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>Go to Theatre downtown
>Brought my falconette (Lisa) to get past the no singles policy (We're common law married)
>They let me in no problems
>No Theater operator is Muslim and has banned popcorn because it's not halal
>I ask for some sort of replacement snack
>He pulls a huge, 20 pound bag of imported, uncooked rice onto the counter
>He fills my cup with dry grains of rice and tells me it's just a s good
>Okay fine, I take it but I ask for some Live Mice to feed Lisa, my wife
>Mice are halal too (what the fuck?)
>Ask for another replacement
>He gives me some live Death's-head Hawkmoths, "the jew of the animal world" (???)
>Take Lisa and out snacks to the shower room
>Men's showers are broken so I have to use the birdbath with Lisa
>It's dirty, stagnant, and filled with litter
>Finally get to out seats after our gross bath
>Jem and the Holograms, things seem good so far
>Liza DOES NOT like the moths, I try to calm her down but she starts screeching and circling, looking for prey (luckily it was only us in the theater)
>I try eating the rice grains, it's fucking hard
>halfway through the flick I get the "grumpy dumpies"
>Run to the bathroom and shoot buckshot out my ass because of the undigested rice
>I pass out from rectal bleeding in the stall
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>go to theater to see the new James Bond film
>no singles policy, but I figure I'll just buy two tickets like I always do
>pay with my mom's credit card
>cashier gives me a short code and directs me to some new machine that is supposed to give me my ticket
>I walk over, impressed with my theater for having a sleek new machine
>I put in the code
>machine asks me to pick my seats, so I do... E7 and E8
>then it asks me to put my thumb against screen
>I do it
>after a little wheel animation spins around, the machine confirms my thumbprint and asks for the thumbprint of the "second customer"
>start to panic
>look around, cashier is looking in my direction, but my back is to her
>I look back at the screen and put my other thumb against the screen to see if that works
>wheel turns
>"This thumbprint is already registered. Please use different thumb."
>what the fuck
>feel sweat beads running down my back
>Cashier is still looking at me
>A long line is starting to form behind me, but I've paid $60 for the tickets, so I can't turn back now
>unzip dick
>stand on my toes and press it against the screen
>wheel turns
>"Could not confirm thumb"
>suddenly, an alarm goes off and two black guards grab me and escort me out of the theater with my dick still hanging out
>get home and mom screams at me for paying $60 to see a shitty Bond flick
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