Sick of the anti-depressants blunting my feelings, sick of the

>>37849422
iktfb. Therapists will drive you insane.

>>37849663
you want to vent on some of your problems anon? I know my blogpost was a bit much.

>>37849422
How'd you get to this point? whats depressed you? And just a heads up. jobs that give you a sense of pride and pay well arent being handed to neet dickheads who think they just fall out of the sky. Whatever you did to fuck your life up and become what you are now, while you were doing that other people were out there making all the right moves. so how'd you get to this point?

>>37849422
I know anon, ive been on anti depressants for years and I always wonder how much more human I would feel if I were not on them, I hate them. I lowered my dose just slightly and I have become so depressed that I am drinking to make it go away and that dosent even work.

Last time I quit my meds I went full JUST so im scared to do it again. All therapists do is make you open pandoras box then fuck off again when you are dealing with all your shit because they dont give a flying fuck.

>>37849422
first of all, jobs that provide a sense of pride are something people work hard for. they arent being handed out to dickheads who live the neet life and wallow in self pity. people were out in the world working hard while you were turning yourself into what you are now.

that said, whats the cause of all this depression?

>>37849786
>how'd you get to this point?
I had a mental mental breakdown with OCD, that's when my life just fell apart. Got literally stuck on a mattress 9 months. Afterwards my self-esteem was completely vanished because everyone I knew moved on. That was last March and I worked for a month in November before quitting because it only made me feel more inadequate, and I'd run into people from school and people who used to be friends / family of friends. I guess that's when I became "depressed".

I don't want or expect a job that pays well. The point is I've got literally nothing going on for myself, so I'm just looking for something difficult.

>>37849913
>whats the cause of all this depression
I don't think I'm clinically depressed even though I have all the symptoms. I'm in this state because I've got nothing, I did well in high school and that's about it. My self-confidence is gone because NEET two years so going university is a bad idea.

I get that I've fucked up my life I never said it wasn't my own fault, I'm just saying no one seems to relate to what my real problem is. It can't be fixed by cognitive behavioral therapy, it can't be fixed by giving me drugs. I've got no idea what it can be fixed by other than doing something impressive. No matter how much my therapists think working a shitty job anyone can or would be willing to do is, I think it's pretty pathetic given the expectations people had of me in school.

>>37849899
what anti-depressants you on? I never had too bad withdrawals from sertraline or prozac. sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. When I go on an anti-depressant all I get is a difficulty feeling guilt which makes me feel like a psychopath. It also might take away the general depressed mood but that's not helpful for me, I need to experience the authentic feelings of being a failure otherwise I'll NEET another year away.

I'd take anti-depressants if they boosted motivation though.

Good luck anon I hope your doctors help you get off if that's what you really want. I've heard good things about MAOIs if you want to go down that route, meant to be really good for people with bad social anxiety not sure about depression.

>>37849786
>>37849913
I'm kinda counting on an answer anon, looking for any advice you'll give

>>37849422
Where do you live anon? Country i mean

>>37850525
UK, why?

>>37850538
If you're going to kill yourself I'd suggest blowing your brains out in a very public place to fuck everyone there up. But since you live in the UK, it'd be difficult to get a gun.

>>37850602
when I kill myself I'm just going to disappear so no one's sure I killed myself and they can believe I just left them for a better life. I don't hate anyone.

could always self-immolate but knowing nice guy normies they'd probably put you out and leave you in horrible agony for weeks till

I have a somewhat similar problem to you.

I've tried CBT and drugs and it never really worked. I don't want a job and would be perfectly content just being a NEET but society condems NEET's and I can't stand the though of my family ending up with growing resentment towards me.

I recently went in for my first day of a call center today and left shortly after I came saying I can't do this. The thought of being in a small cubicle being pressured to do something that required memorizing a 30 page booklet and several pages of script dialogue combined with the fake, pro capitalist mentality and showing sales on a board to try and force you to sell more with some inspirational quotes on the wall made me feel like it was purely there to make them money whilst they lied about how nice they were trying to be to you. Just fake commercialized bullshit that made me feel trapped as soon as I went through the door.

I got back and had a breakdown in front of my family. I just feel so weak and would rather be dead or never have to work again so I can focus on my creative outlets but no, society is a cruel abhorrent place where you must conform or die. If you don't conform to some bullshit autonomous process that puts people under immeasurable mental stress and boredom then apparently there is something wrong with you as opposed to the people who beg others to put cans on a shelf purely to sustain there livelyhood.

I'm probably going to kill myself soon. I'm tried of being here and life won't get any better.

>>37850086
first off geez .. i mean.. okay, ill humor you.

IF and im saying IF you want to live. lie to yourself.
your self esteem shouldnt be derived from how others see you but in the ego of all functioning adult human beings how one sees themselves thru the eyes of another is a positive affirmation of ones self.

however i knew you were just being a dickhead when you said you wanted to, "do something impressive". youre kidding right? or are you just .. no. you cant be an optimist because you get online and post shit like this.

>>37850732
so really the only advice you have is to change my personality and be ok with being a failure? Is it really too much to ask to get a 1200 pounds a month job doing a physically demanding job?

and no I'm not dismissing what you're saying it's just pretty crushing, because if it comes down to working in supermarkets or going to university with no self-esteem (or doing the impossible for me and forcing myself to somehow become not a "dickhead") I'm just going to NEET and yeah that's pretty much the end of it.

>>37850698
please don't kill yourself anon, you've still got your family behind you. Maybe change therapist? Do you have anxiety or depression or anything you think might explain your feelings? I don't really know how to comfort you but please don't kill yourself. I guarantee one day at the very least you'll be independent of family and feel a lot better. You might be a leech off the state but who gives a fuck if you live alone. Please just wait it out, try find advice that's helpful and keep trying. It's ok if you're the same way in 10 years, but much better if you can move past it. If you hate society then why not live to piss leech off of them? I've never had that hatred or a desire to be NEET but if I did I'd just say fuck 'em.

>>37851005
Because unfortunately I feel as though my family is eventually going to resent my existence.

I don't want to leech because my family will hate me. I have anxiety problems and just feel useless because I can't conform to societies preconceived notions of how people have to act and have in life. Have a boring 9-5 job and make it so all the great jobs are nearly impossible to get.