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People of /b/ told me a belong here. So hey guys! Don't worry I'm not as cancerous as 90% of /b/.
Don't really know what I should post so ask someone with Borderline Personality Disorder anything I guess. What's it like in r9k?
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What's /b/ like now? This board is trash, btw. It's just middle-class kids rebelling.
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>>38209087
Fuck off twelvie. Lurk here for a couple years and maybe post when you're at least 18.
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>>38209128
/b/ is sorta really sad now. Just porn everywhere, no original content. You can get the occasional good thread (and my thread too) but it's pretty rare and not worth sifting through terabytes of barely legal porn, hentai and gore.
Are there any features in this board that isn't in /b/? I've been living there my entire life so I dunno about setting names and subjects in threads and stuff.
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>>38209128
Oh lol you were right, >>38209174 is 13 now so he can do what he wants
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>>38209175
Besides the robot, no. If you aren't interested in /pol/shit, porn, or misogyny, there's no real reason to come here. I mean, I come here because there's the rare good thread, and, sometimes, someone will be vulnerable and share their woes, and the woes won't be puerile shit. It's not really worth it, but I have nothing else to do, nor anywhere else to go.
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>>38209194
I'm 20 and I want to kill myself.
Please leave, this board is shit enough without people like you.
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>>38209270
Ah I see, maybe I'll just drop in occasionally to share my own woes but only if they are good enough for sharing. Not much really happens in my life sadly.
>>38209277
>people like you
Did I do something wrong already? Sorry :/ was only trying to make a joke.
I also want to die but my anxiety and phobias stop me from doing so, so I'm stuck in an endless loop. You aren't the only one in a bad position here
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>>38209087
>2017
>still browsing /b/
fucking hell. I quit /b/ 3 years ago at least.
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>>38209349
That's why I wanted to migrate to another board like maybe /r9k/. Only fun thing I find doing on that board is making my own thread and talking to some of the more sane people of /b/ or at least the ones that can relate to me
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>>38209087
Are you a robot? We don't need any more normalfags on here.
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>>38209381
t b h there is nothing much to see here. Basically it s more or less mgtow fedoras, gay fursona faggots, depressed teenagers and autistic mentally disabled anime avatarfagging erpers who jerk themselves off h24.
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>>38209087
>I'm not as cancerous as 90% of /b/.
ahahaahahah
aahahaha
ahAHAhahA
aHAHAHAHAHA
HAHA
>simbly
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>>38209526
You won't like me asking but define robot in this context. I'm far from normal if that helps. A lot of people on /b/ ask me if I'm a robot and they refer me to this board but I'm only just coming along now
>>38209528
Huh, that sounds like /b/
To be clear though I don't want to be an avatarfag, I just don't how how else I can make it so you guys can identify which posts are mine.
>>38209551
Kek
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>>38209613
yeah /r9/k is pretty much /b/ without porn, if you remplace your avarage /b/ user by a tipping fedora version of it.
Also to "be a roboto" you need this checklist :
>no gf
basically that s all
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>>38209658
>yeah /r9/k is pretty much /b/ without porn
Could you direct me to this /r9k/?
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>>38209613
>define robot
Let's see
>tfw no gf
>no friends
>neet
>no motivation
>future is a wall of black fog
>suicidal thoughts
>in the autism spectrum
These are the main characteristics of a robot.
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>>38209658
normal faggot detected, leave now
>>38209087
You seem alright, leave right fucking now normie, this will only lead to you getting worse.
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>>38209658
Well then I am a textbook robot. Feelsbad though, I thought /r9k/ was gunna be better but now I'm only hearing bad things I suppose.
>>38209697
Alrighty
>no gf
Check
>no friends
Semi-check (I have acquaintances that I pretend are friends)
>neet
Check
>no motivation
Needlessly large check
>Non-existant future
I think so
>Suicidal thoughts
Every few days
>autistic
Uncheck although I do have a fidget spinner that was gifted to me
>>38209705
I appreciate your concern, I can't imagine myself getting any worst than I have ever been before so I'm sure I'll be fine. If not then I guess I'll just die
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>>38209705
>normal faggot detected
k m8 give me your best description of "robot" and i ll probably have most of the point on that list.
I just hate people who "identifie as robots", it s just putting a label on your head to get accepted somewhere like
>XDDD I M SO DEPRESSED GUYS I HAVE NO GF AND I AM AUTISTIC I M ONE OF YOURS LOLOLOL
I just hate these people.
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Oh hey BPD anon. Been a bit since I have seen you, I used to comment on your threads when I could find them. They were one of the only reasons to bother with /b/. Welcome to my home board. Not much to really say, we are a lot like /b/, but not a porn dump and with actual discussions.
>>38209175
Yeah, as I said your thread was one of the only good reasons to go there. I was wondering if you would migrate, I thought you already had or had given up like I assume schizanon did.
>>38209381
I for one liked your threads before and am quite happy you are here. Don't mind some of the others, like /b/ you get a lot of idiots that don't really like anything. Your posts fit in more here than anywhere else I am aware of.
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>>38209763
You're okay. Now tell me what's it like to have BPD. I'm really curious about this disorder.
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>>38209763
I have a BPD also and I feel the same way, I have a really warped view on forever.
Sad? Going to feel like this forever.
Hungry? Going to feel like this forever.
Tired? Going to feel like this forever.
Only going to get worse.
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>>38209831
I am >>38209847
it's completely different for everyone with BPD. You develop the disorder at a young age 2-6 years old due to trauma.
Mine being my parents were extremely neglectful and emotionally/physically abusive. I would always be mummy and daddys perfect little girl outside of the house but as soon as we got home they didn't care what happened to me.
It caused me to be insecure my whole life, I don't understand any emotions, I've had to self teach myself love, empathy, sympathy. I get jealous way too easily and my obsessiveness takes over 9 times out of 10.
Feeling more than 1 emotion overwhelms me to the point where I want to kill myself and well, if I feel an emotion I feel like it's going to be forever no matter how much I explain to myself that it's not true.
It's like, constantly having a battle of right and wrong (as far as our views go) in our head. I project massively onto anime characters, I don't watch anime unless I can be like "dis is me" and if the person I'm watching it with doesn't say things like that it's boring, I have no sense of what's real and what's not.
I forget days/hours at a time because I have one little bad experience.
Overall, it's not a good time.
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>>38209816
Haha this brought a smile to my face. Thank you anon, I'm glad you enjoy my threads and it seems like this place may be the place for me.
>>38209831
I'm glad I have your approval :)
The basis of it: Mood swings, overreactions, extreme loneliness, extreme emotions but sometimes extreme emptiness. The disorder has a lot more depth to it though and most Borderlines share a huge amount of symptoms and personality traits with each other I've found.
>>38209847
The key is the hope that you will one day get better. There's no use in believing that there will be no end because one day I believe that you and I both will get better because I know we can. The problem is I have no idea how long that will take. I've thought I've been getting better for 3 months now and not really gotten anywhere, and for some reason my perception of time is very warped too
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>>38209613
>define robot
>no gf
>no friends
>no motivation
>neet or hikkikornori
>still a virgin
>struggles with depression and anxiety
>autisim
That's pretty much basically what a robot is /r9k/ is a board for young men who are social outcast.
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>>38209904
I feel like we were raised the same, however my parents were never abusive. They were always too busy and sorta just left me with video games 90% of the time which has helped me a lot maybe. They never had the time for me and that seems to have made a huge impact on my life strangely. I suffer from the jealousy a lot, my main problems are the loneliness and overreactions to the small things people do. When I get angry I get the worst though, feels like a whole different person takes control of my body.
This might surprise you but I'm the rare male specimen with the disorder. I know the majority of people with BPD are males
I also have an obsession with Yuno. As cringy as it may sound, I've always wanted a yandere, and the fact that she will literally kill for love fascinates me. I wish someone would kill for my love.
>>38209983
Yea I guess I'm a robot then
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>>38210057
Majority of BPD patients are female*** sorry I'm tired
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>>38210057
You will fit right in you seem okay defenitly not a normalfag scum lol.
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>>38209904
Hmm, I see. I can relate to being extremely insecure, obsessive and jealous. I'm very empathetic, though.
>I project massively onto anime characters
I discovered I do the same. I watched anime like NHK and Watamote and I can say they're among my favs, because I can relate to them. I haven't watched Mirai Nikki, should I?
>>38209921
>Mood swings, overreactions, extreme loneliness, extreme emotions but sometimes extreme emptiness
Interesting. Feels kind of close to me, but that might be due to me being a total failure. I'm melancholic or angry all the time, so I wouldn't say that I have mood swings.
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>>38209921
I am glad I could anon. It is very nice to see your posts again. Even if I am terrible at contributions, I suffer from crippling loneliness and enjoy a good person to talk to. The irony is that I am a psychopath who feels he can heavily relate to BPD. How that makes sense is beyond me.
I think a lack of perception of time is normal. Nobody knows what happened yesterday or the day before, we are all just pretending to think we do otherwise.
>>38209904
I don't even like anime, not in the extent that I could say I have a single anime show I like. Yet I come here and obsess over the anime girl images I see. It is nice to see anime girls, to imagine them with all their autism.
Picture related is actually a massive turn-on. I cannot get aroused by normal porn, but this picture is arousing. I am so messed up I have fallen in love with autism. Imagine a girl being so free she can do anything. She can just blow spit bubbles or yell out "Chicken!" and not care what the world says. The concept of someone having that much free will is very appealing. Needless to say, real females don't act like this.
I imagine anime females to be autistic and also have BPD. Imagine the overly clingy nature to the point they will kill whoever else you will talk to and just wants to show you a picture of a banana and be like "BANANA!". That to me is an ideal existence.
The reality of anime is that they are not autistic enough for me. Plus they speak in loud older women Japanese voices and seem to be generally happy. Happiness scares me, too many rainbows and smiles and I get afraid everyone is about to snap and make me lose my own sanity.
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>>38210057
It's the BPD, wanting someone to be yandere over you, having someone by your side 24/7, I would kill for a yandere yuki. My ex used to have to remind me murder was illegal because I'd turn into a ball of murderous rage if girls tried to speak to him.
I got diagnosed (from a professional) a year ago and ever since I've been able to put a name on it I've felt all the things myself.
>feels like a whole different person takes control of my body.
Whenever my mood changes, I feel the snap inside my body/head, it sounds crazy but I'm sure you understand.
I've been told time and time again that there's no "cure" for depression, I once screamed at my therapist to just give me something to turn me into a zombie but, the like you said, the only thing we can do is make slow progress.
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>>38210127
I have so many images of that hat on anime girls because it's 100% me.
BPD is tied in with being socially retarded, not so much autistic, although both may seem the same to normies.
I can't speak to people irl, I stutter, freeze, and I have a tick where I make random cat/puppy noises.
I think I took over the thread a little bit from the OP, sorry about that.
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>>38210143
>>38210127 (you)
This snap is actually how I relate heavily to BPD, in my case it is more of a chill. It is like a meme where I am turning into a werewolf or one of those transformations into Hyde. Only people with BPD seem to understand the female that lives inside of my mind that hates society and wishes to lash out at individuals that I don't understand.
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>>38210101
I can't speak for all people with BPD but I struggle with empathy the most.
I used to tell my ex if I could push a button and 2 million people would die but he would smile for 10 seconds and feel nothing but happiness I would do it.
His response, obviously logical was, he wouldn't do it because the contribution to society through those 2 million people outweighs anything himself or I could do. I still can't fathom it.. I would kill 2 billion people for the person I loved. When you start to learn how normal people think it's scary.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
Normally if you have 5 or more of the 9 symptoms (I think this is the website if I remember correctly) then you have a high chance of having BPD.
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>>38210186
If I remember OP, I think he doesn't mind, though I don't want to put words in his mouth.
I can speak to people IRL as a defense mechanism. I can say what they want me to say, but it is like I am an outsider watching everyone with a tiny photo lens. I have no idea what people are talking about.
I once tried explaining to someone that living my life is like being in a marketplace where for some reason everyone is selling cat to eat and is offended that I don't taste the food before paying.
If left to my own devices I am even worse. I have been recorded by my own father because he thought I was being so autistic. I get an overwhelming urge to do things, to do anything, and for this thing to not be conventional. The problem is that I am powerless in society and feel like I get punished actively for doing my own thing. I yell "Chicken chicken rooster. I be the rooster!" and everyone snaps at me. I get suspended from work or get my family to stop caring about me. I just want freedom to be an autist in a place that will accept me.
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>>38210088
Yey
>>38210101
Insecurity is something I used to suffer from a lot, although not much anymore. Obsessiveness and jealousy is still very much present. I can very much relate to Watamote and HNK is part of my list of things to watch. I recommend you do watch Mirai Nikki, it's one of my favorites of all time.
>>38210127
I've always found myself relating to sociopaths and psychopaths although I don't want to be classified as being one.
>>38210143
I'd also kill for a Yuno, or rather a perfect life where I could just run away and do whatever I want freely with a Yuno.
I do very much recognize the snap, I use the exact term a lot when I try to tell my "friends" about the disorder. When the snap happens it's weird, I know it's happening yet I have no control because my mind feels it's just right. I get a burst of adrenaline and I'm forced to do something about it, usually by starting an argument or fight or just hurting someone who has hurt me even the slightest in the past. I hate it because it's not who I am but it has become a part of me.
>>38210186
It's all good anon, this is really just a discussion thread or something. And I can certainly say, BPD gives me a lot of social retardation at times.
>>38210237
I'm not so bad with empathy, but I can sometimes not realize the effect I'm having on others by rushing to the side of just one person.
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>>38210237
You are scaring me anon. This is literally why I have been deemed a psychopath. I could care less about you if you aren't on the totem pole. If you are, I will do anything for you to the point of them being scared of me. I have had many on the totem pole assume I was in love with them. The scary thing is that I have never been in love... I am afraid of how bad I would be in a relationship because how bad I am if you are my BFF.
I would shoot a baby for a million dollars without missing a beat. I would gladly, if no laws were in place, rape my own daughter. But for my BFF I am obsessed to the point I will do literally anything for them, I just want their happiness, and I never feel I can offer enough. Often I seek to try to get them to hate me because I know through leaving me they can find someone better to like them and thus achieve more happiness.
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>>38210264
I think that sounds more like Aspergers or Autism, my brother has extreme Autism and he has a habit of yelling random things and/or moving body parts, (example, he flaps his arms when he's excited) I could be wrong though.
I've never seen a problem with it, I think it's adorable when other people do it, but I think it's weird as hell when I do it.
I have ticks of meowing like a cat, or when I'm excited I'll make puppy noises, I also spend more time in the shower thinking about fantasy worlds and I only eat food when I can imagine I'm like a god eating at a restaurant full of pandas serving me (like in WoW)
Makes me think maybe I have mild autism underneath my BPD lol but I haven't been diagnosed or asked. Most of my behaviour is explained due to my lack of childhood.
How was your childhood?
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>>38210301
They're called FP in BPD terms (Favourite person; not necessarily romantic but someone we have intense care for) we would do anything for our FP and killing other people isn't out of the question (depending on how extreme your BPD is)
Did you visit the website? How was your childhood? Have you been to a therapist/doctor?
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I feel like I've snapped to my true self or rather what I usually believe is my negative self
>>38210264
I basically feed people all the garbage they want to hear to fit in. I'm very good at manipulating people to believe I'm just like them. When I'm with closer friends I do end up acting like a complete autist, but that's usually to try make others laugh and because I need to let all my internal energy out somehow.
>>38210301
Now that I think about it, I was the same with my favorite person, I would do literally anything in the world for her. But then she ditched me for her bf and now I feel lonelier than I ever had before. I find myself trying to get them to break up at times just so she will pay attention to me again and her relationship really is nearing the end now by the looks of things so I'm getting quite excited
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>>38210287
I don't watch anime but need an identity or nobody will know it is me. Any ideas?
>Insecurity
I live in insecurity. Everything in my life comes back to it. I believe I have some of the worst pessimism out there, a lot of which is directed at myself. I see zero redemption in myself.
>Relating to psychopaths
I have no idea what I am anon. I have been called a psycho. I have assumed I had something like BPD. I assumed I might be retarded. I assumed I might have autism.
I worry I have a severe case of OCD. My life revolves around collecting things. I am very possessive to the point I want to have things. Note when I have them they have little interest to me, I just like the idea of getting them. I will load up websites with the goal of collecting every image on them. I will play games and save screenshots of every enemy I see to document them. I will play Second Life and collect every outfit I can just to say I have them. I will play Minecraft and obsess over just mining Diamonds due to them being rare and thus all I want to do. My favorite games are those where I can steal everything not nailed to the floor. I heavily enjoyed Morrowind for this, but was bothered when I would sell things and get in trouble as it felt like it was punishing me. My favorite titles are the Thief series. Of course I can barely play any of these as I focus instead on collecting knowledge of every game I feel is important by following a list of influences to the point I shitpost on 4chan to avoid playing games. I loved collecting action figures, my family never gave me an allowance luckily so I could not get too obsessive. Now I work to collect computer parts to say I have the most powerful computer to play Amiga games I loathe but play to eventually play stuff I like again.
>Empathy
I am terrible at this as I just want to do what I want without offending others. Of course, I don't know what I want, I seem to just make myself miserable with my OCD.
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>>38210237
I can relate to 6 of the symptoms. Although I'm not self-destructive and my mood is constantly down (might be due to depression).
>>38210287
>I recommend you do watch Mirai Nikki
Sounds like a relatable anime, will do, thanks.
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>>38210336
See, I am able to cope with society enough to know X is not acceptable, at least as long as I am not caught up in having fun. Once I start the train, it is hard to stop, and if I see no risk I will do it. Sadly too often I feel the risk is greater than the reward, so I live in depression a lot due to feeling limited in what I can do. It is like I am a self-aware autist who wants to be autistic and yet is forced by society to be normal.
I annoy people with my autism as people will start talking to each other and then ask me a question. Usually I will respond with "hi" at which time they will believe I wasn't paying attention and get offended. The truth of the matter is that I knew there was a conversation and tried to pay attention, I just couldn't understand much and the words they said got me off on a tangent. They say the word trip (say we are going to take a trip to see the building down the street), I get on some imaginary thought process of traveling to Africa and not being eaten by hyenas. Then when they ask my opinion and press it, because I am somewhat aware that they probably didn't mention hyenas, I freak out and start telling them that I don't want to get Malaria. It is only after I have gotten away from everyone but one person, then have that person send me an IM explaining what they were talking about, that I get what they were saying. Everyone thinks I am trolling them though to the point nobody really wishes to bother doing this anymore.
I love to live in my head. It is better than reality and doesn't have the consequences of it. I love to space out when I cannot collect things. I haven't eaten dinner for the last few nights, been forgetting as I have been thinking about random thoughts that nobody really would understand nor really have a point. Now I feel hungry.
My childhood is hard to talk about. I was "abused" according to people here though I don't see it myself. This sets people off.
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>>38210436
I'm starting to remember you more now, I certainly recognize you from your style of writing. For identity you strike me as L from death note (no offense if you were hoping for someone in the super hot department)
I guess when you put it that way, I do suffer from a lot of insecurity still. I truly hate myself and I show that through self deprecating humor (which realistically is the truth and not really humor)
Interesting writing about OCD, do you feel something bad will happen if you don't do these things. Are you able to just stop doing these things?
Can relate here with that empathy mindset, don't want to offend others but I wanna just do what I want. I find myself doing everything in my power to please my favorite person only in the hopes that they will return the favor
Spoiler alert: They never do
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>>38210390
Exactly anon. I put someone on a literal totem pole. I will write poems for them. I will draw pictures for them. I will praise them constantly. I will emote hugging them. I will think about them constantly. Note all of this is online due to the fact that I would want to hug and giggle uncontrollably in reality. I have an obsession with acting extra autistic with my FP.
I feel empty anon, like I am extremely lonely most of the time. I have worried about my ridiculous mood swings, my family knows they can distract me and I will forget about my greatest miseries. The abandonment is why I have trust issues. I am heavily unstable but also quite passionate. I change my perspective of people quite quickly and try to fight it to stay a certain way. Frantic gestures sounds like they are literally saying when insecure I act like an autist, which fits me more than anything else.
I don't do things too dangerous to myself, I am aware of risk and know to avert it. I also avert self-harm for similar reasons, plus have a severe fear of death due to having an obsession with being in control of myself and feeling like I have so little to begin with to the point I fear losing any more. This is also why I don't do drugs.
My childhood is very confusing to write about. It feels like things were unstable while being relatively stable. It is hard to explain without long posts just dedicated to it.
I avoid therapy/doctors. My family wants me to just be normal, so I fear letting them down. I also grew up with my parents telling me anything I did wrong would result in me being locked up for being retarded to the point that, regardless of all knowledge to the contrary, I fear it happening. I fear being given pills that make me lose control. I fear it being a waste of money and time in a life where I only have so much. Imagine going to a therapist and finding out you are sane, now I just wasted a lot of money for nothing.
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>>38210577
It explains your innocent soul and desire to daydream a lot, you were never given the opportunity as a child.
Daydreaming is the best, I always pick characters from games, especially animals like druids from WoW and pretend I'm the god of druids and whenever I eat I pretend I'm eating at some fancy Panda restaurant and they are offering me free food because I'm a God. Everything is made better when you can daydream with it.
I would love to hear more stories if you want to talk about them. I love hearing about peoples daydreams and fantasies in their head.
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I'm gunna head to bed. I feel I'm in a pain greater than what's curable with a friendly post. Hopefully sleeping will kill the emotion. If the thread happens to be alive tomorrow when I wake up I may come back. Judging from what I've seen, threads can last a fair bit of time on this board compared to /b/. Have a great day I guess everyone ._.
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>>38210395
I am glad you still have control in your negative self. Me, it is more like I am a prisoner inside myself. Imagine someone yelling "No stupid, stop, you are hurting your FP!" while your negative side seeks to lash out at them, perhaps in jealousy or spite for having liked the other half of who you are, meaning any FP is at risk of being a target by the negative half.
Do you guys have a problem with mirrors too? I can't look at one without getting chills and starting to laugh about something I know nothing about. It scares me. What is she planning? I am scared for my FP and this makes me want to hold them even closer but also try to push them further away even more.
>>38210395
I don't try to manipulate, I try to be true to myself. The problem is that I have a magnetic personality to the point everyone seems to like me. They find my quirks charming and absolutely everyone wants me around them to the point I can embrace them with my BPD, usually the one with the most attention becomes my FP to the expense of others, and FP can shift as one grows disinterested in me and another shows me attention. I am very bad at making my FP known to all. I am the type that will talk about my FP constantly to all non-FPs to the point they get sick of it. Eventually though my autism weighs out and everyone can't stand me. All that love turns to hate, everyone finds me public enemy #1, and that pretty much is the case until I find some new clique to be around. This has been my situation as far back as elementary and is still continuing online years after high school ended.
See my problem with acting like an autist is simply because I worry that if I am quiet they will forget I exist. I also need constant attention, even negative attention. The problem is that I have zero idea how to continue a conversation after we have gotten to know each other. So once I know you, I change from someone to converse with to someone who will be a major autist around you.
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>not as cancerous as 90% of /b/
>is avatarfagging
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>>38210727
I'd say you have quite a lot of signs of BPD, especially if during your childhood you were threatened to be locked up if you were to do something wrong. No child should fear mistakes or imperfection (ugh.. I still hate saying that word and the word 'flaws' if I can't be perfect or do something perfectly it's not worth doing)
I also had the same fear when it came to therapists/doctors, you feel like they're going to change your whole being, that the drugs they give you are going to make you a zombie.
I still feel like this, but mine steams from getting the diagnoses and then believing they wanted to change everything about me, I used to cling to my illness that I felt anyone who tried to tell me to do something different was wrong, no matter how true what they said was.
I would react the same way if I had of met my ex FP irl, I feel I would of just constantly wanted our skin to touch, for me to know where he was at all times so we could be in the same room.
It's hell, and I know it's scary but getting help may be the only option. Especially if you are unhappy with the way things are. It's the last thing I ever wanted to hear, my ex FP kept telling me to go and I wanted to rip his face off because I thought he was trying to change me because I wasn't already perfect enough but, learning about certain things I can say I've changed a little bit and it's for the better, you learn how to control things better.
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>>38210848
I hope you feel better soon anon. <3
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>>38210858
Sometimes I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to punch the mirror, so it's like I'm punching myself in the face.
I hardly have control over my negative self once it's kicked in, like now for example. I only have the slightest idea why now I randomly feel jealous and angry while at the same time I feel so god damn sad and alone. Anyway, I think I might disappear now.
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>>38210858
When I look in the mirror I don't even register it's me, I think "oh another person."
Depending on my mood, depends on the "character" I am and that's how I will think I look. My impulse control is crazy bad, I dyed my hair pink to look like Yuno.
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>>38210395
I get ridiculously jealous if you are my FP. If you talk to someone else, I feel you aren't paying attention to me, so I start feeling like they think I matter less and start asking them more and more if I actually am worth anything. I get more insecure, demand reaffirmations, and have to have several hour long talks just to get back to where we were. I have said several times I can't be with a normal female because she would have a phone, which means she could talk or even worse text on it. People on phones trigger me to no end, I feel once you do that you have forgotten I exist. My parents would do that any time I wanted to spend time with them, we would watch a movie and they would text on their phone. Needless to say, I cannot have a GF as none would wish to devote themselves to the point that they would never touch their phone around me and instead live their life to focus entirely on my happiness. I want them to know what to say to me and say things constantly. I want them to prove I matter to them constantly. I want them to make a shrine for me.
>>38210617
I am remembered! That makes me feel good anon, it is nice to feel like I matter.
I am not attractive anon, so no offense taken. I am a fat loser who looks like Abraham Lincoln and talks like Woody Allen whilst being as autistic as Chris Farley in Tommy Boy.
I can stop playing Minecraft, in fact I have as I saw a tutorial for it where a guy was using a Dead Space skin and thus feel I need to play that first. I just need to play System Shock first, which requires playing Ultima Underworld, which requires me picking up where I left off with DnD in 1980 or 1981 on an issue of The Dragon with a list of games I realized would take me a long time to beat and thus spent me down a spiral of depression. I can force myself to play a game not on my OCD path, like I could force myself to try to play Thief 2 again to actually try and enjoy it, but I would break down mentally.
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>>38210944
Thank you, this alone makes me feel quite better for some reason <3 But I need to be getting to bed I think, even though I hate sleep
But before I go, I'm looking for a new FP. If anyone is interested in talking to me outside of /r9k/, my steam is Psychic Baby, my discord is #0283 (probably changing my name frequently on it) and my kik is hypershadic21. I'm always happy to talk to new friends and I neeeeed a new FP. Anyway I best be going, buh-bye
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>>38210880
This.
Avatarfagging is bannable. Don't overdo it, lads.
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>>38211053
I think I added you on Steam, since your Discord came up wrong. There's multiple Psychic Baby though.
I'm without an FP right now as well, it feels so lonely.
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>>38211053
You have to include the name for discord, otherwise it won't work.
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>>38211124
My discord right now is Gay Crystal Dude as an inside joke between friends, and I'm the Psychic baby with the badly drawn dragon
>>38211148
Ah I see, well the name is ^^^ although I will probably change it back to psychic bear soon or tomorrow. I always end up sharing my Discord wrong somehow
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>>38210617
I would love to play Thief 2 again, I break down already from not playing it, but to play it again would feel like I cheated and that "nothing can ever be reverted". I would feel like I ruined everything and that there is no point to what I am doing. I would hate Thief 2, not see why I even liked playing the game, and give up due to having cheated. Then I would spend some time trying to calm down before settling into some other strain. I have a rather weird form of OCD, I guess that is why they call it an illness, and I have all these exceptions that don't make sense to anyone but myself and yet are entirely important distinctions to myself. So bad things do happen mentally to the point I cannot stop anon. I have asked for help on 7Cups, they pretty much said "Oh, I am sorry, but I can't help you and now I feel bad". That has since been a pattern to everyone I have told it to. Nobody has a way to break it or just says "stop playing games you hate" because it is so easy for them. It should be easy... it is just entertainment... I should be happy and I don't deserve to torture myself for something that I only have a limited time to play anyway. Yet regardless of all of this, I cannot choose pleasure over pain.
I am the type that is extremely stingy on their money except for their best friend who they will pull out their checkbook to spend money on things they didn't even request but you felt would better them. Then they never use it and you feel betrayed. With most, I don't really want to hurt others, I don't go out of my way to hurt babies or rape women. I would just do such if that is what would make me happy at the moment. I get urges to do odd things that people freak out at. I REALLY get into my music to the point I scare those around me as I start chewing my arm off and jumping up and down in my seat to the point it nearly breaks. Give me a virtual sandbox, I will annoy everyone else with my "trollish" efforts to spam little tiny people.
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>>38210753
Well, I was able to play video games as a child anon. My family was more the type to tell me to do a chore every half an hour that I did not know I had to do prior. This was upsetting for me as I like structure so as to be able to run away with my thoughts. I want hours of nothing but the ability to be creative, if I am interrupted it is like the thought was no longer worth the effort. I like creating music, but every time I do someone is either complaining about the noise or calling me up to make sure I am okay, so I get demotivated.
I daydream nonstop. Think of it this way, I am essentially living in two world at once with an awareness of which is real, but can vividly see both. Right now I see one of those Chinese cat clocks flying across the screen as a little old hermit hunches over some papers and counts them out in twenties. The room seems relatively well lit, but there doesn't seem to be many light sources. It is more concrete than anything, with little existing but the papers and the man. Plus the non-tangible cat clock which seems to be grinning now, I don't remember that before. Its eyes seem to be rolling back into its head. Now I seem to be seeing a grinning face in a black void. Suddenly it pans to some fireworks or something you light a fuse with, it is hard to tell due to being too dark, but it is hissing. Now the clock again, but now it is saying "Meow, Meow" in a robotic deep voice. The face again, now laughing as it spins backwards like it is being flushed down a toilet. A random chair. It flickers, now there is some depressed dark haired girl in the chair. WTF is this, The Ring? She got out of the chair, now her face is entirely covering the screen. She has reptile skin, but it is blue. She is speaking, but I can't get a word she is saying, it is all coming out like hissing. The man in the room just counted to fourty, how could he only have counted two papers in all this time? Meow meow. Hahahaha. Hiss. "I'm a carrot!" a carrot says.
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>>38209087
You seem cute. Let me fuck your prime teenage boipuccy.
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>>38211388
Aw that sounds like such a great world to live in Anon.
I'm going to bed also, it's 1:30am in aus, but if anyone with BPD, or questions wants to talk some more. Discord - chloe#6575
Would love to hear more about your daydreams.
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>>38210848
I doubt it will last that long anon... but take care regardless.
>>38210927
Indeed anon, this was a great fear of mine. Not so much if I was wrong, but if I was retarded. To this day, I still don't know if I am just luckily evading being locked up. I try to avoid saying I have something, especially without a diagnosis, due to knowing it is a meme and how wrong I could be. Plus the fact I am clingy to titles and love them. I know horoscopes are fake and yet will gladly waste a lot of time on them to cling to something.
If I have BPD, it defines me. I can change myself in a way to make it more positive, but I am not being changed by drugs or some therapist set up by some government to possibly mind control me and get me in line with the hoards. I can't trust them to not try to control my mind and take my money.
When I was younger, I once had a FP that would be the only person invited over. I emotionally started breaking off from him when I was told it wasn't socially acceptable to hug another male. This is one of the many reasons I actually RP as a female in certain places, I can actually give hugs there without people being like "that is gay" and being mad. I just want to hug, a genuine hug where we touch each other and feel our bodies seep into each other. I can't get that in RL as males feel it is gay and women don't want to hug their non-BF.
See, the thing about getting help is that I still believe I can find the answer online. That someone will have the wisdom to say what I need to do, the magical cure that will make my OCD stop so I can enjoy things. My family is the type that believes such an act is weak and I am afraid of them judging me wrongly.
>>38210948
I punched a mirror once when I was a kid. Not really sure why, I think I just wanted to know I had the capability to punch a mirror. It shattered and I was yelled at for nearly getting hurt. I somehow avoided getting glass in me.
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>>38210948
My negative side is quite different from me. I speak usually only when spoken to as opposed to being autistic. I rather be left alone or hurt others than be lonely. I hate the human form, I hate everything in it. I view things almost objectively though, cold and hateful, but also apathetic. It is more that I will do what I do as me, but not care that I am hurting the FP. They will be like "Hey there, how are you?" and I will respond with some cold and calculated response that hurts them. She knows how to hurt. She knows weaknesses well. I am weak myself, she feels everyone else is weak. I am self-loathing, she has an ego and yet dislikes herself for being a human. She is disgusted to be trapped with me. I have yet to meet a person that could handle the negative side of me, the best I have gotten is a FP that can accept me back after it is over.
>>38211030
If it isn't the smirk, I am apathetic to mirrors, I know I look hideous and don't need to look at myself to confirm it.
I always look the same. I just have a negative personality that has a name, an identity, and who I sexually RP online due to being hypersexual as well. Then she comes online and is repulsed by what I have done with her, she is calculating and asexual, and she loves to get even.
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Stop avatar fagging weeaboo
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>>38211053
I have a FP right now, been with a community on Second Life for a short time now that accepts me. I have found a rare type that seems to accept me entirely, but it is still hard to believe they won't leave like the others. I am obsessed with them and devote my time to them nightly now. I will say though that oddly enough I have a near-second FP, though this one I am also distrustful and mostly communicate through cold logic.
>>38211124
I hope you two enjoy each other's company. I will be around regardless due to being lonely during my days. My FP has a rather busy schedule to the point I am amazed they are able to devote their night as much as they do to me. I am thankful they can be around the hours they are. My FP works 10 hour days, lifts heavy boxes, and exercises a lot. It is amazing how much she does in a single day. She is a walking god.
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>>38211505
I love it, my imagination is one of the few things I like about myself. It does alienate me from the less accepting types and those that can't stand weird thoughts. When you need someone around you every waking moment, that can be depressing.
Have a good night aussie BPD anons. I will look for you all again. I am glad you are here BPD anon, /b/ is hard to check due to how fast things change and all the porn.
I gladly can share anon. I love being creative. It defines who I am, a creative individual too overwhelming for most.
Anyway, good night!
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