Lonely feels

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>>37977766
I want to get into the nightwalk scene lads, where do I begin?

>>37977844
bring cigarettes, wear black clothes and listen to some music on your phone

I want to start taking walks, but I wouldn't know where to go or when to come back. Any advice?

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>>37977766
Hi anon, I'm here now. How's it going

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>>37977908
I just walk anywhere honestly. As soon as it gets dark I just put on a hoodie, get some headphones, and start walking. Maybe some cigarettes if theyre available. I like walking by roads or highways because I like seeing the lights pass by

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>>37977878
Should I bring a snack? Are headphones a good idea, what if I get jumped?
Is it ok to look in peoples windows if I see a light on?

I don't have a night walk bro, but I have a night drive bro.

It's like hanging out on a couch except you're going really fast and looking at scenery and shit.

>>37977926
Hey man. Going bad. Texing her rn and my heart is beating fast and I'm feeling sad and my mind is a mess and I'm all over the place and irritable but helplessly looking for affection and love which I'll never get and I'm kind of panicking and am doing things I feel like I'm gonna regret but I'm just gonna keep on doing them and see where that takes me

>>37977949
I might get mugged if anyone sees me with my headphones. I guess I'll only smoke some cigs while walking
>3rd world problems

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>>37977953
I don't use headphones, you can just play music through your phone if there's nobody around (or if there are and you're autistic enough).

Of course you can look through people's windows! If they don't have the blinds shut that means they want you to look in and see how they're doing :]. I usually just stop at an angle and look through nonchalantly. If they happen to see you, just smile and wave. You're a friendly neighbor just checking in!

>>37978021
Sorry I really need to vent a lot today I'm very emotional at the momment

>>37978021
First step is try to calm down. Trust me, I know it's hard when you're in that state but you've got to try and breathe and slow down or you're mind is gonna race even faster and you're gonna make a dumb decision.
>affection and love which i'll never get
Do you mean specifically from her? If it's hurting you this bad everyday and she's ignoring you like this then maybe you're right about cutting contact. Sometimes no matter how hard you scream certain people won't listen. I've given up trying to tell that one friend my problems because she just won't listen anymore. Normies don't really seem to respond in the correct way any how. I feel the exact same way. But I care about your situation anon, you don't need to feel alone or that nobody cares. What decision do you feel like you're going to regret?

>>37978154
It's ok, that's what I'm here for

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>>37978149
thanks fren
there is a cute girl who lives a few doors down will try a nightwalk and go up her lawn and see what she does at night
good advice

>>37978022
I carry mace, it's safer that way

>>37978224
Carry a mace instead.

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>>37978264
I should probably carry that with me too at this point

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>>37977844
>comfy all black clothes for extra low profile
>cigarettes are a must because shit's relaxing and hearing the paper crack when its quiet is divine
>id card just in case
>a drink or some shit if you feel like it

I personally don't like listening to music because it's way comfier to listen to the sounds around you and hear your footsteps, clear your mind a little
have fun anon once you take the nightwalk redpill there's no going back

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>being alone is sometimes bothersome
>being with others is a huge pain in ass no matter what

I'm gonna die alone, it's a truth that keep haunting me. Dating feels nothing short of impossible to me and I just got used to live alone.

>>37978021
Are you still in the thread anon?

>>37978184
Yes I mean spesifically by her. I've been throwing myself at her lately and she just isn't there for me. I can't cut contact anon. I've tried ghosting her before and failed every time. I've just invested too much at this point.

I can't make any rash decision as much as I want to because she's in the US so communication is via phone. Just got off of FaceTime with her, she said she's going to drop off some presents for a friend and call me back in an hour or something. I sent her this last night

>I'm not sure why I'm even trying to talk to you. You just get my hopes up and then ditch me and that makes me feel way worse and it's better not to talk at all just like no relationship at all is better than an unfulfilling one full of uncertainty. I understand the guest situation but even when you are available nothing you've said at all makes me feel better and you can't even lead or keep a conversation! The one time I actually act out and need something it's denied to me! I just keep my phone close to me just waiting for the only person I care about only to get a stupid and meaningless occasional exchange of words with them. Hope you have a nice night.

And then in the morning after she showed me some attention I immediately felt different about her.

I feel a bit better now. Just took a pill. I also follow her on a social media thing without her knowing on a fake account and get worked up when I see her online and see she hasn't replied to me yet.
I'm sorry this is very one sided anon and I really appreciate you caring!
Just took much stuff bottled up and I was getting angry with her over FaceTime and good thing she had to go before I said something I'd regret

>>37978654
Yes. I'll be replying faster now, she had called me, that's why I was away.

If you have nothing better to do I can dump some texts to get feedback on

>>37978184
>I've given up trying to tell that one friend my problems because she just won't listen anymore
Things went well yesterday, that's the impression I was left with. Did anything change or are you just thinking and reflecting?

>>37978731
No problem I understand.
I know it's hard cutting contact but it seems that this is really hurting you. Is it really worth feeling this unloved and worthless just to stay in the relationship? You said you keep throwing yourself at her for nothing, and if thats the reality of it then that's not healthy at all. I'm suprised she hasn't taken any action or anything. You were pretty straight forward in what you sent her the night before. I don't want to sound hurtful but she doesn't really seem to care.
>i have a fake account on social media
You remind me way too much of myself anon, I have the exact same thing and always get myself into angry/depressed fits from seeing all her posts about her parties and friends and shit

>before i would say something I regret
What would you say that would make you feel regret at this point?

>>37978813
I think I'm just reflecting. We've had some meaningless contact since then but I know how things will play out. I know she's going to be too busy partying and being with her social friends to care as much anymore, and I guess I just accept that despite how much it hurts. I think I'm starting to go numb. Ironically I remember thinking she was the one person I would never go numb to

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>>37978756
You can dump the texts if you want, I have time

>>37978756
Let's see some screenshots, f a m

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This thread seems so comfy.
Kinda like "feels" one but less people and mocking

>>37978918
>and if thats the reality of it
That's the problem. i don't know what the reality of the situation is and if part of it is just my negative expectations and thoughts. I feel like there might be negative bias as I'm venting out the situation.
After my text she sent this which I translated roughly into English -
>Aha. Ok. I woke up at 8 and I saw your long message. I agree with it but am still offended you think like this. As an overall conversation - I did see that issue too. Not sure what to say on this one though.
What is that even supposed to mean?Stupid response on her part.

>what would you say that would make you feel regret at this point?
Just me being a shut it and sharing so much with her. Just the sharing of all these emotions and her seeing me like this. I've been very collected up until last week with her.
Speaking of shut in she said in our conversation today how she goes into herself when she has a problem and how I got to other people and that just really got to me so much.
That's so wrong, and for her to be so ignorant just amuses me. Only people I might go to is anons online to vent cause no consequence of that. No one irl though. REEE

Ever been invited to a party? Would you consider going?

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>>37978952
Sometimes it seems we let our negative
expectations and thought influence us too much, and the reality might not be that bad. Give it a chance, you have a restaurant meeting with her later in the week, see how that goes and if she seems to show interest and care.

Pic related is convo after I confronted her lack in initiative. Not sure how to feel or what to think from the response at all.
Was a few days ago. 2 more parts

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Part 2 which is origional

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Last part 3.

>>37979337
That's a really obnoxious text that she sent. Anyone who sends a few sentences in response to a full paragraph is kind of a jerk, espeically since it's an emotional conversation too. The fact that she's the one who is offended is pretty wrong, it's kind of like she's putting her emotions above your's even though you're the one that needs help. I don't even know how I would respond to that message, it just seems kind of cold and brusque.

I honestly think you need to be totally open at this point, for better or for worse. Maybe you do need to share all those emotions and show yourself at that weak point. That's how you know if someone truly cares. If she can't handle that then she's unhealthy for you.
>i go to myself and you go to others to vent
That's a really cold remark. I don't think she understands the gravity of your emotions. I have this problem too with normies. I don't think she truly understands how this is hurting you

And yeah I've been to a few parties with friends. I don't really like them, I get sensory overloard very easily. I told you how there was a lot of screaming around me growing up, and now I have trouble being around loud noises. I'll be fine for the first twenty minute and then it goes downhill. I just can't relate to that level of happiness, even if it's just a drunken stupor. Sometimes I'll go if I know I can get drugs out of it. I guess I just get jealous seeing her out with friends and doing things that I have trouble getting any joy out of

>>37979488
Is this her texting you in response? She seems really homesick if that's the case. I'm not really sure how what she's saying ties into the problem. She seems to be making it more about herself than anything. Is she even happy in the US?

>>37979684
Yes, her response after inquired about me always making the move and showing initiative. What I got out of it was I need to give her the space and chance to give initiative for the relationship? But I feel like she's had plenty of opportunity. She seems relatively happy but dosnt have manny friends which is even the more reason to be with me but she's not. Has told me on a few occasions how happy she was back in Russia and open there but became reserved when she came here.

I'm really appreciating your time and feedback anon. Means a lot to me. Phone posting so working on your previous response. Everyone's asleep in the house but I might try to get to laptop.

>>37979798
Her response after I* inquired**

>>37979798
She may have a few problems of her own desu. It seems that she REALLY misses Russia. She keeps talking about longing for it and such. If she doesn't have many friends, but she's not like a robot, than she may just be unhappy here in general. It's weird that she's still so distant even though she doesn't have many friends. I agree with you that it does seem like she's pulling one of those "oh I just need my space: cards. How long ago did she come here? Was she forced to?

>>37979924
And no problem about me answering you. I like talking to you anyway

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>tfw "too young" for a relationship

i realised that i'm 20 years old and the easiest time to make friends and have genuine and stupid relationships is behind me. my life has passed by in an instant and all ive done in the mean time is move my desk and upgrade my computer. i wish i was a normie.

>>37979581
> I honestly think you need to be totally open at this point, for better or for worse.
I'm thinking the same. I'll give it a few more days of me sharing and crying out to her and see how she responds. Then I'll have to make some decisions on what to do. Try to cut contact. Might break up
>implying there was anything in the first place
might just carry on being open and collecting more data
or just might carry on and keep it formal.
>share all those emotions and show yourself at a weak point.
I like this. Makes sense to me and also in terms of testing her. How long is enough for me to continue to act like I am, in terms of timeframe?

>I get sensory overloaded very easily
Do you mean like it takes you awhile to adopt to the setting? Or it's all too much?
I've never been to a party but if I go to a concert or a public event or even just in a crowded public place I kinda panic and feel the need to take it all in and end up just walking around cautiousy and staring at people's faces and just takes me a while to adapt as people make me nervous and so do overcrowded conditions.
>drugs
What type of stuff do you like?

I feel your feel when it comes to others having a blast and being happy and us not and also us not fitting in. There's always this gap. Anon again I gotta say I'm happy I can talk to you and happy I've found someone similar minded to me.

>>37979924
>how long did she come here, was she forced to?
I'm not sure exactly. She's been here for a few years though. She came with her direct family so I guess she was forced to.
She seems relatively happyish, definitely not depressed and for sure no robot. She still has fun and goes out and dosnt complain much. Not sure about problems she may have, she claims she dosnt have anything maijor to open up to.
Speaking of opening up she claims she's told me way more than she's ever told others. But what bothers me is she has this notebook thing that she keeps her thoughts in and I've asked to take a look but she refuses. The reason it really gets to me is because I've told her and have been putting myself out there with her, especially as of late and have told her I'm willing to let her in on everything but her not willing to let me in (considering the notebook) is a letdown and saddens me.

>>37980125
I'm telling you, it's better to get it all out at this point. It's easier, and probably less mentally damaging, to do that then to let this drag on. It's important for her to see you at such a weak state. If she can't handle it that, then it probably won't work out long term. I'm not too sure about how long honestly. I would go on for as long as you need to get all those emotions and feelings out. But I would do it all in one go. I wouldn't break down for a day, be fine the next, and then break down two days later. I would have a solid block period of just letting everything come out and see how it goes. It may even be therapuetic for you to get that shit out

>sensory overload
It's pretty similar to what you were describing. For me, I just get overwhelmed by loud noises, loud voices, laughter, glasses hitting eachother, etc. I feel like everything is closing in around me and I start to get very nervous or the urge to cry uncontrollably (which is a part of being bipolar). I end up sitting by myself in a bathroom for half the events. Even at resturaunts I have trouble from hearing silverware and sharp, quick sounds like that, I've broken my nails from holding on to the seats so hard. It's like a less extreme form of a panic attack.

>drugs
I mainly do drugs with that one friend. We mostly just do acid, shrooms, pot, etc. When I'm alone at home sometimes I take oxy. I have a hate/love relationship with drugs. They fuck with my medication sometimes but they also take me away from my current state

It's really great knowing you can relate. It's hard finding other people who have that emotional "gap" in real life

>>37980277
That's really odd that she's normal but is that "off". I think this may boil down to her missing her home, even if it's an unconcious thought. She may seem fine on the outside but that may just be repressed feeling she has. I don't know how I feel about the whole notebook thing. I can understand wanting privacy, but if she trust you that much then she should be ok with that. It's weird that she says she trusts you but still doesn't trust you enough with something personal like that. If you're putting yourself out, then she should be at least giving something personal back to you in return. Has she ever spoken about returning to russia?

>>37980417
Man feel like crying now.
Yes, actually I just remembered that she said she hates it in the US. About the notebook - my thoughts exactly! If I'm giving something I should get something in return! I've brought it up a few times and she dosnt like it when I do. Anon I'm kinda holding back tears rn for some reason.

I'll probably go all out then. In a continuous go until I gather enough "data" from her response. Should it mainly be over FaceTime cause it's hard to set up or is texing fine all the same?

Alternately I'm also seriously considering just going cold and being on the responsive side if she even decides to initiate something.

You said all out is the way to go. I'll probably do that but what do you think of the going cold thing? I'll let you decide. But thing is I really feel like hurting her emotionally and am not sure how and if it will even affect her.

>drugs
So mostly hallucinogens huh. benzos are pretty comfy with the anxiety thing we both get, especially for you in public it would seem to make things easier to me.
Addarall and amphetamine is what dose it for me, but also because it's one of the few things I can get. Makes me really happy and motivated and good for video games.

The anti anxiety thing is really working its magic and I'm getting sleepy and more calm. If I disappear I fell asleep. But I'll try to warn you before that happens.

>>37980695
I think that's her real problem anon. I think she really misses her old life back in Russia. She has tons of fond memories there. The notebook seems to be a sort of melancholy symbolism here. She says that she's open to you, yet she's not open enough to share true personal details with you. And that really sucks considering how much you've given of yourself

I think texting is fine all the same. In fact, texting will give both of you time to sort your ideas into coherent paragraphs atleast and give you time to think. Like you said with my friend, if you go cold you may just never get a reply. I say you go all out, it's all or nothing at this point. If she wants to stay onboard, let het, but if she doesn't then it's time to let go. You can't hurt yourself like this. She needs to work out her own problems.

It's going to hurt with the texting. I say if it hurts too much, go cold turkey. If she doesn't answer, then she doesn't answer. If she doesn't answer you when you're this upset then she probably wasn't a good partner anyway.

>drugs
Yeah, I've only beenn scared to take anything like adderall or speed because I don't want to trigger a manic episode. They can get really scary really fast, so I try to stay away from them

Don't cry anon. I know it's hard. But again, I'm here and I understand. Things will get better, you've just got to figure ou tif the people who are in your life right now are the ones you really need

>>37980785
No problem, if you do ill just make a thread around 4 tomorrow

>>37980905
Going all out then. We'll see what happens.
Any idea on hurting her though? After all of this is over I mean.
>like you said with my friend
Eii happy you remembered. Hope you found some use of what I said then and today (even though it's very one sided) about the negative thoughts and such.

Unfortunately my last post for today, feeling very sleepy. I'll read your reply and address it/ answer tomorrow when we chat again.
Hope I can be of use to you as I find you and your feedback very insightful and helpful

>>37981200
I'm not quite sure how she'll feel. If she has gotten to the point where there is a possibility that she will never respond if you just decide to stop texting her, that's not a very positive sign. I'm not saying she doesn't care, I'm sure she does, but I think she's not going to be emotionally wrecked. I'm sure it'll be hard for both of you, but I think you have more emotion invested in this relationships than she does. I can't say what she'll do after this is all over, maybe she will have thoughts on returning to Russia.

Goodnight anon, sleep well. Good luck, I'll talk to you tomorrow