How are you?

@38312536
Bad. Don't wanna talk about it. Fuck you.

>>38312559
New here? Welcome to the pub.

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>>38312536
I'm envisioning going to a lake I use to visit when I was happy, walking to the end of the dock, and using a 4 winds shotgun to end all this misery.

ARGH
I DON'T FUCKING CARE

>>38312559
>@
This isn't twitter moran

>>38312757

What happened bro-ccolli?

is this a meme general or an actual genuine thread?

>>38313462

I've been making this thread every day for a little bit now and I generally like to see how you guys are doing.

There was once a thread just like this and it had hundreds of replies with genuine thoughts and sentiments. It was one of the most humanizing things I've ever read, unironically.

>>38313501
Already made a thread but here goes
>Was supposed to start wagecucking this week
>guy calls and says they've actually been trying to contact me since last week Monday
>was actually supposed to start last week and now I have to start next week
>July will be pretty much over by next week(close to)
>this only a summer job so don't have much time to get paper because school will start back by august's end

I just feel like i'd be happier if I was dead. Just wish I knew what was on the other side. Scared of burning in hell

>>38313501
>be an alcoholic necrophiliac with OCD and bipolar and some severe health problems to boot
>wind up in the hospital for lung problems while at work to my massive embarrassment
>now over $3k in debt thanks to no insurance thanks to obamashit not giving me any healthcare despite turning in all of my paperwork and calling them every day for months and just fuck my fucking shit I am so mad at the fucking system
>also got in a car accident a few weeks ago and since it was deemed a total loss, have no fucking transportation and will have to buy a new car
>working an OK job but not nearly good enough to pay for all this shit and for me to go to school later next year
>all of my dreams and hopes and aspirations and everything keeping me from wanting to dissolve into a pile of sadistic, fetishistic garbage is so far out of reach that I don't know what to fucking do with myself
did I mention that I'm in my late 20's and all of this shit has been happening over and over again since my late teens?
did I mention that my wealthy grandmother hates me and while she put my Stacy sister through college and pays for my parent's home and my aunt's mental health care and my other aunts and uncle's homes and fucking a I am so mad that I'm the craziest, most dejected and unreliable one in the family to the point that they're willing to pour everything into my schizophrenic aunt for tens of thousands of dollars a year but can't help me get fucking transportation or go to fucking school reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Does anyone else feel that in order to be happy they have to constantly brainwash themselves?

My natural mode of thinking has become so negative, defeatist, and self loathing that things that make other people feel good and more confident in themselves just don't work for me anymore. If I somehow managed to make out with a girl tonight, I'd quickly find ways to tell myself it wasn't an accomplishment, and then it would get lost underneath my insecurities. I naturally think much more about things I dislike about myself than things I've accomplished or praise people have given me. I can make myself feel confident and okay with myself, but it just feels like a lot of self delusion for a practical purposes.

I feel like healthy people, when they have negative thoughts, can choose to focus on something else that makes them happier, or reframe the situation in a way that makes them feel more positive. But for me it feels inescapable. I can be with my friends having drinks and everybody's enjoying themselves, but in my head all I'm thinking is I'm not as good as other people, I'm not as attractive as other people, I've fucked up lots of situations, I'm a bad person, I fucking suck.

In some way, everybody in my life is an enemy.
I'm always worried about what information they all have and how they'll
use it against me. I can never talk to anybody because it's too
dangerous.
Not only dangerous that they'll turn on me, but dangerous that they'll
hate listening to me yet feel obligated to continue. That's the most
dangerous of all, because, as they listen, their resentment grows and
grows.

No matter what I do I just can't stop the feelings of emptiness inside. I can remember the days when I didn't feel this way, and want to return to them. But this is impossible. I feel trapped in a perpetual melancholic mood, and I can't really talk to anyone about it. It seems like understanding the vastness of the universe and the smallness of myself has drained all of the color from the world, and left me with a grey facsimile of a place I once saw to be full of wonder and excitement.

>>38313841
yeah man I'm a pretty red-pilled thinker / person, so one way to get happy is to pretend I'm happy and bluepill myself temporarily. for example, even if my vape doesn't really taste that great, I'll pretend I can taste the vanilla notes and shit and act satisfied...it actually works sigh

>>38314087
if you don't have any latent mental illnesses / predisposition for such things, psychedelics might make you feel like a kid again

>>38313841
Starting antidepressants when I get back to school to try to ameliorate this. However, yeah I know exactly what you mean, anon. Furthermore, it gets worse every day.

The low self-esteem that I had 3-4 years ago is fucking incomparable to how I feel now. Maybe it's the fact that I'm running out of time. Maybe that's what's worsening it.

Not good. Can somebody please answer this:
>>38312656

>out of shape from being a sedentary drug addict the last few years (I'm too skinny and stiff)
>fucked up shoulders from dirtbiking accidents, not sure if I can make a full recovery
>turn 21 on September 23
>I'm in "last chance" mode, to get the life I want (BA by 22 and go Ranger on my 22nd birthday) I need to both put in the work and pray to God RIGHT NOW but I'm not doing it

plus I'm a manlet but I actually wish I was even smaller, since I have a giantess fetish.
maybe in valhalla

>>38312536
too long like udon

>>38314230

Hah, purpose. I wish I knew what that was. Right now I'm in the realm of fatalistic nihilism. I've been there for years, and it only ever gets worse. I can only ever hope to swing into a more absurdist mindset.

I'm thinking along the lines of Patrick Batemen from American Psyscho or Lorne Malvo from Fargo. That'd be pretty ideal, I think.

Feeling ok i guess

Was suicidel last month but dont really have an urge anymore.
Met with a new psyc yesterday, he was pretty cool alot better the the last ones
Prescribed me some new meds hope they work.
Thanks for asking anon your an ok guy

Another day starts, another opportunity gone.
Whatever.

I only came to r9k tonight because I'm feeling really depressed

>broke up with ex gf over 2 years ago
>haven't had a relationship since
>often think about how happy I was back then, but know that wouldn't the same now (I was the one who broke up with her, she became batshit crazy religious)

Since I was a teenager I always had a weird thought that I would kill myself before I'm 30, and I'm 29 now. I just feel no joy in life anymore. I've been working out lately to try and improve myself. Maybe it will help. Thanks for asking anon.

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i m so lost nothing is making sense anymore. i just want to leave the house 5 years and im sick of viewing the world through a monitor

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nihlism is a philosophical and moral dead end, just a symptom of the pathos of knowing too much and not enough

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>Nihilism edition

I'm okay now desu

really lonely, always disconnecting from reality

The girl who was my long distance online gf back in my naive high school years just got married today. I'm not sure how to feel about this, part of me wonders what would have happened if we ever met (it's not like it's out of the question she moved to the US a few years ago before meeting the guy she married).

>>38312559
kek where do you think you are new fren

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>tired and bored
>don't know what to do
>refresh front page for 30 minutes
>now it's time for bed and I haven't done anything all day

Bonus feel:
>make an internet friend I enjoy talking to
>they disappear for a bit
>say they tried to kill themselves but a friend picked them up and helped them out
>they start giving me one word responses to everything I say
>eventually they stop talking to me
>they sign off or go invis and I haven't seen them online for a week since
I feel bad and don't know what to do. I guess there's nothing I can do, but it really sucks. I hope they just blocked me or something.

>>38312536
Been having crazy moodswings all day and now I really wanna punch something but I feel so alone and worthless and I'm such a mess and I don't have internet to play online and distract me from my troubles and AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHH I WANNA DIE

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>>38312536
I NEED SOME FUCKING FRIENDS TO PLAY STEAM GAMES WITH

Really wanna drop out of college but my mom keeps guilting me

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I'm shit. SHIT! Fucking got woken up by a FUCKING WETA. Jumped down onto my pillow and woke me up at eye level the piece of fucking shit. Fuck this god damn shit man, I didn't sign up for this shit. I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I've been living in hell. There's nowhere left in my house where I can go and feel safety, relief, peace or happiness. These insects have stolen everything from me. Wish I was dead.

>>38315683
I always thought I'd kill myself before then too, life is sorta painful

On like day 3 of smoking, literal hell on earth desu

been smoking for 2 years, like 1-4 cigs a day

really trying to quit, but when you attempt to quit, there's a lingering anxiety, rage, and desperation.
any other smoke/ex-smoke fags know this feel?
sorta need someone to talk to so i can keep my mind off nicotine right now

i really want there to be a zombie apocalypse or just to see the world burn in general

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>>38316534
>Fucking got woken up by a FUCKING WETA.
Good god, what the fuck.

>>38316573
>On like day 3 of smoking
On like day 3 of not smoking**
sorry

>>38316573
I went through this when I quit but it disappeared after a week and wasn't very strong to begin with. I feel like I had it much easier than everyone else. I also smoked 1-3 times a day. It's weird, even though I quit years ago I still get that funny feeling in my gums that I used to get when I wanted a cigarette when I think about it.

>>38316573
i tried quitting coffeine

after day two the headaches became too much to deal with and i relapsed
Nicotine is much harder to get away from tho
FeelsBadMan I feel for ya

>make online friends
>have nothing to talk about
>feel like my quietness is annoying
>can't open up about anything
>lose friends because I push them away thinking it's for the best

Nothing has made me happy for a little while and I feel kind of mentally ill. I quit my job because I made a mistake that I felt bad about and also because the girl there that I had a crush on for like 7 months got pregnant by someone she wasn't even dating and also showed that she preferred being around actual retards than me even though I treated her better. She was really trashy, but I still liked her a lot and I thought there was like this other side of her to be uncovered.

>>38312536
LMAO IM A NORMIE AND I JUST CAME ON THIS BOARD TO LAUGH AT YOU SO IM GOOD

>>38316655
Stop pushing people away. It makes it really hard for me to be friends with people when they refuse to talk to me about or do more than give one word answers, and I genuinely want to be your friend.

>>38313538
Why couldn't they get in touch with you earlier?
>>38313579
Same DESU. Scared of damnation.
>>38313841
Yes
>>38314143
Psychedelics are great
>>38314258
Being fat sucks iktf
>>38314294
What is fatalistic nihilism? You believe in fate?
>>38315683
I want to say not to let a woman affect you that way, but sadly I think it happens to us all
>>38316024
So what's the alternative,?
>>38316139
Don't worry, she'll get divorced soon enough
>>38316573
I'm trying to pick up smoking. Any tips?

>>38312536
I have a decent job, a gf, my own place, and all the freedom I want. but the only thing that brings me happiness is to stalk an old oneitis from last year who hates my guts and refuses to talk to me...

>>38316702
>I'm trying to pick up smoking. Any tips?
Don't..
However, if you do, and really want to, go buy one from a stranger so you only receive one. Then smoke it, it's a nice experience, but when you're addicted, it's hell on earth. But if you want to continue smoking, then just become a social smoker, which means you only smoke around friends, at bars, ect.
I'm warning you, be very careful.
And overall, its not a good idea to pick up smoking at all.

>>38316573

i know this feel... tried quitting opiates so many times but couldnt due to the anxiety and restlessness. i wanted to jump out of my skin.

>>38316702
>I'm trying to pick up smoking. Any tips?
Memes aside, just vape. You get all the benefits of a nicotine high and studies are showing that nicotine alone isn't the most addicting part of smoking, everything else in tobacco is. Otherwise, don't. You legitimately start smelling bad, your teeth get gross, and your sense of taste enters the shitter.

>>38316751
>>38316782
I just like the smell and the Rush is kinda nice too. Is it true I can use it for weight loss? What about vaping?

Not too bad actually.
>working 60 hours a week, 2 minimum wage jobs
>saving up for a car
>whatever free time i have, I spend fucking around with computer technology or browsing 4chan
>both my jobs are close to my home, so it's not too bad to walk to work

It kind of sucks having 2 jobs but at the same time it's like you're so busy all the time that you don't have any time to think about how much of an asshole you are. It's also nice having the excuse or pardon for everything being able to say, "Oh, I have two jobs, I can/can't do that." It's definitely an ego booster if you're into that. I try to be humble most of the time but it's kind of nice being able to just say, "I have two jobs."

Sometimes I think about just quitting both jobs and becoming a homeless bum and just keeping my laptops with me. I've got 2 thinkpad t400s, a thinkpad x200, and a thinkpad t60p. I'm trying to libreboot one of them but I'm just waiting on parts and shit.

Yeah, I've got nothing to complain about. Yeah, it would be nice to be making more money, but I'm not smart enough, apparently, for a job that pays more.

>>38316834
Same boat as you dude. I gave vaping a try but it just wasn't for me.

>>38313674
Don't worry anon all of that is meaningless considering none of us acually exist. If nothing exists there's nothing to be upset about because even being upset is something that doesn't really exist. There is just no point. No point in anything at all.

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>>38312536
I've currently got my sidearm sitting on my desk, I keep unloading and reloading one of my mags. I've been doing this on and off for almost a year now. I'm not really much of a robot I barely ever post here. But the thoughts have been particularly bad tonight and I wanted somewhere to talk about it.

My plan for the better part of the past two years/career goals seem to be crumbling before my eyes and I don't know what to do. I banked a lot of my money, effort, and sanity on this game working out, and it will probably do okay. But of us two devs I'm the one who lacks control, I don't own the code, I don't have much in terms of legal protection, and I'm growing increasingly distrustful of my "partner". I'm trying to think of a fall back plan, some form of content creation but nothing is coming to me. My thoughts are scattered and I can't formulate a coherent action plan.

Every concept for a youtube channel I had is already being done. I'm not a musician, I'm not an artist, I don't have many professional connections, I don't want to go back to school, and I'm not much of a hands on worker type.

I'm probably older than most of you too as a lot of robots seem to be in their teens (I'm 24, almost 25). I'm still stuck at home literally living in a fucking basement, I have $450 to my name, no car, and everything mentioned above. Combine that with the uncontrollable outside threats I'm constantly aware of thanks to /pol/ and well... this gun is starting to look better and better with each passing day. Doesn't help that I'm pretty certain at this point that God is either dead or doesn't particularly care about any of us.

I don't expect or want sympathy, I just felt the need to vent. This is eating away at my sanity and there's really no one I know among either my friends or family that I want to tell about it. I've played all of this off with confidence and assured everyone I know what I'm doing and it will be fine. That is a lie.

>>38316296
Sorry to hear that anon. Online friends are better able to control what aspects of who they are you do and don't see. It's much harder to hide that shit from an IRL friend.

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>>38315441
The worst is when you finally start to get some inspiration but by that time you're too tired and tell yourself tomorrow only for the cycle to repeat.

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>>38313841
Yep. In order to enjoy most things especially sex and intimacy, I have to constantly remind myself...

>This is a good thing
>This is healthy
>You wanted this
>You will go back to craving this once it's over
>Enjoy it while you have it

I think there's something broken inside of me that works for most other people. I don't know what it is though, and if a heavy medication is required to fix it I may as well just die anyway. What good is a broken machine?

To put this in perspective. I literally had my ideal situation fulfilled and I still felt almost nothing.

>Meet cute trap
>Cute trap plays vidya with me all the time
>Cute trap is super sub
>Cute trap owns own apartment and makes $21 an hour, has great work ethic
>Cute trap wants me to cage and dominate them
>Cute trap likes cosplaying and cooking for me
>Visit cute trap, we hit it off, fuck repeatedly and cuddle
>Go home after 4 days of this
>Feel nothing

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

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>>38312536
its getting harder and harder for me to feel pleasure. all my hobbies no longer bring me the joy they once did and trying new things gives the same results. I have bouts of suicidal thoughts. for days at a time all I think about in my free time is how easy it would be to just end it all right now. but over all i'm just chillin

>>38316296
I feel you man I've had plenty of online friends just randomly ghost me.

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Feeling like shit. I want my old gf back. Too bad it's been over two years, I burned all my bridges, and moved 3000 miles away. Oh well!

>>38317681
You get over it eventually. Pretty soon, you'll become a hardened husk of what you used to be and not feel anything

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>>38317712
Pretty much what this anon said, as you get older you start to lose the ability to give a shit.

>>38313898
Still here anon?
I kinda relate with you, let me tell you something
You can create fake accounts with no real information and make friends on the internet
At least thats what i do also, youll need some information like how to hide IPs or not to give information when become intimal friends...
Its p comfortable say what you think without any moral limit

>got results back for a few subjects I'm taking
>History is a low B, Math A (retard math before actual retard math) is a solid C, Weebspeak is a C-, Chemistry is basically a fucking high D at this point
>graduating later this year, and I'm already contemplating my reasoning for attending school
>want to get into a comfy uni and work towards an Astrophysics degree, but my fucking results are literally rolling my chances up into a little ball, sticking them into my ass, then shitting them out and dunking them in a vat of hydrochloric acid
>if I don't make it into university, then I'll have to join ADFA and hope I can make it as a pilot in the air force, but I'm too tall for my dream aircraft job (fighter pilot), and not many places are accepting commercial pilots, let alone me being able to afford to maintain a plane for personal use.
>don't want to work peasant jobs like construction and retail for the rest of my life
>feel like teachers are working together to bring me down, as my Math teacher treats me like a fucking child ("are you sure you have the answer anon?"), my Chemistry teacher literally spends more time trying to swoon the German and Italian exchange students instead of teaching, and focuses on the girls more than the few males in his class, and my weebspeak teacher called my writing exam child-tier, and harassed me for not bowing properly completely out of the blue (I'm tall, but shy, so I always try to look shorter to blend in more)
>Literally poured my heart and soul into my fucking Chemistry exam (massive EEI and discussion on our experiments that takes up most of the term's credit), and I was graciously rewarded with garbage D's, while the roasties who needed the teacher's help every ficking 5 seconds all scored A's and B's.
>I feel as if I've got some mental disorder, and my education is just flushing down the drain at this point.
There's no future for me. Today was the fucking worst day so far this year, and my education trends are gonna end me.

>>38312536

>Discover women have life on super mega triple ultra easy mode while men suffer

>It's apparently encouraged to laugh at men that apparently experience biological functions (emotions, requirements for sex).

>Entertainment industry indoctrinated me into believing in happy endings, turns out it was shilling

>Fuck this

>Over 4 years self improve

>Also come up with a combo of anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers and a few benzos to reverse the need for sex/gf/relationships

>Feel empty, an intended result, but concerned about lack of future

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>be me
>graduated with a BSc
>didnt get into any grad schools
>applied to 60+ jobs
>no offers
>no money
>no friends
>no gf
>spend half the day sleeping
>go to the gym to take the pain of monotony away
>nothing doing
>doing nothing

it hurts to be a useless bum wandering around the house.

this socalfag needs help

>>38312773
Not him, but the point is not to give OP and (You)'s.

>>38316442
What fycking games do you play ?

>>38319440
>If you don't post >> then you're replying to OP.
>OP can't get (You)s anyway.
Double fail.

>>38316702

>What is fatalistic nihilism? You believe in fate?


It's probably not the correct term to use but essentially I just feel like everything I do to remedy this depression ends up unsatisfying. Nothing I do is extremely fulfilling. My goals in life are really only half-met. Every time I try to achieve something, the end product is really mediocre, even if the idea was ambitious--and I don't have a lot of ambition left in me.

Everything is utterly useless and the worst part of depression as most people know is the inability to WANT anything. The "want" goes away and you just end up feeling numb all the time, like something drained all the charge away from your body.

>>38317184
It's all about perception. It may be meaningless in your eyes but to me, this is the sum of my memories and consciousness. I don't want my entire life to be a bag of ass, I want to enjoy my limited perception

>>38315728
r u fucking me? im stuck too man

>>38318207
I know how to stay anonymous on the internet.
But I don't want internet friendships. They don't work for me. It's never the same, somehow. I gave up on online friends because time after time, it never works out.
I want close friends in real life. Those don't work out either. I just can't ever get past the fear.

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>>38317366
>>38312536

I've gone loner mode, financially dependent on my parents/family, still, though. 22 yrs old and I dropped out of high school because I thought it really didn't matter, any of the stuff I was learning ijn there and I truly wanted to become a sick martial artist... Well that was when I was eighteen and I've just made a huge mess of myself. I thought things would get better, or that I would overcome nihilism, surely find my purpose. But its only gotten harder. Its as if I can't be in the sa!e room with another hu!man being unless they're on the same contemplation level that I am. Its hard to find friends, I can't even regularly talk to many of my family members anymore - I've become very detached from my reality. Its very easy for me to just sentence run like I was doing up there. Its very easy for me to feel like I'm being watched and that people are reading my mind, I feel like people want to eat me because they can smell my anxiety and that they know I'm not normal like them. I don't know, though. I'm living with my alcoholic ex uncle in law so he doesn't have much of a brain left anyway.


I seem to contradict myself all the time; like when I wake up and don't slit my wrists

>>38322118

>>38317625
Would you like someone to talk to about all this stuff?

>>38322247
Talking doesn't even help anymore. It just makes everything more confusing, and burdens others unjustly with my own imagined problems.

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>>38322443
Are you sure? How good are you at describing yourself and the things that stress you out? Are you willing to participate in reality and do you not even wish to have someone to just be there to communicate with about nihilism?

>>38322808
I'm not good at talking at all anymore. I'm never really sure if I'm lying or if I'm telling the truth. I'm never sure if I'm seeing things clearly or darkly. And whenever I think I know what the truth is, it turns out that I wasn't seeing clearly at all.
Sometimes I can have a conversation with somebody and then realize I've completely misrepresented myself. I just can't see clear enough.
I'm willing to participate in reality but I have a hard time figuring out what reality is.

>>38316702
I don't even know tb h they said that they were leaving messages but I didn't get anything.

>>38323527
You and me both. See? How about that clear communication right there, you did great. Well I'll be lurking and I usually appear in nihilism threads.

Good Luck.

Broke up with girlfriend, i love her more than anything but something just felt off and she clearly wanted to break up as well, found out she has blocked me literally everywhere. It has been about a month now, but i still have to force myself not to cry when i think of her. Honestly my life feels weird and incomplete at the moment.