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FINAL HYPERSPHERE

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Thread replies: 203
Thread images: 13

File: potential_cover.jpg (2MB, 850x1100px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
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ALL HYPERSPHERE: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TIdoWxLOs7tVlO8MHISFAm1stJ7FEta-fL0dBe88J1g/edit#

Deadline: 31st of October, 2015.

Discuss themes, vote on cover art, contribute in the document. Also, what publisher are we appealing to? An anon suggested Cow Eye Press, and they're all about idiosyncratic fiction -according to them.

Get to work, you filthy proletariat.
>>
>>7269717
bump
>>
>>7269717
>>7269976
Once more.
>>
Is this doc for editing?
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>>7272164
Yes.
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>>7269717
Weekend bump. Will write another chapter maybe Sunday.
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>>7272326
my computer can't handle editing the 372-page doc
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>>7273653
Solutions to this?
I'm thinking you can probably go to the respective location in the original Hypersphere doc and make a "comment" where you want something altered/changed/deleted.

Anyone else complaining from lag?
>>
>>7269717
>>
>>7273653
You're not alone.
>>
>>7269717
it's too big
idiot
>>
Can we just add in whatever we want into this?
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>>7275460

You must allow the Hyperspace to speak through you.
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>>7275518
How do I let the Hyperspace speak through me?
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>>7275523
write from your balls w/out concern for PC but also don't tryhard to be edgy. also, read back for BG info., important characters, etc.
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>>7275529
Are you serious. I just added in something that doesn't relate to anything that was previously written. Please don't tell me that the past 370 pages actually had a cohesive plot line.
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>>7275533

Yes. Relatively of course.
>>
>>7275523
If you have to ask than you will never know, young potato.
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>>7275533
I mean it's not necessary to continue the plotlines we have going, but it is good to know how the Hypersphere works, what has gone on before, etc.

there is so much good stuff in there too that it's helpful as a springboard if you get stuck.
>>
>>7275576
Well shit. I added in the prologue to a short story I'm writing about Samurai. That seems to have nothing to do with "Hyperspace".
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>>7275582
The hyperspace says otherwise, it is just that fucking big.
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>>7275586
Oh, well, that's good to hear. I hope that people will vote to have my prologue in the book.
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>>7275582
everything has to do w/ Hyperspace m8. you'll understand if you read back.

if it's good it will stay, anyway, so don't worry about it. I'm just a sperg and am telling you what I would do in your situation.
>>
>>7275582
there's many ways to tie it in. but you dont need to. and if you do, dont have to tie it in with actual plots and characters, just the style and themes are enough
>>
the samurai thing really takes "not having anything to do with Hyperspace" to the extreme
>>
>>7276325
Shit, I knew it. I fucked up with adding my samurai prologue to the project. I should have tried to understand what was happening in the 370 pages before I added my part.
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>>7276337
is it something you had written previously?
>>
>>7276381
>>7276337
oh nevermind, you said >>7275582

I haven't read through it so I'm not saying throw it out or anything, just that it's very self-contained
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>>7276385
Yeah, it's just the prologue to a short story I'm writing. I thought I could add anything to "Hypersphere" so I thought I'd add this in. Yeah, I can definitely understand how you'd think its self contained seeing as how it has absolutely nothing to do with hyper or spheres.
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>>7276423
Write what ye will, mate. The audience decides.
Also, just had a bizarre dream where Bloom mocked me for my Bottle's Intermission format. I am scurr'd, guise.
>>
Suggested cover
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>>7277252
love it
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>>7277252
I actually prefer this one
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>>7277252
Hahahahaha genius. only we have to omit the "Wordsworth Classics"
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>>7278061
no, do multiple covers from all the labels
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Can I submit the first 1500 characters of my submission here for criticism? I want to know if it fits within the established Hypersphere lore/is shit and tryhard.
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>>7278318
go for it
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>>7278334
>>7278318
“The Hypersphere is big, and the hypersphere is vast” the ghost of Donald Trump whispered to me from the foot of my bed, where he crouched in the foetal position noisily eating a large bag of Cool Original flavoured Doritoes.
“Fuck off Trump, it's four in the morning and I have to work tomorrow. Also you just said the same fucking thing twice” I said scowling. “Fuck off” I said again, tossing my alarm clock at him.
“The Hypersphere is larger than you can even imagine, my friend” Trump said, elegantly dodging the matte black plastic mass while simultaneously transfering a fistful of yellow carbs from packet to mouth: “The hypersphere is a trillion times larger than the largest thing to ever exist, and I can take you there if you so wish.”
“I don't want to go to the Hypersphere, Trump. I want to go to bed, and then to work. Leave me alone” I raged quietly, wrapping myself in my quilt and (passive-)aggressively placing my head on my pillow. “And put the Doritoes back in the cupboards when you're done when them you great blonde cunt.”
At that point in time, Donald Trump had been visiting me in my room every night for about six weeks. A short time after I fell asleep he'd tiptoe to the foot of bed and aggressively tickle my feet until I woke, at which point he'd give elaborate lectures on the nature of the Hypersphere while eating my snacks. Two weeks previously I had performed an experiment in which I discarded all the junkfood in my house prior to going to bed in an attempt to see how he'd react, hoping he might leave or perhaps just leave me alone for the night. Instead he woke me at two in the morning with a kick, and then clubbed me back into unconsciousness with a frozen cucumber. The next day I restocked the cupboards with snacks and so my nocturnal lectures continued. After six weeks I had managed to discover only two properties of the Hypersphere. The first of these was that the Hypersphere was really fucking big (REALLY BIG), and second was that it had an entrance to which the ghost of former US President Donald Trump had the key.
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>>7278342
>when you're done when them
With them.
>to the foot of bed
Foot of my bed.
>aggressively tickle my feet
Replace "aggressive." In fact, leave out trying to explain Trump's coincidental visits, it doesn't live up to the chuckle I get from the previous paragraphs. Unless you do it more subtly (I advise doing just that: don't explain the situation, just get groovy in it.)

I do not yield well for criticism, admittedly. Nevertheless, I would accept it, provided you work a bit on those tits and tats. Put it somewhere near the beginning and I'll call for a vote.
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>>7278105
that is an incredible scuplere in the back there, any idea which? notice the weight on the bottom left pelvic area on the female.... super hardcore detail.
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>>7278375
I wrote that in maybe five minutes, and I'm quite tired/fluey. I'll extend it and make edits and submit it a couple of days from now I think, thanks for the advice.
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>>7278381
That's not a sculpture, it's a photo of me and your mum.
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>>7278400
I hope she stabs you in the rectum. looks like youre taking it in the back.
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>>7278407
you'd know all about taking it in the back wouldn't you m8
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>>7278407
Sounds painful mate.
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>>7269717
delete this
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>>7278824
Even if I wanted to, we're beyond that point.
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>>7269717
eurobump
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>>7277252
If someone actually drew this or had the exact same design with better aesthetics, then I would choose this one.
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HLLEO
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>>7280699
morningbump
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>>7277252

iconic tbh
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Do you people have any favorite parts?
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>>7282118
my diary tbqhfam
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>>7282118
I really liked the Mypecuthers stuff.
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comments in the editing doc seems to think the a e s t h e t i c s thing was the ending? it's not
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>>7282759
Yeah, the final chapters are still hopefully to come. I think a lot of anons are just nervous about ending it, I am at least.
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Wow, memes!
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>>7282759
"Seem to think" being key. Unless someone chimes up with a brilliant finale by the 31th, we have no reason to assume otherwise, honestly.
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Apparently I can't download the doc, is that intentionally?
If not and I'm just retarded, would anyone be so kind and upload it to pomf or something?
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>>7283238
But it's not finished.
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>>7283242
I know, I'd still like to read the current version, as it stands.
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>>7283238
>>7283244
http://a.uguu.se/nteres_Hyperpancake%2CanInternetOdyssey-invaingloriousWordDocs%2Cwhichbasicallyruinedeverything.
Now, .pdf didn't work. I think I can solve it by dividing the doc into its five respective parts after we're done and later compile them.
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>>7282118
i don't know about you, but it's the little bits that always get me
>Thus, you see. All sense is lost. And we are utterly and completely dependent on you. Decide to close us, and we will shut up. But you’ll never learn of Jones. You’ll never learn of chapters to come, [fill in chapters]. Don’t kill us. We have a toy car in our rectum and we need you to get it out. The oxygen supply of those clowns are at critical levels!
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>>7269717
Seeing as this is wrapping up, I thought it would be fitting if we all collaborated on one final chapter, either being the Death Orgy and Return of the Trump, or the Puerile King Gala. Would any anons be interested in ending this thing together? If we have a few, we can work out a timeframe to all edit and write.
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>>7284415
after like Dec. 4th I'll be done w/ finals and super game for adding/editing what we need.
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>>7284435
thanks bottleman?
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>>7284438
I meant to spoiler the "?" as a second clause, so it wasn't intended in a sarcastic fashion but rather just my attempt at a guess.
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>>7284438
>>7284441
actually Brucie/Wucie/HitMemaw man
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>>7284462
Oh cool anon, my bad - are you going to finish HitMemaw? I got as far as the loli chapter, I liked a lot of your stuff.
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>>7284470
no worries, I am a bottlefan, and I'll add stuff if I have time to (i.e., if serious editing hasn't already started) in December. I was having so much fun w/ HitMemaw, it was really hard to put her aside when school started.
>>
>>7284482
Bottleman here, thanks for the compliment. Do wish we had more time to chatter, Memawman, twas fun times.
Working on cryptos, Colony of Unified Voices (grey) and, well, accepting submissions - that in itself is a bit tough to follow, some executive decisions to be made. I will be patient.
Also, please feel free to edit the marginalia in Bottle Intermission, I did this for you, guys.
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>>7275460
>>7275518
what a load of horseshit
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>>7269717
BUMP
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>>7285052

You can't even begin to comprehend the Hyersphere pleb.
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>>7286486
Fuck's sake, you're screwing with my max post speed again.
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>>7286498
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>>7286500
That is one sexy brunette Trump.
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>>7269717
bump
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Are we going to cut the rather boring stuff out?
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>>7288934
like what?
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>>7288934
I hope so, the audience will decide as we're editing. Just delete a passage you don't like in the editing phase, and the audience will vote.
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>>7289096
This. And it's even mentioned in the beginning of the doc.
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>>7288934
I personally feel that part 4 and 3 need the most editing, with only a few small chunks of part 5 being sub-par.
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Reading through it I'm surprised of how bored I must have been when we started writing this mess. There's a lot of my shit.

I'm pretty proud about the ball shaving poem at the start of part 2.
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>>7290067
I'm prepping a draft for the death orgy and it's a huge amount of fun, currently discussing a multi-dimensional blowjob between Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Kanye East, Kanye 4 degrees starboard, intergalactic space-house sensation Kanye "Feel it", the officially recongised physical deification of MTV, Richy "Rich" Nixon's decapitated head glue onto the patened pre-pubescent body of Natalie Portman and the Metaphysical Concept of Hope, which had burst into tears.


In fact, I'd love to collab with some anons if they wanted to work on the chapter.
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Is publisher anon still around?
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>>7290138
No, he went AFK. There are a few ways to get it printed though, like Cow Eye Press.
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>>7269717
>Also, what publisher are we appealing to?
I think we should force Penguin to publish it as a modern classic straight away.
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>>7290142
I bet it was the Illuminati that killed him or trying to publish something _so_ *powerful*.

It's just too much for the 1% to handle.
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>>7290147
slight kek
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>>7290147
I think we should print the book in really tiny font and scare children by glueing it to the back of cerealboxes in discount supermarkets chains.
>>
people voting to keep the Hardcore "chapter" in Part 1: why?
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>>7290348
...it's like 20 words.
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>>7290596
so what? it's shitposting. literally shitposting, I shitposted it. part of the editing is cutting pointless stuff
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>>7290613
OP here. Do what you must, the audience decides. By the way, 4 days left.
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>>7290740
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>>7290740
more like 2 days. I'm not doing this on Halloween
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Okay m8s i have a 2000 word submission incoming.. Is it okay to submit it on the 30th, or is that too late?
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>>7291361
It's alright, mate.
>>
Can someone please make an image for Part I to replace Ms.Saggytits?
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>>7291377
What would you like? I'm an art undergrad with some spare time.
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>>7291601
Sagytits but with some kind of mild absurdist aesthetic. Maybe nice and bright colours, i don't know, quite drunk.
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drunk bump, lov ]e you guys
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>>7291818
If you're truly drunk, you would've wrote us a 2000-word story for Hypersphere.
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>>7291909
ill do it, fuck you, ill do it
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>>7291909
>>7291909
Here's the first 500 words of my 2000 word story, leave the poor guy alone.

“The Hypersphere is big, boy. The Hypersphere is also vast,” the ghost of Donald Trump whispered to me from the foot of my bed, where he crouched in the foetal position noisily eating a large bag of Cool Original flavoured Doritoes.
“Fuck off Trump, it's four in the morning and I have to work tomorrow. Also you just said the same fucking thing twice” I said scowling. “Fuck off” I said again, tossing my alarm clock at him.
“The Hypersphere is larger than you can even imagine, my friend” Trump said, elegantly dodging the matte black plastic mass while simultaneously transfering a fistful of yellow carbs from packet to mouth: “The hypersphere is a trillion to the power of a trillion times larger than the largest thing to ever exist, and I can take you there if wish. You just have to ask.”
“I don't want to go to the Hypersphere, Trump. I want to go to bed, and then to work. Leave me alone” I raged quietly, wrapping myself in my quilt and (passive-)aggressively placing my head on my pillow. “And put the Doritoes back in the cupboards when you're done with them you great blonde cunt.” Trump gently stroked one of my feet.
“Come on buddy, budderino. Budweiser! Don't you want to know about the Hypersphere? It's really a wonderful place, and it would be cool if we could go together sometime,” he said in a sing-song voice. “I mean, it's so big. I think you'd do really well there. Everyone does well there, because it's just so fucking big! If you find that people don't like the things you like or do or believe, you just walk somewhere else, and because it's so big eventually you'll find a place where people love you for who you are.”
“Sounds like tumblr bullshit tbh Trump, like those 'safe spaces',” I said from beneath the covers.
“There's no such thing as a safe space in the Hypersphere my boy,” he laughed. “It's all Hyperspace.”
I sighed. “Look Trump, this is great. I love this shit, for real. But you've been harassing me like this for almost six weeks now, and it would be great if you'd at least talk about a property of this 'Hypersphere' that isn't related to its size. I mean fuck, hours every night for over fourty days, and all I know is that it's really fucking big. If you can't give me any vaguely original information then please, at least for tonight, just fuck off and let me sleep.” I said this in as definitive a tone as I could, and closed my eyes. Silence descended over my room. A dog barked somewhere in the night, and the earth revolved slowly around the sun.
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>>7278342
hmmm...
>>7291938
hmmmmmmmm....

noice
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>>7291955
Oh right, I already posted an earlier version in this thread. Woops.
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>>7291960

Lay off the booze, Mick.
>>
is it morally wrong to want donald trump to run the most powerful nation on earth - just to see what madness might look like?
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>>7291981
yes, bro. South Park just did an episode about this.
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>>7290348
I like it
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>>7273812
My computer lags if I write in part 5. When I started fucking with the footers, it actually crashed.

Chromebooks aren't too bad though. I'm sure /g/ hates them.
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>>7290348
It's not like it's much worse than anything else. I haven't voted for keeping it but also don't really care.

Sure, it would suck for the future audiobook (Stephen Fry is probably gonna do it), but when you're just reading it's pretty fun.
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>>7294713
eh alright then.
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>>7269717
I'll download it when it's finished. I want to see what /lit/ as a collective can come up with
>>
does this get good or is it just insane ramblings for 300 pages
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>>7294816
It's insane, but it slowly develops a lot of heart for some characters and stories. Bottleman is our best example but there are several chapters that can be funny/sad/poignant too, in my opinion.
>>
Is there a set thematic ending or will this just Peter out
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>>7295251
I have an ending in mind, I'm just afraid to taint it.

Really though there's no rush. For one, we know how we want to end it (Death Orgy/Return of the Trump) and we've got manpower. Give it time, I think - and I know this is pretentious - but this thing has some slight literary merit at parts, and if someone was to read this shizo drivel, I'd want them to derive some kind of satisfaction for scrolling through it all.
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>>7295628
I've been reading through, and have an idea for a short story thread (about ten pages) to be scattered through the story. Would it be best to paste the whole thing at the end in a chunk? Or scatter through as I think it should go?
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>>7295655
Scatter it through man, we don't want to exhaust the reader and the whole narrative has a distorted and piece-meal feel to it. In fact, I was going to suggest actually moving large lumps of shitposting, or really small humorous soundbites, in between the more lengthy bodies of text (this is only really needed for 4, 5, and maybe three) just to act as a sort of palate cleanse; just to keep the reader hydrated against all the stoned drymouthed ramblings of a bunch of nerdy loons.
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>>7295655
chunk at the end
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>>7295685
I mean I want to scatter it through, but I think it'd be Better for people editing for me to chunk it. >>7295689
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>>7295703
No worries anon, do whatever you want, we're all just opinions.
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>>7295707
Cool will post the first bit tomorrow
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>>7295628
If you're gonna do it, better do it fast. 3 days left.
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>>7296597
Can we really not extend that for people to work on the final chapters? Seems almost arbitrary.
>>
Better write fast son. Don't miss the chance to take your place in HYPERHISTORY!
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>>7297607
this. why the time limit now? we have the ending, just need to write it
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>>7297607
>>7297815
The deadline has been extended over the course of the month, and we don't have a consensus among us upon who, how and when the final chapters will be writ. I can be lenient, provided there's an actual effort to make this happen. Otherwise, it's lagging progress.
>>
what's the editing process going to be like?
>>
I want to add something to the middle, should i copy it here so that people can find it? or what
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>>7298392
Paste it in doc, and people will vote whether to keep it or not.
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>>7298392
Also, you can paste an excerpt here for ease of access.
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>>7298434
>>7298439
>>I'm holding a bottle in my hand. The bottle is empty but I need to have something in my hand. It is a party. You have to be holding something. It's fun. You're not allowed to dance without keeping your left hand 100% steady so that whatever is in the bottle doesn't ever spill. In my case there is nothing in the bottle. You can't spill nothing. It'd be a disaster.

the first bit
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>>7297770

>implying the Hypershere has linear passage of time
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>>7298467
where are you putting it?
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>>7298948
I don't think he put it in yet m8
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>>7298291
we do have a consensus on the ending, though: death orgy chapter and puerile king chapter. and it's pretty silly to put the deadline in the middle of a holiday at the end of a busy school month and then say "it's lagging progress" when people don't have time for it
>>
>>7299345
Maybe I just don't know what people do on Halloween...
Alright. Changing deadline to 5th Nov.
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>>7299397
democracy works, people. talk to your local government. argue with them, work with them.
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>>7299405
>democracy
>in Palestine.

I'll stick to fighting with Kata'ib Al-Qassam tyvm.
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>>7299162
I did, I put it right before "the physics of hyperspace, hyperspheres and hypermiscellaneous: a scientific manual"
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>>7269717
hypersphere threads make my day
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>>7293701
Coming from /g/, a fair amount of people actually like them, but those people are stupid.
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>>7300260
Could we maybe break this into five parts instead of the laggy full thing? Make editing easier
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>>7300869
If you can't write in the doc, refer to the original Hypersphere and add your piece as "suggested." I'll then look at it. You could always e-mail me. Five documents is bureaucratic hell.
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>>7299695
i like it
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>>7299397
Thanks anon
>>
So say I have a short story to contribute - how do I go about adding it to the document?
>>
>>7302100
Put it where you like, note it here with the location
>>
>>7298477
>time
>>
Working together on a story will be too laggy in the big doc, and being in suggestion mode fucks it up anyway. When time comes to write the puerile king/royal gala finale, who else is for doing it in the Part 5 doc and then pasting it into the big one?

Part 5 doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qvlkrn0P_0z4JOp4oJ9L9dKq0I382bAQqAbnLtNsmhM/edit?pli=1
>>
Am I supposed to add my piece at the end, the beginning, or wherever?
>>
Why is the edit function disabled? It's showing me that I can only be 'suggesting'
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>>7303398
somebody please help me, I want to add my story
>>
So I think I just added my contribution, at the end

Can someone confirm that it's there?
It's called Aferim Banal
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>>7303425
I see it. Why the five million spaces between each paragraph?
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>>7303466
I'm not seeing any spaces, can you post a screenshot?
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>>7301097
>as suggested
How do I tag it like that? A note?
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>>7269717
In posterity, we should find a better platform than Google Docs.
>>
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>>7278105
I vote for this cover, that's amazing.
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>>7304269
It's a really good looking cover, but my main issue is that it doesn't really have anything to do with the book. The only ancient philosophers really mentioned is Aristotle and Plato, who try to sell drugs using Russels Third Man argument.
>>
So... will my Samurai prologue text be kept or will it be removed? 2 have said to keep it, along with the creator of the book saying he likes it opposed to 1 person saying to delete it.
>>
>>7305597
It's democratic anon. Most votes decides. If you feel bad about it, you could ask anons for advice on certain wordings, maybe a small bit of critque etc.
>>
>>7305597
>that pic.
I suggest you rework it to accommodate for Hypersphere, Anon. If you notify me in the thread that you will be doing so, I will be on alert for any redrafts of Samurai I get in e-mail or in the suggestions. Unless you think it's adequate enough, which is totally fine. It's a nice excerpt, Anon, and the Hypersphere permeates all things, but I just wish it were a bit more relevant.

You decide.
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>>7306018
you can just add in "space-x" to every proper-noun desu senpai
>>
>>7305525
it does I think, the way the statues have nothing to do with vaporwave but fit in nicely
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>>7306456
In what way though ancient statues have anything particuarly to do with the "themes" (if you can call it that) of our book? I have no idea why people use statues in vaporwave art, and while I agree it is neat, it's more an arbitrary pretension imo than anything else - perhaps that could be thematically relevant, but it just seems to convey the wrong sort of mood to me.

Of course, this is all subjective and is going to be voted on anyway.

Happy Halloween anons.
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>>7306713
>though as do

dyslexia is a burden
>>
>>7305836
>>7306018
Thanks. Could you guys, or someone else here, give me some on advice on how I can make it more relevant to the rest of the project? I haven't been following this project and I don't have enough time to read through the entire thing.
>>
Will mine (>>7303425) be accepted into the finished work?
>>
>>7306977
make it shorter, punchier, sexier, a little more robust, need to give it a nice timbre, but mostly shorter and faster pacing and more... more extreme... heighten the emotion... and really lay into the people you don't like... the people you can't abide... the people you just know gotta be a threat
>>
>>7306713
>arbitrary pretension
>/lit/
>i see no relation here
>>
>>7307177
kek
>>
>>7306977
Just skimmed over, and you repeat your words a lot? Is this intentional? I'm going to edit yours and post a version by it's side so people can decide.
>>
>>7269717
Bumping, so this thread doesn't get knocked off by all the angry anons talking about the shithole that is /his/

That place went to hell fast.
>>
>>7307579
>>
I have concerns. Admittedly I walked away from Hypersphere (rather unwillingly, but I had much to do with other things and my nonlinear form is confined to the Sphere Alone) but I'd like to come back and at least see everything unfold to completion.

Did we stop making every instance of -time in Hypertime bright pink? Is it brought up somewhere that it stopped happening? I think it should be, if it was a conscious decision. Maybe one of the outside observers notices that people have stopped saying it with pink voices I dunno.
>>
>>7307459
>Is this intentional?

No, it's not. I'm not that good of a writer, as you can probably already tell. I didn't realize I was repeating my words.

Thanks for editing.
>>
>>7307930
The only highlighting I know of is "bottles" in Part 2/3, something about "invoking the Minotaur."
>been warned for posting Third Reich thread on /his/.
Oh boy.
>>
>>7308992
Can you really blame the janitors being sensitive about /pol/ subjects?

Reading /his/ this last day has made me re-think my feelings on absolute free-speech, at least in academia. Which is almost tragic.
>>
>>7307930
We can just say time identifies as a black font now, and really -ugh- it's none of your damned business to even notice that.
>>
hypersphere and loathing in las vegas
>>
>>7309078
>>7309311
these please me
>>
>>7308012
Hey anon, there's no need to feel bad, the important thing is your writing, and with introspection and dedication you will only improve. I'm going to go over your thing now, with a close pen, and give it a very minimalist edit. It will probably look very different to your original piece, but don't think of it as an insult, just an example of where you can take a writing style. I'll leave you some comments and feedback for what you can do to improve, don't give up man.
>>
hyperspherenheit 451
>>
>>7309601
Not that writer but you seem like a cool anon. I wish you were a friend of mine.
>>
>>7309601
seconding >>7310286
>>
>>7309601
Thanks man, it's really nice to hear that, I really appreciate what you've said to me, no one else has.
>>
>>7310565
Okay, so keep in mind this is a re-write; effectively me using your piece as source material to spring-board an alternate way of saying the same thing. Different in style, but hopefully not substance. I actually dropped the minimalist aesthetic, but went with a more rural fantasy tone. This is from one amateur to the next, so don't assume what I've done is fantastic. I've posted what I have so far in the image.

Here's some criticism I noticed
>avoid opening with weather, it's a common cliche, instead try and show conflict and character right off the bat (I didn't do this, but it's a general tip to get the ball rolling)
>always re-read your paragraphs slowly and carefully, what I wrote took me nearly an hour and a half and I'm still not happy with it, really make sure you've eliminated repeating words in the same sentence; there's nothing wrong with repeating a word occasionally, and it can even be used for good effect, but it's not really giving the reader anything "new" just the same old stock image and sounds clumsy
>try using all kinds of grammar, if you notice I'm using hyphens and oxford commas to spice up the flow of the prose
>show don't tell, readers do not necessarily need lengthy descriptions of trivial details like the bandits locations, everything the in the village etc, remember that you DO NOT HAVE INFINITE SPACE when you're writing, you have a constant finite bubble of reader attention that you need to always make sure your keeping fed; think of one of those time-trial racing arcade games, where you have to keep going through flags to keep your timer from running out
>avoid purple prose, I may be guilty of it in my own piece, but don't "over-egg" the scene either, focus on small but powerful sensations, like colour and try to pick a certain theme that you want running through your peice (if you noticed I used the motif of spring more clearly)
>don't be afraid to use more metaphors, I liked "red as a dusk sun"
>with dialogue, always remember that people don't talk perfectly to each-other, they ignore and often flat out don't directly respond to questions
>think about your narrator, who is he? I tried to give my narrator a place in the story, to flavour the text more

I'll give you more advice as I keep going, I'm going to sleep in a bit though. It's not a bad peice, and you're not a bad writer, you just need to keep practising and, this is really important, read classics and think about how they illicit certain responses from you- and then try to imitate that in your own text.
>>
>>7310286
>>7310337
Everyone on /lit/ is a friend to me anons. I absolutely adore you guys (no homo).
>>
>>7310807
Oh man, that is so much better than what I'd written. I honestly wouldn't even think of adding in most of those words in there. Thank you so much for all that help and criticism, I really, really appreciate it.

Your writing style is really nice too.

I've recently been reading a lot of ASOIAF and thought I'd go with the way chapters work in those books. So each chapter would have a different narrator, and they are all linked together by the story.
>>
>>7312382
sec.bump
>>
Hey Memawman, I'm writing a detective Dawkins and Jefferson chap where they find Fanshen dead at the end/he gets killed at the end. But the ending will just be a placeholder in case you have something in mind for how Memaw kills Fanshen (or doesn't kill him)
>>
>>7312664
Memawman here. that sounds fine, because I def am not gonna have time to write anymore OG story material (unless we're writing for sure past December 4-ish). feel free anyway if you or another Anon need/want to write Memaw into the story anymore. after her battle w/ the lolis, LazyTown Stephanie was going to lead Memez to Fanshen, and he was going to die by them. (I think Fanshen was gonna have a stalkery H.H. relationship to Stephanie, and that's why she's supposed to wanna kill him too).
>>
>>7312699
aw man. I definitely will not try to imitate the Memaw style. I'll probably just have them show up and find Fanshen dead. or maybe skip this whole thing
>>
>>7312699
Deadline is the 5th. Make it happen in a separate doc, please. I've been clicking checkmarks for suggestions the last 15 minutes.
>>
>>7315745
bamp
>>
bumpiolo
>>
File: WoutKooijmans.jpg (77KB, 654x677px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
WoutKooijmans.jpg
77KB, 654x677px
Oh my... I read some. It is like hyperrealistic meta-modern laser sharp galactic faggotry.

I like it. Needs more ironic memes tho.
Thread posts: 203
Thread images: 13


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