I'll never find anyone again. I fucked it all up, will continue to do so. No one will ever love me because I don't even love myself.
>>38961533
Yes, and it's all your fault. Think about it, how can anyone ever love you if you have no traits that would benefit them in any way? Be it emotional or any other. Even your parents deep inside know that you are failure and wish they had different son.
And the worst part is that it's only the beginning, it will get way worse before everything will disappear in nothingness.
>>38962160
I know it's my fault, but I can't change. Everything stays the same while I punish myself for being a worthless piece of shit that society has rejected. No one ever wanted me, so I destroy myself like the world wanted me to be.
>>38962242
then die, anon. die knowing you let the world decide for you.
>>38962242
Okey buddy, disregard first comment, I just had some fun larping. If you wan't I will talk to you and maybe can sway you in right direction as I'v been to hell and back multiple times myself.
>First of, tell me little about yourself.
>>38962258
I'm not happy with the world telling me to die. I'm just an overly sensitive faggot who never had a dad or mother to show me how to feel. How to love and care for things. I think I grew up with a mental illness too, didn't make anything easier. I've been wondering why everyone hates me, but it's probably just myself talking. I project how I feel about myself onto society, and use that as an excuse. I think I'm autistic, I take everything personal. To me, the world is everything that isn't me, individuals are no different from a mob of people. I wanted to help people and give them the things I never had, but the world crushed me. Life isn't like that. People just give me weird looks.
>>38962306
it's a lot of shit dude. Besides what has been mentioned above, every relationship I have been is has turned bad for me. I once had a stepdad who took advantage of his role and brain washed me through drug addiction. I feel like a living conflict, a person who has lived over and over, while living twice at once.
>>38962376
thats ok anon. for me, im schizo and i will never live the life my mother dreamed for me when she gave me up for adoption. i have struggled every step of the way, and i have failed every step of the way too. i have let everyone down, including myself, anon. but above all else, i beg of you to at least find some peace with the way you are.
>>38962258
Damn this actually hit me hard, not OP btw
>>38962258
No I'll live, I'll live just to spite the world with my existence.
>>38962494
I feel at peace, but I know deep down I'm not. I have ignored everything thrown at me. Buried every single emotion, every thought and feeling. When I start to think about how things made me feel, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. That when I blink, I'll become someone else and will find myself in the dark, panting heavily.
I don't want to experience that. I may be crazy, and I'm too afraid to confront it.
>could never register faces in a car as a kid
>looked like cars would drive themselves
>had 0 empathy for others my age
>always asked other kids if they could breathe and see, smell and think like I do
>also exhibit all the symptoms of autism
>the possibility that I may be crazy + autistic scares me
Everyone just wants to talk about their day, what they're interested. Meanwhile I'm suffering on the inside and want to talk about what's bugging me, but when I do people just run. Far away.
>>38962376
>I think I grew up with a mental illness too,
Shut up, if I had to make a list of mental illnesses I could sign under I would be in mental ward. If you are not killing people at night and saving babies by day it's made up bullshit.
>I take everything personal
I do as well, nothing you can change about that. It drags you down, but you forget bad shit as soon something positive happens, and you know that.
>every relationship I have been is has turned bad for me
Once again, yo're not alone. Stop putting relationship as a life goal and you wont give a fuck soon after.
And about your stepdad and people like him - cut the contact, it will improve your life like you wouldn't believe. I do however understand that at the time you probably were too young to make steps like that
>and tell me, how old are you and what you do for living OP?
>>38962583
I haven't spoken to him in years, I cut him out a long time ago. It's just thinking about it that gets me. I realize that I couldn't have done anything, and that it wasn't my fault, but knowing just how fucked things were then, it makes me feel like I'll go crazy thinking about it.
I'm 23 and work retail. Every day I just want to leave, I hate being around other people. It makes me feel uncomfortable and makes me want to drink and hurt myself.
Join the club, faggot.
>>38962630
>knowing just how fucked things were then, it makes me feel like I'll go crazy thinking about it.
That happens to everyone, like when I remember that crazy night when my best friend made out with my crush in front of me. Was like 7 years ago, but if I think about it hard enough I will get depressed. This shit will always bother you and wont go away. Just avoid thinking about things that hurt you. Hard, but no way around it (Except if Ayy lmao's take your memory)
>I'm 23 and work retail.
Don't work at retail, it's what's killing you. Being around self important cunts that most probably are failures can drag down anyone. If I had to work at retail it would be one day mission - either I cripple someone or someone does it to me.
>Do you have any skills to apply for different job?
>>38962805
I have lived computers my entire life. Getting a job working and fixing computers would be the best thing to happen to me. I lack the social skills however, and understand this.
I have no other experience besides retail. I failed out of high school because school ended up turning into a warzone for me. The school work was easy, it was being around everyone else that was hard.
I have fucked up my life. I did this to myself.
I just responded the only way I knew how: running.
>>38962258
>>38962545
>implying the world gives a shit
in reality the world is indifferent to your existence. So living to "spite" the world is just a flimsy excuse because you're too much of a pussy to kys.
>>38962915
>I have lived computers my entire life
Good, computers are easy, especially if working in a small computer service. Find what's wrong and change software/hardware as needed. But as a warning - it's dead end job. If you are not extremely gifted in programming you wont get to higher spot than code writing robot. But it's miles better than retail.
>I lack the social skills however
No you don't. You already are interacting with cunts on daily basis. Going to few places (and I mean going, not e-mail bullshit) after work and asking around wont kill you anymore.Especially if reward is work where no one will bother you except when bringing or collecting their tech.
>I failed out of high school
Good, fuck that shit. You are not in un payable debt with little to none chance to compete with that 1-2% best that will have a place to work in their field.
>I just responded the only way I knew how: running.
Everyone runs at some point. I was pathetic cuck and pussy till I was at least 16. But It dont matter anymore. No need to cut yourself over that.
>>38963177
I have the certifications, but I was planning on going back to school as a refresher and to renew them. It's been years since I even thought about computers on an IT level.
I go to work, ignore everyone, and do my job. I only talk to those who talk to me, and I quickly run away when the conversation ends. I know I'm supposed to keep it going, I just don't know how. I can read how much people hate me, and what their body language says, but I don't know the action to take.
I failed out of high school after an entire life of not paying attention. I was a little shitter and never invested into myself, because no one ever invested into me. My teachers just told me I would drown, and they were right. Nevermind the kid who always misbehaves, he can't possibly be dealing with his own shit. Just tell him he will drown and forget about him.
I run away from everything. I'm even running away from you telling me to man up. I'm a fucking coward, a god damn pussy who only knows how to diffuse instead of instigate. That's not how the real world works. We both know that.
>>38963562
>I have the certifications
And that makes it even easier for you to get better job. You don't even need to go back to school to refresh knowledge, use youtube. And you know well that fixing someones PC or setting up router is just following instructions client is too stupid to read. Hell, for the work what i'm doing I will get certificate only next year and that's after starting with no experience or prior knowledge, 4 years of work and getting to executive manager position.
>I only talk to those who talk to me
Me too, I'm extremely avoidant, but work relations and work interview is easier than talking to random strangers. So i don't see problem here.
>That's not how the real world works.
That's right, weak will perish and only the ones with will gonna succeed. So you know what to do, because an hero is not the way man acts.
>>38963809
Anon, you're telling me everything I need to hear. Everything that I already know.
This is why people leave me, I refuse to change even though I already have the tools. I have been dead inside for a long time, and I don't know if that's ever going to change.
I just wish I had a dad and a loving family. Maybe then, maybe I wouldn't have felt so worthless. So worthless that I need to find validation to exist in others.
Thanks anon. I know what I have to do, what I need to do. Doing it is another story, and I can't promise you anything. These are things I have known all along, but even so I still refuse to help myself. I just can't find the love for myself and want to punish me instead.
Thanks anon. I appreciate you.
>>38963901
No bother Anon, you will git gud. Yust transform your sorrow into hatefull motivation and you will be on your feet soon enough.
>>38964002
I don't feel anymore.
I have already worked past that stage, with nothing to show for it. Like I said, I am fucking broken, given up a long time ago.
All we can do is try, right? I'll keep living, then. One day, the possibility for change HAS to be greater than zero, and even if it isn't, what do I have to lose continuing to live? I can always kill myself, but I can't always be happy.
That thought is the only thing that drives me anymore. Thanks again, anon. You tried, and I respect that. All of you can scream as loud as you want, but in the end it's me that has to change. I have heard what you have had to say, just leave the rest to me.
Can't promise you anything, though.
>>38962583
>relationship as a life goal
That was a hard one for me a few years ago, even now. I didn't see a point in acquiring money and shit if I didn't have anyone to spend it with.
Short story version, now I kind of don't care. It's tempting, but I'm just not socially compatible, I can't interact properly so I don't. I used to scoff at things like "love yourself" or "live for yourself/self improvement" but now that's all there is whether you like it or not. Once your illusion of love has been destroyed enough times it should go away for good.
>>38962258
I get the feeling you're a roastie. Only roasties go for such lowblows. Please evacuate the board immediately, thanks.
Live if you want to, OP. Your life.
>>38964236
And that's the problem. I lost my will to live, my will to love people a long time ago. I used to live to make everyone happy, but all anyone ever did was shut me down. Turn me away from wanting to like people. I always believed people were good, because I was good natured myself. I wanted others happy because that's how I wanted to be myself.
Life crushes you sometimes. Eventually there's not enough pieces to pick up to be crushed again. This world has never cared for me, that's how it felt. And now, that's how I feel about everyone. I could give less of a shit about others, but deep down inside all I want to do is help. I want to save the world, but no one wants to save me, and that's because I don't want to save myself.