Psychological Issues #43

>Sidequest a: Anecdote

I noticed today that I tend to distort facts rather than outright lie, since I remember hearing at some point that deceptions are more efficient if they contain a kernel of truth. A shred of honesty being forced to service a larger deceit. I realised that I do this by default from time to time, most especially when faced with something undesirable.

Today I had to quit my job. I was very anxious about it. I'd imagined all kinds of unlikely worst case scenarios, and decided that the most efficient way to do so would be to use the other events that are going on. I mentioned previously that my gf's mother is in hospital and it's quite serious. Thus, I played that up and said I would have to quit on that basis.

I also did the same for more frivolous reasons: I could have been starting my new position on Weds but then I realised I have Slimming World coming up so I trotted out the same excuse.

Of course, I could easily run into an ex-colleague since I said I was moving away. It was a fairly pointless lie.

I was reading a book on philosophy to kill time in hospital. The crux of ethics, it claimed, lay in resisting instinct and fear and behaving in a way such that, should everyone behave the same, the result would be a desirable world. This made me think of Machiavelli (no surprise I suppose) and his assertion that morality is not egalitarian. One person must necessarily obey a different sort of morality than another, and if both behaved according to the same compass, each would suffer.

Still, as a blunt instrument the above seems a reasonable starting point when deciding whether or not something was ethical.

There was also the Ring of Gyges question: if you could get away with anything, what would you do?

My own answers were that I would not do things like wrongly imprison an innocent man, or betray a friend, or beat a child. However, I would torture and kill until I was satisfied (that was more of a shared decision).

I've got no friends and even my relatives don't like me that much because I autistically spurt funny racist stuff and make fun of everyone around me. Now, I'm not an asshole and I like when people make fun of me too, it's just bantz but normies just can't handle it.
So I come here, spew my fucking bullshit on this North Korean pineapple farming forum and it just amplifies my shitflinging skills, furthering my distance to ever getting a real social relationship.

This is fun too, but I'd like there to be some autist like me to argue and talk about the Irish conspiracy theories with.

>>36520834

Was anything the matter with saying that you found another job?

Do you feel more powerful when you successfully lie to someone?

> However, I would torture and kill until I was satisfied (that was more of a shared decision).

Who?

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>>36520965
Who would I kill? First thought that came to my mind was my mother, so thanks for that Freud.

In general though, people whom I broadly disliked. Well, if it could be anyone it would first be people whom I considered evil and who, by their deaths, would improve the world. But in time it would just degenerate to people who annoyed me in petty ways probably.

Pic related would be my 'type' if I were to be a serial killer I think.

There was nothing wrong with saying I'd found another job. I was worried that my boss may have felt slighted or betrayed, or angry.

It may be for the same reason that I cheat in board games: it feels like true mastery of the rules to operate outside them while appearing to be constrained by them.

>>36520934
>this North Korean pineapple farming forum

I like that.

>>36520934
>This is fun too, but I'd like there to be some autist like me to argue and talk about the Irish conspiracy theories with.

You sound fun. I'll speak with you. I had an ex from Knock. She once told me a horror story about some skinning from the IRA or something. She has a brother in the secret services (in theory), and her parents had a bar right in front of the BBC studios, so she met lots of celebs, even some serial killer. Or maybe it's all BS.

>>36520834
Do you ever run into uncertainty about whether or not what you've said is a lie? I often wonder if I can trust myself to accurately report on the veracity of ambiguous statements I've made, especially when there is something I want at stake.

>>36521071
>First thought that came to my mind was my mother, so thanks for that Freud.

Buffalo Bill dreamed of doing the same. I dreamed I was murdering my father with pure violence and an office chair.

I remember that painting from your first participation.

>It may be for the same reason that I cheat in board games: it feels like true mastery of the rules to operate outside them while appearing to be constrained by them.

I imagined as much. I don't cheat (in games) because it'd be an instant loss to me. No victory obtained through cheating is a victory. It'd make me feel like a scumbag. Anyone can cheat, that's not hard. You'd win only because other people are more noble than you are, which I don't think of as a victory.

When asked what I would do if I could get away with it, the exact same I'm doing now. Not getting caught isn't how I operate.

>>36521237

Can't you inquire about yourself and figure it out?

>>36521252
No, you'd win because you were smart enough to avoid getting caught.

>>36521237
I do. It doesn't help that I often rely on information from dreams, or else I'm unsure whether something was a dream or not.

How are you guys? How are things going?

>>36521320
>No, you'd win because you were smart enough to avoid getting caught.

If you play outside the game, you no longer the play the game, therefore you don't win.

>>36521360

Sup, Eh?

>>36521157
>She once told me a horror story about some skinning from the IRA or something.
Tell me about it. The Irish persecution by Britbongs wasn't just racism, they knew what was up. Now Ireland is independent and those leprechauns run free corrupting everything they touch. The Jews just want to profit but these guys - it's all about the destruction and mayhem.

>>36521275
I'm not sure what you mean. I was only curious to see if Facet has experienced this.
An event is looming in my future which I have to figure out how to face. I won't go into detail, but this is one of the factors that caused what I described last time we spoke.

>>36521360
Not bad, thanks.

>>36521374
>If you play outside the game, you no longer the play the game, therefore you don't win.
Have you never watched pro-wrestling?

>>36521397

I think she had heard some guys talking at a bar, I forget. I don't remember very well. Some guy was skinned alive. While they were having coffee? I forget.

>>36521374
I'm, I don't know. I was at lunch with my friends and the only thing I said to them was bye. I don't why I'm like this right now. I just don't want to talk to anyone. I was pissed off at first, because the vending machine took my money. I walked back to the group, and I sat there staring at the ground hardly thinking with a frown. I was by the walkway, and I hoped that someone would bump into me so I could tell them off and maybe fight, but that didn't happen. Then I thought about how mundane life is, and I changed. I looked a how vanilla life is, and I was disgusted, and disappointed in this. Now I'm not talking to anyone, but this is usual for the time of day.

>>36521489
>I won't go into detail,

You sure don't, but you should, a little more!

Do tell.

>>36521493
>Have you never watched pro-wrestling?

I have great respect for this form of theater. But that it is: theater.

>>36521493
I'm glad to hear it Facet.

>>36521550
An inconvenient change of location will occur. That's as much as I'll say here (probably anywhere). There's nothing to do now but plan and then set it into action when the time comes.

>>36521532

That's quite a lot of special feats in there. If you told this to a therapist, they'd have a lot to work from with this alone.

You try to pick up fights?

>>36521360
Doubt you were intending to address me, but I'm feeling very odd. If I had to use a word for my mental state, it would be "humid."

>>36521607

Do you hate change? Moving is always a trauma for me.

I don't think I can leave my current place because that's where I lived with my Loved One, and leaving would be too hard. It'd be like losing her completely.

>>36521642
I only put myself into a position that would allow me to fight a person if I choose to.

>>36520550
How do i overcome identity crisis?

>>36521667
I hate uncontrolled change. Simple variety is fine. But large impositions on my way of life I cannot abide. You've also misunderstood the nature of the movement, but you're close.

>>36521725
Can you elaborate on the nature of your crisis?

>>36521750

Am I supposed to guess or should I keep it to myself?

>>36521725

This.

>>36521788
I feel shallow and empty, like i dont have my identity core and i'm just changing my masks when i have to interact with people.

>>36521818
Keep it to yourself. I assume you've gotten it. I have to make many preparations and it's gnawing at me. Saddest part is, there are no ill-intentions on either side yet it still produces negative feelings and will proceed without regard for any of them.

>>36521850
Welcome to the club. Are there any other things that bother you?

>>36521850

I've done the same thing for ages, and doing it a bit less now. I did because I felt I had to adapt to people.

Please take a name!

>>36521850
Many people feel this way. Are these masks just subtle, situational alterations in your personality or more dramatic?

>>36521873
I cannot stand up for myself. I couldnt confront anyone even if they'd be wrong and because of that i feel a lot of anger to myself which manifests in punching myself.
>>36521881
I dont have that much of a problem adapting to people but there more i do the more i feel that the real me is slipping away.
>>36521916
>situational alterations in your personality or more dramatic?
What do you mean by more dramatic? As in BPD?

>>36521997
Are you feigning huge chunks of your personality or just going with the flow in slightly uncharacteristic ways?

>>36521997
How was your childhood? What happened during it? What's your relationship with your parents?

>>36521997

You do show symptoms of Borderline, might be worth reading about it, but don't worry about the diagnostic, it's just a map.

You have a problem with personal boundaries, you're not used to defending yourself or thinking you're worth defending.

You also feel that other people's boundaries go over yours easily, as if other people's identities threatened yours (I can relate to that). You're not sure where they begin and where you do.

I know I'll annoy everyone with this, but yes, I'm pretty sure your parents are at fault for this, or whoever raised you.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

>>36522104

I live in world no one can touch or control unless I allow them, I have become inseparably attached to it and to detached from everything else and I've been doing it for so long that I do not want to undo it, nor am I capable, I've dedicated the vast majority of my life to achieve this detachment without being susceptible to distress, fear, anger, anything external. Everything outside holds no value except to maintain the internal abstraction where I have complete control, I don't know what you would call this, a permanent dissociation of sorts? I do not function at all in terms of being able to maintain a job but I have my own place and am fully independent, courtesy of the government.

A traumatic past underlies it, I do not want to dig up those memories.

I am no danger to anyone but I hate being dependent on the whims and policies of some institution.

Everything is well so long as the worlds do not collide or mix, when they do there is very strong response, last time it was kind of like panic, I struggled to suppressed it, made sure I did not hyperventilate or anything and yet the sensation overwhelmingly tried to push its way to center-stage, I felt light headed and my eyes turned up but I managed to recover the situation by going for a ride in the woods with some ambient and zoning out in the solace of the landscape and forest.

I've invested far too much in this abstraction and I will not let it go, what would it be called in psycholese and what ought to be done?

>>36522104
I'm pretty glad that my parents weren't narcs.

>>36522054
>or just going with the flow in slightly uncharacteristic ways?
I feel like someone else takes the driver seat while i sit and watch, more like depersonalization.
>>36522056
I'll keep it short - i had a difficult birth and my mom was in a lot of stress when she was pregnant. I burned my hand when i touched hot oven glass when i was 11 months old. I got separated from mom because i wanted to see toy trains when i was 4 years old in bazaar (i was returned pretty quickly in about 10-15 minutes). I was left at my grandma place for a good month and after that i started stuttering heavily. I'm the oldest child in family. Mom was good to me (perhaps sometimes overbearing) and pops was emotionally distant because of work.
>>36522104
>Borderline
I was reading this
http://paintedbrain.org/mental-health/what-is-quiet-borderline-personality-disorder/
I had a lot of conflicts with my mom where i was "forced" to agree with them because i was a child and they were parents.

>>36522221
How is the sanctity of this world maintained? Can you go into more detail, with concrete examples?

>>36522221
>and am fully independent, courtesy of the government.

So, you're not, then.

>A traumatic past underlies it, I do not want to dig up those memories.

You don't have to do it now, but eventually, it'll be a thing to do.

>I've invested far too much in this abstraction and I will not let it go, what would it be called in psycholese and what ought to be done?

I think you know the answer already. And yes, it's pretty much doing the opposite of what you're doing. You're trying to twist reality to a version that is easier for you to handle. That works for some time, but it's bound to create or accentuate problems on other levels, problems which will be then less obvious to solve.

What I advise you for now is to inform yourself and be fearless about your condition. I am not asking you to do anything for now, but to see things clearly, as they are, not as you want them to be.

It won't always be easy, but it'll be useful suffering, unlike what you seem to be going through: painful and fruitless.

Fleeing into a fantasy is referred to as dissociation as well (though there are many flavours of that).

Consider this:

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

>>36522322
Do you feel this even in isolation?

>>36522273

What would you say your brother was?

>>36522369
>Do you feel this even in isolation?
Strangely i feel more myself when i'm alone.

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i've been going to AA meetings since february now. i'm currently on my 12th day sober, which is a new record. getting off the booze has been a lot harder than i initially thought it would be. i miss the haze that getting drunk everyday brought on. looking at my life, and the world at large, in stark clarity/sobriety is scary. i'm nearly 30 and i still don't have my shit together at all. my brother and sister are much younger than i am yet if real life could be transferred onto a "Life" gameboard they'd be so far ahead of me. it feels like shit.

a. i know this is r9k and you people don't like hearing about problems of this nature but i'm going to plow ahead because it's on my mind.

i've been in a casual sexual relationship with a 19 year old girl since november. we meet up to fuck at least once a week, sometimes more than that. between january and early february i didn't see her at all and when we picked up and started fucking again she told me that she had began using methamphetamine.

the drug addiction itself (and she is addicted, it's obvious) doesn't bother me so much. i got my own drug of choice, who am i to judge? in addition, the girl has dropped over 30lbs since january. she was on the heavier side when we started hooking up, 5'1 and about 160lbs. she'll be hot as fuck if she loses another 30.

my problem is that i just don't give two shits about her. i've never really had a purely sexual relationship where i literally didn't care at all about my partner. even after a one-night stand years ago, i found myself preoccupied with thoughts of that slut for weeks afterward. with the girl now, i just don't get any of that.

sex is so fucking empty and shitty when you don't love/care about your partner. just last night i picked her up, drove her to a local fuckspot, fucked her and came all over her face. she enjoyed herself as normal but i sure didn't. i just felt disgusting. i feel like i have to keep her around though.

/end blogpost

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>>36520550
Sup Nick? Mountains from my window because comfy

>>36522400
Can you say how you feel when you're "yourself?" More in control?

>>36522322

Friend, friend, listen.

>I burned my hand when i touched hot oven glass when i was 11 months old.

Rephrase that: your mother let you hurt yourself. You're 11 months old, you're a baby, you aren't in charge of yourself, you can't know what burns and what doesn't, you barely understand what burning means. This isn't your fault. Whoever was in charge of you failed you and let you get hurt.

> I got separated from mom because i wanted to see toy trains when i was 4 years old

Again, you're fucking 4 years old, you're a tiny little kid, someone was in charge of you and they lost you. Any kid that age would want to see toy trains or anything, you're not in charge of yourself at that age. None of that is your fault.

>I was left at my grandma place for a good month and after that i started stuttering heavily.

Why? Why a whole month? The hell... It's very cruel to abandon your child for a whole month like that. Did the stuttering happen because of how your grandmother treated you or because you felt abandoned? (Or something else?)

> Mom was good to me (perhaps sometimes overbearing) and pops was emotionally distant because of work.

Good to you? I'm not sold on this idea yet. Neither are you, in fact.

As to your father, nobody has to be emotionally distant because of work. I doubt he'd closer to you emotionally even if he spent a whole month in your company without an hour of work.

>>36522448
Very pretty. What kind of trees are in the front?

>>36522322
>I had a lot of conflicts with my mom where i was "forced" to agree with them because i was a child and they were parents.

I had the same, and my parents were utterly hopeless narcissists. Narcs parents generally have mentally ill children due to how they raised them: Borderliners, Narcs, and who knows what else.

Better Borderliner than Narc, though.

>>36522400
>Strangely i feel more myself when i'm alone.

That's not strange, it's because when you're alone, nobody challenges your personal limits. Other people may be a threat to your personal limits, since you have never learned to defend them and value your own opinions and ideas.

I recommend checking some Richard Grannon videos, about people-pleasers and personal boundaries and such, it may help.

>>36522448
mostly pines, with a few I can't name offhand.

>>36522370
A narc.

>>36522322
Huh, so no childhood trauma.

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Please help, anyone with uncontrollable shaking and anxiety.

Been getting real bad anxiety that distracts me from school. It gets real bad to the point where my body temperature lowers and my muscles begin to contract, especially the chest area: and I begin to shiver uncontrollably.

It feels like I'm losing it.
Yet, if it is anxiety, I've been really unattached to it, hardly do I have stress because of my attitude of unattachment. But anyone experiencing or experienced this, tell me, how do I stop it from building up towards uncontrollable shaking?
I almost had one in class today, I was on the brim, but class ended a couple minutes later, feeling thrice of that.

>>36522561
Don't play along with nick's games

>>36522342
Isolation, others would consider it inhospitable and that seems to have an interesting feedback mechanism that translates into reality. It is purposely inhospitable to keep people out and it works for that purpose, to me it is a soothing visualization of a desolation, a vast landscape with many places and features, imagine a memory palace but instead of using it as a memory aid you invest so much into visualizing it that you live and experience things there primarily rather than directly within reality.

>>36522349
>I think you know the answer already.

Actually I'm not sure, I've been convinced it was this or that in the past but frankly there are too many possibilities and I can not look without bias. C-PTSD is indeed quite likely, I'll take the test. I'm just not sure being this retreated into an introspective world would still fall under that diagnosis.

>So, you're not, then.

Not self-sufficient but there are no impositions on my time or will so in that sense, I am free.

>>36522425
>a. i know this is r9k and you people don't like hearing about problems of this nature but i'm going to plow ahead because it's on my mind.

I don't consider myself a robot or even a usual poster on this board, just so you know.

> i'm currently on my 12th day sober, which is a new record.

Congrats!

>she'll be hot as fuck if she loses another 30.

>my problem is that i just don't give two shits about her.

I was going to say...

And yeah, contrary to popular belief (although some Sith Lords would disagree), sex without love does feel kind of shit and empty.

Maybe you have sex with her out of hate. her own addiction may remind you of your own, in a sense, this may explain why you can't care about her. She's a version of you that you dislike. Just throwing ideas in the air to see what you think, I don't claim this is what's happening, to be clear.

If you got nothing from sexing her, you wouldn't sex her at all. Though maybe you just like the sex.

>>36522448

Jesus... that's the view from your window? Goddamn, I am jelly beans. Do you live in a very isolated place?

>>36522481
>Why a whole month?
Had to take a business trip. My pops and little bro were checking on me once or twice per week (i'm not defending any of this, in fact i've been mad over this for a long time)
>Did the stuttering happen because of how your grandmother treated you or because you felt abandoned?
No one knows. I'm guessing she smacked my ass with belt because i was quite energetic one.
>As to your father, nobody has to be emotionally distant because of work
Her mother (the very same grandma) was a very strict and unemotional person. I'd doubt that he was closed off on purpose because his parents didnt approached him either. It's more like of a generational thing. On the other hand, my other biological grandma abandoned my mom when she was only 2 and stepmother was one of those unemotional types too.
>>36522472
Maybe not more in control, but less depersonalizated. It's like when you're alone and know what you're going to say to person but when in front of him you either forget or cannot do it.

>>36522561

Do you think he became that way on his own? Do you think your parents may have treated him differently from you?

I'm only 26 and I feel like I'm an 80-year-old cancer patient on his deathbed. I've given up working out because my body deteriorates faster than it improves. I suffer from pectus as well, so even if I did bulk up slightly could never attain the level of physical perfection that society requires to be deemed attractive.

I sweat constantly and my body is covered in red blotches, like sunburn that never goes away. I think I might have leukemia but I'm scared shitless of getting that checked out and having my fears confirmed, with nothing to look forward to but maybe two agonizing years wasting away in a hospital bed, receiving false hope from doctors who turn around and say, "haha the treatment didn't work, sorry!!! as you all know cancer works in mysterious ways :^)"

I'm fucking terrified of cancer more than anything and I hate my stupid, prematurely-decaying excuse for a body.

>>36522691
Are you saying you've turned the concept of isolation into a paracosm of sorts?

>>36522610
>Yet, if it is anxiety, I've been really unattached to it,

That may be the problem: you're pressing it in one place, it comes out the other. What you don't experience consciously, in your mind, your body does. It's all the more violent the more you repress it (if that's it).

Have you considered other potential causes? You call it anxiety, yet say that you hardly feel any stress from it, which makes me wonder if it's anxiety at all.

Any allergies or anything like that? Have you seen a doctor about your condition? A generalist, I mean, not a therapist.

>>36522616

Narcissism isn't a game I invented. Inform yourself.

>>36522706
Not too isolated, have a few neighbors. About 10 minutes out of nearest town. Family has enough land we're raising 3 cows and a dozen chickens

>>36522691
>I'm just not sure being this retreated into an introspective world would still fall under that diagnosis.

Actually, it would. It's what rape victims do sometimes, to escape the moment. What you feel seems so intense that you have to resort to mental tricks that rape victims use, so it's fair to say you exist under quite traumatic circumstances.

That said, this sounds more like regular PTSD, but both can coexist.

>Not self-sufficient but there are no impositions on my time or will so in that sense, I am free.

In a sense, but in another, you know that you are dependent, and thus, not free. Maybe this weighs on your mind more than you think.

>>36522730
>Had to take a business trip. My pops and little bro were checking on me once or twice per week (i'm not defending any of this, in fact i've been mad over this for a long time)

Holy fuck, how old were you? You were right to be mad!

> I'm guessing she smacked my ass with belt because i was quite energetic one.

That wouldn't be a reason to physically abuse a child. It's not your fault. Children are energetic usually. Do you remember anything?

>Her mother (the very same grandma) was a very strict and unemotional person. I'd doubt that he was closed off on purpose because his parents didnt approached him either. It's more like of a generational thing.

Yes. I believe both of my parents had disordered parents of their own, and being unemotional was part of the deal. This can cause greater damage than one might think.

>>36522758
>I think I might have leukemia but I'm scared shitless of getting that checked out and having my fears confirmed,

Just do it.

Not doing it is way more dangerous. You may even doom yourself when you could be saved, so don't take a chance on this. Go see a doctor ASAP, I am not kidding.

>I'm fucking terrified of cancer more than anything and I hate my stupid, prematurely-decaying excuse for a body.

Then get it checked! With cancer, the more you wait, the worse it gets. Don't play with fire, friend, seriously, go get checked as soon as you can.Tomorrow.

>>36522962
>Holy fuck, how old were you?
Around 5 and a half
>Do you remember anything?
About that time period? Nothing.
>This can cause greater damage than one might think.
It's like a vicious circle. If i'd be father, i'd also avoid getting "feely" with children because i'm not used to.

>>36522847

Damn, that sounds nice. I'd be scared at night, though. Is that how you guys make your money?

I guess not, just a side thing?

>>36523007
>Around 5 and a half

A month without your parents at this age is pretty harsh. Especially when it's voluntary. Both of your parents were on business?

No memories of that month at your grandmother's?

> If i'd be father, i'd also avoid getting "feely" with children because i'm not used to.
That's how it reproduces, sadly.

>>36522778
A paracosm of sorts would describe it quite well, just more changeable, a paracosm mixed with a lucid dream built like a memory palace, kind of like being stuck in a vivid imagination with a blank stare in a somewhat hypnotic state. I like it a lot, here I am free, in control and can not be harmed by anything external.

Hello everybody. What's up?

Not really an anecdote, but I was talking to my mum today and she said that she used to spank me or lock me in my room for hours when I was acting up as a toddler (~1-2). Surprised me a lot but I don't think it really affected since I don't even remember it. Just a little story I guess.

>>36523053
>No memories of that month at your grandmother's?
Nah, nothing.
>That's how it reproduces, sadly.
Well, that ends with me, too bad i have no identity, passion, goal or something. I dont know what keeps my alive.

>>36522998
What makes you so sure? If you think I'm right and it is leukemia, tell me now so I can end it sooner without wasting my time. You can't "save" someone who has cancer. Once you have it, your body is forever compromised.

>>36523107

That sounds elaborate. What does it look like?

>>36523110

Mah Ethan!

>>36523110
>she used to spank me or lock me in my room for hours when I was acting up as a toddler (~1-2).

Fuck... Spanking is considered physical abuse (though I still have to convince myself) and the locking thing is atrocious, especially for a child this young. Fucking hell.

>Surprised me a lot but I don't think it really affected since I don't even remember it. Just a little story I guess.

Not remembering makes no difference. I know someone who has massive issues with separation from her loved on, and it's most likely due to her baby years, which she can't remember. She was an orphan, and had been abandoned in the street.

Being locked up and left alone for HOURS at age 1 or 2, is fucking hateful. And yes, that shit will leave scars. Mention it to your therapist.

That is fucking fucked up. I bet your mother didn't even sound like it was an act of torture (it is).

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>>36523023
Just to feed us originally, then we all kept doing it because it ended up cheaper and better for you than store-bought. Oldest brother comes in to help us with the hanging and processing every winter, it's become a family thing. They're over the hill it seems and I'm not going out there to get a pic of them in the rain.

>>36523131
>Well, that ends with me,

Yes, but that doesn't mean you can't have children of your own and raise them well.

My secret mission, to make sure robots become the proud parents of little Chads and Stacies.

You are in a condition that is too severe to focus on passion, goals or anything, you're surviving, but you're alive.

>>36523180
>mention it to your therapist

Will do On Thursday

>didn't even sound like it was an act of torture

You're right, shr was just laughing about as if it was something funny or cute. I was a bit taken a back

>>36523202
>doesn't mean you can't have children of your own and raise them well
Carrying those genes would be crime against humanity.
>you're surviving, but you're alive.
Literally just existing. I'd rather kill myself but i'm too cowardly even for that.

>>36523155

I can't diagnose you with leukemia, and I'd never tell you I think it's cancer, I'm not a doctor. I have no idea if your symptoms would suggest it, but I wouldn't bet it's cancer. That's why you go to a doctor. Whatever it is, it needs to be known and addressed.

Yes, you can save someone from cancer. It happens a lot, some people even get cancer and don't know it, and their bodies beat it, and they only find out the next time they have cancer.

Once you have it, your body can recover. There are many, many examples of that. You need to call a doctor right the heck now.

I'm dead serious.

>>36523182

My kind of place. Are you in the USA?

>>36523275
Yup. Southern mountain boy born and raised

I don't know who I am anymore. Been addicted to Xanax for a couple years. Too poor to get a therapist.
pls help

>>36523229
>You're right, shr was just laughing about as if it was something funny or cute. I was a bit taken a back

Good that you had a healthy reaction. My mother pulled this shit a lot and I used to be so accustomed to it that I didn't realise it was fucked up.

Man, this is really, really messed up. In a way, you're lucky she told you. My mother may have done shit like this and I can't remember it. Goddam, your mother... Hours locked up in a room, for a toddler. Is she aware that the "hole" for inmates is considered severe punishment? And these are ADULTS. When you're 1 or 2, you're not supposed to be isolated from everyone for hours at a time and locked up like an inmate.

>>36523256
>Carrying those genes would be crime against humanity.

It's not a gene thing, it's a mind thing.

It's a mind thang.

You will improve.

>>36523288

I used to fantasise about living in isolated places, a lot. Now not so much anymore, but I still find such places dreamy.

>>36523289

What do you use Xanax against?

>>36522735
Yes, he chose his decisions. Yes, he is the jackass after all.

>>36523351
>You will improve.
I dont know where you see hope because i surely dont.

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>>36523333

Check'em. Do it.

>>36523333
Wow that's a scary thought, now I'm wondering if there's anything else I don't remember

I wonder if being isolated like that had any impact on why I don't like being around too many people

>>36523384

There's probably more to it than that. I've never met anyone who was "just an asshole".

>>36523388
>I dont know where you see hope because i surely dont.

You are a human being. In that sense, we all have a lot in common, more than we believe, and there are ways to be helped.

What's your worst childhood memory?

>>36523428
>What's your worst childhood memory?
I'm assuming that you're asking about the one that i remember.
It's probably the one where i shat myself in kindergarden and i was publicly "hosed" off when children were watching and laughing.

>>36523424
>now I'm wondering if there's anything else I don't remember

Since you're not at war with your mother and she seems proud of her ways, ask her some more. She'll probably tell you.

I'll try asking mine, but she knows I refuse to see her, so she won't be cooperative much.

>I wonder if being isolated like that had any impact on why I don't like being around too many people

I'd not think so. Your fear of people most likely comes from the fact that the main humans you were with when you grew up were legitimately dangerous to you.

>>36523428
Oh, I know that there's more to it. Every man in my family shows very prominent signs of aspd. He's no different.

>>36523482

Damn, getting hosed off in public doesn't sound like this kindergarten knew what they were doing...

Anything else?

>>36523501

Are you still unwilling to see a therapist? I do believe it could help, I am also very curious as to what would happen.

>>36523545
I think about it from time to time. I don't think anything good will come of it.

>>36523497
She likes when I call so I could probably do it again tomorrow

You're probably right that they had something to do with it, but now that I think about it, it wasn't really as bad until after my assault. (After all, I was coming from a party)

>>36523571

You might enjoy it.

>>36523368
there is no comparison to fresh country air

>>36523524
>Anything else
I really dont remember much. Except weird ones, where i refused to dance with girls and ended up dancing alone. I remember that my first crush was my cousin (i didnt knew at that time) and i was so devastated afterwards, that i dropped girls at all.

>>36523597

Sometimes the groundwork is there, and until something else happens, you can make it work.

Then when shit hits the fan, everything comes crumbling down because the structure was weak. This is how it works for me, I believe.

Having a background like yours certainly helped make the trauma worse, because it hits in previous wounds.

I told my therapist about your story, by the way, the having to cook for yourself at 11. She was shocked, as I expected. I mentioned how it seemed almost normal to you, even though you'd not let your own kid cook alone, you'd supervise him if he really wanted to cook, and, pretty sure, you'd cook with him, and it'd be fun time every time you'd cook together.

>>36523604
I'm pretty sure I would. I just don't want to be diagnosed with anything that can restrict my life.

>>36523655

Tell me about your parents.

This comment was not original, thus blocked, because I probably asked this 40 million times.

>>36523261
I'm sorry, but I don't see things getting any better for me. Even if the source of those symptoms is benign, that still doesn't fix my broken chest or the myriad of other physical deformities I have. I'm too old to get surgery; as a child all the adults would play it the pectus thing down, saying it was only a mild case, but that isn't what I see.

Eh, check this out:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/treatment-for-antisocial-personality-disorder/

I haven't had time to read it fully yet.

>>36523687
I still haven't told my therapist about that yet. I'll make sure to. Did she say anything specific about it?

>>36523738

When was the last time a doctor took a look at you?

Question for anybody in thread, since I'm curious.

What pets did you all have as a child, and what pets do you have now?

>>36520550

it's extremely hard for me to let go of things. I had a dark childhood and was NEET and depressed. diagnosed with ADD at 4 years old and hyped up on riddalin as a child changed my brain chemicals I think. I was adopted and we moved a lot. never really had a solid ground to stand on, anon. I'm extremely insecure at times and cannot face it when I need to let go. I have had a few people who meant the world to me who have all died now, I'm only 21 and they did not die of natural causes. the only boy ive ever felt a connection with left me and he hates me because I constantly begged him for a reason why he hated me and he eventually just hated me more and refuses to talk to me at all. I'm a walking shitball. ive tried to be social and appear normie formy own sake of trying to, but I CAN'T. fuck. I cant even fit in on /r9k/. which is the closest thing to home for me as fucked as that may sound. all because I was born a girl. wish my vagina had the power to take me places and get advantages like a lot of you think it can. the only thing I can seem to find is users. I'm not abut to share anything with them. I haven't slept in 40 hours anon. what can I do to help myself?Idont want to die, I want to live. ive tried suicide but too miserable to die

any advice on letting go? of people, past traumas and sadness for things I cannot fix?

>>36523780
>Did she say anything specific about it?

Not much more because we both knew what to think of it, which is the same stuff you thought about my parents; I speak tons at my therapist's. I was making the point that sharing in groups is great because we see the other person's past as heavier than our own, and we fail to see what is obvious to everyone else.

It's obvious to her, as it was to me, that your parents did a hateful thing by forcing you to cook for yourself at age 11, alone. That's the first thing she reacted to, "Eleven only???" And she's right, it's fucking crazy. I work with 11-year-olds, I don't think a single one of them could cook alone.

Did you climb up a chair or something, by the way?

>>36523776
If you read the whole thing, I'm pretty sure you would have made a joke about the last part by say something along the lines of, "The last treatment is probably the best for you."

>>36523859
I had a little plastic stool I used to reach the work surface

>>36523723
>Tell me about your parents.
I've already told about their childhoods, so l continue. Father was emotionally unavailable because he didnt know how to approach us (me and brother). He tried to it through buying stuff but we still felt somewhat neglected. Mom is rather "never give up" kind of person and we always end up on the note that i need more personalized approach rather than spouting things that could be applied to anybody. I think that she thought that she did everything good even if it wasnt that good after all (like abandonment and such). Overall atmosphere was pretty liberal (do whatever you like) but at the same time authoritarian ( you can voice your opinion but in the end it will be as parents decide). I really dont know why my brother had such little conflict with parents yet he was more active and sociable one, yet i had tons of them but i was introverted and shy one.

>>36523811
>What pets did you all have as a child

No, because my parents didn't like animals. I realise now that this was because animals don't respond to narc bullshit, and they'll bite and claw at you if you misbehave towards them. Official excuse was that animals were messy, but I know better now. They just didn't want to take care of animals. Or us.

> and what pets do you have now?

No, and I always refused to have a pet based on those same reasons as my parents had: messy, smelly, have to take care of them.

This has now changed. My Loved One always wanted a cat. I was always very against it, but now I wouldn't actually mind a cat. Weird to compare your own thoughts when you see the world differently.

>>36523819
>I constantly begged him for a reason why he hated me and he eventually just hated me more and refuses to talk to me at all.

You and I can bond on this; I've had an extreme case of something similar.

My advice for now is to read a lot of the links posted here:

>CPTSD
>Borderline

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/


https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

I'd start there, to get a clue, see if this rings a bell or not.

There's a lot to work out from your life, but don't despair. You're not alone.

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>>36523888

Trips for tears. This has legit made me tear the fuck up. Godfuckingdammit.

If that doesn't show you a child your age was not supposed to cook, I don't know what will. Gotta go cry now.

>>36523976

no desu I don't have BPD. I do have depression and ptsd. just struggle with letting go. maybe on the spectrum a bit too.

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>>36523811
I had a giant African land snail, which I still have the shell of, and two cats. One of which my mum still has.

>>36524013
Oh no please don't! I promise I was fine. Like I said before I enjoyed cooking so it wasn't too bad for me!

>>36523895

Some parents pick a child and treat him differently. Maybe this happened in your family?

>>36524045
>maybe on the spectrum a bit too.

No. Very unlikely. You don't get autism from trauma, even if some symptoms overlap, it's only superficial overlapping.

Make a list of your symptoms if you can.

>>36524094
>Maybe this happened in your family?
I dunno really. I was the older one and he was the younger one. Maybe that had something to do.

>>36524079
>Oh no please don't!

Oh, I did, and a whole lot more after that post. Fucking hell... I went to my kitchen to get something to drink, saw my cooker, and imagined a little plastic kid stool there, then you on it as an 11-year-old child, cooking. That's one of the most powerful images of child abuse I have ever imagined. And don't worry about me, and above all, don't feel bad or guilty. I don't mind the tears, it's normal to feel this way with what happened to you for so long. I know you may not have experienced it as badly as that (though you may have, less consciously).

It's just so fucking sad to have parents like that.

This is why I always dig about parents, everyone thinks they had nice, caring parents, and then you dig, and you find stuff like that.

That stuff moved me very much.

>>36524145
>I was the older one and he was the younger one. Maybe that had something to do.

Any reason can do, for them. Looking more like one parent can be all it takes.

>>36524145
From growing up with 3 siblings, parents do treat their children differently. Older brother was the "practice child." He made more mistakes than the rest of us, and parents treated his transgressions the worst. Then me. I'm just in the middle. Then there was my younger sister (only girl) and then my younger brother (the baby) who were both doted on.

>>36524182
Thank you a lot for caring. You and my bf and the only two people I've shared these kinds of things with, and our work has been keeping us apart a lot inthe past few weeks. It's nice to have someone else to talk to

>>36524109


no I meant born on the spectrum.
my birth mother was heavy into drugs and tried to commit suicide a few times while pregnant with me.

my symptoms:
-either very happy/giggly or extremely sad/crying
(even when I feel anger, I feel happy to release it or sad because of guilt of being angry)

-extremely socially awkward.
ex: I put off going public places as much as possible in fear of larger crowds of people I may know from school or past painful events.

-multiple thoughts at once. or cannotkeep the same train of one thought for long periods of time
still cannot fully explain this one. but it happens a lot lately.

-excessive memory loss

-regressive (hard letting go of past)

-ptsd flashback that make me socially hard to be around due to severity of them

>>36524251

And I'm glad I can be here for you. It's important work we're doing.

And I feel very protective of you,
no homo.

>>36524192
Well maybe because he was more extroverted and willing to socialize with others whereas i was more of introverted person who liked drawing and reading books by myself. Honestly, i dont even know what to do at this point. There's no inner voice of something like that which could guide me. I'm just a little child in dark pitch endless room.
>>36524196
>Older brother was the "practice child."
I feel like i was forced to be responsible for younger bro.

>>36524298

>twf nobody to be protective over me. sad desu

>>36524265
>-either very happy/giggly or extremely sad/crying

Is this triggered by specific events? How long do those cycles last?

>multiple thoughts at once. or cannotkeep the same train of one thought for long periods of time
still cannot fully explain this one. but it happens a lot lately.

That's in line with the rest: confusion, difficulty to focus, generally because you're too anxious to, your brain is on high alert on a regular basis (CPTSD, likely).

Even the memory issue is likely connected. Your brain registers much less when it's stressed out.

>>36524327

Don't worry, it doesn't take long for me to feel protective of people who need it. I'm here for you too.

>>36524321
>I feel like i was forced to be responsible for younger bro
That's every older sibling ever. I was left in charge of younger siblings often once I was 13/14.

>>36524321
>I'm just a little child in dark pitch endless room.

Very well said. I frequently wonder if my mother didn't leave me alone in a dark room, crying, for hours, when I was a baby, and that my anxiety moments aren't flashbacks to that. Just a working theory.

>>36524321
>I feel like i was forced to be responsible for younger bro.

You may have been. It's a form of parentification, which is a form of abuse.

>>36524355
Do I need your protection Nick? Are protective of me as well?

>>36524362
>That's every older sibling ever. I was left in charge of younger siblings often once I was 13/14.

Yes and no. It is to a degree, but that really depends on what you have to do. If you have to do your parents' job, it's not normal and it's not in every family.

Babysitting for your parents once in a while is fine, but if you have to cook and do laundry and take care of your lil' ones 4 times a week, it ceases to be normal.

>>36524378
>parentification, which is a form of abuse
Wait what? How do you figure that Nick?

>>36524298
I do feel like you guard me in a way from making mistakes. I feel kinda bad I come to these threads every day for you to listen to me drone on about my experiences. I feel the need to help back. What's the group therapy you were talking about in the first post? I would love to be part of it

In the case a therapist diagnoses me for depression, i'll have no idea how to explain this to my parents, who are partially responsible for the way I am today. The two scenarios i'm imagining are:

1. They write it off as something that isn't real

or

2. They actually try to help, but in ways that will not help at all since they typically don't listen to me.

>>36524341

>Is this triggered by specific events? How long do those cycles last?

No. it just happens. I looked up mood disorders a while back when my ex degraded my mental health and kinda resonated with mania a bit

>>36524396
>Do I need your protection Nick?

I've come to believe you would defend yourself better than I would, especially since I am not sure you'd trust me enough to put me in charge of protecting you.

>Are protective of me as well?

I'm not convinced you'd want my protection at all. I still am in the way I can, which is to do whatever I can to help you.

Have you read that article?

>>36520550
I am completely unable to empathize with others and it is the cause of my robothood.

People think that I am kind and polite but there is just something "off" about me.

Every time I hear this it reminds me of the social senses that I don't have. Sociopathy is much like blindness or deafness, but people can't even imagine not having those social senses. It is something that they can't comprehend, no matter how hard they try.

People have an idea what blindness is like because they can close their eyes.

People have an idea what deafness is like because they know what silence is (kind of)

But nobody but sociopaths know what it is like to lack social senses.

It's an abstract kind of feel to know that you have a disability but realize that there isn't anything even remotely resembling a support system for it - if anything, you are seen as evil and a person to be avoided.

>>36524415
>Wait what? How do you figure that Nick?

I just go by the definitions used by professionals.

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

Very useful resource right there.

>>36524422
>I do feel like you guard me in a way from making mistakes. I feel kinda bad I come to these threads every day for you to listen to me drone on about my experiences.

Well, don't feel bad, because I don't feel bad when you come here. It makes me happy. I come alive when I can help.

>. I feel the need to help back.

You do already. And you are a golden-hearted person, your presence alone helps. Don't worry about it.

>What's the group therapy you were talking about in the first post? I would love to be part of it

You're doing it right now. You're already a part of it.

You'd best believe in therapy threads,
you're in one.jpg

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>>36524355

>tfw my bestfriend Nick died this month last year and now I'm crying desu awwwww

((hugs))

this is my nick , he was one of us

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>>36524378
>It's a form of parentification, which is a form of abuse
I guess. I felt like i had to be "little grownup"

>>36524441
Yeah, and I don't want treatment, I just wanted to know what's with me.

>>36524426

Sounds like exactly the reactions my own parents could consider. Best advice: don't tell them shit.

As to depression, it's a symptom, not a condition. You'll probably have it, but it won't shed much light on your condition.

If you feel your parents are toxic, they may be much more than you realise for now.

If they invalidate you and never take what you say for granted, be very cautious.

>>36524438

How long do the cycles last?

>>36524492
Thank you a lot for your kind words

I feel like I should be more active in helping though. I've only ever given advice to one person in these threads because their situation somewhat applied to mine. I wouldn't know what to do with everybody else. I should do more research

>>36524531
I don't plan on telling them shit, but they WILL find out eventually once I start seeing a therapist. They often call me during the day to do shit for them or sometimes come home for things they forgot. Then there's also the occurrence that my (literal) autistic brother is home from school and i'm stuck watching him.

>>36524450

I don't find you evil, anon. usually people with your chemistry have an intricate amount of intelligence and skill where most people fill with other (imo useless) things you lack.

I dated an autist boy. didn't know until after we broke up that he was. I never cut him slack for the times he didn't understand my sincere pain and emotions. I feel cunty for calling him a sociopath now, so maybe my wordsof understanding will help somebody else with a similar problem. have a good day. anon

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>>36524450
>Every time I hear this it reminds me of the social senses that I don't have. Sociopathy is much like blindness or deafness, but people can't even imagine not having those social senses. It is something that they can't comprehend, no matter how hard they try.

I read a whole bunch about it. Don't worry. Plus we have Eh in the thread.

I'd stop using the word "sociopath", however, because it's not used by anyone serious. You can use psychopath, which is better, but also not too "serious", in the sense that "antisocial" is the term professionals will use, but they'll miss something in doing so, the idea that someone may not feel empathy or much emotion without actively wanting to hurt others.

That book isn't written to a psychopathic reader, but it may help gain insights in your condition. From the outside, so to speak.

>>36524451
I mean I guess anything taken to an extreme is abuse. I just can't imagine growing up without being able to care for other, smaller people.

>>36524547

eh, depending on the situation....hours to days to even weeks.

>>36523787
I get a physical every year. I actually did have my physician suspect leukemia once due to my white blood cell count, but when I went to the hematologist it apparently came back normal, so who the fuck knows.

At this point I'm just living day to day until I croak or I muster up the courage to finally end it all. I'd rather die than suffer through chemo. That shit doesn't work; this is why doctors are so careful about how they propose treatment options. It's never a matter of "this is our plan to cure you", but "we have to manage our expectations." There's no doubt in my mind a legitimate cure is out there, or did exist at one point before the scientist who discovered it was assassinated so the pharmaceutical CEOs can keep shilling their scam products.

I don't want to live in this stupid world. I fucking hate people and I hate what money did to us.

>>36524493

I-I'm sorry.

Incidentally, my Loved One would say that I had died, and referred to "him" as "Old Nick". With all the mental trauma I had endured at that point, I felt like a different person already, so this didn't help.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. The name coincidence always has a weird effect on me even though I know it's just a coincidence.

>>36524510

That's exactly what this type of abuse is about. It robs you of your childhood.

>>36524521

Why on earth wouldn't you want treatment? Let me put it a way that might make sense to you: you are a man with a key, and the key opens a trunk loaded with money. And you're like, "No, don't care about the trunk, I got the key!"

Man, c'mon.

>>36524567

Don't worry about that. I know for a fact that people appreciate your angelic presence amongst us. Just beeee yourself and say whatever you feel like saying.

People sense when you care, and to achieve that, asking questions and reacting goes a long way. Reacting to what people say is validating, that's why I let myself react as naturally as possible, to the point of swearing and letting others know when I'm affected.

>>36524587

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

Just to cover the basics, read these.

>>36524600
>have an intricate amount of intelligence and skill

This is mostly a myth, mostly carried out by Hollywood. Even amongst literal serial killers, superior intelligence isn't the norm. Ted Bundy and Ed Kempfer are exceptions rather than the rule.

>>36524620

Of course. Being able to be a big brother is one thing, being forced to act as a parent is another.

>>36524625

That may be bipolar then. Have you seen professionals about this and what was their diagnosis?

>>36524732
Sounds fair enough, I'll take your advice

Thank you

Im no more angelic than you though

>>36524688
I don't think that that's a good analogy, because I wouldn't even want help if I could get it.

>>36524644

I sense a lot of paranoia from you, and anger. The reason doctors play it low key is because they don't want to give you false hopes, so they'll generally lean towards the less optimistic side of things when they present it, hence all these people who say, "Doctors gave him almost no chance! Yet he lived!"

Doctors can't predict everything in many cases.

Either way, sir, will you call a doctor tomorrow?

Another question for whoever . I want to know more about the kinds of people in these threads

Whose your favourite artist

>>36524836
Just curious what is behind you in that pic? I'm a fan of ruins and old castles

>>36524817
>Im no more angelic than you though

Yes, you most likely are. You haven't betrayed the person who trusted you the most. I did.

>>36524848
I already have an appointment for the skin issue, but I need to schedule a blood test, so yeah, tomorrow.

For what it's worth, thanks for listening.

>>36524828
>because I wouldn't even want help if I could get it.

You wouldn't want money even if you could get it. That's how nonsensical your sentence is. It's a perfect analogy. You just don't know what help means in this case.

You don't realise because you don't know what you're missing. This is why people with your disorder don't seek help. If all humans were blind, none of them would seek to see. That's how you do: no need to see.

>>36524836

Pic got deleted, could only see thumbnail.

Don't assume you're an expert at your own condition just because you are you, this may lead to despair, as it does. Trust that solutions exist, that help exists, but that none of this may seem real for now, because your mental state doesn't allow hope just yet.

>>36524918
A mistake doesn't make you any less of a good person. You obviously regret what you did, which shows you've come to be a better person

>>36524857
>Whose your favourite artist

If you mean painter, patriotism forces my hand to say HR Giger (pronounced gee ger, not gei ger, sorry about that). Though that's just one amongst many.

I also always liked Van Gogh.

>>36524939

Very welcome. Do come back. You'll be helped. I want to know what comes next too.

My bed time is coming up, guys.

Dropping my e-mail address as usual:

[email protected]

Suicide planned for Wednesday. Going to spend the morning drinking a bottle of whiskey, run a warm bath then slit my wrists.
If I had sleeping pills I'd take them too, but I think it would look weird buying pills and alcohol together.
I'm sorry for blogging but I sort of wanted to get it out to the people I've spent most of my time with.
Goodbye friends.

>>36525016
>A mistake doesn't make you any less of a good person. You obviously regret what you did, which shows you've come to be a better person

It wasn't a mistake at the time, it was a choice, not entirely evil either, otherwise I wouldn't have made that choice. I'm sure paying the highest price in every possible way. But so is she, and she didn't betray me.

>>36524688
>It robs you of your childhood.
Too bad deep down i feel like a child - moody, naive, angry and fearful. I cannot assert myself without running from possible confrontation.

>>36525058
Been fun hanging out with you Nick. See you next time I'm around.

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>>36524857
Beksinski by far. I love his creative surrealist paintings which depict extremely creepy things, but somehow to me, in a way that makes them feel natural

Runner up would have to be giger for similar reasons

>>36525075
>run a warm bath then slit my wrists.

Don't, this is a very painful way to die. Don't commit suicide.

There are ways solutions, what you feel right now is an illusion, it'll clear up eventually. Don't do something like this when there's still a chance for better days.

Don't do this.

>>36524740
That's another weird thing. They don't really fall under any of these.

>>36525120
>>36525030
No way we both said giger! I didn't see your post either. I recommend the artist I was talking about if you don't no him already, gives off a similar feeling imho

>>36525094
>Too bad deep down i feel like a child -

Being robbed of your childhood often makes you feel like you're still a kid as an adult; that's the effect of abuse too. You feel stuck at some level, and that's what it is.

>>36525109

Take care!

>>36525120

I know of him because of 4chan only, but his work is great. My Loved One is Polish, incidentally.

>>36525168

Yep, we sure did.

>>36525160

It's not always obvious. See covert narcs.

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I'm extremely picky and my pic came up sideways. but this is an old british fort in upstate NY

>>36525177
>You feel stuck at some level, and that's what it is.
But how do i fix it?

>>36525093
I know this may not fit the definition, and it's stupid of me to say so, but I think if you end up regretting something that you shouldn't be have done, it's a mistake. Either way I know you're not bad person. I could have done things just as worse which you don't know about.

>>36525252
WHAT THE EVER LOVINGGGG FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK
THEY ARE RIGHT-SIDE-UP ON MY DESKTOP

>>36525257

Learning about your condition, its causes, etc, and then reprogramming yourself, relearning things, etc. It's a long journey but it starts with learning.

Do check Richard Grannon, take any video that speaks to you. He's a fun chap.

>>36524969
You're right. If I was blind I wouldn't care about seeing.

>>36525122
It'll hurt, that's for damn sure. But it will be brief, and in the end it'll be worth it.
I've waited for this to miraculously clear up for 6 years and I've had enough.
I guess I'm just throwing in the towel now.

>>36525228
It's always narcs with you

>>36525261
>and it's stupid of me to say so, but I think if you end up regretting something that you shouldn't be have done, it's a mistake.

It's not stupid at all. You're probably right. Trust your instincts more, what you say is valuable and makes perfect sense.

>I could have done things just as worse which you don't know about.

Maybe, but you probably didn't.

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>>36525307
Don't worry about it my phone does the same thing when I post images

>>36525356
And of course this is the one time it posts upright.

>>36525351
>maybe, but you probably didn't

You got me there, I'm desperately trying to think of something but I can't.

>>36525318

If you didn't feel, you wouldn't care about feeling. Thus, you don't know what you're missing. I can only encourage you to seek help, even if you don't think you need it.

>>36525323
>But it will be brief, and in the end it'll be worth it.

It won't. I don't think you're aware of the sort of pain you're setting yourself for.

>I've waited for this to miraculously clear up for 6 years and I've had enough.

Waiting won't do, but there are things you can start.

Have you been in therapy for 6 years?

>>36525345

Narcissistic abuse is not uncommon and its effects are indeed very similar. Narcissistic behaviour is also very identifiable. Whether you like it or not is none of my concern.

>>36525356
>>36525381

Kek be praised.

>>36525407

Don't worry, Ethan.

>>36525317
How about buddism concepts? They seem interesting.

>>36525030
>>36525120
At least I got you two answering

Musician/band?

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I must now sleep, but do continue together!

Good thread tonight.

Take care everyone, see you tomorrow.

All my love.

>>36525450
See ya next time

>>36525430
That's hard. I'd maybe say king crimson, since they were the band that got me started on exploring music, but it's hard to choose


>>36525450
Goodnight!

>>36520550
complete feelings of emptiness and laziness

utter lack of energy

everything seems grey

very, very aggressive with people nowadays, even family members I'll act cold and indifferent towards and vicious if anyone pushes me

horrible feeling that I've become utterly callous and uncaring and a horrible pang of nostalgia whenever I think back to old times when I wasn't as cold

often wish I could just get swept of my feet by some cute girl that would actually understand, someone that could actually make me feel again

incredible lack of caring for anything, no longer care about my career, every girl that I talk to atm is fucking trash and unbearable, every friend I have seems mechanical, repetitive and fake besides a few very close friends on the internet

genuinel anxious feeling like I'm just about to hit rock bottom in some way, either by turning into a drug addict, killing myself, killing someone else, etc

still can't even kill myself either

literally have spent nearly this entire year going onto the computer and listening to songs while striking meaningless conversations with people online and small talk

don't even play games anymore and barely watch anything either

completely lackluster, grey, uninteresting shitty life which is also accompanied by constant feelings of anxiety (which quickly turns into uncaring acceptance) and feelings of rage

only spark in me is nostalgia of times long back and the idea that i may actually find someone worthwhile (but I really doubt it sadly)
people around me if they do appreciate me, they appreciate my honesty and that's it which is true as I never feel the need to lie about anything

on the other hand, most people despise me for this and hate how how upfront, uncaring, arrogant and bold i am

>>36525554
I'll make sure nick sees this in tomorrow's thread. I'm sorry I can't give much advice myself, I'm terrible at it, but make sure you check in tomorrow for nicks reply

>>36525554

I've read it from my phone. Will respond tomorrow.

Ethan can help more than he knows. Speak to him.

>>36525645

Don't worry so much? Trust your instinct.

I'll be reading till I fall asleep.

>>36525711
No question mark there... I meant "!". I hate phonetyping.

>>36525554
Can I make some assumptions about you and get your response? You feel life has no purpose, and you cannot find joy in things you used to regardless of how much joy they gave you. You feel that you cannot connect with people like you used to. This sound about right so far?

>>36525739
Yah that's definitely true

Hey OP, I posted in one of your threads a while ago, and you said I likely had complex PTSD. After doing some digging, I stumbled upon the concept of Schizophrenic Personality Disorder, and I fit every symptom except for the highly imaginative world. I started developing the symptoms (especially Anhedonia) when I was 16, and now at age 18 I'm almost completely apathetic. I've seen a therapist since January, started meditating, and improved my diet, but the core issues remain very much the same, and I often fantasize about ditching everything because of how unsatisfying my current life is.

Do you know much about SPD? How likely is it that this is just a phase? Ask for any details if you need them, I'll be glad to tell anything.

>>36525832

Do you mean schizotypal personality disorder?

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>>36525758
I'm no professional by any means, but this sounds like depression. You sound a lot like me during my worst depression episodes. Find someone to talk to, even if its just me. I know what its like man. At my lowest had pic related to my head in the middle of the woods. Couldn't pull the trigger, no matter how hard I tried. Seek help if you start feeling suicidal

>>36525878
I meant Schizoid Personality Disorder, my bad.

>>36525899
Schizoids are fine living completely alone. Is that your case?

>>36525933
Yeah, I haven't had the desire for friends or a partner since middle school (age 12-14). Of course, I still enjoyed talking to people online until a couple years ago, which is when the Anhedonia kicked in and nothing became enjoyable.

>>36525958
This is a bit different I think. You don't enjoy people anymore but most likely because of your depression. Be cautious of diagnosing yourself with spd.

I doubt that this is it.

>>36526065
Here's the criteria I'm looking at:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#ICD-10_criteria

I've looked at the symptoms for all the common types of Depression, and while Dysthymia was kind of close, the above symptoms were dead-on. I'd be much happier if it's not SPD, but I need a good reason to believe that it's simply depression.

>>36525892
I live in the UK so I can't even shoot myself

Tried cutting my wrists open once but I just couldn't get to the vein and it got too painful when I got too indepth

Other suicide methods are just a no-no for me

>>36526151
I'd still advise professional help to handle your depression. I would for myself when it inevitably returns, but I'm poor and can't afford it.

>>36526151

Hold on. Don't die. :(

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>>36520550

I am 90% sure I have BPD, but a shrink I went to told me I am just depressed. But I am pretty certain I am in the throes of a BPD-related breakdown.

>wallowing in my own filth
>uncontrollable crying
>unable to leave the house
>constantly obsessing over my ex
>posting on 4chan, for chrissakes

I am just terrified that I will die. Either from the pain I am feeling, or I will kill myself.

>>36526423
Sounds like depression to me Charlie

>>36526509

yes, but depression triggered by getting ghosted after a date, that makes me feel like i'm batshit

I don't want to do anything, I just want to lay down and die because it's easier than working just to be alive. I know I'm a freeloading parasite piece of shit but I don't care, if I could press a button that would make me disappear I would press it.

>>36526603
Very borderliney yes. Get new therapist.

>>36526638

I have the same button analogy. Was thinking about it today.

You have severe depression. Don't give up.

>>36526603
Don't beat yourself up over it anon, you cannot control what causes depression to re-emerge. Mine came back when I posted a picture here and it fell over.
>>36526638
Killing yourself is too much hassle right? Thats where I was for basically the entirety of 2014. After I failed to pull the trigger I gave up on suicide as a viable option and just suffered