AGP or HSTS?

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-A year later finally work up courage to tell mutual friend body feels wrong and maybe should have been a girl, but friend gets impatient, says she’s dealt with “enough identity crises lately”, turns out cool girl internet friend and guy rl friend are the same person. Feel incredibly betrayed and violated and throw gender feelings in a deep, dark place, but keep sleeping with him and never confront him because don’t want to be lonely.
-Fall in love with a girl but feelings aren’t returned.
-Talk constantly about not understanding why anybody would want to be a boy, being a boy is shit, I hate it. Don’t understand privilege or why this is a stupid thing to say yet.
-Start writing good girl names in journals, about wanting to be a mom, etc.
-Get computer and almost immediately seek out weird, upsetting porn. Pretty even mix of sexes. Pattern of masturbating and then collapsing emotionally continues. Fall into trap of identifying with women in images/movies, wishing body was like theirs, and that only makes it worse.
-Start pretending to be a girl online all the time, not sure why I want to do it and almost never doing sex stuff with it. Intense cognitive dissonance because other boys doing this hurt so much, but can’t stop.
-Suicide attempt. Doesn’t work. Family can’t afford more than two therapy sessions so nothing really comes of it.
-Diagnosed with ADHD and depression though.
-Fall in love with school’s only trans guy. Subconsciously use him as a field test, see if coming out and transitioning work for him or make him happy, and they don’t, so go even further back in closet. Doesn’t help he identifies as gay and only likes the boy parts.
-Junior year: Develop an eating disorder, restricting to 250 - 500 calories a day without really meaning to or understanding why. 5’6”, drop down from 160lbs to close to 100 within a couple months. Family is worried but won’t talk about it and we’re poor so no therapy.

(cont'd)

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-See self in mirror while on family vacation and realize look like a girl with long hair and skinny body. Cry about it and feel confused a lot, and don’t remember feeling horny about it.
-Get big into punk and emo music (it was 2004), seeing guys like Gerard Way as a kind of almost doable masculinity, can wear makeup/nail polish which is nice. Start self-medicating with weed/liquor/cigarettes a lot.
-Graduate with good grades/scholarships/grants and go to school even though family is poor. Major in writing and minor in women’s studies. Read S.C.U.M. Manifesto as part of second semester class and get fucked up over it. First two years see a succession of hookups and short, passionless relationships with an even mix of guys and girls. Incredibly high sex drive keeps sex happening even though it’s miserable, though bottoming is least upsetting way to do it.
-Year 3 get bored and go to spectrum meeting. Meet a couple of trans girls at the meeting who seem happy enough for stressed out undergrads, don’t necessarily pass but they’re pretty and nice and have a lot of friends.
-Realize being trans doesn’t have to make you miserable or lonely and you can transition and still be happy.
-Cry a lot.
-Come out to new trans friends, who are explicitly hesitant to encourage but supportive when needed and good friends in general.
-Not sure if want to transition but just happy to finally accept and understand this part of self, think of being trans as a kind of neurological intersex condition though never describe it that way out loud for fear of offending intersex person or getting side-eye from other feminists.
-Graduate. Move to a big city to try and transition, or at least feel out transitioning, far away from home and people who knew boy self, but have trouble moving psych med prescriptions over and without them everything is almost impossible. Crash and burn.

(cont'd)

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-Move home. Try and kill self again. Get job with friend of family at his body shop working with exclusively macho dudes, first real “guy” job ever. Miserable and bad.
-Eventually get job at cool punk rock/hipster bar where nobody bats an eye over long hair, nail polish, or some makeup. Use that pay and advances on some freelance projects to finally go to therapy.
-Therapist tells about trans support grou, but meeting the dysfunctional, unself-aware people there has the reverse effect of going to spectrum in college, feel doomed to misery and loneliness. But clock is ticking, and will kill self if not on HRT by 30th birthday.
-Therapy takes too long and resent being told what to do so self med for a little while without telling him. Quickly feel better, like a fog has been lifted and body is a part of self instead of separate thing. Quit again after like two months over health concerns.
-Eventually get diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder.
-Doctor refers to an endo, get on correct doses of HRT under supervision and feel even better.
-Really obsessed with passing at first, wear breast inserts and full makeup everywhere, never talk so nobody hears voice, get job at call center as way to practice voice with constant feedback since can’t afford voice therapy.
-Don’t look at porn or feel compelled to masturbate and feel more comfortable and present when having sex, which is nice.
-Really stressed for a while because won’t ever be able to afford srs or ffs, and facial hair keeps growing back even after lots of sessions of laser, not to mention gaining weight again because psych finally got diagnosis right (bipolar) and meds do that.

(cont'd)

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-Eventually get job working from home and settle down, deciding that gaining weight is better than severe mood swings that have been ruining life almost as much as dysphoria. See family and friends a lot, all of whom give lots of love and respect, without having to interact with randos on bad or hard days. Stop wearing makeup/spanx/etc as much as a result, realize the important thing wasn’t necessarily passing, which feels impossible, but creating a comfortable body and life. Realize all the hateful things about self (easy weight gain, strong jaw/underbite, etc) are things that are present in every paternal female relative, and after HRT look almost identical to aunt and grandma, and that for a long time confused being “pretty” and passing. Realize passing as a kind of homely girl is fine, better than being handsome guy.
-Pass well enough three years in to get sex when it’s wanted, even split of guys and girls. Currently in relationship with cis girl.
-Still bummed about not being able to afford srs and still hate having dick though.
-So am I AGP/transbian or HSTS anon?

>>8661184
I mean, if you ask a medical professional if you're agp or hsts they'd say that that is outdated terminology and categorizing trans women as either extreme gay bois or fetishistic men is not helpful. Isn't the label trans woman enough?
Cool story tho.
Also, I like Julia Serano's, 'The Whipping Girl'

>>8661204
Thanks. I was spiraling all afternoon and I think I needed somebody to tell me that.

And Julia Serano is way short and very nice irl.

>>8661204
>Also, I like Julia Serano's, 'The Whipping Girl'
Which is enough to discount everything else in your post.

>>8661140

> Hey guyz, I've been masturbating to the idea of being a woman since I could cum

> Am I AGP or HSTS?

>>8661204
I should ask medical professional for giggles
I'm not even sure he seriously cares to know much about it, since it was never accepted as official. There is F64 (transsexualism, and subset of it - in childhood) and F65 (transvestite fetishism)

>>8661184
Sounds like you have gender OCD

>>8661372
http://journals.aace.com/doi/pdf/10.4158/EP161223.CR?code=aace-site

>To our knowledge, this is the first case
report of an OCD patient whose symptoms include the unwanted, intrusive obsessive thought that he was transgender.
>The described case and associated review highlight the characteristics that distinguish the distress in patients with OCD who present with obsessions concerning being transgender relative to patients who are transgender or gender incongruent who present with gender dysphoria.
>The case illustrates the importance of considering OCD as a potential diagnosis in patients who present with new onset obsessions regarding gender identity and the importance of establishing the durability and pattern of gender identification and obsessions before embarking on treatment.

It's not sudden onset if I experienced at least some kind of dysphoria consistently throughout my life though, is it?

>>8661225
No probs. That's cool that you got to meet Julia Serano. Sorry to hear that you struggle with bi polar, but at least you know so you can look for the signs and be prepared for depressive or manic states.

>>8661267
>People can't have different opinions.

>>8661140
>Am I AGP or HSTS?
There's nothing wrong with being either.

>>8661184
any idea where I can get a .mobi or .epub of Stone Butch Blues?