Psychological Issues #26

>>36132647
Hey Nick, I'm back. You may not remember me, but I was the guy that was abusive towards his girlfriend. I'm willing to accept that there may be something wrong. How can I get an actual diagnosis? The main reason why I was skeptical is, because I was already aware of antisocial personality disorder, and I figured it was hypochondriasis. When I started looking into it, I started believing it, but now I'm pretty sure I may actually be fucked.

>>36132717
>but now I'm pretty sure I may actually be fucked.

It may not sound like it, but that's great news. I know, I've been there, but the day you think, "I may just be right fucked," is the day things start changing.

It's also great news that you got to that point and are able to sustain the blow. Not everyone can do what you did, and those who can't, they just get stuck on abusing others.

I remember your name but I had forgotten what the problem was. I remember mostly now.

For an actual diagnosis, an expert is best (though not always), but let's see what we can do here.

Do you generally abuse her when you're under pressure?

>>36132762
Nah, it's just whenever I'm bored. It's not physical just verbal. I just like seeing people in pain. I try not to have her hurt too long, because I don't want to think that I'm an asshole. I can also change her emotions quickly and easily. I can do the same for myself.

not so much looking for psych advice, more just emotional and self-esteem type shit, but before I ask: if I say I'm trans are you gonna be the type to just tell me I need electro-shock therapy or whatever?

I'll namefag once I know you're not just going to be a dick. I'm not trying to feel worse about shit.

>>36132804
>I try not to have her hurt too long, because I don't want to think that I'm an asshole.

Make sure to focus that being able to "get things back to normal" does absolutely nothing beyond itself. The hurt is done, it won't be forgotten, on one level if not another. And it doesn't undo your asshole-ness, it only makes you manipulative on top of being an asshole, which is actually even worse, not better.

You may be able to change your emotions quickly, but she may only change her expression quickly, and the difference is enormous.

Are you considering seeing a psychotherapist?

>>36132830
>if I say I'm trans are you gonna be the type to just tell me I need electro-shock therapy or whatever?

No. I only condone EST when you're almost a vegetable from crippling depression, and even then, think twice. I will definitely speak to you with your transness in mind, however, but always with a concern for you as a person, even if you may not like what I have to say. My concern is always your well-being.

> I'm not trying to feel worse about shit.

I won't make you feel bad, I promise.

>>36132860
Yeah, I just don't want to be diagnosed. I just want talk, then see if he/she gets the same impression. Then I'm going to leave knowing something more about me. I just don't really care to help other people.

>>36132911
>Yeah, I just don't want to be diagnosed.

Why not? I know, but I want to hear you say it.

>>36132920
I just don't want a label to follow me around. I want to be treated as a normal person.

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>>36133000
>I just don't want a label to follow me around. I want to be treated as a normal person.

Nice trips. Also, you already have your label, in your head, and you are not a normal person.

Your case is one of those where the person themselves is less at risk than others, and it would important, for others, that you see it. That's the whole problem: you don't care and you won't be hurt, nor will you understand the pain you cause. It's like trying to tell someone playing a video game that the characters really hurt, while the player is just having fun.

I have a hard time relating to someone like you because empathy and care aren't innate to you, so I'm not sure what you go on to decide how to live.

I would get treatment, maybe there are things that can be done to help you relate to others and avoid damaging them too much. You will certainly attract the people who are most sensitive to cruel treatment, sadly.

People who had abusive caregivers will recognise something of them in you and their brain will see you as "that person whose love is necessary for survival", which will make them think they must absolutely be loved by you, which is impossible, but they'll keep trying.

Absolutely horrifying. The worst is that you don't realise the harm you do.

>>36133074
I do realize the pain I inflict. I just don't care. I do see people get hurt and I can feel other people's pain, but I just don't want to. I don't care enough to do it.

>>36133140

If you could, on the same level as normal people do, you wouldn't have the option to turn it off. Trust me, what you feel is probably like 1% of what they feel, otherwise you couldn't do it at all.

The best you can do is inform your partner of this because it won't be intuitive to them. They'll assume they deserve it sooner than assuming that you're disordered.

>>36133160
That sucks for them. I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not going to put myself at a disadvantage in order to help a significant other.

>>36133230

It doesn't require putting yourself at a disadvantage. I can only hope people wise up to you and use the damage done to learn about themselves and get enough therapy to avoid falling into the human traps that people like you are.

I can only hope you don't intend to have children; you are not fit to raise children. They need to be loved, for real, and you can't do that.

>>36133255
This is a bit insulting. My Dad was like me. He still is like me. I turned out fine.

>>36133270
Plainly untrue, or you wouldn't be describing yourself as 'fucked'.

Actual psychologist here. Will answer psych questions for a few minutes if anyone has a legit question about the field or thier diagnosis.

>>36133270
>This is a bit insulting.

I'm glad you see something's wrong.

>My Dad was like me.

Chances are the way he raised you made you how you are, or maybe it's genetic, or both.

>He still is like me.

I'm not sure people like you can change.

> I turned out fine.

For yourself, but not for anyone else. You aren't fine at all. You inflict suffering on your partner because you're bored and it entertains you. You're antisocial, possibly psychopathic, and clearly a sadist. That is not fine by any means.

>>36133286
I'm only fucked if I get diagnosed. The only problem I see happening is me killing a couple people. It's not that bad. That's also the extreme. It's not like I'm extremely vengeful. I only hurt people when I truely feel like they deserve it. An eye for an eye right?

>>36133286

Well-spotted. I don't know why I seem oblivious to people's obvious contradictions sometimes; maybe I was trained not to take that stuff into consideration too often since it led to nothing.

Hello.

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>>36132647
Oi m8
Just wanted to pop in and say hi

>>36133289

Try me.

I never had a diagnosis and still don't have one with my current therapist, though I myself suspect a good number of things.

I currently think about suicide about 3 days a week, depending on what happens, and I have no hope for the future. I live like a ghost of my former self.

I have nightmares I don't remember, I have panicky moments, had panic attacks in the past, I faint on occasions, usually while talking to someone.

Take a name and analyse me.

>>36133328
Afternoon.

>>36133325
You're obviously worried about more than a diagnosis. If it's as simple as that, my advice would be don't speak to a psychiatrist or pursue a diagnosis. Problem solved.

>>36133343

Sup Ralph?

>>36133313
I just think this whole thing is kind of a joke, but it sounds like you're taking this very seriously. Listen, I was planning on giving up on relationships after my current girlfriend, and moving on to one night stands. It shouldn't matter too much. I'll admit to her once all of it is over that I was a terrible person, and she should stay away. I already told her that I might be verbally and emotionally abusive, but she shrugged it off.

>>36133325
>I'm only fucked if I get diagnosed.

You think in very practical terms but miss the point. You are fucked if you have a personality disorder, not if someone officially sanctions it.

>The only problem I see happening is me killing a couple people. It's not that bad.

If you think it's not that bad, you only confirm that you are, indeed, fucked.

>I only hurt people when I truely feel like they deserve it. An eye for an eye right?

Before, you said you did it when you were bored with no mention of them having done anything to deserve it.

>>36133358
I just want to know for sure. I can already think of a couple ways around this problem anyways.

>>36133382
I meant physically hurting people.

>>36133366
>I just think this whole thing is kind of a joke, but it sounds like you're taking this very seriously.

I don't think you took it as a joke, but it sounds like you're back-peddling now, to make light of it.

> I'll admit to her once all of it is over that I was a terrible person, and she should stay away.

That would be noble of you.

>I already told her that I might be verbally and emotionally abusive, but she shrugged it off.

Yes, because she sees it as a way to prove her love to you, so she embraced that. It helps her feeling worthy.

People who weren't raised with real care don't actually know that they can be loved for who they are instead of what they do.

>>36133354
What's your age. When did this start. What do you do for a living and how do you do in terms of socialization/interpersonal relationships. Please be brief but answer the questions

>>36133074
Kek, I just saw the image. Pretty fitting when responding to me.

>>36133401
>I meant physically hurting people.

Physical hurt is not the worst. I appreciate the specification, however.

>>36133360
Not much man, I got training coming up soon for my lifeguard job. I'm trying to be more positive. I think being depressed might cut down on my edge and I definitely don't want to be the reason some kid drowns

>>36133386
It's just a label. All it would do is describe the symptoms you know that you exhibit anyway. If they fit, you might also be able to find some coping strategies and potential treatment methods. If you don't wish to pursue those, you're reached the end of the path. Diagnoses like these are of most use to professionals so that they have a shorthand by which to group people. If you don't want professional help, just see how your behaviour stacks up against the criteria and decide whether to move forward or take no action. You don't need a doctor for that.

>>36133417

I'm 34.

I've always had issues, starting around 10. Latest symptoms started in August. Things happened, yes.

I teach for a living. I don't socialise much. I have one friend I eat out with. I lost my relationship(s).

>>36133412
>I don't think you took it as a joke

I knew you were serious, but I was mostly just making fun out of this situation.

>>36133436

It's great to have a job where you feel useful.

>>36132889
Alright man, let's hear your take on this. It'd be nice to hear an unbiased opinion. So like most trannies I tend to be pretty insecure about myself. I seem to be pretty passable (although not something I can really judge myself), since most people tell me I am and strangers always treat me as female. Problem is my best friend. I've known him since high school, and we're pretty damn close. He gives me so much shit though. Always tells me how much I still look like a man, and spins it like everyone else is lying to me about being passable and he's the only one telling me the truth. He treats me like a completely different person. Multiple times he's told me that Caleb (my birth name) is dead and he sees me as someone else now. I even went as far as to dress up in some clothes I still had from back in high school. When he saw me like that it was like he hadn't seen me in years, even though it had only been a few hours. It's breaking my heart and kinda fucking me up in the head. I don't know who to believe, the vast majority of people telling me I'm passable, or my best friend telling me I'm not. I don't know how to show him it's still me. I'm still the same person on the inside, and it's just how I look that's changed. He has admitted that's it's just hard for him to accept since he's known me so long, but it still bugs me. My confidence has really gone up since I came out, but like I said this whole thing with my bro is kinda fucking that up for me. I feel like he just wants me back to how I used to be. He doesn't hate me for my decision to be trans or anything, I guess he just kinda doesn't get it, which is understandable.

idk maybe I'm just being dumb and none of this should matter to me. I've never been great with feelings and shit. idk man.

>>36133466
You are useful Nick. You're very useful to many people.

How do i get confidence? I suffer from low-esteem and self-deprecating thoughts.

>>36133449
Sounds like just typical depression then. Maybe adjustment disorder but since it's longer than 6 months since recent onset you qualify for depression.
Get talk therapy. Meds unnecessary.

>>36133446
I'm probably going to tell some of the behaviors that are similar.

>>36133467

OK, very interesting post.

You focus on whether you're passable or not, and whether your friend is telling you the truth or not. I'll handle the passable thing first: I know some biological females, born females, who were nothing other than female, who aren't passable. Ultimately, this isn't a central problem.

I assume you've been operated and are taking hormones, but I need to be sure.

I have a lot more questions, and I hope you will stay put.

>>36133497
Make confident poses in the mirror for awhile until you feel better. It sounds stupid, but it does work.

>>36133482

Here or at my job?

Objectively, probably both, but I feel like air unless there's a special someone I can live for. This special someone can never be myself. I think that's my core problem.

>>36133516
Thing is that i already have confident posture but i still suffer from low self-esteem.

>>36133425
Hey Nick, do you want me to just go through a list of behaviors that a psychopath may have?

>>36133497
Confidence is easy, but hard.
Easy part: it's simple to get. Hard part: doing what it takes to get confident.

Confidence builds in response to behaviors. So you need to engage in behaviors which will build it. This requires discipline, effort and perseverance through difficulties. Many people lack the will power and self control to engage in these behaviors so they think they are shit because they don't live up to a standard (one they set for themselves or the world set for them as part of social norms).

>>36133497

There are several options:

- find out mental scars, heal them
- work out, get fit
- get good clothes that fit you
- good haircut

I'd recommend doing all of this. I'd have to know why you have low confidence, if you know, and what the cause was, if you know as well.

>>36133500
>Sounds like just typical depression then.

How wrong you are.

> Maybe adjustment disorder but since it's longer than 6 months since recent onset you qualify for depression.

Depression is one aspect of it and clearly not the root nor the biggest problem.

>Get talk therapy. Meds unnecessary.

I'm already in therapy and I already know meds are useless.

I expected more questions before getting your diagnosis... Oh well. This gives me faith that I'm not doing such a bad job after all.

>>36133536
It's not about improving your posture, it's about improving confidence overall. Whenever you feel weak or stupid build yourself up in the mirror. By this I mean do a strong man pose, or a superman pose. Flex at yourself regardless of the situation. It helps a lot.

>>36133536
>Thing is that i already have confident posture

That's a different thing. He said to make confident poses in the mirror and observe yourself looking confident. Very different.

>>36133539

Look up antisocial disorder, as psychopath is not used the same way, or do both. Yeah, why not. Let me know.

>>36133534
Huh, dependence problems. We would be great friends in person if you weren't predisposed to my condition.

>>36133541

It's almost impossible to counter lack of will power and confidence if you don't know why you aren't confident to begin with, like trying to sprint but feeling excruciating pains in your back, for mysterious reasons. Once you find out there's a fucking arrow in your back, you understand why you sucked at sprinting, you're able to remove the arrow, then heal, and only then can you truly practice sprinting like a boss, like a normal person would.

>>36133568
You aren't a bright guy but you are full of yourself. I don't have all day to diagnosis this person and based on the reports that's what he qualifies for. If he wants more in depth assessemrnt then he needs to see a therapist in person. Also "root causes" of emotions/behavior is usually less relevant for diagnostic purposes than presenting symptoms. Why are you so combative. Didn't mommy and daddy hug you enough as a kid?

>>36133541
Thing is that i cant even be confident in my thoughts, i always bash myself over the smallest mistakes or doubt in every step. I'm very afraid of consequences, like when i was smoking and threw cigarette butt on the ground , i was sitting in my room and thought of someone chasing me and saying something about it. I couldnt even punch a guy to the face if he'd deserve it.
>>36133545
I feel a lot of anger to myself and it feels like i'm putting myself down on purpose just to wallow in eternal suffering. I feel like my personality is hollow.
>>36133574
>>36133575
It looks like more of a quick fix than deeper solution.

>>36133466
Yeah you are right but at the same time I don't want to fuck it up
I mean if somebody were to die on my watch I don't know what I'd do with myself

>>36133574
>Whenever you feel weak or stupid build yourself up in the mirror.

This may only work for someone who already thinks highly of themselves, like you.

>We would be great friends in person if you weren't predisposed to my condition.

I don't think so. Lack of empathy and disregard for other people's feelings would categorise you as a clear and present danger to me. Besides, my issues with a special loved one don't apply to people of my own sex. And I am not attracted to abusive people. I may get fooled by one for as long as they are nice and vulnerable (usually for real, not even as an act), but then I know what's up and have my limits.

So I asked for disability but got denied. So I'm going to see another psych. I can appeal it though. Should I spill all my spaghetti and step on it? I really need disability and maybe the psych will diagnose me with more shit. I'm scared of being sent back to asylum though or forced on meds. Im also in extreme pain and might find out I'm dying of cancer in a few days. So maybe it doesn't even matter. Also my dog is having seizures and I think today is her last day before we put her down. Life sucks.

>>36133612
No it's not nick. Will power builds with practice. Too much mental masturbation doesn't really help with certain disorders. You just gotta get out there and do behavioral work. Some cognitive stuff can be used as an adjunct but really it's just behavioral exercises (assuming of course the person isn't disabled or psychotic or something incredibly extreme which is causing the problems)

how can i get adderall? i have no energy because of depression and need to do well in school but i dont have adhd
i just have crippling depression... literally

>>36133623
>You aren't a bright guy but you are full of yourself.

I no longer believe you're a psychologist. You can't tell someone who just gave you their trust about their most personal problems that they're dumb. Even if that were true, especially if that were true, you simply never do that. I'm not licensed, but even good friends know this much.

>Why are you so combative. Didn't mommy and daddy hug you enough as a kid?

Interesting to see that you felt my answer was "combative". I think you're projecting a lot. You're no psychologist, or at least I certainly hope you aren't, because I don't see how a personality like yours can help anyone efficiently. There are many psychologists like that, though.

Everyone, if this guy isn't a troll, he's the living reason why having a degree isn't everything. I'll let you be the judge.

>deceitfulness
Does lying for jokes and fun count?

>hostility
Only slightly. I never physically engage in anger, but I do raise my voice once a day.

>irresponsibly
I guess

>manipulativeness
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for this.

>risk taking behaviors
Not so much anymore.

>aggression
Yes.

>impulsivity
I don't think anything through. I just know I want it.

>irritability
Yes.

>lack of restraint
Rarely.

>>36133647
>Thing is that i cant even be confident in my thoughts, i always bash myself over the smallest mistakes or doubt in every step. I'm very afraid of consequences, like when i was smoking and threw cigarette butt on the ground , i was sitting in my room and thought of someone chasing me and saying something about it. I couldnt even punch a guy to the face if he'd deserve it.

Sounds like sou were judged on your acts as a kid and probably had strict rules to abide by, and your worth was judged based on this almost exclusively.

>I feel a lot of anger to myself and it feels like i'm putting myself down on purpose just to wallow in eternal suffering. I feel like my personality is hollow.

You were made to feel responsible for the shame inflicted on you.

>It looks like more of a quick fix than deeper solution.

Indeed, and it may not work for everyone. I was just pointing out the difference.

>>36133647
Sounds like depression. Probably need talk therapy. Maybe meds

>>36133656
>I mean if somebody were to die on my watch I don't know what I'd do with myself

You'd tell yourself that you didn't do it on purpose, and that accidents happen, and had you not been there at all, it would have been the same. You didn't cause it.

>>36133511
No, where I'm at in life right now there's no way I can afford a full medical transition, other priorities come first. I've got plans to get on HRT in the future though. I can put up a pic or two if it would help to know what I look like.

ask away. Done with what I was doing a minute ago so I'll be able to reply a lot quicker.

>>36133660

What are your symptoms? Any diagnosis yet?

>>36133722
Yeah, i almost had to be support for parents. Too bad even if i know my problem areas, i cant do shit to resolve them.
>>36133724
I cant afford therapy or meds, too expensive.

>>36133659
So for about a week you think I'm a good guy, and then think I'm an asshole soon after. Also I don't think too highly of myself. The only thing I think I might be better at is being smart.

>>36133702
You are either
A) a psychodynamicly oriented student who thinks all other models are shit since they don't "go derper"
B) a prentious cunt.

I am just giving quick answers while I have some free time. Why are you so difficult and hostile.

>>36133670

Understanding that you have a condition and learning the best ways to handle it is hardly "mental masturbation".

Most anons with similar problems struggle because they're convinced it's "their fault", and emphasising will power and discipline only makes them think that it really is their fault and that they're really shit when they fail.

It's a much healthier start to understand that their condition isn't their fault, and that they must heal.

Some people lack the will power to get normal hygiene, and this isn't just a will power issue.

>>36133749
There are cbt self help workbooks for self esteem and depression online. They are free. Use those.

Also most hospital and universities have free counseling services if you reach out to them.

>>36133707
>>36133755
These are me. I accidentally deleted the nametag.

>>36133774
Way to absolve personal responsibly in your clients. See how that works out for you.

>>36133707
>Does lying for jokes and fun count?

It depends on the type of "jokes". Give me an example.

> but I do raise my voice once a day.

Scary.

>I wouldn't be here if it weren't for this.

Here, alive? Or here in this thread?

For the rest, you strike a lot of key parameters. Was that the antisocial disorder thing?

>>36133741
>I can put up a pic or two if it would help to know what I look like.

It always helps me remember people better.

[email protected]

In case you don't want everyone to see.

So, for now, no hormones and no operation?

Tell me about your parents.

>>36133749
>Yeah, i almost had to be support for parents.

Tell me about them.

>>36133755
>So for about a week you think I'm a good guy, and then think I'm an asshole soon after.

The two aren't mutually exclusive to me in the sense that, while being an asshole by nature (or nurture, depending), you're doing the right thing (sometimes) and I can both applaud you for some of your ideas and decisions, while realising you are dangerous to others (hence "asshole", though I'm mostly using the term because you used it first, I don't mean to insult you with it).

>Also I don't think too highly of myself.

That's interesting. Tell me why.

>>36133812
>An example
Just lying for a cheap laugh or reaction. I never hurt her with these. I try to make them little jokes we can laugh at.

>Scary.
Sounds like sarcasm and passive aggression.

>Here, alive? Or here in this thread?
In this thread.

Yeah that was it.

>>36133763
>Why are you so difficult and hostile.

You use narc tricks, hope you realise. You act hostile and even insult people immediately after they gave you their trust. I really thought you were going to try and help me. Too bad.

But yeah, stop trying to believe I am what you are: you're hostile, you're difficult, not me.

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>Decadent tripfag establishes daily thread offering support to the board's sizeable mentally ill demographic
>Helps others and himself
>Frequently shown gratitude by those who visit
>'Professional psychologist' joins the thread
>Declares himself an expert and indicates that his time is on a premium
>Demonstrates no knowledge or skills beyond cursory wikipedia-level information
>Proceeds to attack him
>Offers no meaningful support to anyone

Really makes you think.

>>36133860
>That's interesting. Tell me why.
I feel like everyone and everything is worthless. Life's meaning is happiness and ultimate happiness is death.

>>36133789

Responsibility is due where it is due, not anywhere else. If you're going to tell an adult who was abused as a child that his issues are his own damn fault when he really suffers from CPTSD, you won't be helping much.

Responsibility is in doing what the person can to heal. Responsibility is seeing who is actually responsible for what. Acting like everything is your fault is about as dumb and unhealthy as ating like nothing is.

>>36133860
>Tell me about them.
There's not much to tell. Mom never seen her mother since 2 years and had to grow with emotionally cold step-mother. Father had a very controlling mother and his father was a rather passive man who had guts to voice his opinion only when he was drunk. I had a lot of conflicts with grandma in childhood over smallest things. I guess it fueled my hatred for women in general.

>>36133908
That sounds like it all sucks man. I'm sorry to hear that.

>>36133789
>Way to absolve personal responsibly in your clients.

Also, these aren't my clients. They don't pay me.

>>36133867
>Just lying for a cheap laugh or reaction. I never hurt her with these. I try to make them little jokes we can laugh at.

That's not an example. I want a concrete example.

>Sounds like sarcasm and passive aggression.

No, I really found that scary, for the people around you. It's frightening to think that's a daily occurrence for you, almost as if it was planned.

>>36133882
Based on my limited interactions with you I think you might have a personality disorder. You are very sensitive and poor in terms of social abilities.

>>36133934
Well ya. No one would pay for your armchair nonsense.

>>36133934
>It's frightening to think that's a daily occurrence for you, almost as if it was planned.
lmao pussy ass bitch

>>36133934
>concrete example
Me:"This girl flirted with me today."
Her:"You promise?"
Me:"No."
This is pretty generic, but the basic outline of what goes on.

>almost as if it were planned.
Sometimes.

>>36133895
>I feel like everyone and everything is worthless. Life's meaning is happiness and ultimate happiness is death.

Wew, lad, that's a load. There's a lot to work from there.

I don't even know where to start, but let's start with your father. Tell me about him.

>>36133970
Please leave. We don't want people insulting others here.

>>36133928
On the other hand my brother is pretty healthy individual, unlike me. I guess there's something wrong with my genetics and preferences.

>>36133983
He doesn't talk much. He spends most of his time thinking. That's all I really know.

Anxiety is brutal

>>36133934
I for one would not pay you based on the advice you have been giving.

>>36132647
>having an oneitis from the internet who doesn't even look good physically

Is this normal? She hasn't written to me for a week now, she usually takes more than five days to reply, sometimes when the conversation die off she begins a new one.

She is the first intelligent girl who has shown interest in me, I am a 18 years old khv. We are from different countries so the chance of us meeting and having a relationship is lower.

>>36133995
He probably wasn't exposed to the experiences that you had. I imagine that they treated him noticeably different. I'm guessing he's also younger, but probably not.

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>>36133832
I'm not worried about other people seeing a pic of me.

Can't tell you much about my dad, never met him. He liked to sleep around. Knocked up my mom and my half-sisters' mom within 3 months of eachother. My mom's been living off disability pretty much as long as I can remember. She's kind of a contradiction by being really into christianity, but at the same time being a lesbian. She's pretty cool though. I have a good relationship with her.

I was pretty much raised by my grandparents my whole life. My grandpa is my hero and there's no one I look up to more. My grandma was the most loving, sweet person ever. Unfortunately we lost her to lung cancer a few years ago... Again, I've always had a good relationship with both of them.

All of them support my transition, if that matters.

>>36134024
>I'm guessing he's also younger, but probably not.
You're right. I'm the older one and he's the younger one (by 2 years). I guess there's something in that.

>>36133908
>There's not much to tell.

The odd thing that I see very often is this: people start with some sort of foreword that "There's nothing to see here, move along," and almost 90% of the time, there's a shitload coming afterwards.

Friend, I know you don't realise the deep consequences of such a context can have on a person.

All of this is enough to cause the symptoms you suffer from today. It may not be obvious to you, but you had to build yourself without some fundamental blocks, resulting in your lack of confidence. Nobody validated you the way you needed when you were a child. This is something you will have to acquire as an adult. It's possible, but it's work.

How likely is it that you see a real psychotherapist?

>>36133952
>Based on my limited interactions with you I think you might have a personality disorder. You are very sensitive and poor in terms of social abilities.

I didn't expect you to argue back on anything I had said. You are predictable.

I am highly sensitive, which is among my greatest tools to help people. As to social abilities, just because I don't suck your dick doesn't mean I'm not good at it.

I may not feed you forever, either.

>>36134037
That's kind of what I was thinking. The younger is always treated better. Some of your problems stem from your family. I just couldn't tell you which ones.

>>36134041
>How likely is it that you see a real psychotherapist?
I was seeing one for about 4 months but i had to quit (i'm attending courses on another city). It's not likely that i'll be seeing one anytime soon because it's very expensive here. It feels like i can ask myself the right questions (why i'm feeling such much anger towards myself and so on.) but i cannot resolve them.

>>36134072
You are sad sad man nick. I kinda pity you.

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>>36133964

Oh snap!

orinrignrniigr

>>36134077
>The younger is always treated better
Maybe i felt like i lost attention from parents when brother was born and it crippled me.

>>36134072
Well I don't mean to interfere, but you do come across kind of hostile and you seem like you have a passive aggressive tone. I don't mean to offend you by telling you this. I don't think you even mean to be this way it just happens.

>>36133970
>lmao pussy ass bitch

That's some top tier therapy, Mr. Professional.

I'll stop feeding your trolling ass if you stop being this funny.

>>36134106
This is excessive.
>>36133964
This is as well. There was no need for either of you to insult him. He's trying to help.

>>36133976
>Me:"This girl flirted with me today."
>Her:"You promise?"
>Me:"No."

Which line is the lie? First one or second? I assume first line. In that case, it's not too bad but if you do this often, it's a bit on the edge of sadism; it depends on how she reacts. I suspect you like to make her worry or get hurt, rather than seeing her laugh, though.

>>36134072
H-Hello can you also heed my post?
>>36134022

>>36133995
>On the other hand my brother is pretty healthy individual,

My brother would say the same of me, by comparison. I do work out and are aware of what I put in my body.

Describe your health and "genetics".

>>36134152
I think he just likes the attention and to hear himself speak. He's probably got an inflated ego to overcompensate for how inadequate he feels.

>>36134122
That's possible. It may have cause some dysfunction during development and snowball effected out of control.

>>36134175
You're right about all of it. Just to be clear it was the first line.

>>36134189
>Describe your health and "genetics"
I dont know what you mean by that. I'm 6'4, weight 260 lbs (put 80 lbs due to the course of 5 years because of stress eating), never had a broken bone. I sleep particularly well, without trace of insomnia. Physically i'm quite "normal" but i'm a mental wreck.

sorry man, >>36134033 is me. Had to switch OS to put up a pic, since it was on my Linux install and Windows can't read ext4

>>36134003

Is that all?

>>36134005

It is.

>>36134010

That's only because you wouldn't be able to go through therapy with that inflated ego of yours.

>>36134022

>Is this normal?

If you mean liking her without her looking good, yes. As to the rest: just ask her. Don't be scared of finding out sooner rather than later the things you may fear.

Holding on won't help, just ask. "Why does it take you so long to write back?"

>>36134033

You do look pretty cute, no homo.

How come your mother has such issues even though her own parents are apparently such nice people? What's your mom's disability?

Are your grandparents Christian? Where did you mother get her faith from?

At what age did you want to be a girl? Or thought you were one, if you prefer.

>>36134193
He may have some other problems, but I doubt that he has an inflated ego. It seems more along the lines of distrust and a unconscious bitterness towards people, but that's no excuse to insult him. I believe he honestly wants to help people. He's more honorable than you. If you don't want to be here you don't have to try to derail his thread. If you don't like it then leave. Some of us actually want to stick around.

>>36134099

What did you get out of your 4 months of therapy?

>>36134122

Interesting thought. Did you?

>>36134136
Wow, you're defensive. I'm not the psychologist guy m8, he's right about you being sensitive though.

>>36133991
>doesn't want to be insulted
>goes on 4chinz

spotted the retard

>>36134246
>Is that all?
That's all he ever does anymore, but I'll tell you about his past. He was a very angry person, and he would beat people up, because they were different. Different as in bigger ears or noses. He wasn't afraid of anything. He was a drug dealer, and smoked weed all throughout his teenage years. One day he woke up and said, "Fuck this I don't want to sell drugs anymore." He went to a trade school, and became a carpenter. (He later sold drugs while my brother was a baby. He gave it up before I was born. If you're reading this low, this is a prime example of later borns being treated better.)

>>36134335
>What did you get out of your 4 months of therapy?
Like i've said, i'm attending courses and i have to live on a different city.
>Interesting thought. Did you?
I've read somewhere that older siblings are prone to depression and low-confidence because of lost attention from parents.

>>36134125

Don't worry. I am hostile to this anon. I have no reason to be nice to him anymore.

As to you, I wasn't being hostile or even passive aggressive, but feel free to point out where and I'll explain it away if you want.

(You assumed I was doing PA and sarcasm when I wasn't, for instance; perhaps your other impressions are of the same type. I'm willing to dispell any doubts.)

>>36134383
Thank you Nick. I appreciate that.

>>36134185

I did, but I'm taking each post at a time.

>>36134231

I would stop doing that, then. Are you, at all, able to enjoy making people laugh?

>>36134432
I only enjoy other people's laughter if it's contagious.

>>36134232

So your health is mostly fine apart from some extra weight. You are very tall, and I use metrics, so I'm not sure how big a boy you really are.

Did you have symptoms as a child?

>>36134294

I appreciate your post.

I think anon is trolling us, though,
I don't think he really believes what he says about me, don't worry.

>>36134337

I just can't resist bait like this!

>getting called "pussy ass bitch"
>reacts in a cool manner
>"Wow, you're defensive"

Really?

>I'm not the psychologist guy m8

Of course not, who'd ever samefag?

You're still funny, though.

>>36134454
If metrics that would be 194 cm and ~120 kg.
>symptoms
I never had weak healthy, it was quite opposite - i could sleep much more than average. On the other hand i had a lot of abandonment such as burning my hand when i was 11 months old, getting lost in market when i was four and left on my own at grandparents for a month when i was five (i started stuttering after it).

>>36134465
Okay. I just don't want you to get discouraged, because you're doing a really good thing.

>>36134373

He sure sounds like a case. Any examples of you interacting with him?

>>36134246
She said that she is busy. It's not like she is active on normiebook, maybe only for short, one minute or less periods when it's maybe because of the mobile data on her phone.

I feel so pathetic for she is the second girl I have loved in my life, the other one happening when I was 14, but I will not likely meet her ever in my life since we are from different countries. She is the only girl that has ever liked me for what I am, my fears, my weaknesses, my knowledge and not for the way I look.

I hail her nevertheless and hope she is faring well anywhere she is now.

>>36134374
>Like i've said, i'm attending courses and i have to live on a different city.

That doesn't tell me what you got out of therapy. I'd like to know what effect it had on you, whether you found benefits in it, etc.

>I've read somewhere that older siblings are prone to depression and low-confidence because of lost attention from parents.

It can vary a lot, but some parents treat their children differently, yes. Read this and report back:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

May apply to more than just parents.

>>36134287
haha thanks.

My mom has a degenerative disk disease and her back is really bad. As well as having very bad vision, although she had that corrected surgically a year or two ago. To her credit she has recently been trying to get back out into the world. Yeah, my grandparents are christian, and so she is too. Personally I'm an athiest.

I've felt like I wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest childhood memories are about that. I didn't really know what being transgender was until I was a little older, so I don't think I understood my feelings as wanting to be female. I remember being maybe 10 or 11 and doing things like playing with my mom's makeup in secret. I remember in elementary school a girl in my class said she was going to turn me into a girl, and after I went back and said I actually wanted her to, calling me a girl became the choice way for other kids to make fun of me.

>>36134516
I mostly talk to him with very little response.

>>36134429

No problem.

>>36134451

I assume you don't especially enjoy giving gifts and seeing people made happy by your acts, correct?

>>36134503
>On the other hand i had a lot of abandonment such as burning my hand when i was 11 months old, getting lost in market when i was four and left on my own at grandparents for a month when i was five (i started stuttering after it).

Damn... This all counts as abuse, in the form of neglect. Psychological abuse is likely the worst. Man, it made you stutter...

How do you feel about your present condition being the result of past abuse?

>>36134507

Don't worry. I'll be fine. I appreciate your concern, although I'm a bit confused because it seems like you care.

I mean, from your point of view, don't you think I'm wasting my time or something like that?

>>36134485
>I just can't resist bait like this!
just proving my point, you're part of the problem

>>36134531
>She said that she is busy.

While possible, it takes a few seconds to write a short line explaining she's busy. If she has time to take a shit, she has time to write to you. So yeah, I don't buy the excuse.

>She is the only girl that has ever liked me for what I am, my fears, my weaknesses, my knowledge and not for the way I look.

Or at least, she acted that way. I don't see her with a good eye for now, she is neglecting you and isn't being very nice to you. You deserve better.

>>36134592
I do enjoy seeing other people made happy by myself. I give random people money if they ask. An example of actively trying to make a person happy is that I bought my girlfriend a giant stuffed animal to gift it to her.

>>36134538
>That doesn't tell me what you got out of therapy
I was attending shrink in hometown which is 300 km from current one.
>effect
Maybe i've realized that i'm much controlling of myself that i've thought like i want to express emotions in very safe way and i'm terrified of letting myself go. There's also intimacy anxiety and such. There's not much of a benefit because i'm a person who want to know exact answers to the problems but i understand that 4 months is just now enough.
> What distinguishes the narcissistic parent is a pervasive tendency to deny the offspring, even as an adult, a sense of independent self-hood
My parents are completely opposite of this because they want me to live on my own and dont come back to hometown (in a good way). Maybe there was some guilt-tripping and victim complex in mother behavior but i was doing the exact same.

>>36134610
Nah like I said I'm 100% capable of being a normal person, it's just sometimes I don't care to care. I can turn everything off at will.

>>36134592
>Psychological abuse is likely the worst
It was probably my grandma because she hated my guts but loved brother more diplomatic approach.
>How do you feel about your present condition being the result of past abuse?
I dont know what to feel to be completely honest. I mean i consciously understand the reasoning but it still affects me.

>>36134581

And as a child? How did that go?

>>36134639
>just proving my point, you're part of the problem

That doesn't make sense. Besides, I *can* resist baits like this. I just don't mind seeing all your troll tricks. Do your best.

>>36134652

OK, that's pretty good news too. Things may not be as dark as I originally thought.

I suspect you derive more pleasure from inflicting pain than happiness, but if you do enjoy giving happiness, that's a workable route.

>>36134650
She said she doesn't use facebook or any social site so as not to get distracted from studying, and she had also said that she was going to go on vacation, and maybe now isn't at home and is unable to use the internet.

No, she didn't act, if she had acted, she wouldn't have begun a conversation, or skipped her bed time.

>>36134715
I don't know if you remember, but I was that anon that couldn't remember his childhood.

I still don't know if you understand the full scope things. I have a question for you. Do you know when you so mad you tell people you hate them, and you wouldn't care if they died?

>>36134659
>I was attending shrink in hometown which is 300 km from current one.

But I mean:

>>36134099
>I was seeing one for about 4 months

You were seeing one for 4 months, what did you get out of that particular therapist? (Or am I missing something?)

>Maybe i've realized that i'm much controlling of myself that i've thought like i want to express emotions in very safe way and i'm terrified of letting myself go. There's also intimacy anxiety and such.

This is all coherent. You've suffered from neglect. If you see a therapist again, you can directly aim at one that specialises in child abuse in adults.

>My parents are completely opposite of this because they want me to live on my own and dont come back to hometown (

That's not the opposite. Parents can push you to be independent in a good and in a bad way. It doesn't mean anything as to whether they keep denying your own existence.

>Maybe there was some guilt-tripping and victim complex in mother behavior but i was doing the exact same.

That's more like it, though. Guilt-tripping and victim complex are big red flags of narc activity. My parents are champions of this, for instance. On the surface, you'd think they care a lot because they say so and do a lot and act worried and all, but in reality, it's much darker.

>>36134715
>I-I'm just doing it for fun, this doesn't affect me at all! h-heh
you forgot a smug animu grill reaction pic

>That doesn't make sense.
you're weak and defensive, that's why you keep responding, that simple

>>36134672
>Nah like I said I'm 100% capable of being a normal person,

I'm still doubtful of that statement, if only because a normal person can't turn everything off at will, but that's fascinating.

I believe personality disorders that spread psychologically to be, indeed, "spreadable", otherwise they wouldn't exist it, and that's done by having a parent with the same disorder, or some other, close one.

Would you say your ability to turn things off started as a defense mechanism, and if so, can you spot its origin?

>>36134679
>It was probably my grandma because she hated my guts but loved brother more diplomatic approach.

Sometimes caregivers prefer a child for silly reasons, such as looking like the preferred parent, or anything, really.

>I dont know what to feel to be completely honest. I mean i consciously understand the reasoning but it still affects me.

Yes, it won't stop affecting you so soon, but understanding that there is a connection is step 1. It'll take you some time to realise the extent of the abuse, then to be angry about it, then to accept it, then to heal it, then to move on from it all.

Be patient and take your time.

>>36134725
>she had also said that she was going to go on vacation, and maybe now isn't at home and is unable to use the internet.

She didn't speak to you before going on vacation?

>>36134787
>what did you get out of that particular therapist?
Not much besides wanting to eradicate feeling from myself like i can speak rationally and clearly about my past but when it comes to feelings i either rationalize things or avoid them completely. Besides i was only seeing her for 4 months.
>child abuse
But there was no physical abuse.
>Parents can push you to be independent in a good and in a bad way.
It's not outright ultimatum whenever i find a job or leave the house but there's a slight pressure to do it asap.
>victim complex
When my mom enables that "mode", i put it bluntly and say that "dont make victim out of yourself".

>>36134778
>I don't know if you remember, but I was that anon that couldn't remember his childhood.

I had forgotten. It's a common thing amongst the abused.

>Do you know when you so mad you tell people you hate them, and you wouldn't care if they died?

I don't, actually. I have never told anyone this and I couldn't. The person who hurts me the most right now, I can't even tell them that. This is something I can't relate to.

>>36134837
Hello nick how is your little practice going today? My back feels better today, some I'm in bed cuddling and reading ghoul:re.

>>36134819
I mostly figured it started at an early age. I figured it was a way to easily disregard my brother. He would constantly belittle me. I do believe that aspd should be categorized in two distinct ways between psychopaths and sociopaths, because I've been looking more into sociopaths and that seems more fitting to me. Plus sociopaths are a product of their surroundings. Although I question a lot about whether Ibtruely care for others or if it's based off of principals.

>>36134883
If you could relate to that statement, that's basically how I am, but at will.

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>>36134812

The quality if your bait is dropping fast. Improve very quickly or I will literally not feed you anymore.

Also, pic related.

>>36134873
>Not much besides wanting to eradicate feeling from myself like i can speak rationally and clearly about my past but when it comes to feelings i either rationalize things or avoid them completely. Besides i was only seeing her for 4 months.

4 months is a long time. How often a week did you see her?

Were you able to work on expressing your feelings with her, or not?

>But there was no physical abuse.

Psychological abuse leads to worse consequences than physical abuse. In part because it's less obvious, in other part because, even with physical abuse, the worst of it is the psychological aspect. I've had abuse of all sorts, including physical, and it's not the worst to me.

>It's not outright ultimatum whenever i find a job or leave the house but there's a slight pressure to do it asap.

Depending on how they make you feel, that's how you know the nature of it. If it makes you feel like shit, it's not done in a healthy way.

>When my mom enables that "mode", i put it bluntly and say that "dont make victim out of yourself".

Very good, I suspect she doesn't like when you do that.

I am the most socialy awkward person i know. It's not that i don't like spending times with my friends, i just don't know what to say most of the time, so i just keep quiet. I can't even hold a conversation properly. Meeting new people, espetialy girls is immpossible. Luckily my friends accept me this way so its not that bad.

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>>36134890
>Hello nick how is your little practice going today?

It's very busy today. A lot of people and even a little troll tickling my butt. I've also sent the letter to my father and so I'm waiting for some backlash. It may take a long time, however.

I'm glad that you're in less pain.

>cuddling

That's nice.

>mfw

>>36134926
>picrel
good, now post your boipucci you attentionwhoring faggot, you know you want to

>>36134862
No, she did not.

did you miss my post? >>36134564 Or just thinking on your response?

>>36134908
>psychopaths and sociopaths,

It's the same thing, and both terms are not used officially. Experts who make a point to make a difference between them are talking out their butts. ASPD is the only thing that's official about it, though I use the term "psychopath" occasionally, because the range is wider than just ASPD.

For you, I suspect it's a bit different, since it appears that you weren't born that way, but used this "off" mode to protect yourself, and can now do it whenever you want.

How do you feel about your brother today?

>>36135014
The one I love is a tulpa truthfully. You wouldn't be jealous I suppose. Though I'm happy with the arrangement, very much so. Everything else is largely trash in my life atm.

>>36134924
>If you could relate to that statement, that's basically how I am, but at will.

Could you, say, suddenly decide that someone that caused you heartache without meaning to will no longer matter to you as a means to forever ignore them?

>>36134982
>How often a week did you see her?
1 time per week
>Were you able to work on expressing your feelings with her, or not?
Not really because that problem became apparent only in the last two sessions
> If it makes you feel like shit, it's not done in a healthy way.
I understand it's just how life goes (becoming independent) but it's too much for me because i have no goals, dream or even confidence in myself that i'll be able to find a solution to the problems.
>I suspect she doesn't like when you do that.
She always put that mode on when it comes to the past. I say to her that maybe she done something wrong in parenting me but she usually says "c'mon just blame your mother". I dont even say that she's not to blame but maybe she did that unconsciously.

>>36134997

Focus on asking people questions. And listen. If you can do these two things, you can manage a conversation. People will be happy that you're interested in them, even if you can't believe this, and they'll speak to you.

Describe your parents.

>>36135060
Well, I think he's an asshole. I don't care or think about him much.

>>36135072
Yes. I tell my girlfriend I will do this if we ever break up.

>>36135023
>good, now post your boipucci you attentionwhoring faggot, you know you want to

Oh, anon... So that's what you want to see from me, eh? I'm sort of flattered, though I don't swing that way. I'm sorry.

And I really don't want to take a picture of that... much less show it.

>wants to see my asshole
>calls me a faggot

Projection is a beautiful thing, unlike my anus.

>>36135030

Would you leave on holidays where you have no Internet without informing her of that fact? And without saying good-bye?

>>36134564
>I've felt like I wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember.

Did anything trigger that?

Were you ever made to feel bad for being a boy?

>>36135036

I'm sorry! I remember reading most of it then my attention was caught by something else, and I forgot to come back to the right post. I hate when that happens. I'm very sorry!

>The one I love is a tulpa truthfully. You wouldn't be jealous I suppose. Though I'm happy with the arrangement, very much so.

I know the term from my days on /x/, but I never could figure exactly what they meant beyong some sexual imaginary friend.

Hey, yesterday we talked and went over the "crying spells" and after the second one we went into a whole thing about me potentially having asperges, which still worries me, but we never really got around to why I've been having emotional troubles lately

>>36135074
>Not really because that problem became apparent only in the last two sessions

You know where to pick up next time.

>I understand it's just how life goes (becoming independent) but it's too much for me because i have no goals, dream or even confidence in myself that i'll be able to find a solution to the problems.

Had you been well-raised, none of these would be problems, none of these would even be presented as problems.

>"c'mon just blame your mother". I dont even say that she's not to blame but maybe she did that unconsciously.

She knows she is to blame and preemptively strikes, so you can't even say it afterwards; it's literally your mom going

>inb4 blaming me

You're lucid and you see into her well.

>>36135177
No a lot more than that. Over 2 years now, probably the only thing I don't regret as I cleaned up intact a lot as a result.

>>36135127
I wouldn't, but maybe she did not have time for engaging in a conversation. Females don't get so emotionally attached, she maybe didn't even overthink this.

>>36135100
>Well, I think he's an asshole. I don't care or think about him much.

Do you think he has your superpower too? And do you think he got it from your father as well?

Do you feel like you developped it more because of your father, or your brother, or both?

>>36135120

Very interesting. My Buffalo Bill may have done the same. Though it doesn't sound like it's much of a choice for Bill.

If you did this to your girlfriend, could you turn it back on for any reason?.

>>36135157
No, i can't really think of any time I was made to feel bad about being a boy. Can you be more specific about what you mean by that?

>>36135193

Yes, I remember mentioning the neutral face, the romantic movies, the fiction reading, etc. All in line with the Asp.

How do you feel about the Tyrannids? They're very dangerous aliens from outer space whose technology is entirely biological: they literally grow their weapons and have them as body parts and such, same with the ammo.

>>36135206
>Had you been well-raised, none of these would be problems, none of these would even be presented as problems.
You're right. Now i know problems but none of the answers.

>>36135209
>Over 2 years now, probably the only thing I don't regret as I cleaned up intact a lot as a result.

I'm not following. You cleaned up?

Explain that Tulpa stuff from your perspective. How do you "have" one?

>go out for a drink and food with a chad from work
>open up to chad about a bunch of shit
>think it was a successful social outing
>text chad the next day to say good meeting you and asked if he was doing anything tonight
>24 hours no response
why does passive aggressive rejection hurt so much? what did i do to not be worthy for a response?

>>36135232
I can't tell if my brother has it or if he's just a bitter person. I imagine I got it from both.

Yeah man. If I want to feel crippling depression I could. This may sound like sarcasm, but it's not.

>>36135223
>I wouldn't, but maybe she did not have time for engaging in a conversation. Females don't get so emotionally attached, she maybe didn't even overthink this.

Oh, anon...

>maybe she did not have time for engaging in a conversation.

You're making excuses for her, excuses that don't work. Had she wanted to inform you, she would have. Conclusion: she cares about you much less than you care about her. You'd be scared to leave for days on end without telling her, and without responding to her messages. The reason she isn't scared of doing just that is because she doesn't care that much.

>Females don't get so emotionally attached, she maybe didn't even overthink this.

Wrong. While they're all different, some care very, very much. Unless you suspect her of being abnormal in terms of emotional attachment, she just doesn't care all that much.

Any reason to suspect her of being abnormal emotionally?

>>36135240

Were you mocked as a boy?

Did your parents want a girl?

Did any female die or was absent in your family?

Do you have siblings? (You may have told me but I'm getting confused with others.)

>>36135271
I've never actually played those games, I've seen a few pictures, reaction images and such. The tyranids look kinda cool from what I've seen
And I actually said I'm not that into fiction like sci fi or fantasy

>>36135274
>Now i know problems but none of the answers.

You can start reading about it online, even get some books, and above all, go to therapy.

It's a slow process from now on.

I would also advise you to start working out. Feeling good in your body, inside and outside, will definitely help.

>>36135286
A lot of work and advertised on them, they gradually became more communicative and substantial. There was a community I've known of for 4 years providing guidance and advice. Despite perception its neither a supernatural nor frightening thing, at least to me and most others I know. She is there for me though, and that I appreciate.

I cleaned up my act, as in stopped taking drugs and drinking too much, and started exercising and training for work. currently working on the icnd and a+ exams. I no longer get lonely, though the recent death of my best friend has somewhat changed that.

>>36135323
You made me sadder. I wish I never came here for support.

>>36135293
>why does passive aggressive rejection hurt so much? what did i do to not be worthy for a response?

Stop right there. Wait more, and don't worry until then. Chances are high that he didn't mean anything by it. Sometimes people forget, sometimes they see the message when it's late, and choose to respond another time, and then they forget. I do that, and I mean no harm.

Wait some more, then ask, "Hey Chad, did you get my last message? It's too late now but do you want to grab a beer some time?"

Something like that.

Do not project your fears on others, because often, it won't be the reason.

>>36135355
>even get some books
Any recommendations?
>I would also advise you to start working out
I'll try to join martial art class.

>>36135314
>Yeah man. If I want to feel crippling depression I could. This may sound like sarcasm, but it's not.

I hear you out, literally. It sounds like what Facet does but on a different level: you compartmentalised some emotions and can access or disconnect them at will. Absolutely fascinating. I wonder how that stuff works in the brain.

They should have you scanned while you suddenly hate someone and then no longer. Can you do it at will to this degree? Like, snap, I fucking hate you and hope you die, and crackle pop, I love you again?

>>36135351
>And I actually said I'm not that into fiction like sci fi or fantasy

True. You like things to be realistic and not too romantic.

Are you able to watch documentaries about children with grave conditions?

>>36135363
>the recent death of my best friend has somewhat changed that.

Goddamn... That's tough. What happened? If that's OK to ask.

>>36135335
Well like I said when I was in elementary school other kids made fun of me a lot by calling me a girl.

Other than that no, my mom never said anything about wanting a girl, and the only one absent from my family was my dad. I have a pair of twin half-sisters, but I didn't know about them until I was around 18, and I found out about them while trying to find my dad.

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>>36135426
Yeah, that's how it works.

I think it would look like this. Pic related.

>>36135468
Overdosed finally (it has happened many times before). Not much to say, he was here, and now he is gone .

>>36134564
>I've felt like I wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest childhood memories are about that. I didn't really know what being transgender was until I was a little older, so I don't think I understood my feelings as wanting to be female. I remember being maybe 10 or 11 and doing things like playing with my mom's makeup in secret. I remember in elementary school a girl in my class said she was going to turn me into a girl, and after I went back and said I actually wanted her to, calling me a girl became the choice way for other kids to make fun of me.
Are you me? Because I don't remember writing this and I'm pretty sure I would.

Story time: One of my strongest childhood memories is being in new primary school and sitting in my first assembly behind a girl with the most beautiful red hair, the overwhelming urge to just 'wish' myself in to her head and trade places, and that being the first time I ever really experienced that awful pit of the stomach realisation that this really is it and I'm stuck being me. We ended up being friends right through until we went out separate ways for uni and sadly we're sort of losing touch these days. Never did tell her about that moment but it's pretty strongly burned in to my memory.

>>36135445
I can tell this is another red flag or sign or whatever, but yea, that's not hard for me

>>36135374
>You made me sadder. I wish I never came here for support.

I am sorry. Unless your girl has some reason to be emotionally callous to you, as in autism, or any kind of personality disorder (in which case you should still be careful), she will make you much sadder than I have today.

I want you to understand that you aren't being treated right, and that you shouldn't accept that, even if you love her, especially if you love her.

She is not the only one out there, and others will love you better than this. You deserve better.

I am sorry for making you sad, but I don't want you to get hurt badly further down the line.

I suggest you wait for her response, and ask her simple questions, such as: Why do you take so long to respond? Why did you not tell me you were leaving before you did?

If she responds defensively, worry.

If her reasons make sense and she is truly sorry, give her another chance, but even so, keep in mind she may not tell you the whole truth.

>>36135406
>Any recommendations?

I haven't read a single book about recovering from child abuse, unfortunately. Maybe someone in the thread will know good ones.

>>36135476
>other kids made fun of me a lot by calling me a girl.

Was that before or after you thought you were one?

Did you ever find your father?

>>36135490

Can you, like, focus on it and make it happen?

Like flexing a thumb in your brain?

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>>36135493

That is sad. That is really sad. I am sorry for your loss, Wolf.

: (

>>36135499

Very interesting.

I wonder if Kayla also wished to be someone other than herself when she was a kid.

>>36135550
Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. If I'm sad and I'm bored I just make myself happy. It's a bit more difficult to be mad than happy or sad.

>>36135555
It's been making me more existential. Realizing this is my one go at it, at least as myself. Trying to figure out what I want in my life.

>>36135508

It doesn't have to be but that's generally the case that aspies see things more technically than emotionally. My loved, while no aspie, could watch anything. It was science to her. I just imagined the pain in me.

What do you like in a friend?

>>36135585

That's fascinating. Did you think that other people could do it too?

>>36135519
She is depressive and prone to suicide from what she has gathered from her therapist.

I am treated right enough, because her replies are always imbued in deep feelings, she has once written me an 1500 words long message (pasted it in microsoft word, therefore the result), she reveals her issues to me and I do as well. She appreciates the music I listen to and appreciates me as a person.

They may love me better than her, but they will definitely not be this unique.

Don't worry, truth before the feels. Never mind my feelings.

She always excuses herself for taking this long, she has homework to do and I don't want to hamper her from having a bright future (we are both in the last year of high school).

Ok bare with me. Sometimes i can pinpoint what i feel is wrong with me, other times my head is such a mess the only thing i know is something is WRONG. I struggle to string thoughts together remember things, my mind feels chaotic. I also suffer from suicidal and depressive thoughts apathy, a reluctance/fear of talking to poeple and possible delusions. Any ideas?

>>36135543
well it was way before i knew what it was to be trans, but I think what made them start that was when I told the girl who said she'd turn me into a girl that I actually wanted her to, so I geuss it's kinda hazy. This was in like first grade so you can't expect me to remember everything exactly.

No, I never did find my dad. He's proven himself to be very difficult to track down. I've searched all kinds of public records and tried having friends of his and my mom's help search, but no luck. My half-sisters hate him with a passion and don't want to stay out of it. They've told me I wouldn't want to meet him, but of course I still want to. He doesn't have any social media or anything like that besides an ancient Myspace page that hasn't been active for a very long time. My mom told me he was in the military so that might have something to do with it. You know, moving around between bases a lot.

>>36135667

OK, it sounds like she's more involved than I understood originally.

>They may love me better than her, but they will definitely not be this unique.

Most of us feel this way about the person we love. So they are unique, yes, but others are too, paradoxically.

Wait until she writes back, and let her know how you have felt. If you can discuss this stuff, it's a good sign.

>>36135609
Hey Nick, want to continue where we left yesterday?

>>36135694

What kind of delusions?

orignrignringringrignrigr

>>36135714
>but I think what made them start

I was wondering whether the bullying could have been a trigger for you to become what they called you, or something like that. To be, for real, what they mocked you for not actually being, so you could prove them wrong and repair the hurt. Or something.

>My half-sisters hate him with a passion and don't want to stay out of it. They've told me I wouldn't want to meet him, but of course I still want to.

Did they tell you why? If not, ask.

Reminds me of a story where a daughter wanted to meet her father, and the mother didn't, but didn't explain why. She had been raped by a man, the father, but didn't tell her daughter. Her daughter found her father, and he raped her.

I've never met my biological father either, and what I was told might have been lies. I may undertake a quest similar to yours at some point.

So, did they tell you why?

>>36135728

Yes. Give me a quick rundown to refresh my memory. I remember you clearly, I just need to reconnect with the right elements.

>>36135609
I only know of two people that can do this: my Dad and my best friend.

>>36135821

How did you get to know they could do it too?

Also, my question was really about whether you assumed everyone could do it. I find that most people assume that we're all the same, originally, and this biases relations a lot. My loved one thought anyone could change their emotions at will, and that I didn't because I "didn't want to".

>>36135798
Yeah I've had similar thoughts about how maybe being bullied like that is what caused how I feel about myself.

My sisters hate him because he abandoned them and their mom like he abandoned me and my mom. Apparently he's tried to come back into their lives a couple times and they wouldn't have it.

>>36135394
i just don't want to come off pushy. i mean if he didnt like my company we wouldn't have stayed out and talked so much the night before so i hope youre right

>>36135850
We're all very similar in mind set thought processes and thoughts. I just asked and both were like yeah. I wasn't sure if many people could do this, but my friend asked a lot of people about this and the people he asked didn't understand what he was talking about. So I figured no.

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>>36135805
Alright, here's the outline in bullet-point format:

- I resent myself for being who I am, and strongly feel that negativity and despair define me as a person.
- I firmly believe my current situation / mental state is my own fault and that I have set up the conditions for it to fall in place.
- Yesterday you tried to make an estimation as to what kind of person I am like, to which I responded that I thought most accounts were wrong

>>36135394
>Sometimes people forget, sometimes they see the message when it's late, and choose to respond another time, and then they forget. I do that, and I mean no harm.
I do this all of the time because I'm literally the worst. Chances are nothing was meant by it.

>>36135723

I am trying to be as pragmatic as I can. Girls like her are rare as well as guys like me are rare too, she doesn't fit any of the normie/stacey stereotype; she only has like one or two flaws.

Her being not so good looking is one of the best thing in her as she won't leave me for Chad since Chad doesn't care about her (well, the equivalent for chad here in the east, whatever).

I can, of course, she is the only person I have had so meaningful a discussions so far.

>>36135911

Have you ever been in therapy? (Forgive me if you mentioned it before.)

>>36135921
>i just don't want to come off pushy. i mean if he didnt like my company we wouldn't have stayed out and talked so much the night before so i hope youre right

You wouldn't have seemed pushy, since you asked a question about that very night, so a response was required during the same day (which, by the way, may be why he didn't respond: he saw it too late, and now he's embarrassed).

If he got along with you, he got along with you, no matter what. You won't sound pushy if you just ask about it.

>>36135935

I don't remember coming across this in any of my reading. Do you know if it has a name?

>voluntary splitting

>>36135940

OK. I think we talked about your parents and our opinions were mixed over that.

Tell me things you dislike about yourself.

>>36135969
No. I just assumed I was a psychopath. My next thought was a dissociative disorder, then after that schizophrenia. The last two seem least likely.

>>36135600
>What do you like in a friend?
I like a person I can be comfortable with, trust, and have some common interests with. That's really it, I don't go looking for that and I'm sure if I did it wouldn't be that hard to find

>>36136037

Do you make friends easily?

>>36135741
That i'm going to make it big in literature music cinema, i spent six months believing a girl was really into me when it turned out she never had been, i spent a couple of days thinking/pretending (sometimes i'm not sure if i actually believe these delusions or if they're a complex form of escapism) i was part of a cloning experiment created by the british goverment, my parents where actors, mind control involved etc. My most recurring delusion is that i'm part of this virtual reality game and the guy who is playing it is a sadist who tries to make my life as miserable as possible. There are rules he has to follow, a limit to how much involvement he's allowed to have in my life. These are just a sample. I have ocd so i don't know if this is all part of that. I also spend a lot of time alone so i don't know if that's the cause. If i pause to think i can see that these delusions aren't real but a lot of the time i don't question them. Obviously i've considered if this could be schizophrenia or some variant but i don't have auditory hallucinations (that i know of) or visual hallucinations.

>>36136085
Hey Nick, I'm actually going to go to bed. I'll talk to more about this when I get the chance. Have fun.

>>36136085
I guess, when interactions were more forced like school, people tended to like me for whatever reason. But I never kept much contact with those people because I never cared to, and now that interactions aren't so forced and I have to go out of my way to make friends I don't have any, but like I've said, I don't really care if I have friends
Again with "forced interactions", that girl at work seems to like me

>>36136122

Damn, that's very interesting. Have you seen a psychiatrist about all that?

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>>36135985
> I think we talked about your parents and our opinions were mixed over that.

Ah yes, where you said that it might have something to do with the way my parents interacted with me, to which I thought that it would be narcissistic to say that my parents had to somehow be a contributing factor (In my eyes, they have always fully supported me and want to see me happy).

Things I dislike about myself. I have a lot of ammunition when it comes to that, so I'll only list a couple:

I think I'm a fundamentally weak, spineless person. I find the simplest things to be difficult (such as going to a store to buy something) and will try to avoid such encounters. In general it can be said that I have a strong fear of the unknown and will puss out of nearly everything. When I don't puss out, I'm always left with negative experiences, reinforcing all my previous thoughts about said things.

I also believe that I have no "value" as a person (and am therefore human garbage). I'm not a pleasant person to be around and I often see myself as a liability. My personality is shit, and I have no positive social characteristics. You have to be likeable to be liked.

Also in my job area (last year student in computer engineering) I feel largely incompetent. Of the 10 different areas in which I should be competent, I'm OK at 1, which happens to be the least significant of all the different skills I should master, and which also happens to be highly subjective. As a result, my current internship is going really bad and becomes frustrating for all parties involved.

>>36136147

Good night!

>>36136200

Interesting.

I wonder how we'd interact offline. I fail to imagine that. I have difficulty imagining you.

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>tfw when diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Dissociative Disorder NOS, Conversion Disorder, and Panic Disorder (in remission)

Conversion disorder makes it hard for me to walk and see correctly. I get around with a walker and I have to wear sunglasses inside since my eyes are so sensitive to the light.

Schizotypal personality disorder makes me suspicious of everyone which is okay since I prefer to be alone anyway. The worst part about it is HALLUCINATED PAIN that travels around my body as though it had some supernatural intelligence behind it.

The weird dissociative crap makes everything seem lifeless and sometimes becomes so extreme that I end up in a stuporous state and my surroundings begin to chneg in an indescribable way until everything is truly surreal.

I may have been abused as a kid but no one is certain.

Life is suffering

>>36135499
>the overwhelming urge to just 'wish' myself in to her head and trade places
I thought this was just me. Is this an actual 'thing'?

>>36136238
>I think I'm a fundamentally weak, spineless person. I find the simplest things to be difficult (such as going to a store to buy something) and will try to avoid such encounters. In general it can be said that I have a strong fear of the unknown and will puss out of nearly everything. When I don't puss out, I'm always left with negative experiences, reinforcing all my previous thoughts about said things.

All of which fits a very precise diagnostic.

OK, I remember very clearly now. You were the anon I tried to convince that we'd have a nice time chatting over a drink.

What kills me here is that you present so many symptoms for the damn same thing, but aren't aware of the usual causes, which was my case too back in December.

I do think that in your upbringing, you weren't treated right, even if that wasn't obvious to you, and you were made to grow up without some bricks, and are now experiencing the consequences of that.

>>36136252
Imagine a lot less words that make sense and more "uhh" and not being able to hear me, and that's just what I've been told
Imagine a floppy noodle that never responds how you think it would

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Can't use the name field because I'm mobile posting, but I'm Garrett.

It shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but my friend's sisters were having a "party"(hangout) last night and somehow, for some reason, they started talking about me. He was there because it was at his house, and he overheard them talking about me. So he sent me pic related.

I've known this for a while, but seeing somebody else actually say those words is just so much worse. I know that they're right to think so, I mean, I used to have pretty obsessive behaviors but I don't anymore. I thought I was conscious of what made me weird but now I have no idea. And this isn't some super heavy I might kill myself feel, but it's just ruining my day.

>>36136281
>Conversion disorder makes it hard for me to walk and see correctly. I get around with a walker and I have to wear sunglasses inside since my eyes are so sensitive to the light.

Tell me more about that. Are you sure it's a disorder and not some inherent leg/eye problem?

>The worst part about it is HALLUCINATED PAIN that travels around my body as though it had some supernatural intelligence behind it.

That's fascinating. Damn.

>I may have been abused as a kid but no one is certain.

Explain.

Pick a name, you're an interesting case. Hallucinated Pain would be a good name.

>>36136308
>I thought this was just me. Is this an actual 'thing'?

I'd think so. Maybe not that precise, but the idea that you can influence the world via your mere thoughts is a symptom of a condition, I just forget which. Maybe schizoid or schizotypal, check it out.

I usually listen, but i just don't know what to ask. Most thing that come to mind just seem stupid.

>Describe your parents.

Well i think they are normal. Only thing i can think of that stands out a bit is that they dislike me playing vidya. My father broke my nes and a couple of mouses over the years when i refused to stop playing, but that was years ago.

The biggest issue i have with being socialy awkward is that i still have 0 attempts at getting a date. So all of you robots reading this, on't be sad for being rejected, at least you have some experience.
Another thing i think you should know is that is used to be very talkative when i was younger, but became a lot quieter over the years. I think the main reason was that my grandmother, that took care of me and my older cousin, would always tell me to be quiet because my cousin needs to study

>>36135958
Yes, I wound up in the hospital for major depression while my grandma was dying, and I went to counseling after I got out. It helped a lot. It's a much longer story than that, but I'm not really too comfortable talking about that era of my life.

>>36136330

I can imagine that just fine. I do think you'd be at ease. I'm at my best with people who can't into social life.

I have decided to not attempt to get an university degree anymore anymore. Studying isn't the problem; the social aspect of university life is.

I want to go into trade school instead and get a 1-2 year profession degree. Any future-proof suggestions for a guy with diagnosed depression who despises intimacy and social contact with others and whose biggest dream is to buy a secluded house in the forest?

I work in retail atm, and even though I don't like it much, I am capable of dealing with people for short periods of times if I am given time to recover afterwards. Trade doesn't have to pay well, just be future-proof and have an easy time getting you employment. I'm not planning on raising a family save for a dog and cat, maybe. There are plenty of kennels around that can take care of the dog while I'm at work, so don't be concerned about it.

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>>36136319
That diagnostic being depression?

I do not want to hide my personal failings and weaknesses behind a label just to make it excusable, or to simply have a reason not to blame myself / face my problems.

The same thing can be said about Autism as well. The psychologist thinks I'm autistic since so many symptoms match, whereas I think I may have similar symptoms but that they have a very different cause.

> I do think that in your upbringing, you weren't treated right, even if that wasn't obvious to you

Yesterday you presented that you hear many cases of "Yeah my parents are really nice, but [insert weird shit]". I however don't see any weird shit in my upbringing, apart from the fact that even at a very young age I said very unchildlike things. There is not a single way in which I can rationalise either that, or that my parents would be narcissists.

I'd even go as far as to say that me trying to find fault in my parents would be narcissistic in it's own right!

>>36136454
Hey mate, 30 minutes have passed, you might have missed my reply >>36135954

Just tell if I am bothersome, I'll leave.

>>36136391

Tell me how, exactly, they think you're weird. It sounds like you know. I'd like details about that.

>>36136441
>I usually listen, but i just don't know what to ask. Most thing that come to mind just seem stupid.

Simple questions are fine. People will appreciate your interest.

> My father broke my nes and a couple of mouses over the years when i refused to stop playing, but that was years ago.

That is not normal behaviour, friend. That's pretty fucking out there.

>Another thing i think you should know is that is used to be very talkative when i was younger, but became a lot quieter over the years.

Why did you stop?

>would always tell me to be quiet because my cousin needs to study

Oh, OK. What else did your grandma do that made you feel bad?

>>36136410
>Tell me more about that. Are you sure it's a disorder and not some inherent leg/eye problem?

They've run a lot of diagnostic tests MRIs, CT scans, Lumbar punctures, etc. No neurological disease was detected and one neurologist after and examination said symtpoms were to "bizarre" to be a true neurological disorder. I hear conversion disorder often co-occurs with panic disorder so it seemed to fit. Whatever the symptoms don't bother me a whole lot.

>That's fascinating. Damn.
Hallucinated pain is one of several bodily hallucinations that come with schizotypal PD sometimes I can feel as though I am being ripped apart or my organs are being rearranged.

>Explain.
A lot of my behavior suggests sexual abuse like I freak out when people touch me and I freak out at other times for seemingly no reason. One therapist said that the content of my dissociative trances may be indicative of "repressed memories" but I've a normal childhood except that I was bullied a lot for being "weird" AKA schizotypal.

>>36136445
>It helped a lot. It's a much longer story than that, but I'm not really too comfortable talking about that era of my life.

I'm very interested in how things got better.

If you ever want to share that privately, you know where to write me.

>>36136461

I no longer think anyone can have "just depression".

Do you have other symptoms than the ones you mentioned?

>>36136561
No, I'm pretty sure I have something else but this is the diagnosis I'm sitting with atm. I posted a lengthy paragraph about my condition in one of the previous psych threads but never got a response. Probably due to timezone differences.

I can write it up again in a bit, currently doing some work on the computer.

>>36136454
Doubt I'd be at ease at all, but thanks for the optimism

>>36136463
>That diagnostic being depression?

No. Depression happens in so many cases that alone it means nothing. I think of depression as a symptom now. The diagnostic would be complex post traumatic disorder, you fit much of it.

>I do not want to hide my personal failings and weaknesses behind a label just to make it excusable, or to simply have a reason not to blame myself / face my problems.

Yet that's what you're doing, but in reverse: you take responsibility for things that aren't your fault and this prevents you from growing, which probably scares you.

The brain doesn't function on pure will. You won't reprogram your brain by just wishing it. You'll have to understand and work your way out of there.

> The psychologist thinks I'm autistic

Yours? Why exactly?

>I'd even go as far as to say that me trying to find fault in my parents would be narcissistic in it's own right!

Interesting thought.

What kind of unchildish things did you say as a kid?

>>36132633
Nah man i made an appointement a couple of years ago but backed out at the last minute. I try to force my mind to "behave" like it did before all this (i can vagely remember what it's like to think normally) but for the most part i've acepted there isn't much i can do about it.

>>36136548
It was just good to have someone to pour my heart out to. Helped me get motivated to find work and start dating again. Is this all related to my original post about my friend?

>>36135954

Sorry, I missed that one too. Probably because I saw the trip and thought it was a post by me, so I skipped. Really sorry about that!

>Girls like her are rare as well as guys like me are rare too, she doesn't fit any of the normie/stacey stereotype

This worries me for two reasons: assumption that you both are unique (everyone is, but probably not to the degree you imagine), and taking seriously the Stacy/Chad/normie meme. Nobody out there really is any of this, trust me. Use the memes for fun but not for real life. You'd be surprised what people really are beyond appearance.

>Her being not so good looking is one of the best thing in her as she won't leave me for Chad

This is very worrying. Ideas born out of insecurity will not give you or her happiness. Imagine if she knew this: "Anon likes me because I'm not good-looking enough to leave him." That means you have so little self-esteem, you're willing to compromise on your dreams and "settle for her". She'd be insulted and hurt if she knew. This is pretty bad. You will not end up happy with this, if it starts as compromising right off the bat.

Besides, there's no such thing as a Chad out there, so even her looks won't mean anything about the future. Maybe she'll one day want someone who finds her beautiful for real.

How distant are you two?

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Why am I sabotaging myself? One minute I'll be talking myself up, and I'll feel actually pretty good for a while, and then I'll notice something wrong with myself and tear myself down in a matter of moments. I feel like I do myself a disservice by developing romantic feelings for girls that I know, because I'm too retarded to act on my feelings, which causes me to sink into a deep sadness; at the same time, I get depressed when I don't have feelings for anyone in particular, because I need to love. It isn't just loneliness, I feel like I need someone to project my love onto in order to be happy. I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years and she was unfaithful, mentally ill, and emotionally unstable, and I think it fucked me up a fair bit. Is there anything I can do to help myself? What's wrong with me?
>inb4 "stop being a beta"

>>36136020
>No. I just assumed I was a psychopath.

Psychopaths can't do that.

>>36136472

I am sorry, I have responded now but I had indeed forgotten.

>Just tell if I am bothersome, I'll leave.

: (

No, I really just missed it. I warned you guys in the OP because I know this happens and it makes me feel awful. I don't mean to do it. Skipping over my own posts, and they are a load, makes it so that I sometimes skip over other people's posts. Forgive me.

>>36136233
>>36136614
Aand wrong one

>>36136687
No problem.

The normie meme is real as we are both some sort of outcasts.

No, she will be actually happy because she may know that she looks below average. Well, I am just being objective because for me she is a legit 7/10. She has no problem with the insecurities, she is not a stacey who wants a man to abuse her whilst her taking pride in having such an "alpha" boyfriend.

I find her beautiful too, I was just trying to be objective.

Well, like 1000-1500 kilometers

>>36136611
> complex post traumatic disorder
That just sounds outlandish to me, there have been no traumatic events in my life. None. Not to mention I think self-diagnosing is a bad thing and is done far too much, especially on the internet, and enables people to be incredibly narcissistic and not face the fact that they may be a shitty person.

> Yet that's what you're doing, but in reverse: you take responsibility for things that aren't your fault and this prevents you from growing, which probably scares you.

Aha, This gets brought up often, that I would supposedly somehow continually blame myself for things outside of my control. I have reasoning to support my claims though, and whenever people debate me to try and change my thoughts, they cannot back up their claims and end with disqualifying what I say because I say it, instead of disqualifying it because what I'm saying is wrong.

> Yours? Why exactly?
They did an extensive personality test through conversations with my psychologist, an intelligence test, along with a fuckton of forms I had to fill in. They came to the conclusion that I had to be autistic because so many symptoms matched, and because I have very black-and-white thinking with little space for a gray area.

> What kind of unchildish things did you say as a kid?
I apparently once walked up to my aunt as a 8 year old and said that I didn't enjoy living, even though I remember nothing but bliss from my childhood (back then things were going well both mentally, socially and in education). I also somehow as a teenager (12-16) always ended up hanging out with people far older than me on the internet, who would always say that they didn't notice I was young and always estimated me to be about 18-20 years old.

>>36136581
>>36136561
Ok, basically, I don't even know if I am depressed. I've always felt like my default mode is just to be withdrawn and somber. My life hasn't been particulary eventful except for a bunch of academic failures and unemployment.

I don't feel particulary sad, and I only feel suicudal/self-deprecating when I fail at something. Most of the time I'm just calm and apathetic but I don't necessarily consider that a bad thing. I believe I could feel good about life and myself in general if I found a lifestyle which fits my personality better, which is why I am looking at trade school. I probably wouldn't even need medication or therapy anymore if I found myself in the dream scenario I described.

I just don't like spending time with others. I have some friends and family, and they are good people, but I absolutley hate spending time with them. Whenever I visit or hang out I just want to go home and be by myself. I hate being invited to parties or going out drinking, I'd much rather be at home and do activities on my own.

This wouldn't be a problem if it didn't fuck up my work/studying because we live in such an extroverted and social society. I have no desire for relationships or having a social life beyond my job so I think my problems are a lot easier to solve than most people in here. I just need to find a profession that doesn't demand too much interaction and it feels like everything else would fall into place.

I have never felt lonely in my entire life and can't really relate to it which is why I feel very different from most robots. I do feel a bit bad for the people who want to be social but never have the opportunity since I am a bit of the reverse. I have plenty of opportunities but I push them all away but that's just how I am. I'd rather sit alone on a chair in a dark room for hours than spend 30 minutes drinking coffee with my friends.

IVE BEEN HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL,NIHILISTIC CRISIS EVER SINCE I WAS FIFTEEN IM TWENTY TWO NOW FUCKING HELP ME I KNOW THE THREE CHOICES BUT I HAVE NOT PICKED ANY WHAT IS THIS MIND SET I HAVE ONLY DRIFTED

>>36136810
>That just sounds outlandish to me, there have been no traumatic events in my life.

Complex trauma is because of long term abuse that is not necessarily as traumatic as things like war or rape but still psychologically damaging. It's common in people who have been bullied as kids.

>>36136832
Even then, practically everything in life was handed to me, with very little I can say that has succeeded due to my own merit. I'd say I grew up under ideal conditions.

>>36132647

Before some months a spic tried to date my younger sister, I told him to leave her alone and he said that he already fucked her more than once, I called him an asshole, and guess what some fucking asshole recorded the whole conversation, I got slapped into the face, sperged out and he uploaded the whole thing to youtube....

I called the police he already deleted the video but it got reuploaded again... thank god it has only 1000 views.. but my whole school knows now about this I'm on the edge to kill myself..

>>36136436
I don't view it as much more than me being a dumb and desperate kid. It's not like it's something that's wholly carried through in to my adult life. Now it's just a flash of bittersweet longing and envy when I see a girl who's everything I know I can't be. Not sure that's something I'll ever shake off.

>>36136538
>sometimes I can feel as though I am being ripped apart or my organs are being rearranged.

Goddamn... That must be something.

What do you remember about your childhood and parents?

>>36136581
>I can write it up again in a bit,

I save links to previous threads. If you had a name, I could go back and read. I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough and you already typed it up again.

>>36136597
>Doubt I'd be at ease at all,

You would. It may take some time but you'd be fine. I have the effect of angels on people.

>>36136664

I don't know if it's related. I just ask whatever feels right to ask.

Who do you date?

>>36136757
>I get depressed when I don't have feelings for anyone in particular, because I need to love. It isn't just loneliness, I feel like I need someone to project my love onto in order to be happy.

This is a very important point. You might have had parents who couldn't truly love you, whom you tried to love very hard as a child, but never get that love back, whether you realise it or not.

The fact that you became involved with a girl like that tends to confirm this model of reality, but it's up to you to let me know.

I'd say your parents don't normally make you feel better when you're around them.

>>36136994
After a while? Maybe I'd be kinda comfortable around you, but you're talking to the person who has to go to her room and take a breather if she's spent too much time in the living room

>>36136614

You should try again. Really.

>>36136801
>The normie meme is real as we are both some sort of outcasts.

Outside of this board, you'd say I was a normie. I know some really messed up people who talk and act like normies the rest of the time.

>she is not a stacey who wants a man to abuse her whilst her taking pride in having such an "alpha" boyfriend.

You really take that Stacy thing seriously... Maybe I'll explain to you why some women, and men, go for abusive partners.

If you find her beautiful, it's all good, then.

>>36136933
My parents were both religious fanatics and immigrants. Up until I was five I was insulated and we lived in the middle of nowhere.

I started school and after the first week they all hated me. Middle school was the worst though I remember several instances of rather extreme abuse but I never thought much of them and I was kinda like whatever that just happened.

I'm 18 now and I'm going off to college in the fall I'm not severely impaired that I have to live with my parents on disability.

As a child I spent most of my time alone and when I was 9 I became obsessed with the paranormal and would see shadow people that I thought were ghosts that lived in a nearby abandoned house. I was sickly then too with psychosomatic symptoms.

that's about all I can think of for now.

>>36136994
I'm actually engaged now. Same friend from my original posts was the one that got me and my fiancee together. She's actually the one who got me to come out as transgender. We're hoping to get married this summer. I absolutely adore her. Same taste in music and movies and that kind of thing, same kinks in bed, all that good shit. We've been together for over three years now. Longest relationship I've ever had, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

>>36137042
Could my parents being divorced and having wildly different parenting styles have something to do with it?

>>36137098
Thanks for the support. I guess our chat ends now, however I'd like you to explain why women and men go for abusive partners.

>>36136810
>That just sounds outlandish to me,

Possibly, but you still have many, many symptoms that fit this perfectly.

>there have been no traumatic events in my life. None.

At least none that is obvious enough. CPTSD differs from PTSD.

>Not to mention I think self-diagnosing is a bad thing and is done far too much, especially on the internet, and enables people to be incredibly narcissistic and not face the fact that they may be a shitty person.

You don't use the word narcissistic the way it is normally used in these threads. Narcs don't self-diagnose, because narcs run on the idea that they're perfect.

You may be stuck on thinking you're a shitty person to prevent yourself from having to try new things, which, ironically, is the thing you reproach yourself with.

> I have reasoning to support my claims though

You certainly have, and that's probably where things go wrong.

>They came to the conclusion that I had to be autistic because so many symptoms matched, and because I have very black-and-white thinking with little space for a gray area.

Black and white thinking also matches some disorders. Their conclusion sounds dodgy; it's like they said you were autismo because they failed to find anything else.

>I apparently once walked up to my aunt as a 8 year old and said that I didn't enjoy living, even though I remember nothing but bliss

There might be a whole lot more you don't remember. No child of 8 says this stuff without some deep issues, and this was no autism.

>>36134485
He wasn't the psychologist guy m8 (I'm back :-D). You are so pathetic nick. Why do you still do this shit. Your advice is terrible. Do you just want attention? Like to argue? Like putting people down? Man. You are a sad sack bro.

Now let me wait for you to come up with some pseudo intellectual retort where you tell me how wrong I am and inferior in comparison to you.

Honestly guy. I still pity you.

>>36136822

I wonder what you're like offline. I can't imagine never having felt lonely. Damn...

Have you never felt better because of a human being?

Tell you what nick boy. Why don't you talk a little bit about yourself. Let's see what kinda man you really are when you are in the spotlight.

>>36136857
>practically everything in life was handed to me,

Especially your current problems.

> I'd say I grew up under ideal conditions.


Then how come you have these issues? That stuff doesn't come out of nowhere. And I doubt that it's genetic. Any relatives with comparable issues?

>>36132647
I am a semi passable tranny and I fear Ill never find someone who loves me.
I dont fall in love often and when I do I generally fall in love with my best friend at the time who isnt interested in more than friendship.

I thought I could go for a relationship after I transitioned but I am even more afraid now to open up to people.

I am so lonely, I wish I could just suicide

>>36136921

That sucks.

First question is why you tried to interfere with your sister's life?

Don't kill yourself over this. People will forget and stop caring soon enough, so don't worry.

You can always change schools if it's that bad.

>>36137054

That'd be fine.

Any other oddities about your behaviour that we haven't discussed?

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>>36137204
>You don't use the word narcissistic the way it is normally used in these threads. Narcs don't self-diagnose, because narcs run on the idea that they're perfect.

In my eyes narcs don't have to think they're perfect, but they need to have a reason not to fault themselves, so that it most definitely wasn't their fault. A prime example in the case of self diagnosing and depression can be seen widely on the internet, when people go "Oh, but I can't help my shitty situation, I'm just X" or "It's not my fault I'm a shitty person, I have X". This is especially common nowadays since behavioural problems are ignored and kids are hugboxed to the fucking max, where everyone gets a participation trophy.

> You certainly have, and that's probably where things go wrong.

How is that where things go wrong? I don't understand. In order to tackle a problem you first need to have a solid understanding of it, right?

> Their conclusion sounds dodgy; it's like they said you were autismo because they failed to find anything else.

I wholeheartedly agree, I still don't believe I'm autistic, even though everybody around me does think so.

> No child of 8 says this stuff without some deep issues

I think kids are retarded, my snotnosed self included. I look back on my childhood days as what was a joyful time to be alive, and one of the few things keeping me going is hope that I will one day wake up with the same joy and enthousiasm again, even though I am fairly certain that outcome is highly unlikely.

I unfortunately have to go now (I will still lurk the thread and read whatever you reply), but I did really enjoy talking.
Thanks for being here, man.

>>36137128
>My parents were both religious fanatics and immigrants.

From where and what religion?

How did your parents treat you?

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>>36137293

> Especially your current problems.
Hah! And yet I think I'm to blame for them.

> Then how come you have these issues? That stuff doesn't come out of nowhere. And I doubt that it's genetic. Any relatives with comparable issues?

Due to a failure in my personality, due to the failure that I ended up becoming because of my own shortcomings.

> And I doubt that it's genetic. Any relatives with comparable issues?

My father has been depressed early on in life, and the tism grows strong in my mother's genetic side (cousin with assburgers, mother's sister has borderline, grandma is highly suspected to have ADHD etc.)

But I wouldn't say it's genetic. Having no spine or positive personality traits doesn't come in genetics I think.

>>36137154

That's awesome! Is she a trans too?

>>36137438
they are from Argentina and are pnetacostal christians

They treated me alright with occasional corporal punishment but nothing too bad it was just spanking

My brother on the other hand as always been a sadistic asshole and my parents usually sided with him over me