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This is the opening line of my nearly complete novel and I'm

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This is the opening line of my nearly complete novel and I'm not sure what is the best way to word it:
>At twenty one/When I was twenty one
>I was on the verge of/I felt like/I was close to/
>killing my dad/murdering my dad
>and I mean that quite literally/and I don't mean that lightly/and that's no exaggeration.

I'm sure you can come up with other variants, but what do you prefer and WHY? Can you share your stories of meticulously deconstructing a sentence and any rules which would help me with this? I know for example there were around 40 different final sentences for A Farewell to Arms. As this is the first line it needs to introduce conflict and be shocking but realistic and I am not a fan of overly complicated prose.
>>
>>7332064
What an edgy opening sentence.
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>>7332064
>When I was twenty-one
>I felt like
>Killing my dad
>all these choices are garbage.
2/10, would show first paragraph to my friends to laugh at if I stumbled on it in a bookstore. I probably wouldn't take a picture to send it to friends who weren't there though, and would forget about it quickly because it isn't that level of edgy.
>>
At twenty one I almost killed my dad.
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>>7332068
>>7332077

Care to be a bit more constructive? The novel works around an unreliable narrator who dramatises things just to be clear, but you're supposed to want to find out more
>>
For starters, use father, not dad.
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When I was 20(+1). I decided that it was about time I stopped trying to write.

I'm absolutely telling the literal absolute version of the absolute literal truth, senpai.
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Hi, my name is ___. I'm twenty one and I LITERALLY want to kill my dad.

you owe me
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>>7332064
>When I was twenty one I felt like killing my dad and I don't mean that lightly.

Definitely up there with

>George Washington Crosby began to hallucinate eight days before he died.
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>>7332096

>Ask a question about 20 words of prose
>"Give up writing"

Perhaps slightly judgemental don't you think?
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>>7332064

Twenty one and ready to kill my father.
>>
>>7332064
Together with the other words you are using "dad" sounds bad.

You should use "father" instead.
>>
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>>7332107
He or she asked what I would do and that's what I'd do
>>
Twenty-one: attempted patricide.
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>>7332110
This one is actually good.

OP, you're stumbling over superfluous words. You need to trust your reader. Although anon's recommendation might not be appropriate if your character isn't consistently terse.
>>
When I was 21, I was prepared to kill my father.
>>
>>7332110
>>7333838
One of these. Less is more. Father not dad.
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>>7333868
using "was" twice in a row this close to each other is rather ugly
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>>7333838
This is the answer
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>>7333871
At the age of 21, I was prepared to kill my father.
>>
When I turned twenty-one, thoughts of patricide began to consume me.
>>
So, here's me at 21, right, all hung up on the krazy scheme of killing my daddy-o.
>>
>>7333954
>This shit so hard that my momma be cry.
>>
When I was one and twenty, I heard an inner voice say: "write clumsily-worded stories, and kill your dad right away'

When I was two and twenty, I heard it say once more: "if your dad you slew, you'd pay in rue, but it's a good way to even the score".
>>
At twenty one I was ready to do in my old man and that ain't no joke.
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http://vocaroo.com/i/s0mRCzsPrdc5
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>>7332064
>When I was twenty one I felt like killing my dad.

Drop the last thing, because it's useless.
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When I was first able to drink, the alcohol burned only one desire into my thoughts: killing my father.
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>>7332064
Yo I'm twenty one and I gots to be killin' my dad but for real, baka desu senpai.
>>
>>7332064


veins of boiled oil seethe

with molten tongues defame

a parricide without claim

dread of fate accomplished

simmers in unfit slumber

at least I can drink now
>>
announcing a fact like age first sentence is weak

the "and" in 4 also makes it weak

any combo of 2+3 is better
>>
>>7332064
When I was twenty one I was on the verge of murdering my dad, and I don't mean that lightly.
Thread posts: 32
Thread images: 4


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