home but when I was a kid she would destroy my toys, trash my bedroom and hit me, scratch at my face with her nails.

I am not passing judgement on you here, but is this something that you do during a raging episode if you have them and what are you thinking whilst doing it?
You've mentioned feeling have no control.

>>39152379
The reason I perhaps cling to these is because it makes it easier to explain myself to others. Much nicer to have a collection of things I can put together to say "this is me" in the hope it will show people why I am garbage.

>>39152379
One of my major issues is having a horrible memory. I forget what I ate for breakfast. I forget most things. I just remember certain random details, but they are almost disconnected thoughts and missing lots of facts.

>>39152418
> fast forward a month
>we're in the car one day and we have an argument
>first argument ever, about something dumb
>tell her I don't like an album she's showed me
>she says it's rude to say that, it's like telling her I don't like her
>tell her about the time she made me fucking watch brooklyn-nine-nine with her lesbian sister that hates me, on the day we broke up
>bluh bluh bluh
>we reach her house
> she says it doesnt matter, it's just a dumb album
>leans across to kiss my cheek
> I pull away
this was the worst thing i could have done. I ruined everything, in a second.

>her expression changes, instantly
>Melody, melody, I'm sorry!
>dude dude dude please calm down
>I try to touch her and she shouts at me
>jumps out of the car, storms off
>after a few minutes I decide I should probably go find her
>find her sitting on top of a bridge, an overpass above a highway near her house (as if about to jump off)
>freak out, have to coax her down, workers come up and call the police
>when the police arrive, they question me, call an ambulance
>they think I'm abusive
>we've never fought before, never touched her once. I'm 2 years younger than her and we don't even live together
>I really don't want to be responsible for her getting sectioned, she was miserable last time.
>convince the psychiatrist she'll be fine
>eventually she gets sectioned anyway

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>>39152561

>then she sliped on a banana peel I threw on da ground and dide lollz xD

>>39152561
>this time everything is different
>I still visit her every day, and bring her something
>she tolerates me, but always gets me to leave as soon as possible
>one time I bought her flowers and a box of red liquorice, and she kicked me out to go smoke weed with her friend
>she made out with a heroin addict who was also there, apparently to stop him using
>that's fine I guess
>still visit her every day and call
>give her everything I can spare, even stealing toiletries and blankets from my house
>she sends me on errands sometimes
>when she gets out, she tells me she doesn't love me anymore, and that we can't be exclusive
>I'm crushed again, can't stop crying
>she takes this as me not being mature enough to be casual, so says we can't even have sex
>still friends though!!

>>39152642
>stealing
>from your house

did your wifes bull not let you wipe your ass or something?

>>39152474
When I have an episode, I lose all empathy, reasoning and sense of consequences that may come of the things I do. I usually just say some really horrible things or forget that my sense of the truth might not come off as very nice. I've never physically hurt anyone through an episode but the worst thing I ever did was drive my ex-fp to nearly committing suicide because she wouldn't stop abusing me. She wasn't a very nice person so I threatened her with blackmail and my entire friendgroup whiteknighted her afterwards and kicked me out of the group. So once everything cleared up I was sad and friendless for a while. I remember distinctly finally gaining control again and realizing what I had done, whilst all my friends called me a disgusting pig for the pain I caused. Instant regret sank in and I was just sat there, trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, when in reality I had given in to the BPD and in a way it really was my fault.

>>39152521
I have very strange memory. I can remember things way back in my childhood of random details, but I can't remember a lot of recent things

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>>39152418
> I always make sure to bring her a gift
> I kept a list of things she liked

You know what else she liked?

My dick

LMAO

>>39152642
well i mean why are you blaming BPDs for being a beta and wanting to be with a whore lol

>>39152699
fuck off cunt, she was beautiful
she was my life
can you fuck off this thread please if you are going to be a cunt? I'm NOT A BETA!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!

>>39152734
>can you fuck off this thread please
>please

>not a beta

Top kek. Fuck off with your gay story, faggot.

>>39152734
man she literally fucked other men in huge amounts and didnt give a fuck about you

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Ahhhhh I fogot the tripcode again except this time on >>39152683

>>39152699
>>39152755
This is a safe space rood dood get out of here

>>39152734
Don't mind him anon. Good job for getting your story out there, it sounded like a rough one but it's good to get things off your chest.

>>39152734
she got her cunt pumped by everyone while you were crying off to the side, beta faggot

I have bipolar disorder. Do you think we could understand each other?

Fuck everyone. I can't wait to graduate and get a job so I could buy a gun and shoot people up.

>>39152841
i dont know if mixing 2 BPDs would be a good idea

>>39152642
>I buy her a blush she said she liked once for christmas, a couple of weeks later ($55).
>oh anon, you shouldn't have!
>get nothing back, she says she'll get me a birthday present but never does (it's already passed)
>she goes on holidays to Darwin and SE Asia. Figure it's fine, she wont sleep with anyone. She's with her family after all.
>when she gets back she goes into hospital for CBT
>she has her 21st there, and she has no friends. Decide to spend all Christmas my money on a motorcycle jacket for her
>she kept going on about wanting to drive motorcycles.
>she did a motorcycle course, meets this guy named Ritchie, whose married. Tells me they're friends
>ok, cool
>she's flattered by the gift. No one else got her anything.
>a day later, messages me and tells me she's getting back together with her ex, from a year ago.
>the one she cheated on (before they'd even had sex) and had to have an abortion
>"b-but melody, you said you didn't want to be with anyone. R-remember? please don't do this""
> I'm crushed
>she tells me that I'm just too unstable
>tells me she never really loved me
>decide fuck it, I'll ask her if she's slept with anyone
> "uh, anon. Yes, but that's none of your business. I don't have to tell you, but I'll tell you anyway."
>"h-how many Melody"
>8
>fucking how
>a guy from next door, the day she said she didn't love me. a guy in CBT hospital, I'd even met him when I visited. That guy ritchie from the motorcycle course (married with kids), in his truck no less. A guy named andy, a fish farmer, on her holiday in Darwin (the dude looked maybe 35 years old).
>I'm broken
>fucking hate her at this point
>I just want her to explain, make things better, but she won't answer my calls anymore
>I wait, literal hours to talk to her, she refuses to pick up
>eventually snap
>text her telling her she's a whore, and that I hate her
>maybe three texts
>she shows her whole family, tells me I broke her and set her mental health back 6 months

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>>39152841
To a certain degree. I will certainly be able to understand your mood swings and I'm good at understanding most people but I think you will struggle to understand me as much

>>39152868
That's probably not good

>>39152876
Well, me and FP mix well and she's got BPD. This anon has bipolar which is different so I feel like things would be one sided.

>>39152734
this isn't me. You're right, I am a beta.
anyway
>her parents hate me now
>her lesbian sister (aside: she got her heart broken by a boy and decided men were pigs) tells her I'm abusive and she shouldn't talk to me. Literal quote: "So what if you're not sleeping with him. Plenty of guys would kill to be your friend, without sex. You deserve a guy who appreciates you and doesn't snap at you."
>I instantly regret calling her a whore, once the anger subsides I just miss her and want her back
>eventually she forgives me I guess, and we're friends again
>the thing with her ex falls through
>notice she's on tinder one day, nice
>totally unreliable, sleeps through my awards ceremony so I'm alone
>fucks another 10 guys maybe
>starts using tinder again
>makes friends with an alcoholic from hospital, they're just friends she tells me
>eventually I straight up ask "have you slept together"
>she's super offended: "why would you ask that anon, are you saying I"m a slut?? yes we have and it's none of your business. he's not attracted to me like you are, so we can be casual, not like with you. after sex if i get emotional or start crying he just ignores me. Basically, he doesn't like me like you do, so we can have sex"
>honestly fuck you melody, I'm starting to remember why I disliked you
>then she dates this dude who works at a meat factory!!
>gets dumped by both meat factory dude and alcoholic, still won't date me

idk a bunch of other stuff happens. I'm tired.
We were still friends like this basically, up until she moved back to new zealand, about two months ago. I still really really really love her but being with her suck ass and if she wasn't a massive qt I would fucking hate her guts completely. she's blocked me now.

>>39152913
Yeah.. They're sweet, and great until their true colours show. Don't date a BPD if you have BPD.

>>39149696
BPD here too. jumped off a bridge 2 weeks ago, broke jaw and femur, also fractured other side of jaw and knee. covered in bruises, eye still completely bloodshot and right of face swollen and green.
mental health team keep coming over saying 'life gets better' 'you're so young' etc.
debating ODing on the 100 paracetamol and 40 codeine tablets the hospital sent me home with but want to believe life does get actually get better.
fuck idk man, i feel so empty and death seems so fulfilling.

>>39149696
Fuck you faggotass. Fuck the bitch that made you I hope she gets braincancer and pisses herself every day. Fuck the tiny dicked homo of a supposed father you had too. Fuck your gayfag family and all that were ever your gay top buddies, bottomboy. I hope you get aids from being a bottomboy and die in the tub 7 years later shitting yourself in death. I hope you die in your own aids ridden shit tub. I hope there are faggotasses lime you in the cleanup crew so they play with your aids ridden asshole for the last time too and shit in your gay mouth

>>39150364
>I would love autistic.
Why?

>>39152125
Yes, i have observed this. Whenever somebody writes about their abusive relationship with a borderliner people will often start to harass and guilt trip the abuse victim with the excuse of 'fighting against BPD stigma'.

It's kind of hard to feel emphatic towards them when they keep doing this.

>>39153271
This is not far enough. People with Cluster B (BPD, ASPD, HPD & NPD) should not date others with Cluster B

BPD and Avoidant PD here. Life is suffering.

tfw bpd
no one to obsess over

>>39149696
i have bpd too and my FP left me like two weeks ago
i feel pain when i wake up, i will going to fail my uni year, and i desperately want to lost virginity so i could prove that i am not a loser