Psychological Issues #107

>>38636191

Stop impersonating me. You don't have the qualifications that I do.

>>38636242

The only way this is going to work (temporarily) is if you start the thread yourself. Then people might believe you until a regular points out that you aren't me. It'd be a great irony: you'd be opening the thread you want closed. So I don't expect you to do it.

I assume you're here for trolling fun more than the cause.

Have a nice thread.

Everybody please sage this thread, the imposter will intentionally give you bad advice. I'll post the real thread in a few hours when I'm done with work.

And by "work" of course I mean weeping about one of the numerous trolls stealing LO away from me and breeding her like I never could. I'm so pathetic.

I can't sleep, so I'll hang out with you Nicks while I have a snack and wait to collapse.

>>38636316

Too bad, I'm a teacher and thus on holidays. Everyone knows that.

But eh, I will be thrilled to see your thread and the advice you give.

>>38636359

Ah come on, I was looking forward to your fake thread attempt. You're dropping the ball even before it gets interesting, on purpose.

>>38636360

Hello, Meta. Have you tried those videos I sent you? (From another anon.)

>>38636191
Hey Nick. Glad to see the list of verified trips, it has been getting a bit crazy lately. Of course, I am Winter Coat, not Winter Coats, which you probably got due to my nickname of Coats.

In any event, nice to see you!

>>38636373
No, I didn't watch them. I'm not really interested in them right now. Today, I've been thinking about what I want to do with myself in the next few weeks aside. I feel that I'd like to have a project that isn't just studying (which I will also likely fail to do as much as I should, but that's a different conversation). Something in a creative vein. It'd be nice to have something I'm actually motivated to do that isn't just mindless entertainment.

>>38636453
>Of course, I am Winter Coat, not Winter Coats,

Correct, I hadn't even noticed. Duly corrected.

What's up?

>>38636453

I've never gotten your name wrong. Please don't respond to the troll. You were there, you should remember I had to make a new trip.

>>38636476
Hey, at least you can still tell its me, so its perfectly fine.

Not much here. Just the average day so far.

>>38636470

How about those videos then? It sounds like a good project to overcome your OCD, it would make all other projects easier as well, and that's a valid reason to have that as a first project. No?

>>38636485

You've already dropped the ball, in case your forget. It happened right here:

>>38636359
>And by "work" of course I mean weeping about one of the numerous trolls stealing LO away from me and breeding her like I never could. I'm so pathetic.

>>38636485
Oh yeah, I entirely remember Nick #2. Sorry, I get confused between you trolls. Which one are you again?

>>38636523

He isn't literal, Coats, he's trying to make you think he's really me.

>>38636517
It's valid, but I'm doing better with my OCD and as I said, I'm not interested in those videos right now.

>>38636536
But he said before his name was Nickole. He must be the girl version of you.

Good thing we didn't veto the form.

I also got in with the qt cash register girl, we're going to go see a movie on sunday.

>>38636517

Please stop trying to Danrail my series of threads. Delete this one, it's not an official thread.

>>38636523

I'm the real Nick, the one that ignores you, the one that throws a fit and leaves when someone says something negative about me.

>>38636575

Nice!

>>38636569

Maybe, maybe. I'm not in a great mood right now, so expect me to be slow and down.

>>38636562
I need to watch those videos myself. The irony is I have kept myself so busy that I am avoiding games entirely, meaning my greatest struggle is one I am luckily not dealing with at the moment but still probably quite present. When I get some more time on the weekend I probably will check out some more of the videos. I guess I erroneously assumed the first four explained what needed to be done in enough detail.

Of course, going back to it would be confronting my OCD... I tend to have a problem breaking order and tend to reset the order if I haven't touched it in a bit of time in the event that I possibly missed something. So I would be more likely to rewatch the videos I already watched and stop again at #4 due to my fear of getting too much information at one time, ending up in some weird cycle where I just keep watching the first few videos. Needless to say, I am not very good with Youtube videos. One of my greatest problems with tutorial series, it needs to be done in one-go or I just will keep going in circles.

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>>38636603
>Please stop trying to Danrail my series of threads

>Danrail

Almost a nice try, but only Dan can Danrail a thread. You'd know that if you were me.

>>38636603
>I'm the real Nick, the one that ignores you, the one that throws a fit and leaves when someone says something negative about me.

I ignore trolls, yes. But I never throw a fit and leave. I leave when it's late for me. If I throw a fit, it's never at trolls, for one, and I stay for a long time. I have to care for you if I throw a fit about you.

>>38636603
>The one that ignores you
You know... I am not so sure Nick. You didn't ignore me here. You might need to prove it more by ignoring me more often.

>Throws a fit and leaves
Then why haven't you left yet? All the trolls have been saying mean things and you apparently can't take it, so I advise you leave Nick.

>>38636633
I understand Nick, I am sorry to hear you are still pretty negative.

>>38636656
Indeed, this didn't make any sense. Danrail? Do they not understand the term?

I know you care Nick and I enjoy your company. While I am telling other Nick to leave, I wish you to stay.

>>38636643
Not too long ago, I had to reread passages from books if I accidentally skipped a word. Sometimes just the sentence containing the missed word, sometimes much more to ensure that I could still say I read it in its entirety. This would happen a lot and severely impacted the fluidity and enjoyment of the reading process.

Could you give up games altogether for a while?

>>38636677

Smart.

>>38636701
>Indeed, this didn't make any sense. Danrail? Do they not understand the term?

We are raided by low-tier trolls, sadly.

BBL PHONE

I'm no longer sure if I want to die or if I enjoy reveling in the pain better.

My compulsive liar girlfriend finally left me, although it's more like I abandoned her considering her mental state.

Oh well. To the depths of hell with me it is.

>>38636633
> Nice!
Glad you're suprised about it I suppose, only thing I stand to get out of it is (maybe) some sex and (maybe) an xbox.

Movie is the new Planet of the apes one, her choice.

>>38636725
Now that I think about it, something similar was happening even more recently with anime series. I had to have my eyes on every frame and read every line or I would be lying if I claimed to have watched it all.

>>38636725
>reread passages from books
This is OCD? I tell you, the more things people equate with OCD, the more I realize my entire life is pervaded with it. I think I have mentioned my hatred of reading and that it takes an hour to read 10 pages. This is exactly why, my mind keeps rereading the same thing if I miss a word, which I am prone to do when I zone out. It is a vicious cycle of trying to stay focused, not being able to as I don't even like the book, and then having to take even longer looking at the same info.

Indeed, I can entirely avoid games, especially if I have other diversions to pass the time. At some point I am bound to wish to play games, I can imagine very shortly I am going to be a bit more active there again. I am hoping by that point to be able to fight my OCD, to not just go back to Star Wars Droids and make 20 videos on that.

>>38636729
Thanks Nick. I do enjoy it.

Indeed we are sadly, the trolls could be more impressive. It is sad when I feel I could make a better troll, yet have too much respect to ever do such, especially to those undeserving.

>>38636759
This is just how you normally watch a tv series. If you aren't focusing entirely on it, you didn't really watch it. I can't really multitask for this reason. If I am typing here and listening to music, it might as well have been me not listening to music at all. This gets pretty bad, especially in IMs where people can respond actively and I feel I need to respond as quick as possible so people don't leave. It makes me pause the song, then restart it, and hope to finish it before the person finishes the next IM (spoiler alert, they don't stop and I end up getting frustrated with the music).

>>38636739
It's alright Nick, at least I have the company of some other Nicks while you are gone.

What's everyone doing tonight?

Any plans coming up? I've said mine, interesting to see what others might be.

>>38636899
I have no plans. I'm sick of everything now.

>>38636899
Not really, right now I mostly just post on 4chan during the days and live on Second Life at night. It gives me happiness, but to most is probably not their idea of enjoyment.

I am possibly one of the most boring individuals as I almost never have plans. Maybe to go food shopping? I don't go to the movies or clubs or any of those crazy events. I am not exactly welcome with most others.

>>38636971
Fair enough, I feel like I'm in the real minorty of people who visit this board who actually go out, even if it is just for a walk or bike ride.

>>38636962
I don't quite understand, I don't keep up with threads. If you wanna chat I'm bed posting till I fall asleep though.

>>38636805
>>38636833
Yes, it's a classic OCD thing. And no, it's not normal to have to rewind and rewatch if you know you didn't actually miss any information aside from the single (largely identical to the previous) frame you glanced away from. It is interesting how aberrant ways of thinking can go unnoticed when your entire life is replete with them. When I slide a sandwich bag over my hand in order to be able to touch things, I rarely even stop to consider how strange it is. I did the rereading thing all through childhood, but I'm not sure when I realized it was a symptom. Just out of curiosity, did/do you ever experience extreme discomfort from have certain parts of your body touched/not touched by clothing? As a young child, I hated the feeling wearing shoes and socks. I had to push the sock between my toes before I put on the shoe or it would be intolerable. I'm just wondering if you had anything similar.

Are there any compulsions you have that stand out as being the easiest to resist?

Am I a tripfag yet?

>>38637045
I just started posting. My mentally-dubious girlfriend became my ex about 4 days ago. She said she no longer wants to be friends even, though she probably was expecting me to just follow her finger... Instead I told her I would never talk to her again.

She didn't really want me to stop talking to her, but she'll never talk to me back first after this. I know what's in her head - I can smell it. She tried to get away with retroactive lying, but it was futile.

Probably just doing the wrong thing and being a cynical, evil bastard.

>>38637068
Looks like it. Gives some weight to your opinions.

>>38637100
Of course Atlas is giving himself weight...

>>38637084
By my moral compass, you don't seem to be in the wrong at all.
My moral compass probably isn't to be trusted though, go with your gut.

>>38637119
Nice one fake Nick

>>38637045
Never really learned how to ride a bike. I tried to, got close, but I crashed it and since then have been afraid to get on one again. It never really mattered anyway as I don't have the room for one in my bedroom and the NEETs here steal anything not in my bedroom. That is actually how I lost my first bike, sold it as I wasn't using it one weekend.

>>38637053
It is scary when you realize just how much of your life is OCD. I keep wanting to say it is all in my head, that it is some meme, and yet almost everything I do points to it.

>Slide sandwich bag over my hand in order to be able to touch things
Ah, the classic OCD trait. I don't have that problem, I will wish to get clean as soon as possible, but I have been known to not be the most hygienic. I play guitar, rarely clean it. I use my keyboard, rarely clean it. One of the things that made it harder to identify when I was younger, I didn't have some need to clean constantly.

Well anyway since my tripcode is working I should say hello to everyone, so hello everyone.
You guys doing ok?

>>38637137
I'm probably abandoning her and destroying her life, though she'd never admit to such, and would opt instead for claiming she has no feelings for me.

>>38637213
That sucks about the bike thievery, I've had my bike since I was 16~ and ride it nearly every week. More of habit then anything now though.

>>38637272
Doesn't sound like a healthy person to associate yourself with friend.

>>38637053
You are kidding, right? This is OCD at work too? cannot stand having my neck touched by any collar, it is personal torture for me to wear work shirts and all I can think about is how bothersome it is. It is better than it was, but it is still quite miserable a year later.

Shoes/socks are a major problem indeed. I get a feeling that the floor is too hard with shoes on, like I am going to collapse. I try to go barefoot when home, but accept it as protection against the outside world otherwise, though I still find it quite miserable. At my desk I often will remove my shoes and socks for brief periods just to try to regain some comfort.

Being a male, my pants are never comfortable either. I always feel I need to adjust 24/7, I don't think there is a time I can feel comfortable wearing pants. Yet at the same time I couldn't be a nudist, it feels heavily uncomfortable to have my bare butt or even underwear on some surface.

Shirts are another problem, I tend to feel hot in them, or that the waistbands are pressuring too much on my skin. Yet my beer belly means that I cannot stand to be without a shirt, it is like a woman wearing a bra, it feels unsupported and heavily weighed down.

I tell you, I wonder if everything I do is OCD. If sensations are a problem, probably me breaking down if I don't get a haircut because it is touching my hair and thus is too hot, like some weird helmet I am stuck with, is OCD as well.

>Easiest to resist
Perhaps my impulsive desires, either illegal or legal. I have complete control over my actions regardless of what my thoughts want me to do. I can hold down a job and not appear to be some raging autist by mostly engaging myself on the computer. I only act on impulses when I feel it is safe to do such, either because I don't care being judged or it is a place where no consequences can happen. When I turn on the fun switch, it is hard to stop however, and I often spiral out of control.

>>38637183

I'm not fake, you fat bastard.

>>38637119
Hey, only Facet can give Atlas his daily bullying!

>>38637238
Hello Atlas, welcome.

>>38637213
Don't let the prophylactic fool you, I'm nothing close to hygienic. My contamination avoidance is very specific and doesn't involve germs (though people in my family have made the assumption that I'm a "germaphobe" before). I also happen to be perhaps the least organized person I have ever met.

I've had doubts that I actually have the disorder. Still do, perhaps. At least whether or not I'd be diagnosed with it.

>>38637320
I suppose, but I'm not the healthiest person to be around either, and she actually listened to me.
I hate this. No one actually listens to me and I never like people - only this crazy woman.

>>38637359

There's plenty of Atlas to go around, retard.

>>38637320
Yeah, it is pretty sad that I have to be conscious of everything I do in my own house. I forget my bodywash from taking a bath, it will be gone 5 minutes later. My grandmother leaves her toilet paper locked in her car due to the NEETs stealing it too often, so you get used to carrying up your own. Rule #1 for living in my house is to make sure the door is locked and Rule #2 is to make sure you have on you anything you don't wish to lose. I can't walk away for a few moments and leave something behind, I need to carry everything with me unless it is safely in my father's truck or in my room.

>>38637341
This is all very interesting, but I think I'll be taking a stab at getting some sleep now. I hope we will pick this back up sometime soon. I wish you well, Winter Coat.

22,

unemployed

major depression and anxiety. (situationally explainable, however its become chronic and my life has come to a complete halt over it.)

Tried meds to no avail, the pharmacuticals make me feel incredibly cracked out. Cannabis works very well to treat my symptoms and turns me into a semi-normi but it is too expensive for me to maintain, and also illegal. Chronic depression when no cannabis.

relationship:
I jerkoff like a hundred times a day.

Goals:
Get financially stable (job with salary)
Move out of fathers house.
Get GF
Live happily.
Basic info:

Have been happy and somewhat normy teir in my life before. Due to a series of intertwined events mostly everything has gotten fucked up beyond repair. I have not left the house in months. Major depression. No income. I live in a room in my dads house for free and he pays for my food. No major financial responsibilities other than that, so I guess thats good. Genuinely unhappy with life as it is currently and don't have any major prospects of fixing it. Can not get job or be in public regularly because I have some people after me, thats why I stay inside. Not sure how all of this will get fixed.

>>38637386
We listen to you- but maybe we don't coubt though, I take pleasure in the anonymity thing, I like it less 'intimate'(?)

>>38637435
Interesting living arrangments.

>>38637508
I do appreciate people on the internet a great deal, no matter if you're anonymous or not - just talking is nice.
I meant more IRL though. IRL relationships are broken now.

>>38637378
>My contamination avoidance is very specific
Fair enough, I can understand that situation with OCD rather well. It doesn't even make much sense to outsiders because it is this one specific rule that somehow you can justify and yet admit doesn't really make sense. My video game chronology is all over the place to the point someone wouldn't understand it unless I described in detail the various shifts, I believe I explained it in several posts worth of text in one of these thread and that was more of a general idea.

>>38637378
>I've had doubts that I actually have the disorder.
I am pretty much an agnostic individual. Regardless of the subject matter, I always have doubts. Nothing is 100% with me, I feel I am a walking contradiction. I feel like if people analyzed my posts more they would say me saying things that didn't even line up with one another, yet at the same time everything I say is genuine.

Needless to say, I shift a lot between believing I have something and disagreeing with it. I feel I may have some form of BPD, but do I have it? I have all these obsessions, but are they just in my head? If I wanted to, could I stop or am I just not trying hard enough? I am often quite confused, so I find it a miracle anyone can understand what is going on with me.

Basically, I tend to love talking about everything and trying to find the solution. Then I doubt if I have the problem or if the solution is a solution. With me, doubt is probably one of my most consistent emotions. Debating often consists of me worrying the other person is right, worrying I am right, and not really sure what is going on but trying to explain what I believe in the hope to find some better answer I won't believe due to my doubt.

>>38637423
Just remember what goes around comes around. At least you acknowledged me as a retard. I might be one.

>>38637557
Just relationships, or friendships as well?

I don't have a great track record with relationships, all of mine (if they can even be called that) all had an end goal I eventually met and got bored of the girl afterwards.

>>38637496
You as well metapsych, it was nice talking to you.

>>38637508
Yes, Nick has pretty much blatantly told me my home is a big part of my problem and that leaving this mess would make me happier. I just am resistant due to the fear of disappointing my father, possibly the fear of confronting him, the doubt that anything would go the way envisioned, and the doubt that I even have the capacity to live on my own.

>>38637557
I keep thinking about starting discord group for this thread, pretty sure actual talking can feel way more personal than just writing

age:22
occupation: machinist
symptoms: quickly changing mood, anger issues, depressed phases
condition(s), if known: borderline disorder
therapy: none
friends: a few ones I can truly call friends and one best friend I trust more than myself
relationship: kissless virgin
living conditions: normal living conditions
goals: to become better with handling people
on 4chan since: 2010

Some info: I also suffer from Rheumatism but love bodybuilding. I am scared that I will never achieve the form I want and feel inferior and useless all the time. The depressed phases I wrote about come from this, those can last days and in those days I don't sleep or eat or do anything, just crying or simple idleness.

>>38637629
Both. I altered my entire being when I met this woman. In hindsight, probably not a great idea - ha.

I'm significantly more vile than I was just that short time ago, though.

I get sick thinking about it. I probably shouldn't have told her I wouldn't talk to her again. That was done in spite.


>>38637676
Talking might be nice. I don't know about me personally, though - life has become extremely monotonous where even posting here is off.

It's been raining here. It never rains here.

>>38637676
Due to the situation I am in, I couldn't be on the Discord sadly now, but I would heavily embrace it regardless. Typing is nice, but I tend to really love voice or even video. The more personal the connection, the more I can express myself, the more I tend to enjoy it. Sadly almost every friend I find doesn't want to do such with me.

Then again, based on what Nick said, that might be a good thing for me. I am apparently a bit tough to handle. You do have to remember text offers a buffer and I say some pretty controversial things, so you can only imagine how bad my unprocessed thoughts might be, especially when combined with my near terrifying mannerisms. I am too horrible for being part of this even though I would love to have such a connection.

>>38637762
One other thing I should not, I would be heavily uncomfortable being this serious in voice/cam. Not only am I naturally impulsive and like to do random things, but I have paranoia about talking about certain subjects due to the NEETs being able to hear me through the ventilation shaft. I have zero privacy in regards to speaking. My father also can show up at any time without informing me and listen to me through the door, which based on how much I talk about it here might be even worse. Needless to say, it would be nice, but I probably would derail the entire thing as I couldn't talk about half the things we could in this thread.

>>38637803
>>38637855
Well you wouldnt have to talk if you didnt want to, it's good for chatting too if the thread wasnt up

I said I'd stay on more, but my phone is low and I don't want to turn the pc on. You all have a good night.

>>38637855
I think it's not simply that it's easier with text - it's probably easier with the people in here. There's 0 anxiety when posting on 4chan, even with a trip, and even when I'm being retardedly identifiable with my name, mannerisms, and information.
But I don't really care anymore. I have such a small pool of fucks left to give it's worrisome.

>>38637937
Have a good night, fellow human. Thanks for talking with me.

>>38637882
Indeed, I could gladly chat about random subjects, I tend to get rather committed to random things and love to rant about them. As I said, my Youtube is pretty sad because I spend a lot of time just with a black screen ranting about various things in the game, but at the same time that is exactly what I love doing.

Though I also wouldn't want to terrify others and I don't know just how bad I can possibly be. Nick was pretty shocked by what he saw. He said I could be the next CWC if I am not careful.

>>38637937
Good night anon.

Hello lads, I'm feeling pretty good today, i had a flat tire but got it fixes for free for some reason.

They told me it'd be 15 dollaroos.
those fucking chinks didn't ask for money afterwards, they just told me it's done.
Done? I asked.
Didn't bring up anything about payment just drove away laughing my ass off.

What did you guys accomplish today?

>>38637980
>it's probably easier with the people in here
Actually, this is pretty much how I am in general, though usually I don't say this much about myself. I tend to be protective about myself and so like to tell little beyond my closest friends, so being here is like an easy shot to getting to see what it would be like to one of those I revealed my thoughts to.

I just suffer from BPD and thus am extremely lonely. The more personal, the more I feel happy on the basis that I like expressing myself fully.

I should note though I probably would be doing the wrong thing if I joined the Discord for the simple basis that I do REALLY bad in group conversations. A text board, I can focus on one message sent to me at a time and keep control, even skipping those not pertaining to me. You get it IM based, suddenly it is rapidly flying and I am getting overwhelmed, not sure what anyone is saying. Make it voice and it gets even worse in a group, I start breaking down emotionally, ESPECIALLY if I am not the focus. In such personal conversations, I need to be the focus and have someone talking to me, yet probably get confused and have no idea you are talking to me. I do best 1 on 1, I have had friends "translate" for me what the group was saying in IMs so I could handle what was going on a bit more and hopefully offer some response.

I am a walking contradiction. I get afraid about giving out information, then I give out so much anyone could easily find me if they were compelled to. I guess I am just lucky most could care less about me.

>>38636603
>Please stop trying to Danrail my series of threads. Delete this one, it's not an official thread.
Lol as if real Nick would use danrail wrong.

Also hello everyone.

>>38638208
Hello again Dan. Sorry about disappearing like that, became hard to make sense of the thread and I decided I had best avoid it.

I have an embarrassing problem.

I'm really into music specifically singer-songwriters like James Taylor, for example. I fantasize about being like him, singing songs with an acoustic guitar to an audience that loves the performances I'm giving. Trouble is I'm terrible at singing (although I'm quite good at guitar). I keep on trying to rid myself of this annoying fantasy but it keeps on burning in my mind and won't go away, no matter how much I try to reason with it. I have never even written a song, which makes the whole idea even more preposterous.

I try coming up with something but I always put myself down and remind myself how cringeworthy the whole idea of me doing this kind of thing is.

Is this whole thing a delusion or is it pointing to something that I should actually be doing? I think the former, personally.

>>38638271
I'm honestly not sure what you mean. If you mean the night I was arguing with everyone, it's very blurry to be honest. It's like this mix of insults, hate and punches.

Speaking of which, if I insulted anyone. Fuck I feel sick of saying I'm sorry. That doesn't mean shit if I just keep doing it.

Also how have you been?

Done with the phone call. Too many crazy conversations for me today...

Will try to catch up. Also have an e-mail to write.

>>38636887

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

You are right to feel betrayed; being treated like that is betrayal. Read the above article and see if it fits your mother.

When the people supposed to protect you and love you don't, you have to live without some basic elements.

>>38638310
>Blurry
Sounds like me generally, I remember things vaguely and often am not really sure if what I remembered was what happened.

>Mix of insults, hate, and punches
I am not Nick, simply debating me does not get me upset. My biggest problem is that I get concerned of saying the wrong thing, which isn't made any easier due to my lack of empathy. Talking about taking your life is probably not a good route with me as I might be the type to encourage you to do it.

>Doesn't mean shit if I just keep doing it
Truthfully I am not sure how sorry I even am when I say it. I regret making the person mad and the situation leading to the events, I feel bad that the situation is now negative, but perhaps there is some random empathy thing I don't know about.

>How have you been?
Pretty good actually. Been more optimistic than pessimistic lately. My doubt of course believes it is all going to tumble down at some point.

>>38638374
For once I am at the bottom of the thread and Nick has to play catch-up.

>>38637068
>Atlas !YiwP2pBVzo

Now yes.

>>38638426

Yes, I'm changing my ways too. I didn't read everything and didn't respond to everything either. Just so I can be here somewhat.

Sup, Dan.

Hi Atlas.

>>38638445
Hey Nick, whats your opinion on making a Discord group?

>>38638208
Hey Dan, doin fine?

>>38638484
Oh wow, that was quick indeed Nick. I need to have more control there, I just feel bad if I miss things.

>>38638011
The idea of somehow making the world tear itself apart excites me it a weird, demonic way. Like my spine gets all crazy feeling and other odd physical effects and... stuff.

>>38638174
You're a stunning reflection of my ex.

I understand why that would be something you'd avoid. And pretty much everything you've said. It's a bit frightening to read such parallels. My mind is still heavy from this. I apologize for not having more to say. Please don't take it personally.

>>38638208
Last time we talked I tried to convince you to be a better person. Now I just want chaos. Oops.

>>38638488

I'm not familiar enough with it to tell. I do have it, but I don't know much more about it.

It can't be a bad idea I suppose.

>>38638409
>Sounds like me generally, I remember things vaguely and often am not really sure if what I remembered was what happened.
For me it's not usually like that. Only when I get really angry.

>Talking about taking your life is probably not a good route with me as I might be the type to encourage you to do it.
Actually that's one of the few things I really remember. I though it was a really good point. I mean let's not kid ourselves. I've sat with a loaded gun pointed at my temple for a few times now. I was never able to do it. If I'm too big of a pussy to commit suicide, I can either try to make myself more hateful, depressed and generally disconnected from myself. Or I can go the other way. Who knows, maybe I will get extremely angry one day and really do it. I would have to be angry, drunk and away from people. Then I could see myself doing it. I guess I'm gonna have to really try it, like actually go out of my way to get into this situation. Then I will know for sure.

This is a point nick would never have made because of his empathy. And I think it's a good point. Like I said, the only thing that sticks out from the whole evening.

>Truthfully I am not sure how sorry I even am when I say it.
Yes, I know what you mean. For me, I know I'm supposed to say I'm sorry, but it's appearances. I don't really feel sorry.

>Pretty good actually. Been more optimistic than pessimistic lately. My doubt of course believes it is all going to tumble down at some point.
That's good. As for tumbling down, maybe you will have improved mentally so much you will be able to take it. It's like training.

>>38638519
>I just feel bad if I miss things.

That's the exact feeling I fight against. I might read the thread at some other point. That way I'm not left out for the rest of it.

>>38638505
As of now, yes. How are you? Did you enjoy your music fest? Just remind me again, was it the one with Sabaton or the one with Die Antwoord?

>>38638535
>Last time we talked I tried to convince you to be a better person. Now I just want chaos. Oops.
That's also typical. One day I am here trying to talk to people positively, the next day I derail the whole thread with my negative bullshit and make Nick spew insults.

>>38638599
I wonder if I'll come back out of it in any meaningful manner. What does that even mean, though? Life is exhausting and even the weather reflects me.

hey guys, i'm actually feeling pretty good today, how about you lot?

>>38638688
It's just means you're not emotionally stable. Like me. Coming out of it any meaningful manner probably just means learning to control your emotions.

>>38638535
>Make the world tear itself apart
Oh, I don't consider myself to have that ability. Just to be a bit pathetic.

>Please don't take it personally
I don't at all. I know BPD is more common in women, so no surprise there, and as I have said I have seen myself sharing a lot with BPD individuals. It explained a lot of things I assumed were just unique to me.

>>38638556
>For me it's not usually like that.
Yeah, my memory is horrible. Put me in a memory game and I will fail every time, it all comes down to me eventually just picking up random cards until I get something. I forget what I just saw when I turn the cards face down again.

>I think it's a good point
Truthfully, if life isn't worth living and there is ZERO remaining to even be worth it, to the point you feel death is a better option, I am not sure I understand your fear. I fear death myself, but if you are suicidal you cannot fear death, in which case I do not understand the resistance to pulling the trigger.

Of course, I believe a lot of your struggles come from getting too hung up on what everyone else thinks. You hate them, but you prioritize them. If you wish to be happy, you need to learn not to care what others think. Don't be afraid to act like a bee or have fun however you please. Just try to avoid getting controlled by others. You sound independent, you said you left your parents, and thus you can avoid getting cucked by society. You can be a bee and not be forced by anyone to stop, especially not in your own home. Play a game, who cares if you lose, it was entertainment for you.

>I don't really feel sorry
As I said, I don't know if the way I "feel" sorry is correct based on my lack of empathy.

>It's like training
But you said it yourself, all the training in the world is useless if you are pathetic.

>>38638557
I can understand that, I remember my past messes quite well.

>>38638535
>The idea of somehow making the world tear itself apart excites me
I get that, i think it comes from a lack of power I have over the world in a positive fasion that i would prefer to be in control and cause absolute destruction than accept that we are all just kinda in free-fall.

the problem i have is that fantasy directly clashes with me emotionally, I'm empathetic to a fault most of the time and would never want to harm an individual.

>>38638556
>This is a point nick would never have made because of his empathy. And I think it's a good point. Like I said, the only thing that sticks out from the whole evening.

What point, encouraging you to kill yourself?

>>38638692

I'm glad to see you again. Good that you're good today!

For my part, I haven't been this down in a month, and I think it's worse. I won't be of much use tonight. On the plus side, I won't be angry at anyone. I have neither the energy nor the care required for that. It's only temporary, I should recover in 2 days or so.

I'm just faded for now.

>>38638764
>I forget what I just saw when I turn the cards face down again.
How is your long term memory? Sometimes if you asked me about something I did 5 minutes ago I wouldn't be able to tell you. But some minor things even from a long time ago I remember. I'm pretty sure your (our) mental state also affects this. Memory and cognitive functions I means.

>I am not sure I understand your fear
I don't know if it's fear, but something always stopped me. The point is to commit suicide you would have to either be really miserable and have no other option or just really don't give a fuck. And as much as I feel like shit, I have a job, can sustain myself easily, have time to do whatever I want. I mean sure, all this hate made me stop caring about many things to the point where I do reckless things like stepping in front of cars to see if they stop. The point is, when you don't give a shit, you can do whatever you want. To waste this great opportunity of not giving a shit on suicide? I'm not sure if that's a great idea.

>Play a game, who cares if you lose, it was entertainment for you.
I care if I lose. To stop caring about something I must first do it. Otherwise I don't know if I really don't care or if it's just sour grapes. Ideally I would like to achieve everything there is to achieve and only then I would choose to do nothing and kill myself. Because then it's really my choice and not just circumstances. I'm obviously not gonna be able to do everything I set my eyes on. So I will die with regrets after doing as much I can (but not everything, hence the regrets).

>As I said, I don't know if the way I "feel" sorry is correct based on my lack of empathy.
Yes, it's like you're doing something, but you're not sure if you're doing it right and can never know.

>But you said it yourself, all the training in the world is useless if you are pathetic.
I'm not sure if I really believe that to be honest. Actually, scratch that. What you said is the truth. Cont.

>>38638599
The one with Sabaton
And yes, I enjoyed it alot, it was fucking brutal
Loud music, metalheads everywhere and everyone offers you a drink

Right now Im doing pretty bad, Im becoming more and more stressed of going to high school, living in a big city, its pretty scary and there so many things that can fuck up
I have quite alot of problems with stress.
Tons of people move for school or work with no problem but for me its so fucking scary

>>38638310
>Speaking of which, if I insulted anyone. Fuck I feel sick of saying I'm sorry. That doesn't mean shit if I just keep doing it.
It's okay, I could tell it was coming from a place of sadness rather than contempt or hatred. how you doing today?

>>38638915
It's the truth, because if you are pathetic it's useless. But do you really have to be pathetic?

>>38638846
I'm not sure if I'm really capable of killing myself. If I am, then there is nothing bad about being dead. If I'm not though, then I'm wasting my time.

>>38638718
The thing that's really odd is I'm more in control when I feel awful, I'm just not that fun to be around. I have extremely particular interests.

>>38638837
To be honest, it's not hard. There are multiple vectors, even. But to really send the planet into chaos, you have to be overwhelmingly cunning.

>>38638909
i hope you do recover, has there been anything particular that happened or has your mind just turned on you?

>>38638969
>To be honest, it's not hard.
well it depends, If you want to sow discord into the world then yes that's fairly easy, i mean you could just make a chlorine bomb and fence it off, it'd be sure to make it's way into the hands of some crazy or radical somewhere, but to bring it all down by yourself would be tremendously complex.

>>38638916
There are always many things that can fuck up at any given point. I think everyone knows that, they just mask it. You're not alone in this shit.

>>38638938
>I could tell it was coming from a place of sadness rather than contempt or hatred
I wonder what gives this away. Nick said something similar in one of the first emails we exchanged. To quote:
>There was something in your anger that felt very over the top from outside

To me it seems there is genuine hate in what I say. Strange.

I'm doing well today (as you can probably see by the lack of insults ITT). How are you?

>>38638969
>The thing that's really odd is I'm more in control when I feel awful, I'm just not that fun to be around. I have extremely particular interests.
I'm not sure I understand here. Could you elaborate?

>>38639037
Complex structures and seeing things to their ultimate completion is my bread and butter. I'm compelled to such for no good reason.

I can't explain to you what I feel. Oh my.

Going for a beer, Ill start drawing new picture after I get back home.
Expect a photo if the thread is still alive
If not, good night everyone

>>38638764
>I know BPD is more common in women,

It isn't really. It's more likely to get diagnosed as something else, that's about all. Men are less likely to seek therapy, also.

>>38639044
>I'm doing well today (as you can probably see by the lack of insults ITT). How are you?
haha i'm doing quite well today, my mind is clearer than it has been in a while and i'm making BBQ tonight which always soothes me.
>I wonder what gives this away. Nick said something similar in one of the first emails we exchanged.
because everyone who you insulted you were using as a proxy for yourself, you never insulted anyone for being different from yourself, you only insulted what similarities would could draw, you were sad and angry at yourself and just using other people as convenient targets.

I might be wrong there but that's what it looked like to me.

>>38639096
picture? i do hope you come back then.

>>38639089
My mind has never been clearer or sharper than it is now. Misery is more exhilarating than happiness.

>>38639133
>my mind is clearer than it has been in a while and i'm making BBQ tonight which always soothes me.
Fuck me sideways, now I'm drooling.

>because everyone who you insulted you were using as a proxy for yourself, you never insulted anyone for being different from yourself
I never noticed that. It could be true, but I can't see it to be honest.

>>38638764
>but if you are suicidal you cannot fear death, in which case I do not understand the resistance to pulling the trigger.

Wrong. I have been suicidal and you still fear death, you just can't stand the mental pain of existing anymore. Nobody ever really wants to die, they just want the pain to stop. That's why I never agree with suicide as a solution (other euthanasia issues are a different thing).

>>38639163
>The thing that's really odd is I'm more in control when I feel awful
maybe it's because the happiness you exhibit is not true happiness but a construct, an act you put on and convince others but also yourself that you are doing alright, maintaining this construct takes constant effort as it has no foundations. But when you're sad, when you give in to the misery you feel secure, you aren't having to defend yourself from harsh realities or suppress dark thoughts, you are on a solid bedrock of misery. This is not a good thing but it might be why you feel more in control.

>>38638915
>Long term memory
Depends on the details entirely. Some things I can heavily remember with no apparent reason at all. I have no control over what I remember and a lot isn't significant.

>To waste this great opportunity of not giving a shit
So you have the lack of care and ability to do whatever you wish. You just need to turn apathetic, only be hostile when they control you.

>I would live to achieve everything there is to achieve
This is part of the problem indeed, you have such high hopes when you admit you are garbage. Most achievements aren't really worth it, it is more about the adventure you had. Once you got it, it is final, it becomes boring and stagnant. I could never understand why people rush through games to complete it sooner, I want to relish the experience as long as I can if it is good. It is actually bothersome to obtain victory as it means I hit a ceiling. Get better and better, you eventually find everything mind-numbingly easy. This is when you destroy all rules they created and replace them with your own complicated sets to make it harder. Being good at something isn't always the best Dan, for you beat it too easily and then have no reason to bother with it.

>You're not sure if you are doing it right
Exactly. I have zero idea of social conventions. Beyond those I use for company, I am pretty apathetic. Most individuals I just do not care about, especially those that I see try and harm me.

>>38638950
You make it sound like it is a choice to be pathetic. What happened to genetics and life being set in a rut? If you are pathetic, you stay pathetic. But pathetic can still find enjoyment, they just need to learn to not care.

>>38639163
Oh I get it now. That's actually very close to how I felt like a year ago. I suddenly "saw" everything. The halo effect, the importance of genes, all that stuff I usually preach ITT.

It's like suddenly everything was clear and everything came together. It's like I was miserable but only because I wasn't ignoring all the reasons to be miserable and that was something I held onto desperately.

Am I at all close to what you mean?

>>38639176
>Fuck me sideways, now I'm drooling.
yes it's going to be good, i get to stoke the coals for half an hour and then cook up a couple of tasty hamburgers and a steak with a refreshing green salad. It's one of the things I like about summer, getting to cook and eat like a neanderthal without anyone judging you.

>>38639117
Fair enough, men mostly will avoid getting help because society forces upon this image of "being a man" and handling your problems. It is depressing indeed when you can't hug someone else as a male without it being sexual or a family member that won't give you a real hug.

>>38639183
That is fascinating, so I was correct by believing I was suicidal when I would break down with my OCD. You just stop being able to handle life, you feel it is all ruined, but you still have that fear of death holding you back. I guess I just assumed being true suicidal and not meme suicidal required you to not have a fear of death.

>Fatfuck kid, bullied, shit childhood, bad dad, whole kit and caboodle
>Figure out how not to be a complete shit
>Right now, early 20's
>On way to being /fit/, of average shape
>At very least of average attractiveness
>Study to work in emergency health
>Job, car, motorbike
>Group based hobbies, volunteer in field
>Friends, decent social skills
>Don't feel connected at all to friends, expect and feel nothing when they ghost, act like assholes or betray
>Even closest friend just feels like a temporary passing
>Never had relationship, can't even really fathom the idea
>Realised friend lied to me during dinner a while back
>Didn't let on that I knew
>Stopped caring, acted like a cunt, shittalked everything and everyone
>They keep carrying on the friendship as per normal
>Makes me just feel empty and tired

It feels like whatever I do, I can't impact anything. Nothing changes. I never connect with anyone. My existence feels blunt, like I'm a husk.

>>38639247
>Depends on the details entirely. Some things I can heavily remember with no apparent reason at all. I have no control over what I remember and a lot isn't significant.
Tell me about it. I remember faces of at least hundreds of insignificant people, some of which I have only met once, but when I see them on the street I recognize them.

>Most achievements aren't really worth it, it is more about the adventure you had.
It's not about what you get or about the adventure. It's about being able to do it or not.

>Get better and better, you eventually find everything mind-numbingly easy.
There is so much in the world, I don't think a 100 lifetimes would be enough. Which will probably lead to you asking why I spend my time here. Talking with you people is a challenge and something to learn, to understand, to get experience. And also whenever I have nothing to write I do vocab drills on my phone.

>Being good at something isn't always the best Dan, for you beat it too easily and then have no reason to bother with it.
And so you walk away to something else. That's what I've been doing so far. That's actually why I work in quite a different field than what I studied which requires me to learn a lot. And that's actually why I already know what I want to do next and it's also something different.

>Exactly. I have zero idea of social conventions. Beyond those I use for company, I am pretty apathetic. Most individuals I just do not care about, especially those that I see try and harm me.
I learned them but I don't understand the point.

>You make it sound like it is a choice to be pathetic. What happened to genetics and life being set in a rut? If you are pathetic, you stay pathetic.
You are equating pathetic and inferior. You can't choose to stop being inferior. But you can stop being pathetic. Whether it makes sense or not is another question.

>>38639243
I don't exactly know if I'd consider this what that was. I was perfectly comfortable with my dark thoughts before.

>>38639262
This sounds a bit closer, but it's not anything specific I'm mad about any longer. I can't properly describe it.

>>38639331
sounds like you're living the life you are not because it's what you want but because you fell that's how you ought to be living.

>>38639407
so you're just sad because it seems like the correct thing to be?

>>38639407
>This sounds a bit closer, but it's not anything specific I'm mad about any longer. I can't properly describe it.
Then I don't really know to be honest. I think there actually is something that gives you the clarity. You say any longer. What was it before?

>>38639285
Wait, are people actually judged for eating meat?

>>38638764
>getting too hung up on what everyone else thinks. You hate them, but you prioritize them. If you wish to be happy, you need to learn not to care what others think.

I think, deep down, it always comes back to what Dan thinks of himself. He projects that onto others, and assumes they must think the same of himself as he does. But he's wrong. I hope he can see that some day.

>>38639418
I've tried the neet life, I've tried the hedonistic life, I've tried being overly caring and empathetic, I've tried being a socialite, I've tried being a drugfuck. I've tried so many different things and ways of living that what I currently do is essentially "what's left." And while those other lifestyles made me miserable and despise myself because of the lifestyle, this one just makes me feel hollow. It kind of feels like I'm watching things through a glass pane, and only occasionally does it envelop me through strong emotion.

>>38639491
>Wait, are people actually judged for eating meat?
no i mean cooking it over an open fire rather than in an oven or stove.

>>38639497
what are you passionate about, if anything?

>>38639433
I really couldn't have put it any better myself.

>>38639491
It was that I simply won't ever be satisfied. Never. But now life is just grinding, no matter what may happen.

>>38639359
I always had this problem where people could remember me and I would have zero idea who you are. I am terrible with names, with remembering people until I have talked to them a bit of time. You, Nick, and Facet are the main ones I at least can recognize, though I am getting a bit used to Medman as well. I am just horrible with new people and most people I will forget entirely. I couldn't tell you a single student with me in my 11 years of public schooling. But people would yell out my name, even years later I bump into people. It is very awkward.

>Being able to do it or not
If you know the basic rules of chess, you can do it. At worst, you can wing it and just drag pieces around to see what happens. You can do chess, your struggle was getting beat, because doing to you somehow means getting that end goal.

>So much in the world
Not if you are like me and have OCD that prevents you from doing what you believe you would like and what you can touch you severely hate. Activities I enjoy I embrace, I don't want to lose them because I got too good. Do you think just because I have beaten Thief on Iron Mode on all versions I wish to give up the game? Not at all, so I shall impose more rules or try to find something to do... when I get back to Thief.

>Talking with you people is a challenge
I thought so. You never said your MBTI, but I can imagine either an INTP or INTJ. Both will struggle highly with talking to other people. I am more extroverted than that, my problem as Nick may be aware of is that I come on strong and don't know how to shut up. I am the opposite extreme.

>Walk away to something else
For you that may be easy. To me I see that as ADHD, to obsess over seeing new things constantly. I see it as being the type to not like a MMO unless they constantly add new content. I am a bit weird as I often switch after some time, but I do often go in circles as opposed to constantly experiencing new content. I have become a pessimist to new content.

>>38639563
I don't really know. I like things that completely take over my attention for the duration. I like emergency health because it satisfies my need for what I consider to be complex challenges, and I like doing bjj because it satisfies my need for friendly competition and enjoyable physical activity. I like motorcycling for similar reasons. I would be irritated if I had to stop because I enjoy doing these things, but once I've finished for the day that's all there is to it. Sure, thoughts on the activity might linger for a while. I've cycled through hobbies for years and these are what stuck. I struggle to understand if that's what passion is?

>>38639621
>But people would yell out my name, even years later I bump into people. It is very awkward.
Some people are like that. It's not big deal.

>If you know the basic rules of chess, you can do it.
By being able to do it I mean some level of proficiency. Being to move the pieces around is not enough for me.

>Do you think just because I have beaten Thief on Iron Mode on all versions I wish to give up the game? Not at all, so I shall impose more rules or try to find something to do... when I get back to Thief.
That's an interesting difference. I usually abandon things when I feel being able to do them somehow good. Learning the last 20% in something requires a huge time investment, but if you know the 80% you are pretty good and it doesn't take that long. That's how I think about it.

>You never said your MBTI, but I can imagine either an INTP or INTJ.
I guess I would be a solid INTP, lol. So I guess the only thing that binds us are our problems.

>I see it as being the type to not like a MMO unless they constantly add new content.
That's me. I can do something for 16 hours a day for a few weeks and then do something else and forget about it completely.

>>38639620
Why would you not be satisfied?

>>38639528
That still doesn't mean like something anyone would criticize.

>>38639359
>I don't understand the point
I couldn't say Dan. Truthfully, I find such conventions limiting even when dealing with others, I would rather create my own values.

>You can stop being pathetic
But wouldn't doing such be putting on an act because under your mask you would still be a pathetic being? Wouldn't it be better to fight for your own individuality, your freedom from the enemy in society?

>>38639492
I can see this. He thinks X matters and so in turn ends up making it matter a lot more than it should. I can say I personally do not share this, but I do not know about others. Dan's best chance is, if he feels others will view his bad game as a power play, is to simply ignore such power plays. They may think they got the upper hand, but they only do in reality if you let them. You need to stop beating yourself up over frivolous entertainment, things that have zero worth in reality. Being good in chess won't solve your problems, so being bad in chess shouldn't matter, it should be just a source of entertainment.

>>38639710
>so do you not have a creative outlet?

>>38639759
>I couldn't say Dan. Truthfully, I find such conventions limiting even when dealing with others, I would rather create my own values.

>But wouldn't doing such be putting on an act because under your mask you would still be a pathetic being? Wouldn't it be better to fight for your own individuality, your freedom from the enemy in society?
You're right. If you are genetically inferior, then your effort is retarded. Everyone can tell you are inferior.

>>38639775
I can't draw, instruments bore me, I've tried writing occasionally but it holds no appeal honestly. I don't really like doing much fancy cooking because spending on frivolous foods irritates me. What even are creative outlets people do? How are they different from other hobbies?

>>38639910
the difference being that you are producing something, it is immensely satisfying to have something that was once only in your mind, i mainly make engineering type stuff so it doesn't have to be any of the traditional "creative" things

>>38638950
>if you are pathetic it's useless. But do you really have to be pathetic?

The only thing that's pathetic is giving up when you could try and succeed. Being pathetic implies some kind of major bad attitude.

Bad attitude is not incurable.

>>38639726
>Not a big deal
I rather just not deal with them. Regardless, it does provide an opportunity that someone pays attention to you, which can allow you to do whatever to amuse yourself. Ask them if they have any spare underwear as you shit yourself, yelling "RAH" at them. Makes for some fun times.

>Level of proficiency
That is the problem. It doesn't matter. if it does, why not do what Nick once suggested and stick chess pieces up your anus? Can't lack proficiency at that and it can cause amusement.

>I usually abandon things when feel being able to do them somehow good
So you have things you are good in if you abandoned them. Your problem is that anything you are good in you avoid and anything you are bad in you beat yourself up for. You are making entertainment into a full-time job to get good and then move to the next thing.

>The only thing that binds us
I am an ENTP, so we aren't too different. I just never shut up and am one of the literal worst humans here, while you are a regular robot and thus have a place you belong. An ENTP is more alone wherever they go, we are just good at getting new people around us until they eventually leave. Hard when you are apathetic to most but also get lonely enough to let others into your world only to eventually see them walk away.

>That's me
I am the type instead to love every part of the MMO. In fact, I get afraid of traveling to new towns or seeing anything new after a certain point, I usually recreate my characters and just wander the roads I am used to. I get an intense fear of new games being games I will heavily dislike. Usually I can only play games my OCD lets me play, which is luckily games I pretty much already expect I will dislike and turns out worse than I could have ever imagined. Combine this with the fact that if I like it I will often stick to what I know, I tend to either play terrible new games or just play what I like over and over.

>>38639971
In that case, I'm completely clueless. Every creative pursuit I've tried has never stuck, and I'm out of ideas on that front. The longest creative stint was when I tried to learn guitar for 2 months. I came away from that never wanting to see a fucking guitar again.

>>38639797
Exactly, in which case, the best solution is to simply care about being found inferior. Just find your own personal amusement in life. Hope to find one that can accept you, even being an inferior being, but learn to generate your own enjoyment. Remember this Dan. If beating you is embarrassing because they have power over you, you are letting them have the ultimate power over you if you have gotten to the point where you cannot have fun regardless of the circumstances. They are bullies, you are the weak defenseless one. You can either sit down and cry, which the bullies will love, or you can act like it doesn't matter and try to distract yourself with whatever seems appealing at the moment.

>>38640031
yeh, instrument's arent great as you have to get quite good before you can start being creative with them, have you considered other DIY and craftsmanship stuff? like is there anything that you want or want to know how something works?

>>38638993
>has there been anything particular that happened

If you only knew.

It's my version of the Crucifixion. It lasted 3 hours and 20 minutes. I'll need a few days to recover.

End me senpai, just end me.

>>38640098
>It's my version of the Crucifixion
what was it? pls, maybe talking about it will help?

>>38639973
Succeed when you are inferior? I don't think it's success when you are inferior. You can work your ass off and get a lot probably, but at the end, your shitty genes live on.

>>38639983
>Regardless, it does provide an opportunity that someone pays attention to you, which can allow you to do whatever to amuse yourself. Ask them if they have any spare underwear as you shit yourself, yelling "RAH" at them. Makes for some fun times.
Or you could use the opportunity to bond socially.

>if it does, why not do what Nick once suggested and stick chess pieces up your anus? Can't lack proficiency at that and it can cause amusement.
My chess pieces are very ... pointy. Anyways, thinks I care about are the ones which have some social value.

>Your problem is that anything you are good in you avoid and anything you are bad in you beat yourself up for.
That's not true. I avoid many things I will never be able to do well because of my shitty genes.

>An ENTP is more alone wherever they go, we are just good at getting new people around us until they eventually leave.
For me it's similar, but it's usually me who leaves. I really don't have a problem fitting in with new people, I just don't enjoy doing it.

>Combine this with the fact that if I like it I will often stick to what I know, I tend to either play terrible new games or just play what I like over and over.
What if you see something on youtube and think to yourself "DAMN THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME I HAVE TO TRY IT".

File: IMG_1542.jpg (1MB, 2446x2218px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 2446x2218px

>>38636191
Hey Nick, I may have fucked up. Yesterday was working till 10:30pm, ended up spilling my story to the kid(17) I was working with. We were only working for four hours, yet somehow she dragged everything out, including sitting in the woods with a loaded gun to my head and how I have a ring that was meant for my ex still in a drawer. On the way home after work I had some words with Rambler, pic related.

Now that I've said all that to her, how can I keep her from spreading that around? I don't want everyone in the fucking county knowing I'm a mental case who tried to eat lead.

>>38640115
Probably not with all the trolls around. That's the problem here.

>>38640048
I can't accept that I am inferior. If I say that I don't care, I'm giving them further amusement. Because they will know I'm lying. They will know I still am inferior. Now they can laugh at me deluding myself. They can feel like they won.

>>38640086
I don't mean to stonewall, but this is where I struggle. DIY and craftsmanship just doesn't appeal to me at all. I don't want for possessions, and there's not a single thing I would find useful to make in that regards. If something important is broken, I'm not a bad handyman if it's cheaper to fix myself, but otherwise it just doesn't hold any draw for me. There's always something I want, but I only know what it isn't.

>>38640204
>Probably not with all the trolls around. That's the problem here.
yeh as the guys were suggesting before a discord would be nice, though that'd require someone to have a spare server PC and to know linux

>>38640244
hmm, well you should keep looking, i don't know a single person who latched onto a creative outlet without it making them a happier person.

>>38639044
>There was something in your anger that felt very over the top from outside

I don't remember writing that, but that's exactly it. Your anger looks like tears.

>>38640314
I fail to see how a creative outlet will bring much more value to the rest of my life when it seems as much of an extension as any other hobby. It's hard to value creating when you only value the time spent, not the outcome.

if anyone is feeling lonely or bored, i'm down to play a bit of tetris, just putting that out there.

>>38640340
>It's hard to value creating when you only value the time spent, not the outcome
that's kinda the root of it though, I often don't find great joy in the things i've made after I've made them (unless they spew fire, then i'll keep it around for a rainy day), It's more the act of conceptualisation, learning things that i need to know to accomplish the project, learning and honing new skills. For me it's the act of making which gives me purpose, not the product.

>>38640131
>Opportunity to bond socially
If I don't remember you, it probably is because you weren't that great of a person. Nobody in school was good to me Dan, why would I want to socialize with them?

>I care about the are the ones which have some social value
So you find social values pointless, but yet here you are embracing them. If others view you as so pathetic and inferior, why not escape society Dan?

>I avoid many things I will never be able to do well
Only because you prioritize proficiency as opposed to just simple entertainment for the self. Don't prioritize trying to be better than someone at something, prioritize what gives you personal amusement. I have never won a Deathmatch game against anyone that wasn't my father. Does that mean I stop? Not at all. Of course, my OCD means I can't play on public servers, which means I get few chances to play others. But I always welcome to opportunity to play others, if only because I appreciate companionship until they prove it is fake and at the end of the day enjoyed just being able to play a game.

>I don't have a problem fitting in
I have a certain magnetism. People love me, then they realize how bad I am. I am never the one to leave, even when I turn into my Hyde of my BPD and verbally abuse others. She is a lot better at being entirely apathetic, she could care less who you are, she just likes entertaining herself fully.

>See something on Youtube
Are you nuts? I have paranoia about spoiling things for myself, so I avoid watching Youtube videos on games I haven't touched. Plus I don't leisurely watch Youtube videos, I need to watch them in chronological order on the person's playlist until they hit a game I haven't played, which usually means I get few people I can see. I am not really a Let's Play watcher anyway, way too passive of an action, I am more the type that loves doing and letting others see, even if just to show how horrible it can be.

>>38640418
And so what part of it do you actually like? The hands on process of building or the idea that you made something physical that was only mental?

>>38640439
the former is pleasurable during the act and the latter is satisfactory upon completion. It's a bit of both.

>>38639133
>you were sad and angry at yourself

Bull's eye. Dan projects both his own opinions on others and his self-loathing. The shallowness he imagines all women share is really his own, and what he thinks they think of him is really what he thinks of himself.

>>38640425
>Nobody in school was good to me Dan, why would I want to socialize with them?
Do only the people you don't like recognize you?

>If others view you as so pathetic and inferior, why not escape society Dan?
It's me who is the problem. I will still see myself as inferior and will hate myself. Not sure if you were in the thread where I talked how I was actively planning (getting gear, planning the route, saving money) to run away and die in the wilderness. That's when it struck me. I don't need to not be around people. I can torture myself easily enough.

>Only because you prioritize proficiency as opposed to just simple entertainment for the self. Don't prioritize trying to be better than someone at something, prioritize what gives you personal amusement.
For me the proficiency is amusing. Not the game itself.

>I am never the one to leave, even when I turn into my Hyde of my BPD and verbally abuse others. She is a lot better at being entirely apathetic, she could care less who you are, she just likes entertaining herself fully.
Wait is Hyde a woman? I've never read the novel. As for the magnetism, I don't know. I'm always surprised that people usually don't hate me when I talk to them (like I said, it's usually the opposite). So I guess there must be something, no idea what it is.

>I am not really a Let's Play watcher anyway
Me neither. Just when I see something interesting. You're not really into trying new things, I take it.

>>38639163
>Misery is more exhilarating than happiness.

You have never known happiness, I am sad to say. But don't lose hope.

>>38640204
Why can't you accept being inferior? It isn't something you can change. You put a priority on things others can be better than you in when I suggest making your own amusement. You avoid anything you get good at. You may not like it, but mentally beating yourself up about it changes nothing. Get rid of your demons, learn to not care if they feel like they won or laugh at you. You are independent, you have the ability to do whatever you want. You are terrible at chess, nobody can stop you from playing or enjoying yourself. The only way they get control over you and end up cucking you is if you do what you do, which is to prevent yourself from enjoyment because they might say mean things. They don't matter Dan, nobody matters but you, even if you are an inferior being in society's terms you are free to redefine the values. Stop playing their games Dan, their games are unfair and based on genetics. Your games can be based on your own rules. Don't be afraid to act like a bee, it isn't like you are missing much otherwise and you can get some amusement out of that. If not, find something to amuse you and do it. Be a literal walking piece of shit through life, just focus on self-gratification for that is the sole purpose of life, distractions from death and giving yourself as much pleasure as you can.

>>38638297
Please respond

Original value verified

>>38640482
So if you enjoyed the act of learning a skill, how would it be different from creating something when both entail making something that wasn't into something that is, with the skill learning satisfying that through the imagination of you doing said skill and making real that imagined ability?

>>38640531
>The shallowness he imagines all women
oh does Dan have an issue with women? i mean it'd make sense given the general attitude harboured by some on r9k, i haven't been here long but i haven't seen anything anti women, just anti chad or misanthropic.

>>38640550
>You avoid anything you get good at.
I don't avoid. I want to learn new things. Other things. I don't want to be the guy who is doing something for 20 years, is really great at it and can do it easily with very little effort. I want to move up.

>They don't matter Dan, nobody matters but you, even if you are an inferior being in society's terms you are free to redefine the values.
They matter greatly. To succeed at life, they matter a lot. No man is an island.

>Stop playing their games Dan, their games are unfair and based on genetics.
The only way to stop playing is to kill yourself.

>Your games can be based on your own rules.
Then I have failed. I wasn't able to succeed so I created my "rules" as sour grapes.

I can't accept being inferior. I can't. And I don't care all that much about amusement.

>>38640535
>Do only the people you don't like recognize you
Exactly. In real life there isn't a person that I have met that isn't my enemy, it is only through the internet I have found there to be better. Before I started being social on the internet I had contempt for all of society, quite some hatred of all humans. It was personal connections on the internet that told me there was some redemption, it just is that the state I live in is filled with some of the worst human beings you will ever meet.

>It's me who is the problem
I can see that indeed. You need to change your perspective. As I said, you are inferior according to society. If you disconnect from society, make yourself no longer a part of it beyond on your terms, you get freedom from that.

>Not the game itself
Then find something that can amuse you. Asking for proficiency when you are inferior is asking to have a patch of hair when you are bald. It is lining yourself up to be miserable because you don't meet your expectations. Just notice you are doing this to yourself.

>Hyde a woman
No, BPD often has multiple personalities within a single person's frame. My worst part, the part that is dangerous to be around people, is the part that is female in being. She hates humanity enough that she accepts no gender, but she is female. It is weird to describe, I never would consider myself a woman, yet I have a female identity living in my head that I identify as part of me. I do not expect many to grasp this, at best they will just think I am some tranny.

>Surprised that people usually don't hate me
I have attributed it to people not knowing me well enough, not knowing how horrible I am inside. Everyone has limits, everyone has boundaries, and I am just great at eventually hitting nearly everyone's. There are exceptions, those are the rare friendships that last a lifetime. But even then I am cynical if they just haven't crashed and burned.

>>38640716
Yeah, big time. I was being a real cunt to Charlie (another regular) because of that. I'm also misogynistic in real life to the point where some of my colleagues don't like talking to me anymore.

>>38638297
that's just a fantasy, if i were you i'd find what you are good at, find who is at the pinnacle of that and set them as your target, it's fine to have heroes and wish to be them but beating yourself up over it can't be very healthy at all.

>>38639331
>It feels like whatever I do, I can't impact anything. Nothing changes. I never connect with anyone. My existence feels blunt, like I'm a husk.

Do you have physical symptoms that relate to this? Do you feel disconnected from the reality you live in?

Read about derealisation and report back.

>>38640775
oh, well at least you're self aware, any idea why you feel this way?

>>38640756
>In real life there isn't a person that I have met that isn't my enemy
That sure sound like me. I talked to a 12 year old recently who could fit right into this thread. He is on SSRIs (I shit you not), depressed, bullied, has no friends. When he said something similar, I asked him if everyone really is like that or if he is simply telling himself everyone is like that.

>As I said, you are inferior according to society. If you disconnect from society, make yourself no longer a part of it beyond on your terms, you get freedom from that.
I want to be valued in society. I can't disconnect.

>It is lining yourself up to be miserable because you don't meet your expectations. Just notice you are doing this to yourself.
Just to clarify, the things I do for a living I am actually meeting my expectations. Exceeding them even. There are many things in which I fail though. These I must focus on.

>I do not expect many to grasp this, at best they will just think I am some tranny.
At best? Doesn't seem like "at best" scenario. Lol.

>I have attributed it to people not knowing me well enough, not knowing how horrible I am inside.
Oh yeah that's true. And the guilt that comes with that. That they are wasting their time on you and you're leading them on. Or is it guilt? More like the fear of being found out. This fear actually made me stop drinking in front of my colleagues.

>>38640838
Because I am short, ugly and have a small penis. So women don't consider me attractive and reject me. And I hate them for that, because after all, I didn't choose to be any of this.

>>38640893
those women don't choose who their attracted to either, just like you likely have people that you find unattractive
>short
this is only really an issue for really attractive women who can choose to be picky or bitches, most of us really don't care about height.
>small penis
if you get to the point where a woman finds that out then they have likely settled on having sex with you anyway so it won't really matter.

Hey everyone, Im back, gonna start working on the drawing
I doubt anyone cares but who knows

>>38640806
It's just so tantalising though. I write the entire music for a song, the structure everything, all it needs is someone to sing and write lyrics for it and I just cannot do it for whatever reason. It riles me up so much. I've always been an autistic shut in and I don't like accessible music anyway so it is really up to me to create full songs.

I think I'm forcing myself to sing, really. I've never been really interested in singing.

>>38640535
>Not really into trying new things
Not where my OCD is involved. Games and music especially, I care about them so much that I feel I am lining myself for failure when I try anything new. It is a pleasant surprise if I like something.

Now, if those new things are being generated from me, that is entirely different. I love variety, I love experimentation, I love chaos. I also love trying things just to see how they are such as food, I always will try a different bag of chips to see how I like the flavor. Sexually I would be obsessed with constantly doing new things. Basically I am a chaotic being shackled by OCD in certain avenues which in turn inhibits my desire to even try more. Though I still have hope. I really want to play Skyrim. I hear there are mods there that allow you to rape people. Yes, this is the motive I don't often mention for why I am obsessed with Skyrim, because it has mods that allows me to indulge in my sexual fantasies. I always felt depressed I could never really use nude mods because practically every game I play is either too old for mods or doesn't have female characters besides Tomb Raider, which the nude mod doesn't patch correctly on modern computers. Skyrim sounds like a dream come true. Sexuality, quests so it isn't just a pointless open world, a heavily modifiable world... I could only imagine the fun I could have. I am a degenerate who cannot even revel in my degeneracy, so instead I have to play terrible Doom PWADs and get happy when I run across one with a woman in lingerie if you go into the editor.

>>38640747
I am pretty useless to help there. Give me something with enough freedom and I will be happy. Skyrim is my dream for freedom. I heard about something called the Cursed Armor mod... that type of stuff is absolutely amazing and I wish I could enjoy.

>No man is an island
And this is where we differ. I wish to be an island, one where I can find some neighboring land that can accept, but otherwise float apart.

>>38640942
>those women don't choose who their attracted to either, just like you likely have people that you find unattractive
That's nice and all. It probably wouldn't bother me if I was close to average, but if you are the bottom few %, this is only nice in theory. In real life I don't give a shit about your reasoning, because I am found unattractive by pretty much everyone.

>this is only really an issue for really attractive women who can choose to be picky or bitches, most of us really don't care about height.
Yeah you're wrong. And I know you probably don't like being told what your preferences are, but you are wrong.

>if you get to the point where a woman finds that out then they have likely settled on having sex with you anyway so it won't really matter.
In a way, you're right. If it's the first time, she likely won't run away. She might grow dissatisfied, because I can be as attentive and loving to her as I want, but you can't cheat physics. You can however cheat (on) men with small dicks and thus humiliate them.

I think it would be for the best if you didn't respond to me.

>>38640975
maybe you'll like singing more as you get better? singing is a skill after all.

>>38641024
well i'm not gonna respond to that stuff just because you do seem pretty adamant, though i will end on the statement that we at least don't share the same sexual environment because i haven't felt sexual attraction to a real person in years, so at least there's that.

>>38640986
>Basically I am a chaotic being shackled by OCD in certain avenues which in turn inhibits my desire to even try more.
I can't at all understand how you can be this way. I have no idea what all this means. Or how can it even exist.

>And this is where we differ. I wish to be an island, one where I can find some neighboring land that can accept, but otherwise float apart.
And I want to be the biggest island. The one which other islands just can't force out.

>>38640837
I guess some of it fits, but it seems so subjective. I don't get panic attacks. The dolly zoom thing is interesting because that happens semi-often and I was always wondering what it was called because nobody I've mentioned it to knew what I was talking about. I get some foggy or weird shit, but does anybody feel 100% present all the time? Detachment seems like a description of a philosophy rather than a disorder as I'm reading it. The world is only as real as any individual decides it. What does an actual description of the term detached from the world feel like? How would you even know if you were? The other physical symptoms like chest pain, nausea, visual snow, etc. are all so common it's impossible to distinguish the cause. I don't know, man. How would it make a difference even if derealisastion was the case? Not much of a chance of fixing that I imagine.

>>38640747
>Kill yourself
Only if you accept their games do those games have power over you. There are two things limiting you in life, control due to influence over your life and control due to playing their games and thus having influence over you. You don't have the former, which you can't escape from. The latter you easily can. I wish I had your position. I wish I could play Skyrim. I hold a lot of jealousy because I wish I could play Skyrim and I can't even play Morrowind.

>Sour grapes
You failed society, but does it matter? You put so much importance to people you view as Chads wishing to abuse you when there exists a blue pill to ignore them.

>I don't care all that much about amusement
If all that matters in life is being better than others and you cannot be better than others, I do not understand the rationale for staying alive. At least that way they couldn't "milk" you. Truthfully I find your position folly, you could have happiness and instead you seek what you cannot have.

>>38641111
>Only if you accept their games do those games have power over you.
They have power over you whether you like it or not. Only you pretend you don't care about the things they take away from you. Or maybe you really don't, but I don't see how I could. I'm not gonna lie to myself. I want the things that I can get if I accept their games.

>You failed society, but does it matter? You put so much importance to people you view as Chads wishing to abuse you when there exists a blue pill to ignore them
If you ignore them you lose the chance to get many things.

>I do not understand the rationale for staying alive
That's the thing. I don't either! And yet if I grabbed the gun, chambered the round and put it to my temple, I wouldn't be able to press the trigger. What's the fucking deal with that?

>Truthfully I find your position folly, you could have happiness and instead you seek what you cannot have.
And you could have had many things that would give you happiness. Instead you seek happiness without these things.

>>38640986
>Skyrim
for what you've described it's almost perfect, unlike other sexual games, it really has impact in skyrim as the characters have personalities which you get to know, making it all the more lewd when you do do horrible things with mods.
>Doom PWADs
good taste my man, do you make your own WADs or just play other peoples?

>>38640871
>I asked him
See, you found a 12 year old that wasn't your enemy. I can't even find that much, all the 12 year olds either flee from me or want to wack me with a stick to get the candy out of the pinata. So I turned online.

>I want to be valued in society
You could be in a desert, dying of thirst, and you would simply stop going because you saw no point to continuing and water was all that mattered. You are at a disadvantage. The difference is the lack of society won't kill you. Don't cut them off fully, otherwise you won't be talking to anyone and having company, but learn just not to care about anyone that hasn't given merit.

>There are many things in which I fail though
So you admit you are doing ever better than you would like, but you don't like that. You can do good in things, yet you want to move to what you can't do. You are setting an impossible goal, to be great in everything, when you consider yourself at a horrible disadvantage. Learn to lower your expectations in life if you can. You are making yourself unhappy without good reason.

>At best
Well, who knows how much of degenerate they may think I am otherwise. Truthfully, I don't really care, as long as those close to me don't learn so they can use it to control me more.

>Fear of being found out
Again, different from you here. I am selfish, I like to relish in what I am given. You want to be my friend, sure, go ahead. You want to give me money, by all means. I live for the time I am together with my friends on the basis that I enjoy their company. It doesn't hurt less when they go, but I do not take actions to prevent their going, for they will find out who I am in time anyway and decide to go.

>>38641095
>I have no idea what all this means
I live in a lot of confusion and chaos. I don't expect it to make much sense and I don't know how to clarify it.

>I want to be the biggest island
You aren't the biggest island, so stop trying. Instead drift further away from the other islands.

>>38641195
>I want the things I can get
What can you get? I think this might be why I don't desire it, I don't even understand the benefits.

>Lose the chance to get many things
Like what? What could be more important than your individuality, your freedom, your entertainment and amusement?

>What's the fucking deal with that?
What goes through your head when you do it? What makes you hesitate? A hope that things can change possibly? But that wouldn't make sense with your genetic argument.

>Many things that would give you happiness
You keep saying this. Please explain what benefits society gives.

>>38641286
>So I turned online.
I still think you're biased.

>Don't cut them off fully, otherwise you won't be talking to anyone and having company, but learn just not to care about anyone that hasn't given merit.
I don't want to do that.

>You can do good in things, yet you want to move to what you can't do.
And learn to do these new things.

>It doesn't hurt less when they go, but I do not take actions to prevent their going, for they will find out who I am in time anyway and decide to go.
Interesting. I mostly do this with colleagues or people who are useful.

>>38641210
>Skyrim
Exactly! I tried 3d Sex Villa and would make my Waifu there, but would always get bored when it was time for sex. Why? There was zero point, it was just poses. I need quests, action, a world to explore and do things in. I need animals chasing my female character while naked that may rape her if they reach her. Trust me, I have heard about some of the adult mods for Skyrim enough to know it is perfect. Even Oblivion would be amazing. Morrowind has nude mods, so better than the older ones, but it is so text based that it isn't the most interesting.

>Doom
I have tried making my own PWADs, but I get bored as I don't like Doom personally. I just do it due to my OCD telling me I need to play every Doom level in chronological order from 1994 until Quake came out in 1996. I am still only in early June of 1994 and this Star Wars Droids business has made it so I don't even want to touch games at the moment. Trust me, it is abysmal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzFaV4keCBM
This is the hell I have to beat. I have no idea how to do it, it seems this place is a maze and you get a limited number of tries on horrible Simon games that are mandatory to navigate around. Of course I haven't put much effort into this one, that is how burned out I am after months of terrible Doom levels and the Star Wars Famicom game.

>>38641358
>You aren't the biggest island, so stop trying. Instead drift further away from the other islands.
No. Not gonna happen.

>What can you get? I think this might be why I don't desire it, I don't even understand the benefits.
A family. Money. Possessions.

>What goes through your head when you do it? What makes you hesitate? A hope that things can change possibly? But that wouldn't make sense with your genetic argument.

>You keep saying this. Please explain what benefits society gives.
You can be a part of society in the traditional way. Have a family, kids, that kinda stuff. And yeah I know what I just said. I know how retarded it sounds coming from me.

>>38641434
>Biased
Oh? I don't hold animosity to people I have gotten to know well online.

>Don't want to do that
Then find out what you want to do. Currently you just want what you can't have and are complaining about it.

>Learn to do these new things
How can you learn if you give up after 1 game because it isn't worth learning because you will be terrible at it?

>I mostly do this with colleagues
It isn't a sense of manipulation for me. It is acceptance they will leave in time anyway, so just try to make the best of it now, while accepting they may not always be there.

>>38641508
>Oh? I don't hold animosity to people I have gotten to know well online.
And towards new people you meet IRL?

>Then find out what you want to do. Currently you just want what you can't have and are complaining about it.
And who is the real reason I can't have it? Yes, normies/society.

>How can you learn if you give up after 1 game because it isn't worth learning because you will be terrible at it?
I can tell by my base level when I first do something if it's worth trying or not.

>>38641453
wait so what's this about the star wars games? are you also playing all star wars games in chronological order?

>>38641501
>Not gonna happen
Then you sit by the other islands and complain you aren't bigger. Not a good life Dan. Make things work to your favor as best as they can.

>Things
>A family
Does a family really matter that much? Do you really want to pass on your inferior genes? I don't see why this should matter too much.

>Money
You can get enough money to get by without really having any skills at all. My job mostly involves shitposting as they have zero to give me and they could care less that I am even here. It could be the perfect job, but it also proves I got lucky to find a job where being totally useless didn't mean I ended up fired.

>Possessions
You don't need society to get that, you just need to buy things with money, which I already described. As I said, a total disconnect is unnecessary, just enough where you can disappear and otherwise be free.

>>38641586
>Then you sit by the other islands and complain you aren't bigger. Not a good life Dan.
So I'm gonna be as isolated as possible pretend I don't care about not being as big? That seems even worse and also dishonest. I will always want to be as big as possible.

>I don't see why this should matter too much.
I don't see why it should either. It just does.

>You can get enough money to get by without really having any skills at all.
I wanna have skills though. For the sake of having skills.

File: 20424712_1976940058998626_978750700_o.jpg (170KB, 2048x1536px) Image search: [Google]

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I doubt anyone even noticed I posted here

But anyway heres the first part
Doesnt look that bad for a start

>>38641677
I saw you, i even requested you shared the picture too >>38639158, looks great so far, what are you going for?

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>>38639359

Still stuck on this one. I just can't, guys.

>Nuk is ded

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More badly drawn Pepe's from Coats would be welcome, if you have time, of course. No presure.

>>38641730
Oh, sorry, thats the older post, I didnt notice

I also posted that Im back
>>38640950

Dont know what Im going for, I usually let my mood lead me
But Id like to include a part of my favourite song into it, not sure how Ill do it yet

>>38641749
Need to talk Nick? I'm working, but may be able to hold a convo.

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280KB, 400x388px

>Practically begging mom to let me go to the doctor as I feel my mental state degrading more and more
>Just want to get meds but have to wait a few more months because insurance only pays for one doctor visit a year
Fuck fuck fuck fuck, I'm not sure if I can last, I'm about to go pick up some cough syrup to abuse.
My parents are all on fucking SSRI's too, Those are such bullshit, I need something else, They don't work

>>38641854

What do you want to talk about, faggot? I don't have all day. Hurry up.

>>38641580
Holy shit, shut the fuck up you overly pretentious prick. Just because you're bad at stuff doesn't mean you have to hate life. Fuck you. Fuck everything you stand for. You're just a bitter piece of shit who wants to blame someone else for his problems.

Shut the fuck up. Go see the world or something. Fuck you.

>>38642008
And fuck you too.

My inferiority is not my problem because it's out of my control. Retard.

>>38640531
Fucking bingo analysis.

>>38641907

Your parents sound like narcissists.

Please don't take any cough syrup. It will only make your situation worse.

What sort of mental health symptoms are you experiencing? I'm here to listen.

>>38642024
Well clearly it is, because you whine about it 24/7. Have you ever tried at literally anything for more than a minute?

Fake Nick at it again?

>>38642043
Yes I have. Any other questions?

On the quest to improve myself I hit a hard stop. I've got a job, starting to fix my finances and got in shape. I tried reconnecting with some old friends but that fizzled out. So I thought I'd try making new friends. And I met an amazing girl.

But I found out everything she has told me about herself has been a lie. She played me. She sent me so many mixed signals so I thought I'd try and go for it. Then she crushed me and still wants to be my friend. I would have been ok with her just being a friend, but with all the lies she told me, I honestly don't think I can. And it feels like I've been set back and am so tempted to revert to my old ways.

>>38642077
I definetly would not stay friends with her If she lied in your face so much, nothing good to come out of it

Dont let it get in your head too much, people can be assholes, doesnt mean you should let them fuck up your life

>>38642038
I'm going to do it.
Right now? I don't really know, a fit of depression? I don't ever want to take SSRI's again but isolation is really weighing on me. Like, I can't really feel anything right now but I can feel tears welling up in my eyes but I'm holding them back. I don't want to cry any more.
I've always been anxious and an outcast even to the outcasts but my Dad made us move a few months after I finished high school and turned 18, I had just finally gotten a job, Lost a lot of weight, Made friends you know? For the first fucking time in my life I'm feeling a little bit normal even if I had a habit of drinking but every one my age does
But I live my entire fucking life in one place and it gets fucked up because my impulsive low IQ dad moves us 2000 miles away to a fucking retirement community neighborhood because he likes the heat and because he thought he'd make more money by moving to the HQ. It's been nearly a year and I haven't done anything, I've had my ups and downs personally, In fact, I'm on way to entering a community college but that's not helping me a bit right now because it still seems so far away especially financially

We are about to move again, Some where close in the same area, We've lived in a MUCH smaller one story house despite the fact my parents make a little bit more money. All there is fucking old people around here. I hate this fucking place, I hate this fucking desert and there's no home to go back to.
Maybe they are "narcissists" but really, 99% of people are

>>38642213

Shut the fuck up and let me do my job.

>>38642077

You have been making great progress my friend. Do not let her get you down.

There is plenty of good people out there that will treat you better. In all honesty your friend sounds like a narcissist and I wouldn't keep her in your life.

Allow yourself to feel all of these emotions from this betrayal, and when you feel ready, make some new friends.

>>38641749
Yesterday I asked for your email-address, you gave me "redrain1982", but looking at older threads I saw "redrainn1982" floating around.

Is it 1 or 2 ns?

>>38642382
It's rainn

>>38642278
>I'm going to do it.

Why? Nothing good will come out of it. You will only feel worse and sick.

Please try a healthier way to cope with your problems. Cry it out and don't hold back your tears. I promise you will feel better instead of holding it all inside.

>>38642382

You can use either one to email me.

>>38642409
>Cry it out and don't hold back your tears. I promise you will feel better instead of holding it all inside.
I've "cried it out" enough this week, that's just fucking bullshit.
I won't feel worse or sick at all. I'll actually feel something

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>>38642422
Hah, trick me you shall not!

Did everyone suddenly disappear from here?

>>38642213
>>38642317

Yah I know I need to forget her. It just hurts that the first real social interaction in 3 years with a "friend" was a complete disaster. I know I should just move on and learn from it but it sucks right now.

>>38642790

I'm still here. I am writing some important emails and playing chess.

>>38636242
>>38636287
>>38642409
>>38642981
Too many Nicks

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>>38642790
I'm not feeling my best so please accept this song of my people in lieu of a more creative insult:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnz5f9KJC6g

>>38643071
Hi Atlas, thanks for pointing that out. I just want you to know I am the only real Nick here.

I'm back, had to leave earlier than expected.

>>38641580
>And towards new people you meet IRL?
I hold a lot of distrust until they can prove themselves to me. So far, none IRL have.

>>38641580
>And who is the real reason I can't have it?
Yes, but you can't change that part. You can't change them. So adapt around them. Like a survivor in the jungle, learn the best survive against the opposition they raise. They seek to control you through power plays, then go where power plays cannot occur, learn to not care about power plays. If you hold to wanting to be with society, you are essentially hitting your head against a rock wall because you refuse to go into the woods, then complaining that it was nature's fault the rock fell in your path in the first place. The woods may be tangled and have thorns, but it is agreeable to hitting your head on a rock.

>>38641580
>I can tell by my base level when I first do something if it's worth trying or not.
Have you ever had a good base level in something? You seemed to make it sound like you lacked abilities in everything because it was all tied together. Would this not make you question if the method of testing is flawed?

>>38641642
>So I'm gonna be as isolated as possible pretend I don't care about not being as big?
Sure, it isn't worse because you get to live your life. It is better as you get to have fun. You are putting value on societal values. Families, economic power... as I said, it is like a bald man complaining he doesn't have hair when he has everything else perfect. Simply do something else and you wouldn't have this issue.

>>38641642
>It just does.
If you can't see why it matters, why do YOU put importance on it? Forget society Dan, forget their values, explain why it would make YOU happy.

>Sake of having skills
What is the end goal? Once you have skills you will just look for a new avenue. Say you were skilled in everything you did...you would get bored as you seek what you lack skill in.

>>38643071
>>38643195
This feels relevant

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iyOkFLuoBc

>>38642908
Wish I could help you more but I doubt theres anything else to do than just bear through it

Same things happen to me quite alot these times
Not with friends but with any girl I meet
Since I broke up with my gf which was probably almost 3 years ago by now I started falling deep into depression.
I met a few girls
Each one I saw as the savior that will help me get my life together
Each one turned to be just using me or totally crazy.
Everytime I felt worse and worse after it. Now I learned not to get my hopes up and just stay alone
The loneliness is killing me but there isnt anything I can do, just wait for it to push me over the edge

Got kinda too much talkative here

>>38643152
Hey, that song is actually pretty good
Also hello Facet

>>38643195
I know youre not the real one but who cares at this point

Guys... I'm done with the e-mail.

Kill me senpain.

welp, I did it again, so I leave that typo as is.

>>38643195
>>38642981
>>38642409
>>38636287
>>38636242

ALL impostors I am the original Nick

>>38640182

Ask her not to tell anyone else, that you trust her with this stuff, it's important.

If she has a brain, she'll know that already. But just make sure.

Three hours late on that response, sorry senpai.

I'm a sack of crap today.

>>38643501
What is my favourite poem?
Real Nick knows
By that I mean this guy
>>38643487

>>38643487

Not me. I've been done with the e-mail ages ago.

To everyone else, don't worry, I am not ignoring you. I will respond to all the posts when I get the chance.

name: Zfag
age: 18
occupation: Unemployed (enlisting in Navy)
symptoms: apathetic, no emotions, can't cry, neurotic
condition(s), if known: psychotic depression
therapy: 2011-2017
friends: Socialize with strangers downtown
relationship: None
living conditions: With mum
goals: Get the free gibs through Navy'

Life is pretty depressing desu

>>38642038

Imposter. This isn't me.

>>38642317

Imposter, not me.

I had a pretty bad day today. I'm not going to go into detail about work since I don't like to be specific, but suffice it to say I was left feeling utterly humiliated. Powerlessness and humiliation are the feelings that I hate and avoid most of all, and that was the position I was put into. I felt denigrated, my status was undermined and I'm now locked in beneath a colleague whom I don't respect. I also had to admit I made a mistake, which I do not enjoy, nor do I entirely feel that the mistake was mine. The episode also called my professional competence into question with management. This woman, whom apparently I'm to be subordinate to, had the gall to say my efforts were appreciated. I'd like to get some kind of petty, spiteful revenge but there'd be no joy in it. Not now. It would be too mediocre of an engagement.

When it all happened I have to admit I wanted to storm out, or lash out, or even to cry. I felt so utterly trapped and defeated. Horrible, horrible feel. This was also the first real test to my sobriety. As those of you who've been here a while know, drinking means something special for me. It allows me more than catharsis, but a kind of existential escape that I've come to rely on for a variety of reasons. Without that, I'm trapped with my suffering and without the means to properly process it. I'm forced to just feel it but not respond to it. I wouldn't entirely rule out the idea that in a few days I might break my sobriety, but actually I think I'll be fine by then and I'm only saying that to convince myself to keep to it today. It will pass.

>>38643661
This was me of course, I drop that thing all the fucking time but what's new?

>>38640539
Happiness and stupidity are brothers. I'll take my intelligence.

>>38643570
"Psychological Issues #79 Nick !!fj+6JtTXdtt"
It's easy to check his trip.

>>38642382

My bad, it's two n's. redrainn1982

Fun tidbit: rainn is taken from Tori Amos' association thing, it stands for Rape and Incest National Network. It's for all sorts of abuse. I think it's a hotline and maybe more.

Now you know why it's two n's. For National Network.

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>>38641749
I am glad you collected my images, it is an honor to have you use them.

>>38641794
More badly drawn Pepes eh? Hmm, well I have Photoshop on this computer, so one high quality badly drawn pepe coming up!

All I could think of was Dan's insistence on me being Chad, so here it is immortalized in terrible Pepe format.

>>38643658
>>38643625

Imposter. This isn't me. Please check the trips to avoid further confusion.

>>38642981

You're getting better at this. Still, I never write e-mails with the hyphen. Disdain for plebs.

>>38643556
Its all good, you're busy.
>Ask her not to tell anyone else, that you trust her with this stuff, it's important.
Already did.
>If she has a brain, she'll know that already. But just make sure.
But she's female, and gossip.

>>38643731
>You're getting better at this.

How ironic. I don't need to try because I am the real and original Nick.

>>38643566
>What is my favourite poem?

It's from the war. I admit I forget the title and the author. I only remember I liked it and it was from the war.

>Who's the better war author? Hemingway or Emily Dickinson?
>Emily Dickinson
>You're a fun kid, Phoebe.

I could check my e-mail and tell you, Atlas, but you know my favourite poems is The Hollow Men by TS Eliot. The trolls wouldn't know I told you this.

>>38643694
>Happiness and stupidity are brothers. I'll take my intelligence.

I often wonder if true intelligence isn't what happens when you understand happiness is all that really matters.

I don't claim to know.

To remember my trip, remember that it literally ends with xD titty.

That should make it easy.

>>38643566

I don't remember the exact name, but your favorite poem is from the war. This confirms I am the real Nick since only he knows that.

Topkek, how will the trolls ever recover?

>>38643709
>I am glad you collected my images, it is an honor to have you use them.

The honor is all mine. This one made me laugh for real. First time today. Good job.

Your maymays are funny. I don't post them just because you made them, I post them because they're fun as fuck.

>>38643716

No xD titty at the end. Imposter.

>>38643716

https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/36244000/

Thread 30, I was already using the same trip.

>>38643806
Yeah, i remember it .
I know its you anyway, just wanted to see how the troll would react

Anyway its getting late so good night everyone , im going to bed

>>38643755
>But she's female, and gossip.

I told my secrets to two women and not a word came out. Besides, if she does speak, it may be to help you. I don't know her, I can't tell, but give her a chance.

>>38643857
>Topkek, how will the trolls ever recover?

You won't. You just make a fool of yourself and everyone is entertained. This went from "muh terrifying /r9k/ revolution" to being a nice piece of entertainment.

If I trolled my own thread, I would do so much better. (And in fact, I have already.)

Try to be more fun. Be creative. I'll give you ideas if you want. Shoot me an e-mail and I'll think of something fun.

>>38643849
Chasing happiness itself won't make you happy, unless you have a lot of character - in which case you're not chasing happiness except in an indirect manner.

Life is an awful grind and if you miss some steps, you're screwed - especially if you only really had one chance.

>>38643912
>No xD titty at the end.
what the fuck

>>38644013
>Chasing happiness itself won't make you happy, unless you have a lot of character

I'm curious how having character makes a difference here.

>in which case you're not chasing happiness except in an indirect manner.

Not sure what you mean here.

>Life is an awful grind and if you miss some steps, you're screwed - especially if you only really had one chance.

As long as you're alive, the chances never end.

>>38643948

that's weird Atlas, you respond to the wrong Nick lol

>>38644037

Read my trip. The end. It's xD titty. You is a dumb troll yo.

>>38644048

Can you please stop derailing my thread?

>>38644048
what i meant is that it's funny you call it an 'xD titty' you fucking moron

>>38644064

Dude, dood, diood, diodo, if you'd only actually make a whole fake thread, I could come troll your thread.

I'd show you how it's done. Even you would laugh. (In fact, you don't even know it, but we've trolled together already, my man.)

>>38644078
>what i meant is that it's funny you call it an 'xD titty' you fucking moron

Nice back-peddling, my man. I suppose the ways of the mnemotechnic arts are impenetrable to you.

Like women.

>>38644009
we don't need your help faggot we are already preparing the beta uprising against you

>>38644115
that literally is what i meant. you're a waste of space kys

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>>38643896
Thanks Nick, glad I could bring some happiness. We definitely need more pepe maymays.

I am glad I can bring enjoyment through my crudely drawn images. This is apparently my purpose in life.

>>38644126

You have serious issues both reading what is written for you and expressing yourself.

>>38644116
>we don't need your help faggot we are already preparing the beta uprising against you

You're preparing? The beta uprising... against me... I'm here for you, silly. Not sure why you'd rise against me.

But please troll my shit harder and better.

>>38644149

Oh God, that one is just too good. Based on a true story. I can't stop kekking.

But no, your purpose in life is much more. This is only a little thing, but it's good. You are a fun guy.

>>38644039
Lol my man, there's not many more fish in the sea like the one I had, and when I do find one I like, she's going to be completely insane and almost assuredly have BPD.
Women like her are my other puzzle piece. I've accepted this fact and my own misery.

More disturbingly, at least from my own vantage point, is that I appear to be their other puzzle piece, so I'll just keep getting into this destructive spiral every time a woman who's like this comes along and I'm still alone.

>>38642074
This is my clarity, Dan.

>>38644191
>The beta uprising... against me... I'm here for you, silly.
how fucking stupid can you be? do you even know what the beta uprising is? you're a fucking normie and you need to get off our board. THAT'S why you're a target

>>38643954
>Besides, if she does speak, it may be to help you
An intervention is EXACTLY the last thing I need.

>>38644226
>Lol my man, there's not many more fish in the sea like the one I had,

We all think that.

>>38644226
>and when I do find one I like, she's going to be completely insane and almost assuredly have BPD.

Uh... I actually think that too.

>Women like her are my other puzzle piece. I've accepted this fact and my own misery.

In theory, if you get better, you attract and are attracted to healthier women. I am yet to experience that.

>>38644237
Sho is summuh up in hey.
Please return to your regularly scheduled faggotry.

>>38644219
Thank you very much Nick, I appreciate your compliments indeed. I do love to have fun.

>>38644237
>how fucking stupid can you be?

I'm trying my damndest but I can't get on your level. It's just not in me.

>do you even know what the beta uprising is?

Yes, I do know frog culture. I was here long before this board even existed.

>>38644237
>you're a fucking normie

I wish. I'd give anything to be a normie and live a normie life. Give me that robot testing template thing, I'll do the test, sounds fun.

> you need to get off our board. THAT'S why you're a target

You're really concerned about my thread showing up in the catalog? Do you feel it's that important? I understand playing Internet Wars, and I agree that it's fun as fuck, but don't tell me you feel invested by a mission. I mean, no one cares.

>>38644297
Hey, decided to drop by for a little. Should we finish our game of chess? Id like to go to bed earlier tonight and don't plan on staying up.

>>38644247
>An intervention is EXACTLY the last thing I need.

I was thinking more in the lines of people knowing they need to take extra care of you, inviting you out and such.

>>38644280
>you get better, you attract and are attracted to healthier women
Yeah, I don't see that happening any time ever. Now I understand why all the incredibly hot women I go after are always single - it's not because people are intimidated by them, no - it's because no one is insane enough to try and date them.

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>>38644297

Not just that, you are funny. You make better OC than I make.

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>>38644149
Excellent work on that punchline.

>>38644354

This guy is an imposter. I hate chess. Since Nick beat me, that is.

>>38644398

Not me. I beat Nick.

>>38644360
>Now I understand why all the incredibly hot women I go after are always single

Don't be fooled... Some of them get married and it's the same deal or worse.

Study the red flags and see if they show up.

>wants to carry your babies within a month>>38644360
>it's not because people are intimidated by them, no - it's because no one is insane enough to try and date them.

Yeah, the "You can't handle me," excuse is a huge red flag.

>>38644398
>>38644477
We both lose and win.

>>38644477

I have hot steamy sex with Nick. And I must admit, he always wins.

wow thread started early as hell

My "feel like a worthless piece of shit anxiety" is coming back, any recommandations to get over it easily without drugs?

Wore my contacts today and didn't even feel them. That's cool.

I also received a postcard from my parents... From the Grand Canyon. I literally didn't even know how to react.

>>38644554

Remember when we had anal sex in the Grand Canyon? You dirty boy.

>>38644544
>"feel like a worthless piece of shit anxiety" i

Interesting how these two things get together for me as well. Trying to find a moment when I felt anxiety but not the worthlessness thing, and I can't find it.

I feel worthless right now so I can't tell you. Working out and getting hot is a good idea, however, also most healthy. Long term project, though.

Take a long shower, for short term.

>>38644573

I sure do. After we were done,they nicknamed your ass Grand Canyon 2.

>>38644554
People told me contacts are a meme and are more pain than worth, is it true? Whats your experience when you first used them?

>>38644488
Oh I fully understand that they do get married... I would have married this woman. I still would.
Ha, no matter how "wrongly" I've been treated, I would still go back to her. Love is a dirty witch.