Come in, sit down.

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>>8168876
I love you. I wish I could have transitioned just two years earlier, so that you could have met the real me. I wish I could have survived, so that maybe someday things would have worked out for us, and we could have been together, and I could have made you happy. I hope I don't make you too upset. If there's one last thing I could experience before I kill myself, I would want it to be another night with you, as your girl. That would make me really happy.

It's pretty sad, but no one really.
That's kind of a current issue where I've been nomadic for so long that now that I've recently settled into a place, I just find myself alone.
There's no childhood friends, no best or close friends, no family.
The worst part is, I'm charismatic and likeable enough, but people have always been temporary for me, and I have no clue how to make them more than that.

>>8168876
The sound of the wind through leaves and grass. That is the most important thing to me and I have no idea why. I have a lot of wants and things to do, obligations and places to be. I go to school and learn, people call me smart, some even a genius but I know it's all just kind words I am clever and I work hard, that's it. I identify above all with the fool. I grew up in a nice place from the outside. We had a nice neighborhood, good schools, and appropriate after school activities. Except I spent a lot of time alone in my head because inside wasn't so nice. We frequently had no money, my father was always drunk and my mother checked out mentally a lot. I spent my time in a creek behind my house. I would walk up and down it looking in the water and tasting the winds. I would spend my time talking with the wind asking it favors and doing things it asked in turn. Simple, strange things, like typing a leaf too a tree so it could touch the water and the air or climbing to the top of a rock to move a pebble into the water. Childish games I gave meaning through my imagination, I knew it was never real.

Now though it is strange. Every time I was hurt or sad I would call up the sound of the wind tickling the leaves and pushing the grass aside. It brings me a feeling like nothing else and despite my motivations to help the world and to finish my research, the most important thing in the world to me is the sound of the wind as it touches life around me.

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>>8168876
Wonder what matters to you. I don't really develop lasting connections with other people, I moved around too much in my youth so now as a result I can't really develop long term feelings for other people. I'm relatively nomadic in how I go from community to community, I talk to people and just stop after that. Especially hits hard in romantic relationships, spark just dies after less than a quarter of a year. People think it's their fault but it never is.

Family matters to me, they're one of the only things that have remained constant in my life. If I lose them I'll really have nothing then.

>>8168960
>OP
Regret and reflection are powerful things, especially when coupled together. I want you to do something else for me, if I can be so bold to ask it of you.

Find a sizable mirror, set it up in front of you, to where you can see your face, your eyes. Look at every feature that's being reflected back and then I want you to, out loud or in hushed tones, say what you most dislike or hate about yourself, physically and mentally. Dig deep, and bring you worst insecurities to the surface, to tear yourself down to your lowest point. Take a moment to cry until you're no longer able. Then, wipe eyes, take a second look in the same mirror, and do the same thing as before, except this time, I want you to pick out all the things you do like about yourself, the best things you can think of, either what you yourself think or what others have said. When you're done, go to bed, tomorrow will be a fresh start, from there you can go anywhere, you've brought yourself to shambles and put the pieces back together.

>>8168971
>OP
It's all temporary, Anon. Life, love, hate, happiness, sadness, etc. What matters is what we do with the time we have. What causes people to become temporary is distance, physical and emotional. Now that you've settled into a place, you've solved the problem of physical distance, but now comes the emotional. Start with a neighbor, or a person at a local place you frequent. Begin building those connections, that foundation. Then work your way up, go out to local hangouts, bars, pool halls, anything like that, and continue to add onto and maintain the supports, the frames. Pick out those who most stick out, surround yourself with them often through fun activities and social events. When you've built onto it enough, you'll be comfortable in a familiar place, with familiar faces. That's home.

>>8169189
>OP
That's wonderful, Anon. Audible association. It's often these little things people take for granted, but you understand just how important it can be. You came from a difficult place and made the most of what you had til now you are here. I'm so glad you shared this with us.

>>8169328
>OP
Subconscious conditioning. You're so used to having everyone other than family be so quick to be gone, that when a connection has lasted longer than expected your brain doesn't know how to handle it. The concept is so foreign.
Take another second, if you will, and think about the love, the connection you have with your family. Blood is indeed thicker than water, but never count out the strength of a Bond without Blood. The next friend you make, that you really come to like, remind yourself that they're not just some friend that you're never going to see again, they're family. They may not share the same surname or genes, but they're still part of your world, you'all laugh and cry with them just as you'd do with a sibling, a parent, a cousin, etc. The only difference is that they weren't born into, the grew into it. Conditions are like habits, hard to break, but they can be broken through repetition, when you're with your friends or simply thinking about them, think of what's been said here, and you'll eventually just have a fairly big family, plenty of people to count on, to have in your life, so you'll not be alone, no matter what happens you can always just expand your family.

>>8169189
>I spent my time in a creek behind my house. I would walk up and down it looking in the water and tasting the winds. I would spend my time talking with the wind asking it favors and doing things it asked in turn. Simple, strange things, like typing a leaf too a tree so it could touch the water and the air or climbing to the top of a rock to move a pebble into the water. Childish games I gave meaning through my imagination, I knew it was never real.


>Every time I was hurt or sad I would call up the sound of the wind tickling the leaves and pushing the grass aside. It brings me a feeling like nothing else and despite my motivations to help the world and to finish my research, the most important thing in the world to me is the sound of the wind as it touches life around me.

This was beautiful to read because it reminds me of my childhood, thank you for posting this.

>>8169840
That's some good advice, I'll remember that in the future. Thanks man.

>>8170100
All too welcome.

>>8169638
I mean, I agree, but the problem being that place is also New Jersey.

(Actually my planned goal for the summer once classes are out is to spend more time in NYC and try to build from there, eventually moving once I graduate. The problem's mostly the waiting)

>>8170147
Hope you have a nice night, kind stranger.

>>8170154
Patience is a viture most of us rarely posses, and asking for it is easier than applying it. Finish your classes, do what it is you want to do, enjoy. If you do what you like, time will fly, and keeping that goal in mind, knowing this is how you want to do it, and it will happen eventually will help fortify your resolve. Remember it's not forever away, it will happen, and when it does, it'll be okay. Simply apply what's been said here once you get there, and don't be afraid to make friends in N.J., with modern technology, you can always keep in touch and even visit if the mood takes you. If the friendship falls away after you move, don't worry, you're about to make more friends, ones you'll likely have for the rest of your life.

>>8170313
Thank you, best wishes to you, as well.