I can't believe that just 4 months ago I was making "progress", going out shopping, wearing more and more androgynous clothes, going out with boys and stuff. Now I am scared of going outside and I never go out in girl clothes anymore because I am ashamed of my face, my body and my everything. Sometimes a day goes without hating myself then I think about texting someone but then I realize what a freaky unlovable abomination I am and I just completely shut down.
I mean it will not get any better, will it? I am probably just about two steps before inevitable suicide, right?
Nothing will ever get better if you continue visiting a board where people take pleasure into making others insecure.
>>7752857
Not sure if this is bait or not, but fuck it. If you were already going down such a good path before, what stopped you? Is it that one day you looked so closely at yourself that you somehow convinced yourself that all these little defects and flaws you find with yourself make you an abomination? If you were enjoying life before, why would you stop? From what you wrote it seems like you were doing fine, and were living a somewhat happy life, with a mix of relationships here and there. If you're feeling this way because your looking on your past mistakes too much and are downing yourself on something so stupid like your ability to pass then you shouldn't. Doing this thing where you push everyone away just makes your life harder for you when you eventually do decide to come back to it. Only reason I assume you're not going to go through with killing yourself is the fact that you still try to cheer yourself up with the thought of getting back out there. I won't assume whether or not you pass, but you really shouldn't let it dictate your life. Say what you want about hons, but they have the right mindset. Who really cares what your wearing or doing as long as you're not hurting anyone. At the end of the day, we're all going to die at some point, some sooner than others. Why would you make yourself miserable over a couple of defects that you find with yourself. There's a really limited amount of time for all of us and it's more about what we do with that time. I don't know what will happen to me after I die, nor do I care, but I want to at least be happy before I leave; because at the end of the day, realistically, you will be forgotten and just another body filling a casket or urn along with millions of others that don't matter anymore.
>>7753178
Fitting in and being happy in life has more to do with how you act and treat others. If you act like some wacko like a tumblrina or hon, then yeah you'll feel defeated and hopeless constantly. If you pretend being trans for you doesn't exist, and you're just doing what you're doing to fit into your skin, then the world seems to open up a bit more. People really don't notice as much as you think, and once you do this you won't either. From personal experience I stopped focusing so much on that I'm trans and focused more on how I could be a happy girl. Obviously no matter what you do your still male, but its more of how you cope with that fact. Don’t have the mindset that tranny bangs are tricking other people into think you pass, your just simply doing what you have to do to pass and get to live the life you’ve wanted to. Your focus shouldn't be on how terrible your body is, it should be how can I do things that will make it less noticeable to you and only you, not the people you think are going to notice. I’ve asked many close people in my life and none of them notice stuff the same way we do. For the most part a lot of this stuff really just is in our heads. I used to go through the same shut in periods, but decided to spend this year giving the other side a try and I’m extremely happier for it, and it seems like you were originally too. You probably just hit a little snag in the road, just don’t let it destroy your life and turn itself into something it doesn’t need to be.
>>7753180
>If you act like some wacko like a tumblrina or hon, then yeah you'll feel defeated and hopeless constantly.
And yet these people are living happier lives than 95% of this board.
>>7752857
I wish I could make you feel better, but for the last month Ive been in the exact same boat. The .357 I keep under my pillow keeps trying to find it's way into my mouth.
>>7752857
Guess what you are not unique you are not specal, we all feel like that and you will get threw it and think thank fuck things are different now. Just cry, eat ice cream then fucking do it and feel better about your self.
>>7753180
Not OP, but a pathetic shut in. this honestly was really encouraging.